The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 7 - The Way of the Sheep

KINGTON, Herefordshire -- A few days ago, mysterious goings-on were reported from this quiet market town near the Welsh border. According to eyewitness accounts about a hundred sheep were seen forming an almost-perfect circle in a roadside field, causing great astonishment among the local populace.

While crop circles seem to be more commonplace, this would appear to be the first reported occurrence of a sheep circle. Very little is known about this bizarre phenomenon, leading Kahuna to suspect that dark powers were at play. This naturally led to a confrontation with Darth Teddy, who is coincidentally located a little over a hundred and thirty miles away in Watford.

Kahuna      : Did you have anything to do with this?
Darth Teddy : Er no, crop circles are Gordon's 
              department.
Kahuna      : That was my initial suspicion as well 
              but, the sheep led me in your 
              direction.
Darth Teddy : Er, I believe you are the one that is 
              dodgy with sheep, so I think this is 
              all your doing.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you are the one who mistook 
              one for a dog.
Darth Teddy : You are well known for getting sheep 
              in trouble.
Kahuna      : That sheep in question was not burying
              a bone.
Darth Teddy : In conclusion, I believe you are 
              responsible for leading these sheep 
              astray, or in a circle as the case may
              be.
Kahuna      : And you were attempting to accuse an 
              innocent sheep of falsifying the 
              fossil record.
Darth Teddy : Irrelevant; your sympathy towards said
              sheep prove further that you are 
              leading them astray.
Kahuna      : That's hogwash and you know it.  
              Bernisdale was just the beginning; I
              should have paid more attention to the
              signs.  You are clearly the Sheep
              Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : Ha! A weak attempt to hide from the
              truth.  Your attempts to lead sheep to
              the dark side are well known. This
              time the farmer's tractor just got
              there in time I believe.
Kahuna      : A likely story! Was the collie in on
              this as well?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, do you have control over
              them too?
Kahuna      : I had nothing to do with this X-(
              You're attempting to subvert this
              conversation to cover your tracks.
Darth Teddy : Denial, the first sign of a guilty
              conscience.
Kahuna      : No doubt you offered the collie a bone
              in exchange for its involvement.
Darth Teddy : Tut, tut, I believe the collie was put
              under a spell by you before all this.
Kahuna      : Spell? Are you accusing me of teaching
              it a foreign language?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, did you?
Kahuna      : Certainly not. It all fits into place
              now. You've been blackmailing collies
              to round up sheep in circles.
Darth Teddy : Anyway, enough of this sheep talk.
Kahuna      : You can't speak fluent sheep anyway
              X-(
Darth Teddy : And thus the final piece of the puzzle
              as to who manipulated the sheep.
Kahuna      : Indeed, the Dog Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : [SIGH] Make up your mind.
Kahuna      : You were attempting to mislead us all.
              Since you couldn't influence the
              sheep, you got to the collie X-(
Darth Teddy : Yeah, yeah; your details have been
              passed on to the FBI.

Readers familiar with the adventures of Kahuna and Darth Teddy will recall a previous altercation involving sheep in the cat-infested desolation of Bernisdale on the Isle of Skye. At the time, Kahuna—who speaks fluent sheep—sparked controversy when He attempted to communicate with the some of the incumbent creatures. Tensions were raised further with Darth Teddy claiming to see a sheep burying some manner of ossicular trophy. The matter has not been satisfactorily resolved to this day and continues to be a bone of contention.

The anaconda keeper's motive behind the sheep circle remains a mystery, but is suspected to be nefarious. Kahuna vowed to get to the bottom of the matter and indicated that He will interview the sheep involved during the next few days. It was not immediately clear if He would be yapping with the collie as well.

No sheep were harmed during this production, although the collie did give them the eye several times. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 4 - The Way of the Wolf

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Today we disclose a recent conversation between Kahuna and Darth Teddy. The Anaconda Keeper's reluctance to engage in lupine behavior has been deemed to be most puzzling:

Kahuna      : We could sit around and bay at the
              moon.
Darth Teddy : Eh?
Kahuna      : It's a full moon.
Darth Teddy : Er, yes.
Kahuna      : It's traditional to hold a wolf
              congress[1].
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : Clearly, you don't speak fluent
              wolf X-(
Darth Teddy : Clearly.
Kahuna      : Indeed, I recall you didn't even
              speak sheep[2] X-(

No wolves or sheep were harmed during this production. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

^[1] Although, howling wolves are frequently associated with the full moon, there is little evidence to suggest direct correlation. Further information is available on the Wikipedia and Wolf Song of Alaska.

^[2] A reference to the controversial Bernisdale Fiasco.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 25

So do you take notes when people talk?

- Vandoofus, demanding to know Kahuna’s modus operandi in publishing Unquotable Quotes.

I have returned, along with my baggage for a change.

- Gordon, arriving in Atlanta with his backup baggage.

I called a highly complex automated inquiry system which kept me occupied for about ten minutes and then told me they didn’t know where my bags were; fully automated of course.

- Gordon, declaring the loss of his primary baggage for a second time.

Next time I fly, I will insist I go in the baggage hold with my bags. It's probably more comfortable that way too.

- Gordon, proposing to keep tabs on his baggage personally.

What the fuck do you need extra magnesium for? Do you want to fart flares?

- Gordon, exploding on hearing Kahuna’s plan to boost His magnesium intake.

Next time I fly, I am sending my bags via FedEx.

- Gordon, realising the only way to get his baggage to destination without a roundtrip through Addis Ababa.

Maybe you should ask Delta to setup the Bungled Baggage Fund and make an initial contribution.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon on the disposal of his backup underwear.

The ‘delta’ seems to be between the baggage you own and the baggage you have in hand.

- Gordon, concluding the hideous truth about Delta Airlines.

However, Darth Ching is officially hen pecked. He is afraid of his wife.

- Darth Teddy, implicating Darth Ching in a petticoat government.

Only cause he was drooling.

- Vandoofus, defending his attempts to fix Darth Teddy a date.

The story is you asked for custom plates 'KAHUNA' and got 'HUKANA'.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, unveiling his hypothesis.

You asked for it with that posting. That was outright provocation.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the blasphemous Vandoofus Hypothesis.

No thanks; I've already been contacted by about five Nigerians and two South Africans.

- Gordon, declining Kahuna’s offer of 0% ROI.

Common sense is not a common attribute is it?

- Darth Teddy, experiencing an uncommonly short supply.

You will sacrifice it at a makeshift alter constructed from wastepaper baskets.

- Kahuna, instructing Darth Teddy in the black art of project manager management.

You mean it’s a multiple-mutt environment?

- Kahuna, accusing Darth Teddy of practicing polymuttism with his sheep.

This guy has the attention span of a fruit fly.

- Darth Teddy, in sheep trouble.

I think I need a whip.

- Darth Teddy, proposing to get kinky with his sheep.

Revealed? Like one Pamela you mean?

- Gordon, attempting to establish a new unit of measure for exposure.

Special effects included whooshing noises every time that idiot turns its head. I am now emulating these special effects in everyday life causing annoyance.

- Gordon, on his practice of the Ramanayaka Effect after viewing One Shot.

Whoosh()

- Gordon, demonstrating the Ramanayaka Effect.

I’ll have you scattered.

- Kahuna, threatening to deal with Gordon using the Raman Effect.

Like that helps me to have sex with her.

- Vandoofus, discovering his intended lay was a family friend.

You're liable to be blown away in a moderate crosswind.

- Kahuna, learning of the Regulator’s intent to go snowboarding.

This time I won’t call. You'll just find me on your doorstep.

- The Regulator, threatening Kahuna with door-to-door service.

I just confirmed my suspicions: I cannot play badminton.

- Darth Teddy, arriving at an empirical conclusion.

I didn't want to say anything before, but I think you should stick to humping.

- Kahuna, advising Darth Teddy to drop badminton.

Nonsense, I now have lips and tongues at my service.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to take matters into his own hands.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 24

Ah, I haven’t made a cake in years. Not since when I was in Sri Lanka. I made a cake for [the Confucius’s], but unfortunately it came out harder than rock.

- The Regulator, recollecting her early dabbling in culinary petrology.

Did you include Portland cement as a binding agent?

- Kahuna, launching an investigation into the Regulator’s cake mix.

It could have easily been used to globber someone – someone like you.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, proposing alternative use of her rock cake.

Clearly you were unable to follow a short recipe.

- Kahuna, taking the Regulator to task for bungling a cake recipe.

The best parts of learning are the stains.

- Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

I control the bananas in this republic.

- The Regulator, establishing her substantial credentials.

I'm off to a meeting – and to make more enemies.

- The Regulator, on what she does well.

It’s criminal to start a meeting at 0815.

- The Regulator, on the legitimacy of untimely assembly.

Plus there are people here who'll be happy to kill me, mostly the operators.

- The Regulator, justifying her reasons to have a short vacation.

My hand still hurts.

- Vandoofus, reporting a suspicious repetitive strain injury.

No, my balls are not ready to be pawned yet.

- Darth Teddy, declining to dine with Kahuna at the Hilton.

Mothers get along with me.

- Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

- Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

Can you help me find the Great Wall?

- Vandoofus, lost in China while Google sightseeing.

You might see some ice cream vans parked near the beach.

- The Regulator, announcing her banana republic’s response to B-52s parked at Diego Garcia.

Banana ice cream which almost tastes like Chunky Monkey^® is a definite threat.

- The Regulator, disclosing the threat level of her ice cream vans to Kahuna.

A Vermonster will settle your hash.

- Kahuna, proposing to deal with the Regulator using twenty scoops of ice cream, ten scoops of chopped walnuts, four ladles of hot fudge, four bananas, three cookies, two scoops each of four toppings, a fudge brownie and whipped cream.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

- Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

- Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

- Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

I will maroon you on a lonely planet if you’re not careful.

- Kahuna, charting a rough guide to Darth Teddy’s future.

If it ain’t in Wikipedia it didn't happen.

- Vandoofus, disputing Kahuna’s interpretation of Custer’s Last Stand as being when Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer tried to stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

How do I fix my cabinet file?

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, having bungled an installation of MSN Messenger.

You must hold a cabinet meeting.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, having pored over to the Book of Apocryphal Solutions.

I’m now a lead [sheep]^[1] with subordinates.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his flock.

Are you suggesting you are some form of wide-area border collie^[2]?

- Kahuna, giving Darth Teddy the benefit of the doubt regarding his herding instinct.

Not to mention a case of prowling bear, hidden anaconda.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

I think it’s a personal best.

- Vandoofus, on sleeping in from 8pm to 8am.

Yeah, he was completely baffled.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on the outcome of her anonymous nuisance call to Darth Teddy.

Yes later I did, while he was vehemently denying that he booked a seat to fly out of Colombo I had to laugh.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on being asked if she revealed her identity to Darth Teddy.

^[1] Darth Teddy made a sheep sound (in a Bernisdale dialect) at this juncture.

^[2] As an interesting aside, the Wikepedia has this to say: Border Collies are extremely energetic and require a lot of attention. They are better off in a household that can provide them with plenty of exercise and a job to do. Like most herding breeds, they will attempt to herd family members, cats, squirrels, bicycles, cars, or anything else that moves in the absence of other charges.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 21

*f* has restored diplomatic ties once more.

- Kahuna, using a regular expression to represent Libyan Leader Muammar al-Gaddafi due to excessive English transliterations of the latter’s name being available.

You realize I'm the only clown on the planet that would understand that statement?

- Gordon, correctly evaluating Kahuna’s regular expression.

He should just go as a symbol like that idiot formerly known as Prince.

- Gordon, proposing to set up a symbol table for the Libyan Leader.

I just calculated that the 'f' seems to be the only usable constant.

- Kahuna, reporting his conclusions after exhaustive research on transliterating the Libyan Leader’s name.

They've probably found oil there.

- Gordon, suggesting crude reasons behind the thawing of relations with Tripoli.

You're speaking fluent sheep now.

- Kahuna, complimenting Gordon on his command of the language.

Your personal magnetism is getting you down now. Would you like to be degaussed?

- Kahuna to Gordon, offering an attractive solution to the latter being inundated by offshore clowns.

Well I don't want you declining and falling about.

- Kahuna, refusing to serve strong alcoholic beverages to Darth Teddy.

I don't decline and fall about. I gracefully collapse.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I am as gentle as a honey roasted lamb shank.

- Darth Teddy, on being accused by Kahuna of being boisterous.

I would have both if it were up to me.

- Darth Teddy, opting for both the cheesecake and bananas with rum.

I washed all my pants, so I can't go anywhere.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of general undress.

Are you are going to buy me weed?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna would be settling his hash.

I am an innocent little flower that you are trying to take advantage of. All I can do is call out and hope some kind soul hears me.

- Darth Teddy, engaging in a politically motivated harangue against Kahuna.

I just like dangling a carrot in front of your nose from a safe distance.

- Darth Teddy, declaring certified wuss status in the presence of Kahuna.

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

- Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

Something this decadent might be illegal.

- Darth Teddy, raising a point of law regarding Kahuna’s cheesecake.

However, it was quite hilarious watching you try to evade him.

- Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's efforts at avoiding being groped by Timmy the Ambidextrous.

You’re entertaining bears in the dead of night.

- Gordon, discovering Darth Teddy sampling culinary delights at Kahuna’s abode.

Welcome to Google Mars.

- Kahuna, predicting the inevitable.

You recall one Michael Knight had a button like this some years ago.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on the M Dynamic mode button to instantly boost engine output from 400 to 500 hp, in the 2006 BMW M5.

You will schedule air raids for each of the alliance member offices.

- Gordon to Kahuna, categorically refusing to ratify the 3.9 terabyte Holographic Versatile Disk (HVD) standard.

Including the Nippon Paint Company?

- Kahuna, clarifying the scope of air raids against the HVD Alliance.

I wonder if the NSA is monitoring this.

- Kahuna, musing on the secrecy of his conversations with Gordon.

Where is my pizza?

- Her Royal Highness, demanding Kahuna’s culinary creations in Sydney.

What do you call that thingy with the data layer, presentation layer and so on?

- Darth Teddy, on the OSI Reference Model, two degrees later.

Unfortunately things can’t have improved that much since you are obviously alive.

- Ching the Merciless, taking a dim view of Kahuna’s continued presence.

If you plan to have me hugged to death by a girl that’s okay.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s plan on having him hugged by Darth Teddy.

He was born to stand there and look pretty. And he does it well.

- Darth Teddy, on Her Royal Highness’s edible sibling.

Have you heard of bookmarks?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, providing the Circus URL yet again.

That requires two clicks.

- The Regulator, defending her reasons for shunning bookmarks.

I want to know whether you killed him or not with your so-called culinary delights.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, issuing a habeas corpus writ to produce Darth Teddy.

Obviously the food has dulled his senses.

- The Regulator, on Darth Teddy.

You actually own an EOS 30D?

- The Regulator, expressing concern regarding Kahuna’s latest acquisition.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 7

What are you referring to now, you infernal insomniac?

- Darth Ching, responding to an interrupt issued by Kahuna.

Judging by your alcohol-blood ratio, I believe you're quite close to an ethanol-based life form.

- Kahuna, raising a highly flammable point with Darth Ching.

It ain’t over till the Fat Man signs.

- Kahuna, making cryptic references to Professor Gordon’s refusal to scrawl on the dotted line.

Baaaaa!

- Darth Kahuna, issuing a greeting in their native tongue, to a group of sheep found in the yard of a house in Bernisdale, on the Isle of Skye.

Baaa! Baaaaaaa?

- The sheep, politely reciprocating and enquiring where Kahuna learned to speak the language so fluently.

I tell you it was burying a bone!

- Darth Teddy, insisting that a sheep encountered in Bernisdale was exhibiting patently canine behavior.

I am a senior senior java architect, I don’t know this trivial stuff.

- St Vandoofus in his own defense, on being unable to add two columns correctly in Microsoft Excel.

Drawing one's lightsaber while commenting, "I find your lack of faith in the technical architecture disturbing” has its plus points.

- Darth Kahuna, mulling over the use of a lightsaber to settle disputes during a design meeting.

I have moved up in the Empire.

- Professor Gordon, on being kicked upstairs to the 15^th floor.

Has your net pay increased with altitude?

- Darth Kahuna to Professor Gordon, attempting to establish direct correlation before offering the latter a highly paid assignment in low Earth orbit.

Teddy Denies Allegations and Sheds More Light

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- Curious as to the reactions of DT after these ludicrous allegations by Kahunna (Darth) one of our star reporters at BNN, S. D. Dog has gone to great lengths to catch up with DT (mostly because the distance was a straight line). Through Teddy's responses to our obvious questions such as "What is your view on these rubbish accusations made by Kahuna (Darth)?" we learned that it was indeed Kahuna (Darth) that initiated connections with one dubious character called Inter Net and begged DT to make the so called reservations without having the IQ to primarily find out where the location was (eg: Left, Right or the Middle of Nowhere).

It must clearly be noted that all bookings undertaken when Kahuna (Darth) was not in receptive mood were made to perfection by DT with no complications whatsoever. Kahuna's non-receptive moods can also be defined as "Hossa Langin Massa Yanna Baa" which in laymans refers to ones chin and a common house fly. This behaviour we at BNN have defined as Class DC which means DamnChildish.

Speaking of "Baa", peaceful residents at Bernisdale (no, not the cats) also had a terrible shock when they happened to open their front door and saw a strange individual , namely Kahuna (Darth), trying to communicate with their pet sheep. This was indeed disturbing as an eyewitness said that it seemed like Kahuna (Darth) was attempting to coax one of the pet sheep to hand over its bone that it was burying in the back garden for use later on. It must be said that these reports are far from unconfirmed.

This is all DT was willing to share with us today and I believe we should thank him for clearing out the bogosities put forward by Kahuna (Darth). Thats it from me S. D. Dog and I will be back soon with more startling reports of the Caledonian Whatumaycallit. I wish you a not too baaaaaa ...d day.

And now for the weather with Ms. F. T. Cat ...

Kahuna Accuses Darth Teddy of Bernisdale Fiasco

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- While there appears to have been a minor lexical anomaly in His previous post due to a keyboard malfunction, Kahuna would like to remind the Bear that the Bear, the whole Bear and nothing but the Bear is solely responsible for the Bernisdale^[1] fiasco.

Who, might we ask, booked us into the treacherous, cat-infested lair of Dorothy? It must also be pointed out that the Bear was far from apologetic when confronted by the huge sheep-sized cats in person.

More on this sordid topic will be exposed later.

^[1] Located on the Isle of Skye, about ten miles from Portree—essentially, in the middle of nowhere. Unremarkably, the name appears to be Old Norse for Bjorn’s Dale. Who Bjorn was and why in particular he occupied an entire dale is not known.

KAHUNA'S RETREAT, Tahiti -- Yes, according to empirical evidence, bestiality is not consensual. In fact, the sheep were seen chasing Vandoofus all over the field and a Wide Area Border Collie had to be brought in to restore order. Justice Scalia can rest assured that Vandoofus did not consent. Now that we've got to the bottom of this sordid matter, we hope it can be laid to rest.