More Manhattan Fireworks on Request

FireBloom II (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations fireworks display on a Hudson river ferry.

Captured at 2104 hours on 4^th July 2006 with a Sony DSC-H1 in landscape mode, 8s shutter, an aperture of f 8.0 and a considerable amount of hand movement :p.

Manhattan Fireworks on Request

FireBloom (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations fireworks display on a Hudson river ferry.

A Manhattan Night

Manhattan (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY STATE PARK, New Jersey - 4^th of July celebrations as witnessed by us clowns while awaiting the fireworks display on the New Jersey end of the Hudson river.

Kahuna Reinstates Pluto, Threatens to Boot IAU

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna unilaterally restored Pluto to full planetary status calling the International Astronomical Union (IAU) a bunch of buffoons in the pay of volumetric ornithologist Ebenezer Gordon.

Kahuna said that if Pluto had not completely cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, then Neptune most certainly had not done so either. He, therefore, argued that Neptune should also have been revoked of planetary status along with the Earth, Mars and Jupiter. Kahuna also argued that while the barycenter of the Pluto system was clearly outside Pluto, it was much closer to Pluto than to its largest moon Charon. Kahuna, therefore, declined to elevate Charon to planetary status.

He added that if the IAU does not get its act together soon, it would find itself booted out of the solar system. Kahuna admitted that his unilateral action may cause property values to rise on Pluto, but vehemently declared that Gordon would not be allowed to profit from his dark deeds.

The interplanetary real estate baron was unavailable for comment.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 26

I will arrange an accident involving a badly tuned French horn.

- Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be attending a Garfunkel concert.

Holding the array at gunpoint might help.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on how to insert a value into an array using JavaScript.

Scampering raccoon, hissing polecat.

- Gordon, attempting to one-up Kahuna.

I will move my bishop to Alpharetta by way of blatant provocation.

- Kahuna, proposing a controversial move.

I suggest you find your queen first.

- Gordon, countering with the marital defence.

This would indicate the operation of wolves; either that or your collies are idling.

- Kahuna, learning that the sheepcount of Darth Teddy’s flock was dynamic.

Isn't that my lamp?

- Darth Teddy, attempting to set the genie bit with other people’s lamps.

I feel like humping something.

- Darth Teddy, providing an unsolicited status report.

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck up, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- The Monster, graphically illustrating America’s fascination with the F-word.

You will censor the F-word BTBOTP.

- Gordon to Kahuna, renouncing the First Amendment.

And at this rate, we'll have to setup a new government department to keep track of your baggage: the Federal Baggage Administration.

- Kahuna, pondering a legislative solution to the Gordon baggage crisis.

I believe my anaconda is being falsely portrayed.

- Darth Teddy, expressing concerns about UQ25.

No, I’m just hot.

- Darth Teddy, denying Kahuna’s accusations of being in heat.

You're going around declaring you're hot as if you expect the rest of us to drop down and fellate you.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

The selected few usually do.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defence.

You’re fishing for slander-worthy statements aren’t you?

- Gordon, accusing Kahuna of entrapment.

Please refrain from posting vulgar content in the blog.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s portrayal of Leucanthemum vulgare.

You mean it's an area not currently serviced by your anaconda?

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, querying the status of London.

I think you need a longer anaconda.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing a long distance service.

No, no, we are very happy with our reptile.

- Darth Teddy, dismissing Kahuna’s long distance proposals.

How would I know? There’s no place to look up clown names.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being taken to task for querying the identity of the Monster.

I have conclusively established that drinking doesn't cure sore throat.

- Vandoofus, reporting failure in his quest for a pharyngitis cure after extensive personal research.

I can safely say bratwurst also does not cure sore throat.

- Vandoofus, continuing to defy established medical evidence and common sense.

I tried a few light beers last night; didn't work either.

- Vandoofus, announcing the end of a short-lived partnership with Anheuser-Busch.

You can see me on Google Earth if I am sunbathing with an erection.

- Vandoofus, raising a contentious point.

Everybody wants me.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his credentials.

Gordon Orchestrates Pluto Grab

MUMBAI, India -- In news breaking from the subcontinent, Kahuna accused crackpot inventor Professor Gordon of being the criminal mastermind behind the Pluto debacle.

Kahuna blamed Gordon’s incessant lobbying and strong-arm tactics prior to the International Astronomical Union meeting yesterday as the direct cause of Pluto being stripped of planetary status. Elaborating further, He added that Gordon’s motive was to drive down property values on Pluto and grab the former planet for his own nefarious use. He added that Gordon was “mopping up the highlands of Pluto” as He spoke.

Reacting shortly afterwards, a livid Gordon dismissed the allegations categorically saying that it was “the most outrageous story I have heard in my entire life.”

KNN will provide live coverage of this developing story.

Posing Peacock

Posing Peacock (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- An Indian peacock (Pavo cristatus) poses for the camera from the undergrowth of the Yala.

Captured on 12^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode (ISO 400, 1/250^th second shutter and aperture of F/5). Posted image digitally zoomed by 34%. 

Deer Crossing

Deer Crossing (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- Two Sri Lanka spotted deer (axis axis ceylonensis) nervously cross a road in the Yala.

Captured on 13^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode (ISO 400, 1/800th second shutter and aperture of F/5.6). 

Leopard Crossing

Leopard Crossing (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lanka leopard (panthera pardus kotiya) crosses the road in Yala, seemingly unconcerned with the barrage of Canon lenses aimed at it from our vehicle.

Captured on 12^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) in sports mode (ISO 400, 1/800^th second shutter and aperture of F/5). Unfortunately, there was no time to zoom in closer and the subject was shot at 80mm zoom. The image posted is a crop of the original at about 100% digital zoom.

First Light

First Light (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- Fiery rays of light leap into the dark sky a few moments after sunrise at Yala.

Captured at 0602 hours on 14^th August 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) in landscape mode, 1/100^th second shutter and an aperture of f/6.3.

Feeding Patterns of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Somewhere in the UN -- Kahuna's recent obsession of large reptiles have aroused a direct interest from parties associated to these same amphibians in such a way that it was only thought fit to contribute to the obsession with some factual information. Augustus the anaconda has been under the spotlight of late in regard to his feeding patterns up to a point that Kahuna (Big) is rumoured to demand a weekly status update of its prey intake. Also, for the record the spotlight that Augustus has been under has a direct undeniable link to Kahuna (Big), hands wavering with age as the case might be. We feel for the clown, no we don't feel the clown, we feel FOR the clown.

Moving on to more enticing topics we travel back a few weeks to a fairly formal gathering in a area resembling a forest to bid adieu to a fairly significant member of a very bureaucratic pack of carnivorous wildlife. Considering the nature of Augustus's network of influential connections it was in little doubt that he too was a distinguished invitee. It might be worthwhile to note that Augustus due to a self enforced drought the previous month or so was definitely on the prowl. This can be confirmed by Kahuna (Big)'s well thought out interpretation of "Prowling Bear, Hidden Anaconda". For more information on this little sizzler please contact Kahuna on www.thatanacondaitellyou.co.uk. So, to continue, upon mingling with the distinguished guests and dodging an array of mud slinging towards Augustus brought on by his non-monochrome reputation Augustus was suddenly introduced to a little venison, lets call her Bambi. Augustus was his usual observant self, slowly sizing up this creature, assessing if it was prey material and when in fact this fact could be established. We mustn’t forget that Augustus was on the prowl therefore the default status would naturally be, "to prey or not to prey, this is always the question".

Augustus was then detained due to unforeseen animals requiring much sought after attention from the friendly reptile. However as fate may have it Bambi had an overeager companion that was adamant that Bambi get worked ... I mean get some work. Of course, ever helpful as he is Augustus offered to try and get Bambi worked, an invitation that was accepted with open arms by the overeager companion, lets call her Flaky. Therefore Flaky was bubbly, Bambi was happy and Augustus was in shock.

Augustus then left the gathering due to its increasing levels of boredom and went on the prowl again tasting immediate success in undisclosed locations. Upon calling it a night the ravishing reptile was peacefully heading home when lo and behold he receives a holler from Bambi, a prospect he thought had disappeared along with the night. Sensors back to full throttle Augustus worked his magic and according to popular belief and naturally accepted conclusions Bambi got snagged a couple of hours later.

3 weeks later ...

The feisty little venison that was looking for work definitely had a her wish come true in terms of ... indeed she did get worked ... and I believe this is an ongoing saga that both Bambi and Augustus are quite happy with ... For details on the level of commitment in regards to work the fact is that ... I apologise ... I was just informed that I cannot go into detail on the commitment as there might be a litter of lion cubs that use this space for educational purposes.

This was a small excerpt on the feeding patterns of Augustus which in time has known to turn into a feeding frenzy ... For further information please refer to the website mentioned above or inquire from Kahuna in person. We thank you for tuning in and until next time ... *burp* ...

Ox-Eye Daisy

Ox-Eye Daisy (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

NUWARA ELIYA, Sri Lanka -- A suspected member of the Asteraceae family, possibly an ox-eye daisy (Leucanthemum vulgare) in bloom in the garden of Summerhill.

Captured on 30^th July 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) in macro mode, 1/500^th of a second shutter and an aperture of f/5.6.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 25

So do you take notes when people talk?

- Vandoofus, demanding to know Kahuna’s modus operandi in publishing Unquotable Quotes.

I have returned, along with my baggage for a change.

- Gordon, arriving in Atlanta with his backup baggage.

I called a highly complex automated inquiry system which kept me occupied for about ten minutes and then told me they didn’t know where my bags were; fully automated of course.

- Gordon, declaring the loss of his primary baggage for a second time.

Next time I fly, I will insist I go in the baggage hold with my bags. It's probably more comfortable that way too.

- Gordon, proposing to keep tabs on his baggage personally.

What the fuck do you need extra magnesium for? Do you want to fart flares?

- Gordon, exploding on hearing Kahuna’s plan to boost His magnesium intake.

Next time I fly, I am sending my bags via FedEx.

- Gordon, realising the only way to get his baggage to destination without a roundtrip through Addis Ababa.

Maybe you should ask Delta to setup the Bungled Baggage Fund and make an initial contribution.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon on the disposal of his backup underwear.

The ‘delta’ seems to be between the baggage you own and the baggage you have in hand.

- Gordon, concluding the hideous truth about Delta Airlines.

However, Darth Ching is officially hen pecked. He is afraid of his wife.

- Darth Teddy, implicating Darth Ching in a petticoat government.

Only cause he was drooling.

- Vandoofus, defending his attempts to fix Darth Teddy a date.

The story is you asked for custom plates 'KAHUNA' and got 'HUKANA'.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, unveiling his hypothesis.

You asked for it with that posting. That was outright provocation.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the blasphemous Vandoofus Hypothesis.

No thanks; I've already been contacted by about five Nigerians and two South Africans.

- Gordon, declining Kahuna’s offer of 0% ROI.

Common sense is not a common attribute is it?

- Darth Teddy, experiencing an uncommonly short supply.

You will sacrifice it at a makeshift alter constructed from wastepaper baskets.

- Kahuna, instructing Darth Teddy in the black art of project manager management.

You mean it’s a multiple-mutt environment?

- Kahuna, accusing Darth Teddy of practicing polymuttism with his sheep.

This guy has the attention span of a fruit fly.

- Darth Teddy, in sheep trouble.

I think I need a whip.

- Darth Teddy, proposing to get kinky with his sheep.

Revealed? Like one Pamela you mean?

- Gordon, attempting to establish a new unit of measure for exposure.

Special effects included whooshing noises every time that idiot turns its head. I am now emulating these special effects in everyday life causing annoyance.

- Gordon, on his practice of the Ramanayaka Effect after viewing One Shot.

Whoosh()

- Gordon, demonstrating the Ramanayaka Effect.

I’ll have you scattered.

- Kahuna, threatening to deal with Gordon using the Raman Effect.

Like that helps me to have sex with her.

- Vandoofus, discovering his intended lay was a family friend.

You're liable to be blown away in a moderate crosswind.

- Kahuna, learning of the Regulator’s intent to go snowboarding.

This time I won’t call. You'll just find me on your doorstep.

- The Regulator, threatening Kahuna with door-to-door service.

I just confirmed my suspicions: I cannot play badminton.

- Darth Teddy, arriving at an empirical conclusion.

I didn't want to say anything before, but I think you should stick to humping.

- Kahuna, advising Darth Teddy to drop badminton.

Nonsense, I now have lips and tongues at my service.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to take matters into his own hands.

The Way of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from the tropics, it has been established beyond reasonable doubt that Darth Teddy is on the prowl:

Kahuna      : Good morning. Whip()
Darth Teddy : Why hello.
Kahuna      : *Gasp* You have awoken before the sun
              reaches zenith!
Darth Teddy : Yeah that.
Kahuna      : Would you like a dictionary?
Darth Teddy : I got my own thanks.  Always handy when
              you are in the vicinity.
Kahuna      : As are chastity belts when you are in
              the vicinity :-P
Darth Teddy : Obviously this is not the case
              considering my conquests.
Kahuna      : There are always those who don't listen
              to good advice.
Darth Teddy : This covers 99% of the population.
Kahuna      : Are you saying you did 99% of the
              population? X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no.  I am saying that many don't heed
              good advice.  In any form.
Kahuna      : A mongoose should sort you out.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense.  This is an anaconda not a
              cobra.  I will have the mongoose and
              his family for dessert.
Kahuna      : Might as well since your anaconda has
              not been fed for a while.
Darth Teddy : *FUME*
Kahuna      : *Grin* Bangkok?
Darth Teddy : Shouldn't we all :-L
Kahuna      : LOL. In your case, for the safety of
              others :-P
Darth Teddy : A fairly valid reason.
Kahuna      : Indeed. You're quite a handful even
              when you're not horny X-(
Darth Teddy : I try.
Kahuna      : I know X-(

Darth Teddy provided the anaconda used in this production.