KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Damning evidence was uncovered today implicating crackpot inventor Professor Gordon in a devilish plot to take over the planet.
Acting on a tip-off, a KNN team infiltrated Gordon’s porcupine-infested hideout today to discover the arch-pyrotechnologist presiding over a demonic ritual to invoke the hideous powers of darkness. Attired in the traditional garb of a kattadiya[1], Gordon was seen swaggering around a smoky circle in considerable discord with the beating drums and liberally dispensing the dummala[2] with the flair of one having had a bad experience with higher explosives.
At considerable risk to life and limb, our team crept in close enough to view the unfolding spectacle, only to learn that Gordon was dabbling in the darkest of the dark arts to invoke that most dreaded and frightful construct: a jāva bhūtha yanthraya (java virtual machine).
The arch-kattadiya was heard beginning the hex with the customary preamble, ohm namo jāva bhūtha yanthram. This was followed by foul incantations describing the required features: vasthu kēndram (object-orientation), bahu nāma-rūpam (polymorphism), kula pravēniganam (class inheritance), abyantara vāranam (encapsulation), anthar mandapam (cross-platform), bahu mādyam (multimedia), klēsha rāshibhūtham (garbage collection), uchchasthara prathirūpam (high-level interface), dhrudānga vimukthi kētham (hardware-independent code) and āvarjanarakshitham (memory-safe). Gordon then closed with ohm namo namo namo[3], possibly some manner of frame check sequence or checksum.
Although, the ritual continued with increasing debauchery, our team was soon discovered by Gordon’s marauding porcupines and had to make a hasty retreat while invoking St Dogbert, patron saint of technology.
Analysts mused that Gordon might have discovered a means of creating software without actually having to write code. However, Kahuna dismissed the notion saying that Gordon was resorting to an unauthorized thovil[4] because he couldn’t code to save his rear end. He added that Gordon would certainly not be able to take over the planet using Java, although he might slow it down considerably. The arch-kattadiya was not available for comment.
KNN will provide live updates of this highly explosive story.
[1] Demon priest.
[2] A powder that deflagrates rapidly when thrown into a naked flame.
[3] The original author of this hilarious piece of work is unknown. However, it did inspire Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101).
[4] Devil dance.
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