A Conspiracy of Cockerels or the Way of the Rooster

Editor's Note: Readers are cautioned that this post contains large lexemes.  Those with corollary disease should consult their lawyers prior to further ingress such that a regrettable lexical calamity might be avoided.

ROOSTERVILLE, Sri Lanka -- KNN has been called in to investigate mysterious happenings in the Colombo metropolis during the past few months.  Residents of Wellawatte report of being unceremoniously roused in the dead of the night by the incessant crowing of roosters (Gallus gallus domesticus), albeit temporally challenged ones.  Under the quiescent cover of darkness, the cacophonous overtures are said to burst forth suddenly, like sporadic gunfire, shattering the tranquil slumber of the populace.  All accounts suggest that more than one deranged bird is involved in this dastardly scheme to subvert the enumeration of sheep.

Kahuna and the Genie set up camp in the aggrieved neighborhood a few weeks ago to study this strange phenomenon firsthand.  After several overnight vigils, they confirmed that a league of infernal roosters was indeed crowing raucously in the wee hours, long before any vestiges of astronomical twilight and as early as a quarter past eleven in the night.  The sun, they concluded, had no part to play in this ostrobogulous melodrama.

Citing contemporary research^[1], Kahuna noted that whilst most sensible roosters crow at dawn or in the morning hours, less balanced fowl could potentially crow at any hour of the day, particularly when agitated.  Roosters, being territorial animals, also crow in response to a rival's call.  An in-depth study by Leonard and Horn^[2] found that dominant roosters are more vocal, crowing more often and at a higher frequencies.  Dominant roosters also respond more vocally to rivals than subordinate roosters.  The study concludes that crowing is a means establishing the pecking order among roosters. Kahuna speculated that if sufficient dominant roosters are collocated carelessly, a broadcast storm could manifest.  This, He theorized, would sound similar to the vile fugue wafting through the night air in Colombo.

Continuing his diatribe, Kahuna said the historical record is replete with accounts of discombobulated roosters.  He noted one such case of a befuddled bird in The Mansions of the Gods^[3], from the chronicles of Asterix, by the sublime Goscinny and Uderzo.  In this narrative, in or around 50 B.C., the village rooster—later identified as Chanticleerix^[4]—is agitated by a Roman-lead uprooting of trees in the adjacent forest and awakens the whole village by crowing in the middle of the night.  The regrettable events thus set in motion prove to be the undoing of the glorious general's^[5] latest plan to conquer all (yes, all) of Gaul.

Back in the present time, Kahuna said that He suspects a hidden hand orchestrating the rooster inharmonic of Colombo.  Arguing that recent events had sinister overtones not readily explained by the laws of chance, He mused that the errant birds may be in the pay of that shadowy genius, volumetric ornithologist, Professor Ebenezer Gordon. According to Kahuna, Gordon has mastered fowl language and is able to communicate with the feather-brained.  The precision aerial baguette strike on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN and the recent airdrop of a deer fawn on a Montana power line by a renegade bald eagle are believed to have been executed at the behest of the arch-zoologist.

Much to Kahuna's disappointment, evidence incriminating Gordon failed to materialize during inquiries.  He finally commissioned a cloud^[6] of bats to locate the offending roosters, presumably by means of echo-location.  This admittedly batty strategy laid bare the complex but organized nature of the rooster cabal.  The cockerels were found to be widely distributed across the neighborhood in a multichannel surround sound configuration.  The contingent of roosters comprising the low-frequency effects channel was discovered to be deviously installed on hallowed ground, at an ancient temple with an impeccant name.  From this blessed perch, the infernal creatures would harass the neighborhood not only with discordant impunity, but also veritable diplomatic immunity. Astoundingly, the focus of this multichannel rooster audio network was found to be a dwelling occupied by none other than that proponent of Haddockism and Taschist ideology, the Admiral.  Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles, indeed. In ten thousand thundering typhoons, no less.

When confronted with the evidence, the Admiral readily admitted being the potentate governing the Rooster Empire with its declared purpose of outsourcing rooster crowing for the entire planet.  KNN learned that the service is delivered at dawn in customer timezones using high-fidelity audio streamed over the Internet from Rooster Central. The Rooster Keeper scoffed at concerns of a breach of the peace in Wellawatte arguing that, "it's happy hour somewhere in the world."

In an exclusive interview with KNN, Kahuna said that the evidence falls into place and hazarded a sinister motive behind the Admiral's penchant for driving past the temple in question at every available opportunity, despite shorter routes between point A and point B.  He concluded that this was nothing but a ruse to furtively twiddle the low-frequency effects channel infested by particularly rebellious roosters.  Adding insult to injury, Kahuna further alleged that Rooster Central is left on autopilot with the Admiral residing in a quiet neighborhood far away from the clangorous monstrosity she created in Wellawatte.   It was only a matter of time, He prophesied, before the highly rattled population of Wellawatte takes matters into their own hands.  In a seemingly unrelated development, the torch and pitchfork futures market surged in after-hours trading shortly after Kahuna's interview aired on KNN.

On that uneasy note, we conclude the Way of the Rooster.  Tune in next time, when Professor Gordon talks about his navy of lake monsters in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

[1] Jennifer Nemec. “Secret of the Rooster’s Crow.” GRIT, February 2008.

[2] Leonard, Marty L, and Andrew G Horn. “Crowing in relation to status in roosters.” Animimal Behaviour 49 (1995): 1283-1290.

[3] Goscinny, R, and A Uderzo. The Mansions of the Gods. Translated by Anthea Bell and Derrick Hockridge. Kent: Hodder Dargaud, 1984.

[4] Goscinny, R, and A Uderzo. Asterix and the Class Act. Translated by Anthea Bell and Derrick Hockridge. London: Orion, 2003.

[5] A reference to Gaius Julius Caesar, who preferred the third person when referring to himself, no doubt provoking Marcus Junius Brutus et al., in the process.

[6] The collective noun for bats according to Scorpio Tales.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 43

Is this the time you come home on a school night? Tsk, Tsk.

— Vandoofus, disapproving of Kahuna turning up in the wee hours.

I will do as I please.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

You need to get spanked. Er wait, you might like that.

— Vandoofus, having second thoughts on disciplining Kahuna.

I have stopped spinning.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on regaining control of his vestibular system.

So now you're a non-rotating black hole?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, reaching an extremely dense conclusion.

She had a bow and arrows in the car, what do you expect?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on the Admiral gaining unsanctioned ingress to his building.

I will send Akio Toyoda over to beat you senseless with an accelerator pedal.

— Kahuna to Gordon, seeking speedy dispute resolution.

Sorry, the Bill of Rights does not cover 1080p.

— Kahuna, dismissing Gordon's contention that HDTV was well within his rights.

Thus proving he doesn't require authorization from resident fruit bats to do anything.

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna being bypassed in formulating the household IPTV policy by His Paternal One.

Have you negotiated with your father to not set parental controls on the device?

— Gordon to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

I will compile the unabridged and unedited version of your biography to be presented to your offspring.

— Kahuna to Gordon, retaliating with the threat of releasing sensitive information.

SLT has also provided catnip for the household feline.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting value-added services for cats bundled with IPTV.

Mama baya ne!

— Diya Rakusa, defying Kahuna's threat of disclosing his decidedly colorful past.

And you expect all of us to come pick you up at the airport?

— Kahuna, outraged at Vandoofus demanding an entourage on arrival from the orient.

Not a wise course of action on the Ides of March, methinks.

— Kahuna, issuing a veiled threat on receipt of a general insult from Gordon.

Why is he the Genie?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, questioning the Genie Identity.

He likes to be rubbed.

— Kahuna, enlightening Vandoofus on the Way of the Genie.

Oh? Are you Alladin?

— Vandoofus, taking a dim view of Kahuna's role in the Way of the Genie.

That was a sub-optimal blow job.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, concluding that the blowhole (hummanaya) in Kudawala sucked after a decidedly feeble performance.

You can see Niagara Falls for free.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the daylight robbery legislated by the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha in charging admission to view the blowhole.

Not to mention the quasi-bogus visitor center that seems to be modeled after some species of octopus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, critiquing the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha's cephalopod-inspired architecture.

Will you abuse the words 'blow' and 'hole'?

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting high potential for buffoonery presented by current events.

If I get any better I will code myself out of the matrix.

— Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

Maybe your code will work if you get better.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

I see a guy wearing pink slippers; hope he messes with me.

— The Genie to Kahuna, spotting a suitable victim in his continuing quest for needless violence.

I read your messages to my wife.

— Huggles, voicing displeasure at insinuations made about his technical skills in Kahuna's communications with HRH.

Did you know that Yoda's voice and Miss Piggy's voice is the same?

— The Admiral to Kahuna, discovering the dark secrets of Frank Oz.

Bring this up now, do you?

— Kahuna, displeased at the Admiral's inconvenient discoveries.

Of Savage Lemmas and Deadly Corollaries

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Outright buffoonery took place a few days ago when crackpot lexicologist and unconventional orthographer, St Vandoofus redefined parts of the English language and caused chaos across two continents.

It all started with a conversation between the Holy One and Kahuna on the perfectly innocent topic of computer programming, but soon became a quagmire involving the Admiral and the Cheese Justice. The Holy One was holding forth about his coding skills:

Vandoofus (V): I will be coding till I am 80.
Kahuna (K): Do you think you'll be better at it then? :-D
V: If I get any better I will code myself out of the Matrix X-(
K: Maybe your code will work if you get better :-P
V: That's a good quote: If I get any better I will code myself out of the Matrix :-D
K: LOL, and my corollary :-P
V: What's a corollary?
K: Well, it's different from a lemma: [definition of corollary]
V: Why don't you speak English? My lawyer and I spend a lot of time referencing the dictionary trying to figure what the hell you are saying.
K: I just gave you the correct dictionary reference :-P
V: X-(

Peeved at encountering multiple page faults, Vandoofus resorted to a furtive backchannel to summon reinforcements in the form of the Admiral:

Vandoofus (V): The dingbat is not letting me work.
The Admiral (A): What is he doing to you?
V: Using big words.
A: Big words about what?
V: Won't know till I look up the dictionary, and too busy to look up, thus my accusation: he is not letting me work.
A: Shoot him with a big arrow. Now.
V: Could you do it for me? I'm busy.

The ensuing ballistic action lead to a confrontation between the Admiral and Kahuna on another backchannel where the allegedly large lexemes were unmasked and laid bare:

Kahuna (K): The big words were "corollary" and "lemma".
The Admiral (A): Grrr.

At this juncture, the Admiral considered it wise to suspend the siege against Kahuna and declared a ceasefire given the large quantum of work involved in finding a replacement Kahuna. Vandoofus's nomination as Kahuna wannabe was disqualified early:

The Admiral (A): But, you don't use big words X-(
Vandoofus (V): Exactly X-(
A: You're then of no use: you don't have the ability to scare the skin off people at the highest levels.
V: By using big words? I can use other means.
A: No, it has to be big words.
V: I know a couple.
A: You couldn't manage "corollary" and "lemma", what have you got that's better?
V: I thought "corollary" is heart disease and "lemma" is an animal.

It is not everyday that a statement such as this is uttered. And with such gravitas. Indeed, we were fortunate to have been at hand to witness the sublime buffoonery of Vandoofus. Not so fortunate, the editorial staff of the Oxford English Dictionary, whose anguished wailing and gnashing of teeth could be heard as far south as Fat Phil's Angling Centre. The late PG Wodehouse might have gone so far as to say that the Chief Editor, "leaped in his chair with a wordless cry like that of a sleeping cat on whose tail some careless number-eleven shoe has descended." But, we digress. Kahuna was quick to retaliate:

Kahuna (K): I'm going to send a lemma to savage you X-(
Vandoofus (V): It's not that kind of animal: it's a nice pasture-grazing animal.
K: That's a cow, not a lemma X-(
K: "Vandoofus Savaged by Lemma, Dies of Corollary"
V: That sounds right, except a lemma is not a savage animal X-(
K: It doesn't take much to savage you, a squirrel could probably gnaw on your nuts.
V: It should be more like, "Vandoofus was photographing the lemmas grazing the Peruvian grassland on his trip to Peru, when he had a massive corollary."
K: Strunk said, "Omit needless words." Most of your sentence has got to go.
V: X-(

Meanwhile, Vandoofus also filed a complaint against Kahuna with his lawyer, the Cheese Justice. She lost no time in taking Kahuna to task for lexical harassment:

The Cheese Justice (C): You have been accused of using big words against my client!
Kahuna (K): So? "Vandoofus Savaged by Lemma, Dies of Corollary"
C: Grrrrrrr, this is what I mean! This is harassment of my client. I shall forthwith ban you from using such words on him in the future.
K: Your client was grazing the Peruvian grasslands at the time.
C: Oh a cow? Client = cow in Peru?
K: Yes.
C: With hoof and horns?
K: Yes, an ungulate.
C: Gah, there you go again!
K: Now what?
C: Ungulate! Too big! Harrassment! Grrrr.
K: Such grandiloquence X-(
C: I give up! I shall threaten at this point to bring in a witness.
K: Bah, hogwash.
C: [Ear-splitting scream summoning the Admiral]
K: Are you fibrillating now? X-(
C: [THUMP]

A rather violent legal action indeed. On that potentially litigious footnote to this tale of lexical excess, we must sign off.

No lemmas were harmed during this production. However, the safety of St Vandoofus, currently combing his apartment for lemmas, remains dodgy.

Kahuna Ushers in New Era of Buffoonery

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- At an impromptu briefing held a short while ago, Kahuna announced sweeping changes to the Circus, suspiciously coinciding with the Ides of March.  Calling the timing purely circumstantial, He downplayed rumors of resorting to brute force à la Junius Brutus.

Getting down to business, Kahuna proclaimed that the blog had been refreshed with an elegant new template designed by Google's Tina Chen.  This, He said was one of the several designs launched along with the new Blogger Template Designer, currently available for Blogger in Draft.  Kahuna claimed that He was pottering about with the widget template for most of Pi Day, which fell on Sunday, 14^th March.  He added that the fruit of his labors was best viewed in Firefox, suggesting that Internet Explorer was liable to make a hash of things.

Kahuna also took the opportunity to announce that He had acted autonomously and invited three new clowns to join the Circus:  The Cheese Justice, the Admiral and the Genie.  Brief, defamatory biographies follow:

The Cheese Justice: Well versed in the art of tort and litigation, the Cheese Justice enjoys a cultured dairy product or two when not defending her clown client, St Vandoofus.  She is certainly not hesitant to feed him to savage wild animals when he gets out of line, which is most of the time.

The Admiral: With ballistic weapons, cacti and Haddockisms at her disposal, the Admiral effortlessly commandeers entire venues at a moment's notice, leaving the staff quavering in their boots.  She conducts research in ichthyology during her spare time and is determined to make Vandoofus walk the plank into shark-infested waters.

The Genie: When he's not busy dreaming, playing chess or beating the crap out of people for the heck of it, the Genie operates a no-nonsense business model ("rub me and I shall give you wishes according to how good you look").   He is currently waiting for an excuse to pick a fight with Kahuna.

Closing his rambling keynote, Kahuna expressed confidence that the latest contingent of clowns would usher in a new era of buffoonery as never before seen upon this Earth.  On that provocative note, we end this post. 

Let the games begin.

The Turing Misadventures: Part 2 - The Huggles Doughnut Conundrum

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Late last year, a number of clowns gathered for dinner amidst much pandemonium. St Vandoofus, Darth Teddy, Timmy, The Monster and Her Royal Highness were among the assembled contingent. Kahuna was notably absent from the proceedings citing a suspicious and completely unverifiable prior engagement.

Given the already high Clown Factor, the event had rapidly descended into madness when the topic of conversation had been hijacked by known deviant Timmy and taken, kicking and screaming, into a candidly anatomical discussion of Huggles. At least of the more interesting parts of Huggles. While Huggles, blissfully asleep down under was unaware of his rising popularity at the time, Her Royal Highness had not been amused by the topic of conversation and had offered stiff resistance. However, not unsurprisingly, the prurient interest had prevailed and the highly questionable use of doughnuts had been proposed by Timmy as a unit of measurement of the length of the male endowment. The precise doughnut number for Huggles had not been accurately deduced despite a rather uplifting discussion. Nonetheless, there had been broad consensus that this would indeed be a large number.

Several weeks afterward, just prior to his arrival in this part of the world, Huggles was told of the doughnut conundrum by Kahuna. Being a large clown and unaware of his own doughnut number, Huggles made inquiries from Kahuna. This led to a hurried consultation between Kahuna and St Vandoofus:

Kahuna (K): Huggles wants to know how many doughnuts.
Vandoofus (V): Depends on the width of the doughnut.
K: In international standard doughnuts?
V: Also depends on the cream filling.
K: In the doughnut?
V: Yes.

It quickly became obvious that not even a team of huskies enticed by an extra ration of stew could have salvaged that conversation. Huggles had to contend with disappointment.

During a subsequent dinner at Chutney's mooted by Her Royal Highness to celebrate Huggles's birthday, Kahuna caused chaos by arranging the supply of doughnuts to the venue. Due to an apparent topological malfunction at the bakery, some of the doughnuts arrived as non-toroidal manifolds causing further chaos, and attracted highly inappropriate suggestions for making them holy once more. The wait staff of the establishment were no doubt traumatized by the spectacle of Darth Teddy brandishing a toroidal doughnut in his attempt to measure Huggles.

It is suspected that Kahuna was aided an abetted by the all-powerful Admiral in sourcing doughnuts. Operating in kernel mode and able to summon the general manager with a single system call, the Admiral demonstrated wide powers at the venue. These included the power to commandeer the restaurant, in nautical tradition, and reverse payment transactions, much to the irritation of Her Royal Highness.

However, despite all efforts, the doughnut number for Huggles has remained elusive. Kahuna finally consulted God to demystify the situation and broached the topic:

Kahuna (K): How many doughnuts can you put on your dick?
God (G): Around 1000.

It seemed that God was certainly well-endowed and not shy about it either. However, God did not seem entirely convinced about Huggles:

K: How many doughnuts can Huggles put on his dick?
G: Not as many as you might think.

And so we have come full circle. On that dodgy and highly inconclusive note, we take your leave for today.