Unquotable Quotes - Part 42

Gah! Didn't know this thing had chat.

— The Monster, on being accosted by Kahuna on Facebook chat.

Ask it to buy a dongle and stop whining.

— Gordon to Kahuna, weighing in heavily on the Vandoofus Bluetooth fiasco.

Are you on Michael Dell's customer support staff?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Gordon's customer service mindset.

I can't find "safely remove"; I'm just going to pull it out.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confounded by Universal Serial Bus technology.

She must be up to something dodgy, like spending money.

— Huggles to Kahuna, on being told of Her Royal Highness roaming the city unsupervised.

Well, I'll put a stop to that from tomorrow.

— Huggles to Kahuna, vowing to personally impose sanctions on Her Royal Highness.

I was told yesterday that you were the topic of discussion at the last dinner: specifically, parts of your anatomy.

— Kahuna, informing Huggles of an explicit dinnertime conversation in absentia.

You know Timmy and Teddy, mind in the bloody gutter.

— Huggles to Kahuna, unsurprised at being the main course.

Everybody misses me, I feel so special.

— Huggles to Kahuna, basking in the afterglow of undue attention.

Some of them are after specific parts of you.

— Kahuna, warning Huggles of underhand moves.

Has the butler assumed power yet?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, eagerly awaiting the Butlerian Jihad.

The butler is ironing my shirt as we speak.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing an unexpected delay in the revolution.

He might bean you with a rolling pin later.

— Kahuna, in hope of a desirable outcome in the power struggle between Vandoofus and his butler.

I am in an undisclosed location.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confessing on emulating Dick Cheney to avoid Huggles.

I'm sure Huggles will find you; You'd better buy some doughnuts to distract him.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, proposing devious toroidal countermeasures.

Teddy has a habit of grabbing him in the doughnuts.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, warning of Darth Teddy getting physical with Huggles.

You're spending way too much time in her chambers.

— Kahuna, disapproving of Vandoofus constantly consulting with his lawyer.

I need a lot of legal advice.

— Vandoofus, in his own defense.

You should slow down at your age.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the perils of excessive legal counsel.

My God!

— Darth Ching, encountering Kahuna armed with a camera in church.

I will have you replaced by a robot if you don't tone it down; preferably a lighter model.

— Kahuna's Lightweight Droid Solution to the Existential Gorden Problem.

I could have you replaced by a garden gnome and no one would notice the difference.

— Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis to Dislodge Kahuna.

In your case the difference would become obvious as the refrigerator alarm will not sound at midnight.

— Kahuna's Midnight Snack Retort to Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis.

Bastard!

— Kahuna, reacting in no uncertain terms to Vandoofus acquiring a new Macbook.

I will let you play with it.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

Do you know how to use it?

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Vandoofus's technological savvy.

I might just run Windows VM.

— Vandoofus, confirming Kahuna's fears with his plans to slow down Mac OS X.

Are you sure you spelt that out correctly?

— Huggles, learning of Kahuna's intent to walk.

Yes, I'm sure, you pervert!

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yeah, I was thinking of you while walking.

— Kahuna, on being asked by Huggles if he was missed.

I knew it, it was misspelt.

— Huggles to Kahuna, fearing the worst.

I'm going to shave and shower now and maybe spell correctly.

— Kahuna to Huggles, revealing His morning ablutions in unnecessary detail.

Just because your butler imposes an early dinner regime doesn't mean the rest of us have to fall in line.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on being told that His dinnertime was late.

Is this some sort of an attempt at a cardio activity?

— Vandoofus, questioning the motive behind Kahuna's plan to walk at 4 am.

No, it's an attempt at surprising the neighborhood rooster.

— Kahuna, peeved at Vandoofus questioning the obvious.

Are you going to engage in sexual activity with the rooster?

— Vandoofus, plotting to implicate Kahuna in a clandestine tryst.

Don't talk cock.

— Kahuna, dismissing Vandoofus's feather-brained fantasy.

Why can't you just eat roast paan and parippu like normal people?

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation at Kahuna constructing a seafood cannelloni.

You seem to have grown quite attached to Huggles.

— Kahuna, observing Vandoofus hobnobbing with Huggles.

That's just the cover.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, hinting at a more nefarious plan.

Their current location is unknown, but probably involves a bed.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on the whereabouts of Vandoofus and his lawyer.

From what I hear, their trip planning was a bit dodgy.

— The Baroness, reviewing intelligence reports of the Vandoofus Expedition with Kahuna.

Did you doubt my navigation skills?

— Vandoofus, on Kahuna's surprise at the return of his dodgy expedition.

I'm online with London regarding said skills, or lack thereof.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, admitting to spying for the Baroness.

You can't refer to your husband in the manner reserved for MI6.

— Kahuna, objecting to the Baroness referring to the Baron solely by letter.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 29

That's why they call me the Energizer Bunny.

— Vandoofus, establishing his credentials.

No, no, my snake was played with a while ago.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, pleading no contest to snake charming.

Unbloggable content usually implies me.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, attempting to amass rights to all questionable content.

Do you want half-naked pics of Darth Teddy posted on the Circus?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, lobbying for a private blog.

I don't want them posted anywhere.

— Vandoofus, vetoing Kahuna's bid for a private blog.

I see you're engaging in religious observances.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy engrossed in premier league football.

Nonsense, your accusations are false: I never stopped.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being accused of being on the prowl again.

Your imagination should be put on a leash.

— Gordon, seething over Kahuna's latest defamatory posting.

You will note I am entitled to pay tax here, but not to vote.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the land of the free.

Now all we need is to interface this with the ICBM guidance system.

— Kahuna to Darth Ching, proposing ballistic missile delivery to IP address using www.ip-adress.com.

Having an accident in the rain in a 150 mph device with a load of lithium-ion batteries could get quite interesting.

— Gordon, assessing the impact of a high-speed collision in a Tesla Roadster under wet weather conditions.

Will these batteries be made by the explosives manufacturer, Sony?

— Kahuna, querying the source of the Tesla Roadster's lithium-ion batteries.

Are you lighting the bonfires? No doubt you will be leading the cattle home shortly.

— Kahuna, seeking to implicate Gordon in an ancient Samhain ritual.

I have stockpiled chocolate.

— Gordon, announcing preparations for Halloween.

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

As whom are you dressing up tonight? Or will you be scaring people as is?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's Halloween dress code.

Your broomstick license has been approved; keep out of the no fly zones.

— Kahuna, announcing FAA clearance for Gordon's B-82 Stratosweeper.

Someone should stick a broomstick up your ass.

— Gordon, proposing to deal with Kahuna à la Rumsfeld.

You will also note that capacitor polarities are clearly marked on the board.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pointing out significant safety features of the Apple iMac G5 midplane.

Like a nuclear winter.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being asked about the weather in Tehran.

Did you try multi-party talks?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of Gordon's refusal to negotiate.

Is that like an orgy?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on the definition of multi-party talks.

Oh, I was chatting with Gordon yesterday. He is still determined to pursue nuclear technology.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, noting a breakdown in multi-party talks.

A Plutonium Delight?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, suggesting a deadly dessert from Kim's.

Yeah, topped with caesium.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, selecting a decidedly explosive topping for the Plutonium Delight.

We will go for option one, option two seems too easy.

— Darth Teddy, opting for the Sour Cream Apple Pie with Streusel Topping rather than the Ice Cream with Rum Sauce for dessert at Kahuna's.

Keep an eye on the tart.

— DCI Kahuna, instructing DS Darth Teddy to place an apple pie in the oven under surveillance.

I'm taking a break from females.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing an abrupt policy reversal.

Squirrels might not have been harmed, but I'm sure a few were blinded.

— Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of Kahuna's squirrel photography.

Hogwash. I've always been armed with a pencil and ruler.

— Kahuna, denying Darth Teddy's allegations of not knowing when to draw the line.

It looks like they've missed the polonium while they were confiscating liquids.

— Kahuna, commenting on radiation being detected aboard British Airways aircraft after the Litvinenko affair.

Now you'll be frisked with a Geiger counter at the airport and all those Rolex watches with radium dials confiscated.

— Gordon, predicting an elevated level of lunacy in air travel.

Do you think my portrayal of Kim in KGM9 is Oscar-worthy?

— Kahuna to Gordon, eying an Academy Award for his role as an unstable despot.

It's interesting that none of your bungles are included.

— Darth Teddy, accusing Kahuna of expunging His unquotable quotes from the official record.

Would you like me to align Saturn in a more favorable manner so you can proceed?

— Kahuna, offering to move planets to mobilize a procrastinating Gordon.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 28

The anaconda will now be fed. Repeatedly.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing a midnight snack.

By the Bezier Curve of Evil!

- Kahuna, resorting to complex geometry in an attempt to implicate Gordon in North Korea's nuclear test.

Must be busy cleaning up the fallout.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Gordon's non-availability on Yahoo Messenger.

Did you note that Kim's missiles reach the entire planet other than South America?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on Kim Jong-il's ICBM technology.

This would be very beneficial to the Korean takeaway industry.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a controversial application of long-range missile technology.

I heard Gordon is contemplating another test.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing concerns about Gordon's nefarious activities in North Korea.

Tehran to Ebenezer, come in Ebenezer.

- Kahuna to Gordon, predicting the inevitable overtures from Iran.

@#%%@#^@#%

- Gordon, on Kahuna's Iranian speculation.

Apparently Japan can be nuclear-capable in a long weekend.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, attempting to raise regional tensions.

We might have issues getting people together.

- Darth Teddy, vetoing Kahuna's proposal to tour Iran's nuclear facilities, sighting difficulty in herding cats.

Very well if it must. You will, however, make it advantageous to me.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told his antics must be blogged.

Smooch is not equal to hump.

- Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I will put it on leash if required.

- Kahuna, addressing Gordon's concerns about Darth Teddy becoming a handful during an excursion to the hills.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PANIC() PANIC() PANIC()

- Gordon, learning that Timmy the Ambidextrous had joined the Empire.

I could send a Korean subwoofer by ICBM if you like.

- Gordon, offering to surround Kahuna with an explosive Dolby Digital 6.1 experience.

Very soon your closet will be searchable by Google.

- Kahuna, issuing an ominous warning to Gordon.

I can also provide six pints of premium ice cream within seven minutes drive from your location; this will kill you.

- Kahuna to Gordon, plotting a deadly course to the nearest Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

I have a stock of these in the freezer.

- The Monster to Kahuna, admitting to stockpiling weapons of mass gluttony by Ben & Jerry.

You're resorting to the SriLankan Scarelines booking algorithm.

- Kahuna, learning of Darth Teddy's plans to offload passengers during an excursion to the hills.

Ah, I see you've arrived by the Liberator.

- Kahuna, acknowledging Darth's Ching's profile image on Yahoo Messenger.

Oooh! Someone old enough to recognize it!

- Darth Ching, noting Kahuna's recognition of the Liberator from the 1970's BBC TV series, Blake's 7.

Good lord, will this be rated R-18?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be writing a manual.

I recommend hiring goons to rough it up.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon to deal with the Monster after a botched intercontinental fund transfer.

I was going about my business ordering medicines when the incident occurred.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending Himself on being mistaken for physician.

There's a sulfurous stench in the air.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting a lightning strike on His lead-acid accumulators.

This is proof that you're in league with the devil.

- Gordon, implicating Kahuna by way of fire and brimstone precedent set by Hugo Chavez.

Why are you still in existence?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna's continued presence.

Someone has to look after the universe.

- Kahuna, in His own defense.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

- Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

You are destined to become a gaseous cloud and rotate around Saturn.

- Vandoofus, predicting a nebulous future for Kahuna.

I believe that means "den of thieves" according to Kahuna's 21^st Century Dictionary.

- Kahuna, on Horagolla.

He could shut down his fleet of aircraft for starters.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on Sir Richard Branson committing three billion dollars to combat global warming.

And you'll supply him with blimps?

- Kahuna, speculating on Gordon's alternative solution to Branson's turbojet aircraft.

These clowns do not seem to have blimps. Where did you get yours?

- Kahuna, seeking the supplier of Gordon's blimp, Fat One after learning that Mazda did not sell airships.

At Wal-Mart.

- Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his blimp supplier.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 25

So do you take notes when people talk?

- Vandoofus, demanding to know Kahuna’s modus operandi in publishing Unquotable Quotes.

I have returned, along with my baggage for a change.

- Gordon, arriving in Atlanta with his backup baggage.

I called a highly complex automated inquiry system which kept me occupied for about ten minutes and then told me they didn’t know where my bags were; fully automated of course.

- Gordon, declaring the loss of his primary baggage for a second time.

Next time I fly, I will insist I go in the baggage hold with my bags. It's probably more comfortable that way too.

- Gordon, proposing to keep tabs on his baggage personally.

What the fuck do you need extra magnesium for? Do you want to fart flares?

- Gordon, exploding on hearing Kahuna’s plan to boost His magnesium intake.

Next time I fly, I am sending my bags via FedEx.

- Gordon, realising the only way to get his baggage to destination without a roundtrip through Addis Ababa.

Maybe you should ask Delta to setup the Bungled Baggage Fund and make an initial contribution.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon on the disposal of his backup underwear.

The ‘delta’ seems to be between the baggage you own and the baggage you have in hand.

- Gordon, concluding the hideous truth about Delta Airlines.

However, Darth Ching is officially hen pecked. He is afraid of his wife.

- Darth Teddy, implicating Darth Ching in a petticoat government.

Only cause he was drooling.

- Vandoofus, defending his attempts to fix Darth Teddy a date.

The story is you asked for custom plates 'KAHUNA' and got 'HUKANA'.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, unveiling his hypothesis.

You asked for it with that posting. That was outright provocation.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the blasphemous Vandoofus Hypothesis.

No thanks; I've already been contacted by about five Nigerians and two South Africans.

- Gordon, declining Kahuna’s offer of 0% ROI.

Common sense is not a common attribute is it?

- Darth Teddy, experiencing an uncommonly short supply.

You will sacrifice it at a makeshift alter constructed from wastepaper baskets.

- Kahuna, instructing Darth Teddy in the black art of project manager management.

You mean it’s a multiple-mutt environment?

- Kahuna, accusing Darth Teddy of practicing polymuttism with his sheep.

This guy has the attention span of a fruit fly.

- Darth Teddy, in sheep trouble.

I think I need a whip.

- Darth Teddy, proposing to get kinky with his sheep.

Revealed? Like one Pamela you mean?

- Gordon, attempting to establish a new unit of measure for exposure.

Special effects included whooshing noises every time that idiot turns its head. I am now emulating these special effects in everyday life causing annoyance.

- Gordon, on his practice of the Ramanayaka Effect after viewing One Shot.

Whoosh()

- Gordon, demonstrating the Ramanayaka Effect.

I’ll have you scattered.

- Kahuna, threatening to deal with Gordon using the Raman Effect.

Like that helps me to have sex with her.

- Vandoofus, discovering his intended lay was a family friend.

You're liable to be blown away in a moderate crosswind.

- Kahuna, learning of the Regulator’s intent to go snowboarding.

This time I won’t call. You'll just find me on your doorstep.

- The Regulator, threatening Kahuna with door-to-door service.

I just confirmed my suspicions: I cannot play badminton.

- Darth Teddy, arriving at an empirical conclusion.

I didn't want to say anything before, but I think you should stick to humping.

- Kahuna, advising Darth Teddy to drop badminton.

Nonsense, I now have lips and tongues at my service.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to take matters into his own hands.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 23

I am currently de-toxing.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of intense liver function following a night of debauchery.

I have been abducted. I shall return as soon as possible.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, issuing an optimistic outlook.

The aliens have done well.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s abduction.

Bah! It was disturbing and the sibling is yum.

- Darth Teddy, making alarming references to Brokeback Mountain and HRH’s edible sibling in the same statement.

You're the one stockpiling whips and gags and I'm the pervert?

- Gordon to Kahuna, taking umbrage at being accused of depravity.

I'm finding it hard to swallow.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, declaring a state of tonsillitis.

And don't make any wisecracks.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, realizing too late the high potential for misuse in His previous statement.

He must have stepped behind some general and gone “buwahahah.”

- Gordon, learning of George W’s surprise visit to Iraq and proposing his modus operandi.

Nonsense, he couldn't handle the responsibilities that come with mine.

- Darth Teddy, on the heavy responsibilities of managing his assets.

However, your current responsibilities are limited to walking the dog.

- Kahuna, dismissing Darth Teddy’s purported responsibilities.

He knew some bogus sports stuff and helped us to become one before the last.

- Vandoofus, summing up Darth Teddy’s contribution at a quiz.

But my left paw is still functional.

- Vandoofus, issuing a statement on his shoulder injury before realizing he was not ambidextrous.

The source of this bogosity is 45 minutes from here. Perhaps I should drive up with a few rotten eggs.

- Gordon, proposing to visit Atlanta and lob a personal objection to a news headline by CNN.

I was merely giving him displacement from NJ to NY.

- The Monster, pleading guilty to providing displacement measurements to Gordon.

I will submerge you in the Black Sea and measure the displacement if you're not careful.

- Kahuna to the Monster, proposing an alternative means of measuring displacement.

You were misbehaving on a grand scale tonight.

- Kahuna taking Darth Teddy to task for operating in promiscuous mode during a Japanese meal.

Sequel Pasha is absconding. He may have executed an incorrect DDL statement and made himself vanish.

- Kahuna to the Monster, on the extended disappearance of Gordon.

We had a chat and decided that we would both get drunk and nuke you.

- Darth Teddy, informing Kahuna of his strategic alliance with Ching the Merciless.

Hang on; we are discussing your demise.

- Darth Teddy, putting Kahuna on hold to discuss strategy with Ching the Merciless.

You don’t even have that much sex.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s numerous daily conference calls.

The State of Georgia issues only one plate, for the rear. You can take this up with Sonny Perdue if you have issues.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the lack of a front registration plate on GITT Mk III.

How can you release 22 billion gallons by mistake?

- Kahuna to Gordon, questioning the release of water from Lake Lanier in Georgia as reported by CNN.

Your mere presence is causing a drought.

- Kahuna, holding Gordon accountable for the impending drought in Georgia.

I have great respect for one S Hussein who had the guts to shoot most members of parliament.

- Kahuna, expressing extreme annoyance about goings on in the Temple of the Monkey.

I'm sure the price of buffaloes must be on the increase.

- Gordon, speculating on the effect of rising oil prices.

This can be rectified. All I need are a few diodes.

- Kahuna, seizing an opportunity to dabble in semiconductors.

I will feed you to the crocodiles if you don’t watch it.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that the new Picasa Web Albums offer an RSS feed.

With your dietary advice, these crocodiles will end up diabetic.

- Kahuna, taking a dubious view of Gordon’s crocodile feed.

At least you can't get driving directions yet.

- Gordon, on Google Mars.

A couple of F-16s flew over the supermarket today.

- Gordon, reporting a secure shopping experience.

I used Navtech devices on Mk III earlier today to locate a fish n chips joint.

- Gordon, reporting the use of satellite navigation for nefarious purposes.

It's even voice activated. You say "I'm hungry" and it shows you all the restaurants in the vicinity. Say "go home" and it points you back to base.

- Gordon, explaining the operation of his satellite navigation system.

Good grief! Those are B-52's alright.

- Gordon, confirming Kahuna’s identification of a parked fleet of bombers on Diego Garcia.

Probably? I just counted 8 B-52s.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that Diego Garcia was probably well protected.

Panic() panic() panic().

- Gordon, discovering Sony’s foray into digital SLR cameras with the highly disturbing Alpha DSLR-A100.

Nonsense, you were counting B-52s parked in Diego Garcia.

- Kahuna, refuting Gordon’s claims he was too busy to blog.

You provided coordinates.

- Gordon, in his own defense.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 21

*f* has restored diplomatic ties once more.

- Kahuna, using a regular expression to represent Libyan Leader Muammar al-Gaddafi due to excessive English transliterations of the latter’s name being available.

You realize I'm the only clown on the planet that would understand that statement?

- Gordon, correctly evaluating Kahuna’s regular expression.

He should just go as a symbol like that idiot formerly known as Prince.

- Gordon, proposing to set up a symbol table for the Libyan Leader.

I just calculated that the 'f' seems to be the only usable constant.

- Kahuna, reporting his conclusions after exhaustive research on transliterating the Libyan Leader’s name.

They've probably found oil there.

- Gordon, suggesting crude reasons behind the thawing of relations with Tripoli.

You're speaking fluent sheep now.

- Kahuna, complimenting Gordon on his command of the language.

Your personal magnetism is getting you down now. Would you like to be degaussed?

- Kahuna to Gordon, offering an attractive solution to the latter being inundated by offshore clowns.

Well I don't want you declining and falling about.

- Kahuna, refusing to serve strong alcoholic beverages to Darth Teddy.

I don't decline and fall about. I gracefully collapse.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I am as gentle as a honey roasted lamb shank.

- Darth Teddy, on being accused by Kahuna of being boisterous.

I would have both if it were up to me.

- Darth Teddy, opting for both the cheesecake and bananas with rum.

I washed all my pants, so I can't go anywhere.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of general undress.

Are you are going to buy me weed?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna would be settling his hash.

I am an innocent little flower that you are trying to take advantage of. All I can do is call out and hope some kind soul hears me.

- Darth Teddy, engaging in a politically motivated harangue against Kahuna.

I just like dangling a carrot in front of your nose from a safe distance.

- Darth Teddy, declaring certified wuss status in the presence of Kahuna.

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

- Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

Something this decadent might be illegal.

- Darth Teddy, raising a point of law regarding Kahuna’s cheesecake.

However, it was quite hilarious watching you try to evade him.

- Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's efforts at avoiding being groped by Timmy the Ambidextrous.

You’re entertaining bears in the dead of night.

- Gordon, discovering Darth Teddy sampling culinary delights at Kahuna’s abode.

Welcome to Google Mars.

- Kahuna, predicting the inevitable.

You recall one Michael Knight had a button like this some years ago.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on the M Dynamic mode button to instantly boost engine output from 400 to 500 hp, in the 2006 BMW M5.

You will schedule air raids for each of the alliance member offices.

- Gordon to Kahuna, categorically refusing to ratify the 3.9 terabyte Holographic Versatile Disk (HVD) standard.

Including the Nippon Paint Company?

- Kahuna, clarifying the scope of air raids against the HVD Alliance.

I wonder if the NSA is monitoring this.

- Kahuna, musing on the secrecy of his conversations with Gordon.

Where is my pizza?

- Her Royal Highness, demanding Kahuna’s culinary creations in Sydney.

What do you call that thingy with the data layer, presentation layer and so on?

- Darth Teddy, on the OSI Reference Model, two degrees later.

Unfortunately things can’t have improved that much since you are obviously alive.

- Ching the Merciless, taking a dim view of Kahuna’s continued presence.

If you plan to have me hugged to death by a girl that’s okay.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s plan on having him hugged by Darth Teddy.

He was born to stand there and look pretty. And he does it well.

- Darth Teddy, on Her Royal Highness’s edible sibling.

Have you heard of bookmarks?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, providing the Circus URL yet again.

That requires two clicks.

- The Regulator, defending her reasons for shunning bookmarks.

I want to know whether you killed him or not with your so-called culinary delights.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, issuing a habeas corpus writ to produce Darth Teddy.

Obviously the food has dulled his senses.

- The Regulator, on Darth Teddy.

You actually own an EOS 30D?

- The Regulator, expressing concern regarding Kahuna’s latest acquisition.

A Suffusion of Yellow

A Suffusion of Yellow (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

INVERNESS-SHIRE, Scotland -- Suspected members of the Asteraceae (daisy) family in bloom at a stop along the A82.

Fans of the late Douglas Adams will remember the expression A Suffusion of Yellow from The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul. In the book, this is how Dirk Gently's I Ching calculator evaluated any arithmetic expression resulting in a number greater than four. So, while 2 + 2 = 4, 3 + 2 = "A Suffusion of Yellow". A simulation of the calculator can be found here.

Captured on 12^th September 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/2.8) and a resultant shutter speed of a millisecond.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 8

I will borrow a De Lorean and deliver this to your future Paternal-One-In-Law.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening to go back in time to deliver the Ten Rules for Fathers with Daughters to the latter’s future father-in-law.

That would put you just past Pluto in the Oort cloud.

- Kahuna, fixing Gordon’s location in space based on his pathetic IM response time.

Have a nice day. Or whatever suitable greeting they use in the slime pits of hell where you dwell.

- Darth Ching, issuing a warm greeting to Kahuna.

This project took close to five months by Kronos.

- Gordon, defending budget overruns of the Blare GITT Project.

I was thinking of a ferrite filter around the entire vehicle.

- Kahuna, announcing plans to curtail RF emissions from the mobile theater-enabled GITT Mk2.

So you think I should check quantity-on-hand of elephants?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on the need to check for availability of elephants prior to sending them to maul the Jester.

You just caused a mass violation of the Archimedes principle.

- Kahuna to Gordon, accusing the latter’s face of sinking a thousand ships, implicating Helen in the subsequent recovery effort and ultimately causing the Trojan War.

It sounded like an elephant colliding with a badly tuned grand piano at 35 mph.

- Kahuna striking a sour note about Gordon’s Finale.

You will backup your existence and do so now.

- Gordon, instructing Kahuna to examine the Cell microarchitecture.

Maybe you get strippers for in-flight entertainment or something.

- Gordon, attempting to rationalize the exorbitant cost of airfare to Dhaka.

Or retrofit it with a sponge.

- Maximillian Bartus, proposing to dabble in alternative medicine upon his liver.

How precisely do you intend to seize it? Do you require tongs?

- Kahuna to Maximillian Bartus, on the precautions the latter intends to take before seizing the day after a weekend of unrivaled decadence.

tareeeeeeeeeeeeeppp=============555555555555[[[[[[[[[[[[ke8cd.

- Waffles, taking a stroll on Kahuna’s keyboard.

You’re not featured in UQ8. You should do something about that. Even my cat is featured.

- Kahuna alerting St Vandoofus to a distinct lack of classical quotations from New York.

You think I’d rather be spending that time jerking off?

- St Vandoofus, taking matters into his own hands after being told his time would be better utilized by not mucking around his news website.

[The] Circus needs reforms, or a regime change.

- St Vandoofus, threatening to overthrow Kahuna and introduce perestroika^[1] in the Circus.

Bloody Bolshevik!

- Kahuna, responding to St Vandoofus’s unsolicited reform proposals.

^[1] Shortly after this conversation, it was discovered that Alexander Yakovlev believed to be the architect of Mikhail Gorbachev's glasnost and perestroika policies, died today at the age of 81.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 7

What are you referring to now, you infernal insomniac?

- Darth Ching, responding to an interrupt issued by Kahuna.

Judging by your alcohol-blood ratio, I believe you're quite close to an ethanol-based life form.

- Kahuna, raising a highly flammable point with Darth Ching.

It ain’t over till the Fat Man signs.

- Kahuna, making cryptic references to Professor Gordon’s refusal to scrawl on the dotted line.

Baaaaa!

- Darth Kahuna, issuing a greeting in their native tongue, to a group of sheep found in the yard of a house in Bernisdale, on the Isle of Skye.

Baaa! Baaaaaaa?

- The sheep, politely reciprocating and enquiring where Kahuna learned to speak the language so fluently.

I tell you it was burying a bone!

- Darth Teddy, insisting that a sheep encountered in Bernisdale was exhibiting patently canine behavior.

I am a senior senior java architect, I don’t know this trivial stuff.

- St Vandoofus in his own defense, on being unable to add two columns correctly in Microsoft Excel.

Drawing one's lightsaber while commenting, "I find your lack of faith in the technical architecture disturbing” has its plus points.

- Darth Kahuna, mulling over the use of a lightsaber to settle disputes during a design meeting.

I have moved up in the Empire.

- Professor Gordon, on being kicked upstairs to the 15^th floor.

Has your net pay increased with altitude?

- Darth Kahuna to Professor Gordon, attempting to establish direct correlation before offering the latter a highly paid assignment in low Earth orbit.

"Flash" Gordon Weighs In With New Persona

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- In unexpected developments breaking from the desolation of Ganemulla, arch-climatologist Professor Gordon has unilaterally declared himself to be "Flash" Gordon. This is believed to be a publicity stunt by the portly one to widen his profile and share of voice.

According to sources familiar with the situation, "Flash" Gordon is already involved in a property dispute over the planet Bungo with arch-nemesis Ching the Merciless. Both parties had apparently refused to budge from their respective stands.

Speaking to the press this morning, Kahuna proposed that a negotiated settlement should be arrived at through a joint mechanism [ekaabadda yanthraya]. He added that this was possible by joining the two factions in series to the high-voltage side of a large transformer. Political analysts mused that while this was a controversial method, Kahuna may be attempting proof by induction.

"Flash" Gordon was not available for comment, having absconded from imperial business today to retrieve Claudius, his Chief of Staff who was stranded on the roof of his rural hideout. It is believed that Claudius may have been carrying out a roof inspection at the time of the incident. Hasty attempts by "Flash" Gordon to rig a Precision Approach Path Indicator (PAPI) using a Class II laser pointer and entice Claudius have resulted in chaos with extraneous cats responding to the projection. The situation remained unresolved at the time of blogging.

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 6

Well, is Ecuador South America or Central?

- St Vandoofus, enquiring on the geographic location of his proposed destination.

You are not helping my packing.

- St Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s travel advice involving active volcanoes.

You think there is GSM in the middle of the Amazon?

- St Vandoofus, defending his missed deadlines to Kahuna.

You may refer to me as Darth Ching, and I will refer to you as Darth Pokemon.

- Darth Ching, attempting to establish protocol with Kahuna.

Did you take your inflatable lightsabre?

- Kahuna, enquiring upon Darth Ching’s ceremonial attire for viewing Episode III.

Always two there are: a master and an apprentice. If once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will, as it did to Obi-Wan's apprentice.

- The Monster, at One with Yoda.

A messenger porcupine have I sent. Greatly inconvenienced you will be.

- Kahuna, declaring his intent to make the Monster Minus One with Yoda.