The Zen of Sysadmins

Here's that little gem from the Memorable Quotes from alt.sysadmin.recovery

We are at One with our work. If you disturb our work, our foot will be at One with your ass. Sadly, you won't be at One with anything thereafter. You'll be in lots of little pieces we call bits, some of which are at One with themselves, and others, which are at Zero with themselves, but none of which will be at One with you.

- J Gostin

Picasa Es Su Casa?

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- Powerful clowns at Google Inc., have decided to unleash buffoonery upon the planet by acquiring Picasa and making the software available free to the Chosen. And just in case that didn't do the job, the new web-based rich text editor most certainly will. May you live long and blog!

Cuban Carburetor Crisis Brewing

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- In breaking news from Havana, Cuban Chief Scientist, Professor Gordon announced that he had succeeded in fabricating a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor. The announcement was received with considerable skepticism as Gordon's previous "working" models simply did not, and quite explosively so.

Critics took a dim view of the developing situation and warned that this could be yet another rich mixture, given Gordon's notorious background in pyrotechnics. Combustion, they added, may not be confined exclusively to the engine manifold. Injecting fuel into the already flammable situation, some experts speculated that Gordon may have in fact, been working on a hitherto untried gasoline-driven external combustion engine.

Speaking to journalists at a press conference held at the Palace of the Revolution, Gordon announced that his breakthrough came about when he experimented with a new butterfly value design constructed entirely from saucepan-grade aluminium. Although, he refused to divulge further details, the unexpected news sparked fears of an alumimum shortage and drove prices in the commodities market sharply upward. Analysts believed, however that prices would stabilize by the close of trading tomorrow, once Gordon blew up yet another vintage Chevy.

Gordon was appointed to his post in June by Cuban leader Fidel Castro Ruz, with a mandate to accelerate growth in the ailing carburetor industry. Progress, however, has been disappointing and Gordon's engineering knowledge has been widely criticized.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

"Kahuna" Looking to Relocate Hooch Operation

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed reports coming in just a short while ago indicate that the self-proclaimed despot of Panadura and undisputed Kasippu King "Kahuna" is looking to relocate his hooch operations.

"Kahuna" is reportedly harboring serious concerns about the security of his covert operation spot in the middle of a highly residential area of Panadura. This is following the recent expose on CircusOne by undercover sleuths.

There is speculation that "Kahuna" is attempting to acquire a forest reserve in the Kukule Ganga area of central Sri Lanka as his new hideout and distillery. It is alleged that a sum of close to LKR 200,000 in bribes will be doled out to forestry officials over the course of next week - a paltry figure considering the land is valued at close to LKR 5 million.

"Kahuna" was not available for comment.

The Gordon Wind Tunnel Saga: The Untold Story

ST KAHUNABURG, Russia -- In unexpected developments, Kahuna disclosed the story behind the Gordon wind tunnel exposé reported Friday. Vacationing at His Winter Palace in St Kahunaburg (formerly Kahunagrad), He admitted that a careless comment by Professor Gordon had inspired the story. Aware of the high PFB (Potential for Blogging), Kahuna had then recruited the Monster and hatched a plot to bogotify Gordon, backed with photographic evidence. Kahuna refused to discuss the terms of the deal but confirmed that the Monster was offered placement in the Witness Protection Program.

Initial attempts to infiltrate the porcupine and wild-cat infested hideout of Gordon in the backwoods of Kendaliyaddapaluwa was confounded by bad weather. However, the incriminating evidence was finally obtained Thursday, while his largeness was blissfully occupied in the customary morning ablutions.

Having acquired the keys to GITT, the Monster slipped the transmission into neutral and pushed the device out of its parking bay. Thereafter, the air-brakes were set in an open position and dirty was done using Gordon's own photographic equipment. GITT was then pushed back into its parking bay and traces of buffoonery removed. The Monster alleges that he had to bathe twice due to these exertions. These allegations however, have not been independently verified.

Despite obtaining the evidence, blogging the post was delayed due to the lack of appropriate serial bus infrastructure at the premises of the Bogusan Empire. The lack of an appropriate data cable caused hours of delay until the such time a suitable instance of the same could be sourced through channels which are best left undisclosed.

Upon discovering the breach in his defenses and the Monster's involvement, Gordon fumed that "there are traitors in my midst" and threatened to revoke the Monster's riding privileges in GITT. Analysts cautioned these moves saying that Gordon was attempting a stable-door closure after the proverbial horse had bolted and were seen having a rollicking good laugh. Gordon was reportedly not amused and has been seen threatening retaliation against those involved in the hilarious episode.

Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) Fails Wind Tunnel Test

File photos of GITT with air-brakes fully extended (Copyright © 2004 The Monster)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka --– In late-breaking news, the notorious Professor Gordon was implicated in a collision with a stationary object on St Michael's Road while attempting a risky air-braking maneuver in his automobile.

Experts believe that Gordon was attempting to use St Michael's Road as a wind tunnel to test the air-braking capability of his latest vehicle, the Gordon Industries Ten Thousand (GITT) by simultaneously opening all four doors. However, disaster struck during the test when an unexpected force 7 wind gusting from the Indian Ocean rammed the vehicle into a nearby lamppost at high velocity causing some damage to the non-molecularly-bonded shell. It appears that Gordon's air-brakes provided additional lift instead of drag at the crucial moment. Scientists from NASA'’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Pasadena, CA suggested that Gordon should have been prepared to fire the retro-rockets to avoid a collision.

Critics scoffed at Gordon'’s experiments and pointed out that air-braking capability was available to one Michael Knight in later models of the Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) several decades ago. They also added that KITT did not usually run into lampposts. A spokesperson for the Foundation for Law and Government (FLAG) refused to be drawn into the controversy, but stated that Gordon’'s shady past was the subject of a recent investigation involving a missing shipment of capacitors.

Speaking to reporters shortly after the incident, Gordon said it was a minor mishap caused by unusual weather conditions and added that he believed the hidden hand of Kahuna was behind the accident. Responding to allegations, Kahuna denied any involvement in the accident stating that his able minions usually attended to matters of weather and climate. He also denied any falling out with Gordon over the naming of the recently founded Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language. Reliable sources, nevertheless maintained that Gordon had expressed great displeasure on Kahuna’s name appearing first in the name of the institute.

The Monster, Ganemulla Bureau Chief of the Kahuna News Network (KNN) also contributed to this post by obtaining photographic evidence of Gordon's automobile being tested at his no-longer secret hideout in rural Kendaliyaddapaluwa.