Gordon to Outsource Santa; Reindeer Launch Industrial Action

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Professor Ebenezer Gordon, Chairman and Grand Poobah of Gordon Industries, Inc., today announced that he would be outsourcing this year's Christmas gift delivery operation to India. He cited the rising supply chain cost of his Santa Claus business, eroding margins and the deteriorating relations with his reindeer as reasons behind this unprecedented move.

Gordon indicated that this new arrangement would have a positive impact on his bottom line for 2007, while also maintaining his burgeoning waistline below forecast. However, he cautioned that the full impact of savings would only be realized in the coming fiscal year after the planned disposal of his North Pole complex. Market sentiment was mixed and the news was not warmly received by Gordon's reindeer who were seen picketing and calling for his immediate ouster.

Industry sources pointed out that Gordon was already embroiled in a bitter trade union dispute with his reindeer on the equitable distribution of milk and cookies. The situation has taken a turn for the worse with layoffs now expected thanks to the proposed business model. It is reliably learned that Gordon's new outsourcing partner would use a fleet of Bajaj three-wheeled vehicles for outbound logistics instead of the more traditional sleigh. This has proved to be a thorny issue during negotiations and a spokesdeer for the reindeer union said that talks had ended in a stalemate. He said that the union had expressed grave reservations regarding the environmental impact of Bajaj engines and called for an independent assessment by Nobel laureate Al Gore. The spokesdeer added that Gordon was vehemently opposed to this idea, allegedly fearing that Gore would reveal potentially inconvenient truths that might derail his dastardly plans.

When contacted by KNN, Kahuna said that Gordon was indeed moving forward given a conversation held shortly before:

Kahuna : You're up quite late. Are you doing a stock
         count of the toy inventory?
Gordon : Er no, I am backing up a database to be 
         sent to a clownette in Chennai.
Kahuna : The naughty and nice list for your 
         outsourced service provider no doubt X-(
Gordon : Bah X-(

He added that Gordon was counting on his controversial Global Cooling initiative to offset any impact on climate change.

In related news breaking from Connecticut, the Monster is expected to arrive in the tropics on the 25^th of December, fueling speculation that Gordon is handing over the reigns to his portly sibling. KNN has been unable to independently verify this claim with Gordon remaining tight-lipped about the matter.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, Darth Teddy is believed to be searching for his Santa hat for upcoming festivities. The anaconda keeper had not ruled out turning up in his birthday suit should the quest for headgear be thwarted.

And on that rather dodgy note, the Circus wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Red Banner

The Red Banner (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

ISTANBUL, Turkey -- The flag of Turkey, also known as the red banner or al sancak hoisted inside the Gate of Salutation leading to the second courtyard of the Topkapı Palace. The palace was the residence of the Ottoman Sultans from 1465 until 1853. It was made a museum in 1924.

Captured on 28^th October 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on aperture priority (f/5.0) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/50^th of a second. 

The Moon Star

 
The Moon Star (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

ISTANBUL, Turkey -- The national flag and ensign of Turkey, hoisted vertically at the Hagia Sofia. The Al Yildiz, meaning moon star in Turkish, is based on the last flag adopted by the Ottoman Empire in 1844. It was standardized in 1936, about twelve years after the creation of the republic by Mustafa Kemal Atatürk.

Captured on 26^th October 2007 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/2.8) with a resultant shutter speed of 1/250^th of second. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 16: On Shaky Ground

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Arch-technologist Professor Gordon found himself all shaken up a few months ago thanks to the seismic research conducted by his daughter.

Regular readers will recall previous research established conclusively that hard disk drives do not operate when immersed in orange juice. Attempts to discover the speed of light in a greased optical medium were only narrowly averted. Given this context, we now disclose the buffoonery that took place during a conversation with Kahuna:

Gordon : My daughter has taken refuge under the
         table.
Kahuna : What on earth is she doing under the table?
Gordon : I have no idea.
Kahuna : I suggest you brace yourself for local 
         tectonic activity.
Gordon : Now what?
Kahuna : She might yank a strategic cable or 
         otherwise muck things up.
Gordon : @##%@#$%@#%@#$@#$@#$@ Gaaaaaaaah just as
         you provided that warning, she switched 
         on the massage function on the chair 
         causing great alarm.
Kahuna : [ROTFL] [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [FUME] You're causing remote alarms 
         BTBOTP.

While Gordon's own experiments with such things as pyrotechnics began at an early age, he appears to be in great danger of being outdone by his offspring. Who know what she might do next? Heh heh. On that disturbing note, we sign off for today.

Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara

Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2007)

DAMBULLA, Sri Lanka -- Sepia photographs from the historic Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara, originally constructed during the reign of King Vattagamini Abhaya (Valagamba) during the first century BC and embellished over the millennia.

Captured on 20^th July 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II). The photograph of the reclining Buddha was taken at ISO 400 on shutter priority (1/15^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/1.8. 

Melancholy

Melancholy (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

DAMBULLA, Sri Lanka -- A Toque Macaque (Macaca sinica) also known as a Temple Monkey, stares sadly at Kahuna along the rear steps leading to the Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara.

Captured on 20^th July 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/2.0) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second.

The Way of the Buffalo

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- The award of the 2007 Nobel Prize in Physics to Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg for their independent discoveries of the quantum mechanical effect of giant magnetoresistance is indeed most appropriate. There is no question that IBM's subsequent invention of the giant magnetoresistive head and resulting miniaturization of hard disk drives led to the boom in high-capacity consumer electronic devices including the ubiquitous iPod.

It also offers much needed hope that some day, the quantum electodynamic principle of giant cabinetics would be likewise recognized with an appropriate award, preferably decorated with cacti and presented rectally.

In this continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy, we examine the science (yes, there appears to be a method to the madness) behind the construction of a cabinet. The mammoth proportions of the national cabinet have of course been well documented previously, along with more transparent alternatives. The Monster's First Law has also established that the Temple of the Monkey consists of monks and monkeys. A giant cabinet G, can be expressed mathematically as G = S ∪ X, where:

M is the set of incumbents of the Temple;

B is the Bovino number: i.e., the quantum of buffaloes (Bubalus bubalis spp.) needed to generate sufficient methane in 24 hours to cause the inner sanctum of the Temple to ignite with a customary pop upon application of a lit taper. Empirical evidence has established that B ≈ 50 when |M| → 225;

S is a proper subset of M, such that |S| ≥ B;

X is the executive set such that |X| = 1 by definition.

By convention, a giant cabinet consists of the crème de la crème (i.e., the scum) of the Temple, properly termed buffaloes. While monkeys exhibit fermion behavior, buffaloes are bosons and obey Bose-Einstein statistics. Consequently, members of a herd tend to occupy the same quantum state (usually a mud hole) to chew the cud while surrounded by a swarm of flies. Any productivity is purely accidental.

A giant cabinet likewise occupies a single quantum state and hogs all available resources to keep productivity in check. An attendant swarm of deputy monkeys and non-cabinet monkeys provide ancillary services. In the process, greenhouse gases are generated to melt the polar ice and form more mud holes. Thus is secured the survival of the species. Some experts believe that given sufficient time, the bogosity of a single giant cabinet could usher in a new Dark Age, if not an industrial fertilizer plant.

However, another school of thought believes that a giant cabinet is a special type of non-rotating black hole, with attraction so powerful that not even money can escape. The controversial Black Hole Theory of Governance suggests that buffaloes chewing cud in a circle would create a singularity that causes valuables to gravitate towards it to be siphoned off into numbered bank accounts. While there seems to be some evidence of missing funds, experimental evidence of an actual buffalo singularity remains as elusive as the Higgs boson.

Critics of the theory have also pointed out that the Schwarzchild radius of such an object would be improbably large. However, these concerns have done little to prevent the proponents of the theory from hazarding that the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy is actually caused by the Galactic Senate trying to order lunch.

And so the debate rages on; however, one thing remains certain: there is absolutely no shortage of buffaloes. Interested readers will find more buffoonery in our previous stories about parliarmentary bogocracy.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 34

I think Cleopatra was the best.

— Gordon to Kahuna, having sampled forbidden fruit in the absence of Caesar.

Your darthworthiness has been questioned.

— Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy's credentials after leaking sensitive information about goings-on in Brighton to Fluke.

Bah, the look on your face as you held the rubbers in one hand and the vibrator in the other, like some multi-armed deity, in front of your roommates, is way off the scale.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, disclosing sordid snippets from the Brighton Files.

How many pics of the pussy did you take?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, making highly inappropriate references to members of the genus Panthera.

It was a male leopard; it had the balls to prove it.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, setting the record straight.

Please send more dodgy pictures.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking more incriminating evidence of senior management frolicking in the Yala.

How do you people come up with this buffoonery?

— Fluke to Darth Teddy, seeking to understand the nature of the Farce.

We're clowns.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, explaining the nature of the Farce for the benefit of Fluke.

Perhaps I will poke him; it is a great honor to be poked by Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to prod Fluke on Facebook.

Who the fuck is Fluke?

— Gordon, in his debut performance of Living Next Door to Fluke.

Would you like to have your posterior pummeled?

— Kahuna, inviting Darth Teddy to a game of Scrabble.

You've indicated that we've lived together.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Baroness's dubious disclosures on Facebook.

Yep, let's create a scandal.

— The Baroness, refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.

Does the Baron know about this illicit relationship we've had?

— Kahuna to the Baroness, seeking safe conducts.

I will have you idiots sealed if you don't watch it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure at the respective seals of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

My brother-in-law just threw an imaginary hippo at me.

— The Baroness, announcing the discovery of the Hippopotamus notional spp.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless purchased five pairs of shoes by Imelda Marcos.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, describing a harrowing escape from the Takashimaya with Huggles, duly confounded by Her Royal Highness.

Will you be lobbying for a ban on underwear?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy's stand on the semper ubi sub ubi policy.

I will be confiscating them.

— Darth Teddy, revealing plans for his summer collection.

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

I agree wholeheartedly; let us begin by ceremonially throwing a sheep at his offending posterior.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, agreeing to a rearguard action on Gordon for failure to join Facebook.

I forgot to lock the croc before heading out.

— Gordon to Kahuna, pleading mea culpa to an alligator being found in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

You're attempting to deploy a navy of lake monsters to terrorize the public.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of submarine warfare.

I'll have you whacked with a truckload of kimbula banis^[1] if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to silence Kahuna by means of amphibious baguettes.

Your personal bogosity must have caused an ass-to-cloud discharge.

— Kahuna, speculating that a backfired lightning strike may have led to the untimely demise of Gordon's broadband router.

At this rate, I'll need galvanic isolation.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation at frequent brownouts courtesy of the Ceylon 'Electricity' Board.

I can put you in a Faraday cage if you like.

— Gordon, proposing an extreme solution to isolate Kahuna.

Convert all the exit signs to simplified Chinese and they will die within the building.

— Kahuna to Gordon, offering a viable double-byte solution to clueless management.

Send them to me for Architecture 101; I will confiscate their laptops and give them paper and pencil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical laptopectomy on pointy-haired types.

We might have a few fatalities on the first day due to blood loss from improper use of a pencil, not to mention paper cuts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, setting expectations for Architecture 101.

At the next meeting use a samurai sword as a pointing device.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a cutting-edge solution to clueless management.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

^[1] For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, kimbula means crocodile and a kimbula banis is an elongated, crocodile-shaped bun coated with sugar.

Cherry Bowl Drive-In

Saw her at the Texaco just the other day.
Even more beautiful, her hair had touch of grey.
We both stood and stared at each other, couldn't say a word.
Then I said, "God, it's good to see you."
And she said, "Well, have you heard...

"They're tearin' down the Cherry Bowl Drive-In tomorrow
Where I first kissed you and you ran my fingers through your hair.
She's goin' the way all things must go someday
but, I will still remember you there.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I will still remember you there."

Then I said, "Little Melissa, she's lookin' more and more like you.
Saw her down on Maple Street, she's even got your same smile, too.
And my Jake Jr. says,'Daddy, somebody I'm gonna marry that girl.'
Isn't that just perfect? Such a crazy world.

"So they're tearin' down the Cherry Bowl Drive-In tomorrow?
Where I first kissed you and you ran my fingers through your hair.
She's goin' the way all things must go someday
But, I will still remember you there.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I will still remember you there.

"Hey, can you get away tomorrow?
If you can't I understand.
It's just that when the big screen falls,
I'd like to be holdin' your hand,
holdin' your hand

"when they're tearin' down the Cherry Bowl Drive-In tomorrow,
where I first kissed you and you ran my fingers through your hair.
She's goin' the way all things must go someday
but, I will still remember you there.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
I will still remember us there."

— Joshua Kadison, Vanishing America (EMI, 2001). Copyright © 2001 Joshuasongs (BMI), Seymour Glass Songs (BMI).

Another great song from Joshua Kadison. The MP3 version can be downloaded from his website.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 6 - The War of the Cheeses

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A few weeks ago, Kahuna's cheese-loving senior canine instigated a skirmish with Darth Teddy. If you thought dairy products were safe, think again:

Kahuna      : Gah! The resident cheesehound has
              detected cheese in my scone and
              demanded its share.
Darth Teddy : You have a rat at home?
Kahuna      : Er no, this is a dog.
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : It has a cheesetooth.
Darth Teddy : I see. Is this similar to a
              sabretooth?
Kahuna      : Yes, but with more affinity towards
              cultured dairy products.
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : You sound cheesed off.
Darth Teddy : There is no reason to go goat about
              it.
Kahuna      : Now you're yakking.
Darth Teddy : You have no idea of the words you
              udder.
Kahuna      : As if ewe do X-(
Darth Teddy : I will launch you towards the Milky
              Way if you don't watch it.
Kahuna      : May Gouda help you when I'm through
              with you X-(
Darth Teddy : You will have trouble reaching me
              after I dispatch you to check if the
              moon is made out of Blue.
Kahuna      : Your Waterloo is long overdue if you
              ask me.
Darth Teddy : You will find your Testouri in a twist
              if you are not careful.
Kahuna      : I knew this was a Trappe X-(
Darth Teddy : Little do you know that this is only
              the beginning of the Saga.
Kahuna      : You will come to a sorry end on the
              Isle of Mull if you persist in this
              lunacy X-(
Darth Teddy : Don't make me feed you to the lions by
              Samso.
Kahuna      : I'm going to kick your Butte all the
              way to Tibet x-(
Darth Teddy : Not if I set my killer Picok on you
              first X-(
Kahuna      : My Tronchon will make short work of
              your Picok X-(
Darth Teddy : That will be no mean Feta, I can
              guarantee you of that.
Kahuna      : I promise you that you'll end up
              Pourly.
Darth Teddy : I Spitse in your face. Phtooey!
Kahuna      : Munster! X-(
Darth Teddy : Ha! You will keep saying that when I
              set Gorgonzola on you.
Kahuna      : My Longhorn will settle Gorgonzola's
              hash X-(
Darth Teddy : Your Longhorn will end up in Limburger
              shortly.
Kahuna      : This is a load of Buffalo if you ask
              me X-(
Darth Teddy : You watch you Tongue X-(
Kahuna      : BRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :-p
Darth Teddy : I will now depart.
Kahuna      : Are you conceding? :-P
Darth Teddy : Er no, no.  I am going Panela.
              Good bye.
Kahuna      : Bye bye.

Much cheese was consumed during this production.

Darth Teddy's Dodgy Deliveries: Part 1 - The Horn of the Monkey

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Darth Teddy perpetrated Outright Buffoonery last Monday, when he had a dodgy birthday cake delivered to Kahuna through his emerging logistics network.

Despite the Bear's best laid plains, however, his logistics provider bungled the element of surprise by calling Kahuna the Saturday before. It seems they didn't quite trust the data provided by the Bear and wished to confirm Kahuna's identity and delivery address. This turned out to be a good thing since Darth Teddy's sinister plan was to have the merchandise delivered to Kahuna's workplace. Realizing that the anaconda keeper was up to no good, Kahuna promptly diverted the delivery to His abode to neutralize the threat. Buffoonery continued on Monday when the delivery types lost their way in the apparently labyrinthine road network leading to said abode. Another round of talks was held to extricate the clowns from the maze.

When the cake finally arrived at its destination (in the absence of Kahuna) it turned out to be a highly unorthodox construction replete with pointy bits sticking out of the container through a custom-built aperture geometry that would have intrigued Euclid. This is the highly suggestive sight that greeted Kahuna when He returned home:


El Cuerno del Mono (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

The container was opened to reveal what appeared to be a cake in the form of a monkey: specifically a horny monkey, presumably of the Pan corneolus darthii spp., as evidenced by the disgustingly happy grin on its face.






Up Close and Personal (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

Darth Teddy was reportedly quite pleased with his antics, despite the hilarious misadventures of his burgeoning logistics empire, noting that "It's a horny monkey; what's not to love?" Meanwhile, Kahuna admitted that He had made incisions into the monkey's hindquarters and declared them to be quite tasty. He added that the Darth Teddy had become a bigger menace than anticipated, but assured that appropriate countermeasures were being planned. He remained tight-lipped when asked if these would be of an edible nature.

Kahuna's actual age is the subject of much debate, although, some—including the heavyweight de Gordonzola lobby—have concluded that He's practically a relic and any demise on His part would not be untimely. Kahuna, however, scoffed at these suggestions and indicated that He planned to hang around and make Himself a nuisance to the planet until further notice. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 15 - The Way of the Frog

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- What do frogs and Richard Branson have in common? Not much, but if you leave it to Kahuna and Professor Gordon, anything is possible. Today we present a vividly chromatic conversation that went completely out of control and resulted in the manifestation of wildlife in a manner that defied probability.

To provide the right context, we ought to point out that Kahuna was in the habit of distributing interesting websites to Gordon and others. We begin just after Kahuna had passed on an yet another URL to Gordon, much to the latter's frustration:

Gordon : Looks like the link server is up :-l
Kahuna : Without me you'd be a FITW.
Gordon : And this is some sort of F2F network? X-(
Kahuna : F2F?
Gordon : Frog-to-Frog X-(
         Ribbit X-(
Kahuna : Apparently the correct way to make frog
         sounds is to go "BREK-KEK-KEK."
Gordon : From the frog’s mouth :-P
Kahuna : It is quite a good simulation by R P
         Feynman.
Kahuna : BTW, did you note the Branson's aircraft?
Gordon : Er, indeed.
Kahuna : Ethernet to every seat X-(
         And the flight entertainment system is
         running on Red Hat.
Gordon : Indeed. To entertain your black ass.
Kahuna : I believe you were caught red-handed
         engaging in black magic not long ago :-P
Gordon : White lies.
Kahuna : I see you're displaying the yellow feather.
Gordon : I'll show you the red card if you don’t
         watch it.
Kahuna : You're getting quite blue in the face
         aren't you?
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm quite close to giving you a
         black eye.
Kahuna : You're going green with envy X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm looking pink and fresh with
         apologies to Lieutenant Gruber.
Kahuna : You'll be quite pale and white if you don't
         watch it by Monsieur Alfonse X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm quite alive by the Red Hot
         Chili Peppers.
Kahuna : You will end up embalmed in the Red Square
         à la Comrade Lenin X-(
Gordon : And for you, it'll be the Black Death by
         Speedy Gonzales.
Kahuna : The Yellow Submarine will be your tomb by
         the Beatles X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'll make a quick getaway in my
         Little Red Corvette.
Gordon : And I'll let the air out of the Pink
         Cadillac lest you follow :-p
Kahuna : Your getaway car will end up in the Blue
         Bayou :-p
Gordon : Nope, I'll be on Yellow Brick Road.
Kahuna : I will have you encased in amber X-(
Gordon : I'll set the Red Army upon you.
Kahuna : Blackguard X-(
Gordon : Red Indian X-(

[Considerable pause]

Gordon : Have you blacked out? :-D
Kahuna : Er no, a frog materialized X-(
         I'm trying to get rid of it.
Gordon : [ROTFL]
Kahuna : [FUME]
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : He's probably looking for a mate [SNICKER]
Kahuna : I will beat you black and blue X-(
Gordon : [GUFFAW]^100
         That was the most hilarious coincidence on
         the planet :-p This whole fiasco started
         with a frog.
Kahuna : Heh Heh, indeed [ROTFL]
         I believe this will be The Way of the Frog.

And so it was to be. A frog did indeed manifest itself in Kahuna's chambers, bypassing the security layer enforced by His household canine and feline subsystems. The intruder was, however, escorted out of the premises shortly afterwards in a container class.

This incident leads us to suspect that large clowns can influence reality by virtue of their clown factor. Kahuna intends to carry out further research into this phenomenon, this time with elephants instead of frogs. It was not immediately clear if the arch-zoologist Professor Gordon would also be taking part in the study.

Incidentally, Kahuna, who was known to speak fluent sheep, learned to croak a long time ago when He read a review of Richard Feynman's autobiography, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!^[1] in Discover magazine. Feynman himself had learned it from The Frogs, a comedy written by Aristophanes and first performed in 405 BC. Never one to stand on ceremony, Feynman recounts putting his croaking skills to good use after winning the 1965 Nobel Prize in Physics:

People told me that there was a rule in Sweden that after you accept the Prize, you have to back away from the king without turning around. You come down some steps, accept the Prize, and then go back up the steps. So I said to myself, "All right, I'm gonna fix them!"—and I practiced jumping up stairs, backwards, to show how ridiculous their custom was. I was in a terrible mood! That was stupid and silly, of course. I found out this wasn't a rule any more; you could turn around when you left the king, and walk like a normal human being, in the direction you were intending to go, with your nose in front.

I was pleased to find that not all the people in Sweden take the royal ceremonies as seriously as you might think. When you get there, you discover that they're on your side. The students had, for example, a special ceremony in which they granted each Nobel-Prize-winner the special "Order of the Frog." When you get this little frog, you have to make a frog noise. When I was younger I was anti-culture, but my father had some good books around. One was a book with the old Greek play The Frogs in it, and I glanced at it one time and I saw in there that a frog talks. It was written as "brek, kek, kek." I thought, "No frog ever made a sound like that; that's a crazy way to describe it!" so I tried it, and after practicing it awhile, I realized that it's very accurately what a frog says. So my chance glance into a book by Aristophanes turned out to be useful, later on: I could make a good frog noise at the students' ceremony for the Nobel-Prize-winners! And jumping backwards fit right in, too. So I liked that part of it; that ceremony went well.

There is no doubt that in addition to his contribution to physics, Richard Feynman was also one of the largest buffoons ever to walk the planet. His autobiographies^[1][2]—which deal with such eclectic topics as the Manhattan Project, lock-picking, safe-cracking, topless bars, bongo playing, Mayan hieroglyphics and the investigation into the Challenger disaster—are strongly recommended.

Meanwhile, Richard Branson has seen it fit to redefine the aviation industry in North America with his new airline, Virgin America. Not only will power outlets be provided at cruise altitude, but also USB and Ethernet. The competition can expect to have their collective asses whipped when widespread services commence.

On that disturbing note, we leave you for now. Please note that no frogs were harmed during this production.

^[1] Feynman, Richard et.al. "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!". New York: W.W. Norton, 1997.
^[2] Feynman, Richard. What Do You Care What Other People Think?. Boston: Unwin Hyman, 1988.

The West Highland Line

The West Highland Line (Copyright © 2007 Google Inc)

WEST HIGHLAND LINE, Scotland -- In the early Autumn of 2005, Kahuna and Darth Teddy embarked on an expedition of Scotland by rail. The first leg of the journey began at the Queen Street station in Glasgow and ended in the fishing port of Mallaig on the west coast of Scotland.

The West Highland Line, Rathad Iarainn nan Eilean ("Iron Road to the Isles") in Scotts Gaelic, is arguably one of most scenic railway lines in the United Kingdom. Here are some of the photographs of the journey from the vast Archives of Kahuna.


Driving Trailer of Class 318 EMU (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

We pass a driving trailer of a British Rail Class 318 electric multiple unit train (as opposed to a locomotive). This type of train would usually be configured with two driving trailers and a central motor car containing the traction motors.


The Hills (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)


The Barrow (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

This barrow full of flowers was parked on a small lonely railway platform, the name of which escapes us. Kahuna posted a close-up of this scene as an entry to the controversial Vandoofus Prize in 2005.


The Misty Highlands (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Misty Peak (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Mist-Swept Loch (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

 
Class 37 Locomotive 'The Saltire Society' (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

This is a Class 37 Diesel-Electric locomotive named 'The Saltire Society' built in the 1950s and refitted in the 1980s. The diesel engine, main alternator and traction motors are contained in a single car.


The Loch (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Glenfinnan Viaduct (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

We pass over the Glenfinnan Viaduct built by Robert 'Concrete Bob' McAlpine during the early 20^th century. Fans of the Harry Potter movies (which exclude Kahuna and Darth Teddy) will recognize the viaduct from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Darth Teddy is known to have strong views on the subject. "I detest that brat," and "they should have killed him in the first book," being some of the milder oaths attributed to the allegedly cuddly one.


The Sea Loch (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)


The Contentious Game (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

In between swigs of Scottish ale, Kahuna and Darth Teddy engaged in a long game of Scrabble during the journey. Naturally, the anaconda keeper was squarely trounced by Kahuna. This incident remains a sore point with Darth Teddy to this day.


Cursum Perficio (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

After almost five hours, our journey comes to an end at the beautiful port of Mallaig. We spent the night feasting on some of the freshest seafood in Scotland and took the ferry to the Isle of Skye the next day, but that's another story.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 14 - The Way of the Bog

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Regular readers know that Professor Gordon attracts loads of spam, thanks in part to his huge personal bogosity. We touched upon the subject of spam some time ago, during the Moses Affair.

It was during this time that Kahuna came across a hilarious piece on scambaiting, i.e., paying scammers back at their own game. This particular story was about Father Hector Barnett and the Holy Church of The Order of The Red Breast.

Clearly, this was much too good to leave alone and the foul exchange that took place between 'Father' Gordon and Kahuna quite literally stank to high heaven:

Gordon : I am from the Order of the Hole in the Ass.
Kahuna : Yes, I've heard of this X-(
Gordon : I'm sure you have.
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : We operate out of a trailer park in 
         Martha's Vineyard.
Kahuna : You're trespassing aren't you?
Gordon : It's god's will.
Kahuna : Bah, your god is a clown.
Gordon : It takes all sorts to make the universe go
         round.
Kahuna : A decent spin is all it takes. Have you 
         prayed to your god today?
Gordon : The Order of the Hole in the Ass considers 
         farts to be prayers. In that light, yes, 
         I have prayed quite a lot today.
Kahuna : Yes, your flatulence is quite legendary. I
         believe it was reported that you were 
         considering such a propulsion mechanism for
         your Stratosweeper.
Gordon : Don't talk shit.
Kahuna : Well you started with this load of crap X-(
Gordon : Bullshit.
Kahuna : Poppycock X-(
Gordon : Rubbish.
Kahuna : Piss off.
Gordon : Asswipe X-(
Kahuna : Will you be using one square à la S Crow? 
         X-(
Gordon : No, we use water à la most Sri Lankans X-(
Kahuna : Polluter X-(
Gordon : Would you rather I roamed about with pieces
         of shit in my ass? X-(
Kahuna : What you do with your ass is not covered by
         federal jurisdiction X-(
Gordon : So why are you poking your nose up it?
Kahuna : You're trying to raise a stink here aren't
         you? X-(
Gordon : Incidentally, I need to take a dump X-(
         BRB X-(
Kahuna : An offering to your god no doubt? X-(
Gordon : You bet.
Kahuna : Praise the lord!

Father Gordon's plans to visit the inner sanctum, however, were not meant to be, for a diabolical interruption took place:

Gordon : My daughter just turned up and requested to
         be carried :-l
Kahuna : Oh shit!
Kahuna : [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : ROTFL.
Gordon : I will thump you with a diaper genie if you
         don't watch it X-(
Gordon : BRB X-(

Gordon eventually retired to his inner sanctum and returned after what appears to have been considerable prayer:

Kahuna : Have you prayed, my son? Do you feel the 
         relief? [GUFFAW]
Gordon : There is a god.

The next day, Kahuna sought an audience with Father Gordon once more:

Kahuna : Flush() Flush() Flush()
         Are you in 'Holy' Father?
Gordon : You're bogging me down X-(
Kahuna : You seem to be in deep shit, Father X-(
Gordon : I'm not taking advice from an old fart X-(
Kahuna : Temper, temper.  You're in a crappy mood.
Gordon : Bullshit.
Kahuna : Flush it X-(
Gordon : Why are you so uptight? Do you need a 
         laxative? X-(
Kahuna : Look who's talking.  You seem to be in 
         desperate need of prayer.
Gordon : Nonsense, I just prayed X-(
Kahuna : In the name of the Farter, the Bog and the
         Holy Bidet?

On that unquestionably septic note, we conclude this story. The die-hards among you who need further laughter can read the full Tale of the Painted Breast, replete with photographs.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 5 - The Hot and the Bothered

SENTOSA, Singapore -- A few weeks ago, Kahuna was contained on the island of Sentosa off the coast of Singapore, presumably for the safety of the mainland. Whilst He was lounging around at the Rasa Sentosa Resort of Shangri-La fame, a conversation took place with Darth Teddy:

Kahuna      : I shall now iron.
Darth Teddy : Indeed, I did this yesterday.
Kahuna      : You appear quite unruffled about this.
Darth Teddy : Indeed, it's not a crushing situation.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, this could put a crease in
              your pants.
Darth Teddy : However, this could cause a burn. Not
              to mention end up in a steamy
              situation.
Kahuna      : Quite. This iron has started hissing
              at regular intervals X-(
Darth Teddy : This could be considered to be a
              mating call in some parts.  Maybe you
              should respond by unzipping your
              pants or something.
Kahuna      : Oh is that what you do?  Mate with
              the iron while it makes suggestive
              sounds X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no, I haven't attempted it with an
              iron yet.
Kahuna      : I always wondered what that "Caution:
              Hot Iron" warning was all about X-(
Darth Teddy : Hehe, there's a quote. That iron is
              seriously overestimating its hotness
              if you ask me.
Kahuna      : As for you, your anaconda should have
              a warning label X-(
Darth Teddy : It does: it says "Blow Me for Best
              Results."
Kahuna      : That's not the sort of warning I had
              in mind X-(
Darth Teddy : Well you don't always get what you
              want.
Kahuna      : I was thinking more in the lines of
              "Caution: Concealed Weapon" or
              "Warning: Use Eye Protection."
Darth Teddy : Hehe, and at the bottom "Blow for
              Best Results."
Kahuna      : @#$%#$%$#% will you be making a label
              for yourself? X-(

No clothing was left crumpled during these proceedings. However, the appropriately labeled anaconda keeper is believed to be at large.

The Darth Teddy-Fluke Messages: Part 1 - The Ways of the Farce

THE EMPIRE, Outer Space -- One of the many lessons that Fluke will learn is portrayed in the first of the Teddy-Fluke messages. May the Farce be with you all.

Darth Teddy     : You still know nothing of the 
                  Farce!
Fluke Skywalker : Do you think arrogance clouds my
                  better judgment?
Darth Teddy     : And obviously you are flaunting 
                  it with some amateur female!
Fluke Skywalker : True, that statement may be.
Darth Teddy     : Arrogance is good if to control
                  it you know how.
Fluke Skywalker : I admit I have much to learn.
Fluke Skywalker : I hope not to be another Obi-Wan.
Darth Teddy     : You will note the various buttons
                  push do I to off people piss.
Fluke Skywalker : Slowly but surely I have been 
                  aware of them.
Darth Teddy     : Indeed, you may practice on that
                  tree.  Call it Gajid we do.
Darth Teddy     : What hit him will not know he!
Fluke Skywalker : As always, a point you have made
                  O Cuddly One.
Darth Teddy     : You will practice stealth and 
                  patience young Fluke.
Fluke Skywalker : I will indeed.
Darth Teddy     : Go, train in the ways of the 
                  Farce!
Darth Teddy     : But protection you shall use.
Fluke Skywalker : I will do as you've advised.
Fluke Skywalker : Protection I use always.
Darth Teddy     : Hmmm, Strong the Farce may 
                  eventually be in this one!

Fluke was unavailable for comment after this exchange as he set off on a journey after a tree. However please free to abduct him on the way and pose your questions.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 33

The least you could have done was to aim the projectile accurately.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for bungling the target zone during the last meteorite strike.

Need to loosen up my fingers again; they are a bit too stiff.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, forecasting ominous digital deeds.

Did I tell you about the FedEx guy who wanted to know why I was wearing a skirt?

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the follies of answering the door in Georgia while dressed in sarong.

And I think UQ is rigged; I'm certain that I made dodgier comments than the ones portrayed, and all of this has been overlooked for some hogwash.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure over non-inclusion in UQ32.

I am the USP for this series; I have fans to cater to.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, making a point about Unquotable Quotes.

Your USP is your anaconda, and you can quote me on that.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, pointing elsewhere.

So you're suggesting we replace the L2 with a baobab?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's radical departure from silicon in his new processor architecture.

Let's me get this right: we have pigeons bringing in the data from off chip storage, then there's a ring of elephants around the baobab who stomp on the incoming data to compress it?

— Kahuna, trying to picture Gordon's new processor architecture.

Yes, and vultures cleaning up any leftovers.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his organic garbage collection mechanism.

This compression appears to be lossy.

— Kahuna, expressing concerns about Gordon's pachydermal data compression algorithm.

When was the last time you recovered anything squashed by an elephant then?

— Gordon to Kahuna, proving to be quite thick-skinned on the need for an inverse compression function.

According to Gordon, you get the elephants to stomp on the file.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on being asked how to reduce the size of JPG file to a minimum.

They should drain that bloody lake and sort out the whole affair once and for all.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing an in-depth solution to locate the Loch Ness Monster.

Uugggh, scary monster.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Darth Teddy adorning the Board of Buffoons.

Am I still in the waiting list for a stripper?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, checking his prior booking.

And you're occupying the couch, the whole couch and nothing but the couch?

— Kahuna, attempting to establish Darth Teddy's whereabouts.

So help me plod.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, swearing by his slouch.

We're going to get an NC-17 rating at this rate.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of recent explicit postings on the Circus.

Are you still raising a point of order about these peanuts?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's concerns regarding 25 tons of peanuts being delivered to CBS on account of 'Jericho' being canceled.

By the way, I think you should install Food Fight on Facebook so that I can throw things at you.

— The Baroness, seeking to pelt Kahuna with a pie.

You have published more on me than any other clown on the planet already.

— Gordon, noting Kahuna's unauthorized biographical works.

Precisely; I was expecting preferential treatment.

— Kahuna, on expecting to write Gordon's obituary.

You will probably be the cause of my demise as well.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a deadly view of things.

The invasion will be tomorrow.

— Gordon, providing a revised schedule to Kahuna.

You're exiting your republic as I come in?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna's plans to visit the orient during a previously scheduled invasion.

I will be remotely managing my republic.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Greetings from Boston.

— Gordon, engaging in blatant provocation of Kahuna.

Yeah right; like your anaconda won't dance when I send a stripper.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to engage in snake charming by proxy.

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Well pencil him in; my list is quite long, however.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to remove another certified idiot from the planet.

Found the dancing girls?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, checking on preparations for his visit.

No, but the male strippers are ready.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, disclosing alternative arrangements.

I am walking around in London and am actually getting paid for it.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to profitable but dodgy activities in the city.

Will we be seeing a geostationary anaconda over Watford?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, fearing the worst after learning of the Geostationary Banana over Texas.

It won't be stationary by any means.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst fears.

Those are young lions; they are just playing with their food.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the antics of Kevin Richardson.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

Anyone care to endorse this?

— Darth Teddy, seeking an empirical proof to his Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

You need to be knocked down a notch or two, BTBOTP.

— Kahuna, seeking to deflate Darth Teddy's rampant presence.

Can I stay up on the same notch and get some one to blow me instead?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing a highly inflationary alternative.

Fluke Walks Away with First Prize at Beauty Pageant

WORLD'S END, Horton Plains -- In news just in, no we made that up, in news a few weeks old we are proud, shocked and amused to announce that the newest member of the Circus, young Fluke Skywalker, collected first prize at prominent beauty pageant. This accolade that was presented to Fluke is all the more special because all other contestants were largely of the opposite sex to the winner. Please ... be nice, they were female. We use the term "largely" with some emphasis due to the inability to classify certain contestants regardless to the number of tests carried out.

Young Fluke carried away this award by a unanimous vote where everyone, yes, everyone voted only for him .. er .. her .. erm .. it. The proud winner accepted his award in a very chic' t-shirt and a bright pink hat.

As a result of this Fluke now holds the prestigious title of "Separation Kumari". A title that cannot be taken away from him or in this case he couldn't get rid of if he paid people to take it away.

Due to certain restrictions enforced by Kahuna (Big), who currently is in possession of Fluke's gonads and is yanking them with a string, I am unable to post pictures of this gracious occasion, however if requested via the comments page personal delivery can be arranged through electronic mail.

Until next time this is BNN signing off and reminding you not to forget to wish Fluke on his memorable achievement.

Chaos at the Circus

TATOOINE, Arkanis Sector -- Confusion and chaos reigned at the circus yesterday due to a major blunder made by no other than Fluke Skywalker. The chain of events began with Big Kahuna inviting Fluke to an event staged by the Circus near the Avenue of Reeds. The true intention of Big Kahuna for calling this rather hasty gathering of the Buffoons is still a subject of discussion among lesser mortals.

The hasty invitation extended by Kahuna (Big) to Fluke took him by surprise as he desperately attempted to concoct a reasonable explanation for not attending all this buffoonery. Landing the blame on the Cuddly One as the reason for not attending lasted but only a brief moment as Fluke realised that Kahuna (living up to his reputation) was in constant contact with the Anaconda Keeper throughout his conversation with Fluke.

It was at this point that a ray of light seemed to appear before Fluke in the form of the (all-knowing) Jay-See who (unaware of the Circus activities, let alone Fluke's association with Big Kahuna) promptly informed that he required Fluke to accompany him to his watering hole which was located in the vicinity of the Square of Independence. Fluke, quick to realise that this would be his modus operandi of boycotting the planned festivities of the Circus, was quick to point to Big Kahuna that he would have no choice but adhere to the Jay-See’s command (considering the Jay-See being Fluke’s commanding officer and of course his immediate future operating under him as well) to which Kahuna (Big) decided to demonstrate to Fluke the extent of his authority over the universe by threatening the Jay-See with certain pictorial evidence, which if exposed, would lead to wide-spread panic within the ranks of the Jay-See, especially since this was supposed to include the giant in cahoots with Timmy the Clown. Details of the verbal battle which ensued between Big Kahuna and the Jay-See with an even bewildered Fluke in the midst, will be excluded to spare lesser mortals of agony.

However, the fact which emerged was the magnitude of steadfast power with which Big Kahuna rules the Universe, especially when Kahuna almost summoned The Ex-Dictator at which point Fluke was at his wits end at deciding which party to support. Finally, Fluke decided (with much reluctance) to heed the Jay-See’s order and accompany the giant to his watering hole.

The fate of Fluke now hangs (very) delicately in the hands of (Big) Kahuna.

"May the Farce be with Fluke"

Tiger

Tiger (Copyright © 2007 Mahesh Markus)

WOBURN, United Kingdom -- The Tigers (Panthera tigris) within their enclosure. Unfortunately these magnificent cats were not allowed to roam free that day. 

Woburn Park

(Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

Bird of Prey: Turkmenian Eagle Owl

Turkmenian Eagle Owl (Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

WOBURN PARK, United Kingdom -- A falconer demonstrates the characteristics of a Turkmenian Eagle Owl (Bubo bubo). Darth Teddy looks on in awe. Awesome stuff. 

The Circus Presents: Fluke Skywalker (May the Farce be with Him)

Fluke Invited to Join the Circus

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In extraordinary developments reported from Kahuna's arid desert retreat yesterday, young Fluke Skywalker has been invited to join the Circus.

Kahuna made the announcement late last night after a hastily convened meeting of the Board of Buffoons. It was not immediately clear if any buffoons attended or if Kahuna had resorted to his pluralis majestatis to concoct a quorum.

Graffiti on Darth Teddy's wall had first brought Fluke to the attention of Kahuna, who had concluded that the initiate was quite a clown after a lengthy interview.

It is also understood that Darth Teddy had lobbied heavily for the inclusion, fueling suspicions that the anaconda keeper may be attempting to lure the unsuspecting Fluke to the dark side of the Farce. Kahuna sought to downplay these allegations maintaining that he had a contingent of mongooses on standby to deal with any eventuality.

KNN continues to monitor this situation will sling more mud as this story develops.

The New Toy Protocol

 
Rozzwell (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

 
Sparky (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

 
Sparky (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

 
Waffles (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna's first experiments with his new 50mm portrait lens.

Captured using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) in aperture priority at f/1.8. The first three images were taken using natural light and the last with a 90 degree bounce flash.

The Seal of the Bear

The Seal of the Bear (Copyright © 2007 D Teddy)

KODIAK ARCHIPELAGO, Alaska -- Another exclusive to BNN, we proudly unveil the official seal of Darth Teddy. Be amazed.

—Best viewed in commando mode using a wet punani—

Gordon Eyes Boston; Last Straw, Says Kahuna

Great Seal of the Republic of Boston (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- KNN has reliably learned that citrus specialist Professor Gordon is contemplating an invasion of the Republic of Boston, armed with orange juice.

Although, Gordon's motives were not entirely clear, political analysts pointed out that this was a definite threat to the security of the western hemisphere. Kahuna condemned Gordon's move and accused the arch-technologist of escalating regional tensions. He vowed to defend the republic and warned Gordon that bears armed with drinking straws have already been deployed along the border.

Gordon, who was recently appointed Monster Pro Tem of Georgia given the lack of resident lake monsters in the state, did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

KNN will continue to fuel this deteriorating situation. Stay tuned.