Unquotable Quotes - Part 25

So do you take notes when people talk?

- Vandoofus, demanding to know Kahuna’s modus operandi in publishing Unquotable Quotes.

I have returned, along with my baggage for a change.

- Gordon, arriving in Atlanta with his backup baggage.

I called a highly complex automated inquiry system which kept me occupied for about ten minutes and then told me they didn’t know where my bags were; fully automated of course.

- Gordon, declaring the loss of his primary baggage for a second time.

Next time I fly, I will insist I go in the baggage hold with my bags. It's probably more comfortable that way too.

- Gordon, proposing to keep tabs on his baggage personally.

What the fuck do you need extra magnesium for? Do you want to fart flares?

- Gordon, exploding on hearing Kahuna’s plan to boost His magnesium intake.

Next time I fly, I am sending my bags via FedEx.

- Gordon, realising the only way to get his baggage to destination without a roundtrip through Addis Ababa.

Maybe you should ask Delta to setup the Bungled Baggage Fund and make an initial contribution.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon on the disposal of his backup underwear.

The ‘delta’ seems to be between the baggage you own and the baggage you have in hand.

- Gordon, concluding the hideous truth about Delta Airlines.

However, Darth Ching is officially hen pecked. He is afraid of his wife.

- Darth Teddy, implicating Darth Ching in a petticoat government.

Only cause he was drooling.

- Vandoofus, defending his attempts to fix Darth Teddy a date.

The story is you asked for custom plates 'KAHUNA' and got 'HUKANA'.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, unveiling his hypothesis.

You asked for it with that posting. That was outright provocation.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the blasphemous Vandoofus Hypothesis.

No thanks; I've already been contacted by about five Nigerians and two South Africans.

- Gordon, declining Kahuna’s offer of 0% ROI.

Common sense is not a common attribute is it?

- Darth Teddy, experiencing an uncommonly short supply.

You will sacrifice it at a makeshift alter constructed from wastepaper baskets.

- Kahuna, instructing Darth Teddy in the black art of project manager management.

You mean it’s a multiple-mutt environment?

- Kahuna, accusing Darth Teddy of practicing polymuttism with his sheep.

This guy has the attention span of a fruit fly.

- Darth Teddy, in sheep trouble.

I think I need a whip.

- Darth Teddy, proposing to get kinky with his sheep.

Revealed? Like one Pamela you mean?

- Gordon, attempting to establish a new unit of measure for exposure.

Special effects included whooshing noises every time that idiot turns its head. I am now emulating these special effects in everyday life causing annoyance.

- Gordon, on his practice of the Ramanayaka Effect after viewing One Shot.

Whoosh()

- Gordon, demonstrating the Ramanayaka Effect.

I’ll have you scattered.

- Kahuna, threatening to deal with Gordon using the Raman Effect.

Like that helps me to have sex with her.

- Vandoofus, discovering his intended lay was a family friend.

You're liable to be blown away in a moderate crosswind.

- Kahuna, learning of the Regulator’s intent to go snowboarding.

This time I won’t call. You'll just find me on your doorstep.

- The Regulator, threatening Kahuna with door-to-door service.

I just confirmed my suspicions: I cannot play badminton.

- Darth Teddy, arriving at an empirical conclusion.

I didn't want to say anything before, but I think you should stick to humping.

- Kahuna, advising Darth Teddy to drop badminton.

Nonsense, I now have lips and tongues at my service.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to take matters into his own hands.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 24

Ah, I haven’t made a cake in years. Not since when I was in Sri Lanka. I made a cake for [the Confucius’s], but unfortunately it came out harder than rock.

- The Regulator, recollecting her early dabbling in culinary petrology.

Did you include Portland cement as a binding agent?

- Kahuna, launching an investigation into the Regulator’s cake mix.

It could have easily been used to globber someone – someone like you.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, proposing alternative use of her rock cake.

Clearly you were unable to follow a short recipe.

- Kahuna, taking the Regulator to task for bungling a cake recipe.

The best parts of learning are the stains.

- Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

I control the bananas in this republic.

- The Regulator, establishing her substantial credentials.

I'm off to a meeting – and to make more enemies.

- The Regulator, on what she does well.

It’s criminal to start a meeting at 0815.

- The Regulator, on the legitimacy of untimely assembly.

Plus there are people here who'll be happy to kill me, mostly the operators.

- The Regulator, justifying her reasons to have a short vacation.

My hand still hurts.

- Vandoofus, reporting a suspicious repetitive strain injury.

No, my balls are not ready to be pawned yet.

- Darth Teddy, declining to dine with Kahuna at the Hilton.

Mothers get along with me.

- Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

- Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

Can you help me find the Great Wall?

- Vandoofus, lost in China while Google sightseeing.

You might see some ice cream vans parked near the beach.

- The Regulator, announcing her banana republic’s response to B-52s parked at Diego Garcia.

Banana ice cream which almost tastes like Chunky Monkey^® is a definite threat.

- The Regulator, disclosing the threat level of her ice cream vans to Kahuna.

A Vermonster will settle your hash.

- Kahuna, proposing to deal with the Regulator using twenty scoops of ice cream, ten scoops of chopped walnuts, four ladles of hot fudge, four bananas, three cookies, two scoops each of four toppings, a fudge brownie and whipped cream.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

- Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

- Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

- Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

I will maroon you on a lonely planet if you’re not careful.

- Kahuna, charting a rough guide to Darth Teddy’s future.

If it ain’t in Wikipedia it didn't happen.

- Vandoofus, disputing Kahuna’s interpretation of Custer’s Last Stand as being when Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer tried to stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

How do I fix my cabinet file?

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, having bungled an installation of MSN Messenger.

You must hold a cabinet meeting.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, having pored over to the Book of Apocryphal Solutions.

I’m now a lead [sheep]^[1] with subordinates.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his flock.

Are you suggesting you are some form of wide-area border collie^[2]?

- Kahuna, giving Darth Teddy the benefit of the doubt regarding his herding instinct.

Not to mention a case of prowling bear, hidden anaconda.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

I think it’s a personal best.

- Vandoofus, on sleeping in from 8pm to 8am.

Yeah, he was completely baffled.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on the outcome of her anonymous nuisance call to Darth Teddy.

Yes later I did, while he was vehemently denying that he booked a seat to fly out of Colombo I had to laugh.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on being asked if she revealed her identity to Darth Teddy.

^[1] Darth Teddy made a sheep sound (in a Bernisdale dialect) at this juncture.

^[2] As an interesting aside, the Wikepedia has this to say: Border Collies are extremely energetic and require a lot of attention. They are better off in a household that can provide them with plenty of exercise and a job to do. Like most herding breeds, they will attempt to herd family members, cats, squirrels, bicycles, cars, or anything else that moves in the absence of other charges.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 22

Unfortunately, I have to leave you gentlemen and go fine our newest operator.

- The Regulator, taking a short interlude to attend to business.

You won’t believe how difficult it is to set something on fire in this country.

- Vandoofus, announcing difficulty in destroying the damning Vandoofus Tapes.

I can't even practice my culinary skills without setting the darn thing off.

- Vandoofus, on the relationship with his fire alarm, particularly when preparing the Fillet of Salmon à la Carbon.

Or congress farting.

- Kahuna, offering an alternative explanation to gunfire heard at the Capitol.

GITT Mk III in da house.

- Gordon, announcing his new flagship automobile, the Gordon Industries Thirty Thousand.

The lack of registration plates on this car is noted.

- Kahuna, raising a point of interest for the FBI regarding GITT Mk III.

I have declared satellite navigation to be disturbing.

- Gordon, having outfitted his flagship automobile with GPS capability.

I will drop a NAVSTAR on GITT Mk III just to make a point.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening a more personalized satellite navigation experience.

The whole purpose of life without Danish is questionable.

- Gordon, ruminating on the unfairness of it all after being restrained from his daily chocolate Danish.

You're questioning the very essence of life itself. Scratch that, in your case it’s the flavor.

- Kahuna, making distasteful comment on Gordon’s rumination.

He thinks he had a choice. In reality, she makes all the decisions.

- Kahuna, on Gordon and his Autonomous Wife.

Try, and the Danish papers will be delivered to your wife.

- Kahuna, threatening to expose Gordon’s clandestine pastry consumption to his Autonomous Wife.

Tell him to get an appointment.

- Vandoofus, on being told Darth Teddy was anxious to meet him.

I can make you vanish by a single SQL query.

- Gordon to Darth Teddy, vying to become Sequel Pasha, the Gogia Pasha of the 21^st Century.

You will note one Mu'ammar was implicated in said series.

- Kahuna to Gordon, recollecting Libyan involvement in the plot of the CBS TV Series, Airwolf.

Are you doing a crosscheck on *f*?

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s motive for introducing Airwolf into the proceedings.

Were you involved in the original theft? Come to think of it you look like one C H Moffett.

- Kahuna, trying to implicate Gordon in the theft of Airwolf.

And you, like L M Muffet.

- Gordon, mounting a spirited defense by introduction of unrelated rhymes.

You've got your tuffet in a twist now. A large spider will sort you out according to tradition.

- Kahuna, proposing to unseat Gordon using unconventional methods.

Good grief! Five inches?

- Gordon, learning that the Presidential Limousine, Cadillac One is equipped with five inch thick ballistic armor.

Your availability has dropped many rating points this past week.

- Darth Teddy, keeping tabs on Kahuna.

May the bed bugs infest you.

- The Monster, itching to deal with Kahuna.

Nonsense, I have no reputation to protect.

- Darth Teddy, refusing to be blackmailed by Kahuna.

You just walk into office and thump me?

- Gordon, objecting to receiving a thump from Kahuna in the early hours of GMT+5.30.

Yes, it’s in my daily checklist.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending his actions.

You will standby while the global bookmark service is accessed.

- Kahuna, putting Gordon on hold for del.icio.us purposes.

You could send your income to my bank account. I will credit the global merit pool on your behalf.

- Kahuna, offering Gordon a faith-based investment initiative.

You are trying to circumvent exchange regulations in the name of god.

- Gordon, taking an unholy view of Kahuna’s proposition.

Usually, this involves a transformer and two wires.

- Kahuna, taking a textbook view of Darth Teddy’s induction program.

Since I am big, I need broadband to transmit the pictures.

- Vandoofus, on the consequences of his allegedly large endowment.

I have years of experience that spans continents.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, establishing his credentials.

You also have high wear and tear on your mount point.

- Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy’s credentials on grounds of erosion.

Of course not, it’s made with the latest hardware. Very durable.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 21

*f* has restored diplomatic ties once more.

- Kahuna, using a regular expression to represent Libyan Leader Muammar al-Gaddafi due to excessive English transliterations of the latter’s name being available.

You realize I'm the only clown on the planet that would understand that statement?

- Gordon, correctly evaluating Kahuna’s regular expression.

He should just go as a symbol like that idiot formerly known as Prince.

- Gordon, proposing to set up a symbol table for the Libyan Leader.

I just calculated that the 'f' seems to be the only usable constant.

- Kahuna, reporting his conclusions after exhaustive research on transliterating the Libyan Leader’s name.

They've probably found oil there.

- Gordon, suggesting crude reasons behind the thawing of relations with Tripoli.

You're speaking fluent sheep now.

- Kahuna, complimenting Gordon on his command of the language.

Your personal magnetism is getting you down now. Would you like to be degaussed?

- Kahuna to Gordon, offering an attractive solution to the latter being inundated by offshore clowns.

Well I don't want you declining and falling about.

- Kahuna, refusing to serve strong alcoholic beverages to Darth Teddy.

I don't decline and fall about. I gracefully collapse.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I am as gentle as a honey roasted lamb shank.

- Darth Teddy, on being accused by Kahuna of being boisterous.

I would have both if it were up to me.

- Darth Teddy, opting for both the cheesecake and bananas with rum.

I washed all my pants, so I can't go anywhere.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of general undress.

Are you are going to buy me weed?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna would be settling his hash.

I am an innocent little flower that you are trying to take advantage of. All I can do is call out and hope some kind soul hears me.

- Darth Teddy, engaging in a politically motivated harangue against Kahuna.

I just like dangling a carrot in front of your nose from a safe distance.

- Darth Teddy, declaring certified wuss status in the presence of Kahuna.

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

- Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

Something this decadent might be illegal.

- Darth Teddy, raising a point of law regarding Kahuna’s cheesecake.

However, it was quite hilarious watching you try to evade him.

- Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's efforts at avoiding being groped by Timmy the Ambidextrous.

You’re entertaining bears in the dead of night.

- Gordon, discovering Darth Teddy sampling culinary delights at Kahuna’s abode.

Welcome to Google Mars.

- Kahuna, predicting the inevitable.

You recall one Michael Knight had a button like this some years ago.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on the M Dynamic mode button to instantly boost engine output from 400 to 500 hp, in the 2006 BMW M5.

You will schedule air raids for each of the alliance member offices.

- Gordon to Kahuna, categorically refusing to ratify the 3.9 terabyte Holographic Versatile Disk (HVD) standard.

Including the Nippon Paint Company?

- Kahuna, clarifying the scope of air raids against the HVD Alliance.

I wonder if the NSA is monitoring this.

- Kahuna, musing on the secrecy of his conversations with Gordon.

Where is my pizza?

- Her Royal Highness, demanding Kahuna’s culinary creations in Sydney.

What do you call that thingy with the data layer, presentation layer and so on?

- Darth Teddy, on the OSI Reference Model, two degrees later.

Unfortunately things can’t have improved that much since you are obviously alive.

- Ching the Merciless, taking a dim view of Kahuna’s continued presence.

If you plan to have me hugged to death by a girl that’s okay.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s plan on having him hugged by Darth Teddy.

He was born to stand there and look pretty. And he does it well.

- Darth Teddy, on Her Royal Highness’s edible sibling.

Have you heard of bookmarks?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, providing the Circus URL yet again.

That requires two clicks.

- The Regulator, defending her reasons for shunning bookmarks.

I want to know whether you killed him or not with your so-called culinary delights.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, issuing a habeas corpus writ to produce Darth Teddy.

Obviously the food has dulled his senses.

- The Regulator, on Darth Teddy.

You actually own an EOS 30D?

- The Regulator, expressing concern regarding Kahuna’s latest acquisition.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 19

The continental United States is getting on my nerves.

- Gordon, proposing to launch an intercontinental project manager seeking missile.

I'm wondering whether to send it a hooker.

- Kahuna, considering a birthday present for Vandoofus.

I’ll bludgeon you with a baguette.

- Kahuna, initiating the Bakery Wars.

A kimbula taken rectally should sort you out.

- Gordon, retaliating in the Bakery Wars.

I did drop her phone in a bowl of mushroom ravioli.

- Vandoofus, pleading guilty to culpable gadgeticide.

The relative particle size and particle density of ravioli will probably not harm a phone.

- Kahuna, providing expert testimony in the mushroom ravioli case.

Its dodgy bits of lace. Not bits of dodgy lace.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, clarifying the use of lace in female undergarments.

You see the Short One online?

- Vandoofus, desperately seeking regulation.

A short while ago.

- Kahuna, reporting a sighting of the Regulator.

Should I quote you today too?

- Vandoofus, proposing to quote Kahuna in the dubious VanQuotes.

I am collaborating with the Short One on a short story about you.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing a strategic alliance with the Regulator.

As a citizen of a banana republic, I'm always open to bribery and corruption. I'm thinking of ditching Vandoofus and writing a short one on my own.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, offering to renege on her memorandum of understanding with Vandoofus.

Compiling. Please stand clear.

- The Compiler, taking a dubious view of code crafted by Vandoofus.

Runtime dangers still persist.

- The Compiler, declining to issue an all clear even after compilation.

The fools! How dare they refuse my custom!

- Kahuna, on learning that a store He intended to visit was closed on Saturday.

This is a short message from your personal stalker.

- The Regulator, offering Kahuna a personalised service.

I didn't know you offered a short message service.

- Kahuna, questioning the Regulator’s latest service offering.

The Hand of Kahuna is now bandaged.

- Kahuna, reporting impromptu surgery carried out on His person by the senior resident canine.

She couldn't find enough momentum if she jumped off Vesuvius.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, on learning that the Regulator planned to crash a party.

Say something, so that I can quote you.

- Vandoofus, hunting for material for VanQuotes.

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

- Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

- Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

- Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

Around? Around what? The mountain?

- Kahuna, learning that Vandoofus had been “around” and suspecting direct correlation with the nursery rhyme.

In style, yes.

- Gordon to Vandoofus, on being asked if he had landed.

Georgia doesn't seem to have reliable broadband.

- Vandoofus, observing severe oscillation in Gordon’s online presence.

I'm installing a known elephant in Cairo.

- Kahuna, revealing the reason for his presence in Egypt to Darth Teddy.

Can I help in the day to day running of the elephant?

- Darth Teddy, applying for the post of Vice President – Pachyderm Operations.

Should I send you a truckload of tissues?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be taking matters into his own hands.

No, rabies was not on my "to get" list.

- Darth Teddy, declining to be bitten by Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 18

This conversation will be useful at your hearing.

- Gordon, collecting evidence against Kahuna on the fly.

A tent under the Great Pyramid might be considered suitable by some.

- Gordon, on being told that Kahuna would be provided suitable accommodation in Egypt.

The burial chamber of said pyramid, by others.

- Kahuna, taking a deadly view of suitable accommodation.

I'll thump you with a stuffed mongoose.

- Gordon, proposing to practice the dark art of percussive taxidermy on Kahuna.

How should I know the loopback address?

- Vandoofus, in his own defense in Vandoofus v Linksys.

Tsk tsk tsk… At this time of the night?

- The Regulator, encountering Kahuna online at 2:00am (GMT+6).

You should be chaperoned by Attila the Hun.

- The Regulator, considering sanctions against Kahuna.

Looks weird. Why would you need so many pixels?

- Vandoofus, evaluating the Hasselblad H2D-39.

Doofi, if you touch this blog template again, I will take the next flight to NY and thump you.

- Sinister message found in the Circus blog template.

Moses is required at this end.

- Kahuna, considering supernatural assistance to deal with His flooded garden after record rainfall.

Bogart?

- Gordon, hearing Huggles had named his automobile “Humphrey.”

Oh god, there goes the neighborhood.

- Vandoofus, learning of the impending arrival of Gordon in the Land of the Free.

Fortunately, the Land of the Free is very big.

- Vandoofus, making the best of a bad situation.

Does anyone know where he’s going to set up his evil stronghold upon arrival? Just so I can designate the area a level-5 biohazard quarantine region and unleash the killer prairie dogs.

- Bartus Maximus, taking proactive measures to deal with an elevated Gordon threat level.

Are you passionate about sulphur springs?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s plan to take a sabbatical among the sulphur springs in Iceland.

It’s one thing I am passionate about.

- Vandoofus, on lunch.

We have imported bananas from South Africa. Used from behind, they can easily fool anyone. It can be used as a shotgun any day.

- The Regulator, proposing the use of imported bananas in lieu of traditional firearms.

Used from behind?

- Kahuna, questioning the use of a banana astern.

Well I can’t hold a banana to his face now, can I?

- The Regulator, defending her rearguard action.

In no time we are going to generate enough energy from rotten bananas to light up the city.

- The Regulator, planning to set up an unconventional power plantain.

What better way to give yellow light?

- The Regulator, on the conservation of chrominance during power generation.

We don't have a minimum height requirement.

- Kahuna, addressing the Regulator’s concerns about joining the Circus.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here.

- The Regulator, stating the obvious.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just leave me alone!

- The Regulator’s corollary to Albert Camus.

I'll have the cream and the whip separately on a plate, please.

- The Regulator, advocating the separation of cream and whip.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 17

What’s the loopback IP?

- Vandoofus, fourteen years and two degrees later.

I’m well aware of your sieve-like mind.

- Kahuna, providing the Regulator with the URL to the Circus for the N^th time.

Yeah, it only holds the important bits.

- The Regulator, revealing a fetish for the most significant bits.

So yours is a nominal banana republic?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, questioning the lack of indigenous bananas in her republic.

However, I can airdrop a container load of rotten fish.

- The Regulator, proposing to fish in troubled waters.

Dare I ask whether you ever consider tying the knot?

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on marriage.

And have my wife ruin the Balance of Ma'at?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, taking a controversial view on marriage.

Wait, wait, I am trying to configure the Linksys.

- Vandoofus, about to do battle with a wireless router.

Finally I am connected! Wahaha! Secure network!

- Vandoofus, declaring victory after a grim, daylong mêlée to seize the WEP key.

I see we are discussing religious topics now.

- The Monster, taking a biblical view of proceedings in the Circus.

Are you proposing a separation of church and state?

- Kahuna, questioning the Monster’s biblical view.

No, I am proposing the marriage.

- The Monster, proposing the unholy wedlock of church and state.

Bill was with Monica Lewinsky when the rights were established, hence they are void.

- The Monster, raising a point of law on being told his proposal to merge church and state would violate the establishment clause of the Bill of Rights.

It looks like a radical theocracy.

- Kahuna, on the Monster’s plan to form a government and declare himself pope.

The tub is about to overflow!

- The Monster, declaring an impending buffer overrun.

I intend to wash behind a lot of things.

- The Monster to Kahuna, on being told to wash behind the ears.

Is thermonuclear fission imminent?

- Gordon, on learning that Kahuna was running a temperature.

A lot of problems could have been solved if a mongoose was introduced into said garden.

- Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical serpentectomy in Eden.

Nonsense, I’m up at dawn to make the sun rise.

- Kahuna to the Monster, dismissing accusations of late rising.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 15

Removal of the cranium will fix this.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a highly invasive procedure to relieve a minor irritation of Cranial Nerve VII.

Seriously, drink something healthy. I would start with Coke if I were you.

- The Regulator, objecting to Kahuna’s consumption of green tea.

Are you asking me to unveil the Regulator?

- Kahuna to the Monster, querying the latter’s dubious motives.

Athigaru mugatipathythumagen awasaraii [May it please His Excellency the Keeper of the Mongoose].

- Kahuna, opening his State of the Circus Address.

Hiss!

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s opening remarks with a blatant spirant.

I'm divine.

- The Regulator, establishing her credentials.

Your response time is the most bogus in the solar system. I'm getting better round-trip time to Pluto.

- Kahuna, taking an astronomical view of Gordon’s instant messaging response time.

Balls still frozen?

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, querying the temperature in New York.

I finally dug my car out. The street cleaning trucks dumped all the snow on the side, so it was buried in about four feet of snow.

- Vandoofus, reporting the weather from New York after record snowfall.

They are providing an armed escort for me to get out of this hole.

- Timmy, reporting on being at the receiving end of things for a change.

At this rate, we'll have to meet in Geneva for dinner.

- Gordon to Kahuna, after a particularly violent dinner planning session.

I strongly believe it’s been overlooked as a venue for solving international conflict.

- Gordon, on Barbados and the need to foster discord such that it may be resolved there.

Smooch my ass.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on receiving an unsolicited smooch on St Valentine’s day.

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

- Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

A one-inch screw and part of a hacksaw blade were extracted from the tyre this morning.

- Gordon, reporting significant overnight deflation.

You should be switched off if you ask me.

- Gordon, taking a decidedly hardline view of Kahuna’s existence.

Pissing on the statue might have been more appropriate.

- Gordon, on being informed that busts of the Scourges of the Nation had received a flatulent tribute from Kahuna.

I'm currently rotating polygons in confined spaces.

- Kahuna, reporting topological complexities in bathroom design using Visio.

Is that a technical term for jacking off?

- Gordon, arriving at a topologically obtuse conclusion from Kahuna statement.

No doubt you picked up a few terms from him and went and harassed the other vendors.

- Gordon to Kahuna, raising serious questions regarding the latter’s knowledge of cathodic protection.

Then again, you don't know your primary master from your secondary slave.

- Kahuna, accusing Huggles of a botched hard disk drive configuration.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 14

Two of the biggest clowns on the planet against one is not fair.

- Gordon, raising preliminary objections to a proposed strategic alliance between Kahuna and Bartus Maximus.

Your social skills need refining. Right now you're right up there with a Rottweiler.

- Gordon, responding to a bite() instruction issued by Kahuna.

On negotiating the travel arrangements last night, [my father] agreed to tag along with me on the condition that he has exclusive rights to the volume control.

- Gordon, revealing damning evidence of operating beyond the 90-decibel limit.

Did you know that light travels over 73 trillion furlongs in a fortnight?

- Kahuna to Gordon, providing information using controversial units of measure.

I'll have you tied to the Hubble telescope with your friggin camera.

- Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great annoyance at the speed of light being measured in non-standard units.

I will not rest until a motor vehicle is introduced into your room.

- Kahuna, vowing to perpetrate a dastardly hack on Gordon.

All quiet on the HR front.

- Gordon, reporting from the front after shelling forward positions.

I mean I have a moral obligation. The hour is late, you are here, online.

- The Regulator, explaining her reasons for querying Kahuna’s online presence.

Yes, by a woman in her mid 50s. A matronly woman.

- The Regulator, suggesting that Kahuna be supervised lest He be a nuisance to the planet.

Didn’t you know? They use duct tape for that now.

- The Regulator, advising Kahuna to follow Homeland Security in using duct tape to knit the universe together.

We were nearly mauled by that elephant and you were making queries about its dietary habits. In the native tongue no less.

- Kahuna reminding Her Royal Highness of the notorious 'Aliya Kaidda?' episode in the depths of the Yala, featuring a large pachyderm in heat.

Or if you get a battalion of elephants to fart in quick succession.

- Kahuna, proposing an alternative explanation to explosive sounds heard by Gordon.

I have 40GB in my dashboard.

- Gordon, declaring sinister in-car storage capability.

Just as I was about to bomb the place!

- The Regulator, admitting to having considered incendiary means to get Kahuna’s attention.

On the contrary, it would make quite an entry.

- Gordon, proposing to turn up for a meeting in GITT Mk2 to use its storage capabilities for keeping the minutes.

Yes... When you need to demolish the supporting walls.

- Kahuna, agreeing that it would indeed be a spectacular entry.

Ah, its time for my lunch again.

- The Regulator, confirming widely held beliefs that she is in a permanent state of lunch (9:00pm GMT+6).

Unquotable Quotes - Part 13

Darth Teddy seems to have an ear fetish. It’s like how I like women with big breasts. He seems to like men with big ears.

- St Vandoofus, analyzing Darth Teddy’s excessive interest in his ears.

I have a semi-nude of [Gordon]... Will that do?

- Bartus Maximus, querying the entry requirements for the Vandoofus Prize.

My god, drink something healthy. That stuff is too strong for you. It might bake you for life!

- The Regulator on hearing Kahuna’s intent to consume green tea.

I am disadvantaged by the bogus bandwidth at this end.

- Gordon, on being obstructed from participating in the Vandoofus Prize by Hans[a]’s network.

As a regulator, I knock people off for even mentioning VoIP.

- The Regulator, explaining her belief that long-distance voice should be limited to two tin cans and a piece of string.

In [a] banana republic, it’s considered highly democratic.

- The Regulator, justifying her policy of bumping off policy violators.

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

- Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

I have subcontracted DHL.

- Gordon, on being asked if he intends to do the rounds on Christmas Eve.

Would you prefer Sri Lanka Post then?

- Gordon, retaliating on being taken to task for outsourcing his delivery operation on Christmas Eve.

All my emissions are.

- Bartus Maximus, on being asked if his breath was still flammable after another night of excess.

Ho ho ho. Happy now?

- Gordon, on being told he was sorely lacking the Christmas spirit.

You'll be the death of me, I tell you.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that images of GITT were indexed by Yahoo.

Who cares what sardines and [oxen] think?

- St Vandoofus, on being told about possible non-compliance with the Sarbanes-Oxley Act.

The title is obscene.

- Gordon, attempting to pass judgement on The Captain’s Rod in terms of Miller v. California, 413 U.S. 15 (1973).

He's piss drunk.

- Confucius, reporting on the intoxicated status of St Vandoofus.

Hang on, my sarong just [fell off].

- Gordon, declaring an unscheduled disrobe event during a telephone conversation with Kahuna.

Yes, it just fell off.

- Gordon, confirming that the wardrobe malfunction did indeed take place without an external stimulus.

Welcome to the communist party. To make a donation, press 1. For a general strike, press 2. For a revolution, press 3. For democratic reforms, please hang up.

- Kahuna, hypothesising the communist party’s voice response system.

And you thought outsourcing to Asia was the solution?

- Kahuna to St Vandoofus, on being asked to post His Holiness’s photographs to the Circus.

ARGGGGH! Thief!

- The Monster, responding to a confiscate(xbox) instruction issued by Kahuna.

And you believe this will provide all the answers?

- Kahuna to the Monster, on learning of the latter’s plan to watch What Women Want.

Can't use my personal time to do personal things.

- St Vandoofus, making himself at home during work.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 12

My bee's better than your fly!

- The Monster to Darth Teddy, parading his insect.

Stop looking at my fly!

- Darth Teddy to the Monster, declaring a surveillance blackout on his fly.

I will ship a Venus Flytrap to your premises if you're not careful.

- Kahuna to the Monster, threatening to resurrect His one-time carnivorous plant business.

That idiot has published an elephant saying it’s an ode to me.

- Gordon, fuming at Darth Teddy’s elephantine photographic tribute.

I am scared to check my Gmail.

- St Vandoofus, voicing serious reservations after Kahuna activated the comment distribution feature.

Official mails are now like the proverbial needle in the haystack.

- Gordon to Kahuna, declaring a mailbox flooded status thanks to Kahuna’s comment distribution feature.

You have implemented non-standard technologies. This is in violation of MIS Policy #3215.63B. You shall rot in hell.

- Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, upon being brought back to life by the incessant comment distribution feature.

My Xbox will arrive tomorrow, you will have peace, my presence thereafter will be [minimal], [and] you will reign King!

- The Monster to Kahuna, implicating Elvis is his quest to be One with the Xbox.

I thought fly-fishing was what you did while in an aeroplane.

- Darth Teddy, on the art of using a hook, line and rod at high altitude.

I have done nothing in mid-air.

- Darth Teddy, pleading innocent to aerial acrobatics at 37,000 feet.

Well, the purser was roaming the cabin.

- Darth Teddy, on being thwarted in an attempt to join the Mile High Club^[1].

That’s gotta hurt.

- Darth Teddy, on being asked if he has watched A River Runs Through It.

[Kahuna] is compiling UQ12 isn't he?

- Darth Teddy, suspecting an ulterior motive behind a conference session facilitated by Kahuna.

We have been lured into a trap!

- The Monster, accusing Kahuna of premeditated entrapment to create UQ12.

Which Kahuna’s hand is that?

- St Vandoofus, committing blasphemy by proposing the existence of more than one Kahuna.

You have multiple avenues to bad-mouth me now.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that the Circus is being podcasted and accessible from iTunes.

I am considering relinquishing the "Real Kahuna" title in order to avoid confusion. I will continue as Darth Gordon, Keeper of the Faith.

- Gordon, realizing that his days as Kahuna-wannabe are numbered.

You will not use the editor. Its compose mode will nest your tags to high heaven.

- Kahuna, warning Gordon about the Blogger Editor after noticing extra-strong markup in the latter’s post.

Oh, they flew it in from Dublin did they?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on being told that the Irish coffee at a previously blacklisted hotel was NB.

I think we should walk in with a lightsaber sometime and thump [the Executive Chef].

- Gordon, proposing to make a complaint, Sith-style.

Who is this Regulator person?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking to unveil the Regulator.

You’re causing editing halfway across the planet.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, accusing the latter of markup requiring subsequent cleanup.

You will search on Yahoo for "volumetric ornithology". You appear to be a pioneer in your field.

- Kahuna congratulating Gordon on the latter’s groundbreaking work being recognized by Yahoo.

The State of New York is about to slap you with a lawsuit for wanton waste of water.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on 1.4 million litres of water unaccounted for during a photo shoot.

It must be your mass. According to special relativity it must be causing space around you to bend out of shape. Hence, radio waves find it hard to leave your locality.

- Kahuna, explaining poor GPRS reception in Gordon’s immediate vicinity.

Which is about 0.000000000000000000000000111 meters.

- Kahuna, calculating Gordon’s Schwarzschild radius in a bid to prove the existence of a black hole.

You’re expending 1.25 kilo Joules per minute while you wait.

- Kahuna to Gordon, calculating the energy used by the latter as he waits for his web page to load.

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

- The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

- Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

I am trying to be diplomatic, except for the occasional nudge that I can't resist.

- St Vandoofus, outlining his foreign policy towards Darth Teddy.

You’re nudging in troubled waters.

- Kahuna, commenting on St Vandoofus’s foreign policy.

This will cause problems for voice recognition systems too methinks.

- Gordon, expressing grave reservations regarding the village formerly known as Llanfynydd^[2] in Wales.

So you didn't like my sneaky advertising?

- St Vandoofus to Kahuna, after the latter toned down blatant propaganda on the Circus.

^[1] Make sure you visit the links at the bottom of the Wikipedia page.
^[2] Now, Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 10

It’s rather difficult to remain credible with a balloon floating around one's office.

- Kahuna, on the pitfalls of a helium balloon doing the thermals during a project review.

Are you suggesting you're incredible by presence of balloon? That’s the most bogus thing I've heard in a while: incredibility by helium balloon.

- Gordon, taking an unduly gaseous view of the proceedings.

I have caused a flood.

- Kahuna, admitting complicity in a plumbing malfunction when operating the washer.

I have also personally laundered the household canine subsystems.

- Kahuna, taking credit for bathing the dogs.

To get the buffoon phone voice dialling to work, I have to shut off the stereo and warn all other occupants to shut up.

- Gordon, explaining the sophisticated voice-dialling capability of GITT Mk2.

The most interesting thing I did this week was to render a spiral.

- Kahuna, revealing graphic detail of his workweek.

Unfortunately, this French keyboard is getting to me.

- The Regulator, challenged by a non-standard input device in Tunis.

Are you asking people to toil for unknown gains?

- Gordon, on being told that the Quantum of Loot (QOL) of the Vandoofus Prize was as yet unspecified.

I will have you done in and be eligible for the peace prize, if you don’t watch it.

- Gordon, attempting to make peace with Kahuna using a brute-force method.

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

- Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

You can then be a higher accident risk as you fumble the collective while trying to change a CD.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on the risk of the arch-motorist operating a helicopter equipped with a compact disc player.

The fricking swan is your entry?

- St Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s entry for the Vandoofus Prize.

You will join the dots BTBOTP.

- Gordon, explaining his Dotted Line Method of Management Reporting.

I'm one. The pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one^[1].

- Kahuna, explaining the reason for his ultra-conservative views on sex.

When you pull this off, I'll be waiting with a shotgun.

Kahuna to Gordon, issuing an event-triggered parting shot.

A fire drill is in progress … I will however, try to avoid this by invading another floor.

- Gordon, laying out plans to circumvent a floor-specific evacuation exercise and the associated physical exertion of climbing down fifteen flights of stairs.

^[1] Originally attributed to logician Bertrand Russell.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 9

One Berry has concluded flashing her assets.

- Ebenezer Gordon, Professor of Boobology at MIT, verifying that the assets in question were indeed present and accounted for in Catwoman.

So long and thanks for all the humps.

- Darth Teddy, issuing a parting shot.

Eh? Are you proposing a lens up your ass?

- Gordon to Kahuna, hypothesising the Carl Zeiss Recto-Sonnar lens during a highly refracted discussion on optics.

[The] potential difference dropped to 0V.

- Gordon, reporting an unexpected loss of electrical power in the wilderness of Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Try climbing a coconut tree, the potential should increase. I'm arranging the thunderstorm.

- Kahuna, providing a highly charged solution to Gordon’s potential loss.

We are a technology firm. We use vacuum cleaners.

- Gordon, explaining his decision to replace the broomstick as a mode of transportation on Samhain Eve.

You know, pre-historic artillery might not work on these tiny islands. You might have to resort to something more accurate: like catapult.

- The Regulator, advising Kahuna on appropriate arms to invade her republic and install her as Despot.

For your information, Diego Garcia belongs to this banana republic. When I'm made Despot, I'm going to fight for that too. Using catapult of course.

- The Regulator, unveiling her decidedly ballistic foreign policy.

Before you came along, I was a simple, banana eating, law-abiding citizen of this la-la land.

- The Regulator, blaming Kahuna for her rise to power.

Do you know there are legal implications [with] people of your age being online at this time?

- The Regulator, raising a point of law after finding Kahuna online during the wee hours.

The opportunity to push [the Teddybear] off at two thousand feet also presents itself.

- Kahuna, on the advantages of hot air ballooning.

I will now lunch() mode=supervised.

- Gordon, on his first managed lunch after failing a lipid profile.

I'll introduce a pyramid and take the discussion into a whole new dimension.

- Gordon to Kahuna, upping the ante in a high-stakes game of Vertices and Edges.

Were you responsible for the large spider that manifested on my windscreen in the midst of traffic?

- Gordon to Kahuna, seeking answers to a mysterious increase in the arachnid count.

We have been subjected to unknown chemicals by the government BTBOTP.

- Gordon, taking issue with the Elections Commissioner’s pink indelible ink, since turned black.

Its high time someone announced an election result BTBOTP.

- Gordon, expressing displeasure at the non-disclosure of election results by 9:00pm.