Unquotable Quotes - Part 43

Is this the time you come home on a school night? Tsk, Tsk.

— Vandoofus, disapproving of Kahuna turning up in the wee hours.

I will do as I please.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

You need to get spanked. Er wait, you might like that.

— Vandoofus, having second thoughts on disciplining Kahuna.

I have stopped spinning.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on regaining control of his vestibular system.

So now you're a non-rotating black hole?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, reaching an extremely dense conclusion.

She had a bow and arrows in the car, what do you expect?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on the Admiral gaining unsanctioned ingress to his building.

I will send Akio Toyoda over to beat you senseless with an accelerator pedal.

— Kahuna to Gordon, seeking speedy dispute resolution.

Sorry, the Bill of Rights does not cover 1080p.

— Kahuna, dismissing Gordon's contention that HDTV was well within his rights.

Thus proving he doesn't require authorization from resident fruit bats to do anything.

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna being bypassed in formulating the household IPTV policy by His Paternal One.

Have you negotiated with your father to not set parental controls on the device?

— Gordon to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

I will compile the unabridged and unedited version of your biography to be presented to your offspring.

— Kahuna to Gordon, retaliating with the threat of releasing sensitive information.

SLT has also provided catnip for the household feline.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting value-added services for cats bundled with IPTV.

Mama baya ne!

— Diya Rakusa, defying Kahuna's threat of disclosing his decidedly colorful past.

And you expect all of us to come pick you up at the airport?

— Kahuna, outraged at Vandoofus demanding an entourage on arrival from the orient.

Not a wise course of action on the Ides of March, methinks.

— Kahuna, issuing a veiled threat on receipt of a general insult from Gordon.

Why is he the Genie?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, questioning the Genie Identity.

He likes to be rubbed.

— Kahuna, enlightening Vandoofus on the Way of the Genie.

Oh? Are you Alladin?

— Vandoofus, taking a dim view of Kahuna's role in the Way of the Genie.

That was a sub-optimal blow job.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, concluding that the blowhole (hummanaya) in Kudawala sucked after a decidedly feeble performance.

You can see Niagara Falls for free.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the daylight robbery legislated by the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha in charging admission to view the blowhole.

Not to mention the quasi-bogus visitor center that seems to be modeled after some species of octopus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, critiquing the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha's cephalopod-inspired architecture.

Will you abuse the words 'blow' and 'hole'?

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting high potential for buffoonery presented by current events.

If I get any better I will code myself out of the matrix.

— Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

Maybe your code will work if you get better.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

I see a guy wearing pink slippers; hope he messes with me.

— The Genie to Kahuna, spotting a suitable victim in his continuing quest for needless violence.

I read your messages to my wife.

— Huggles, voicing displeasure at insinuations made about his technical skills in Kahuna's communications with HRH.

Did you know that Yoda's voice and Miss Piggy's voice is the same?

— The Admiral to Kahuna, discovering the dark secrets of Frank Oz.

Bring this up now, do you?

— Kahuna, displeased at the Admiral's inconvenient discoveries.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 42

Gah! Didn't know this thing had chat.

— The Monster, on being accosted by Kahuna on Facebook chat.

Ask it to buy a dongle and stop whining.

— Gordon to Kahuna, weighing in heavily on the Vandoofus Bluetooth fiasco.

Are you on Michael Dell's customer support staff?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Gordon's customer service mindset.

I can't find "safely remove"; I'm just going to pull it out.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confounded by Universal Serial Bus technology.

She must be up to something dodgy, like spending money.

— Huggles to Kahuna, on being told of Her Royal Highness roaming the city unsupervised.

Well, I'll put a stop to that from tomorrow.

— Huggles to Kahuna, vowing to personally impose sanctions on Her Royal Highness.

I was told yesterday that you were the topic of discussion at the last dinner: specifically, parts of your anatomy.

— Kahuna, informing Huggles of an explicit dinnertime conversation in absentia.

You know Timmy and Teddy, mind in the bloody gutter.

— Huggles to Kahuna, unsurprised at being the main course.

Everybody misses me, I feel so special.

— Huggles to Kahuna, basking in the afterglow of undue attention.

Some of them are after specific parts of you.

— Kahuna, warning Huggles of underhand moves.

Has the butler assumed power yet?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, eagerly awaiting the Butlerian Jihad.

The butler is ironing my shirt as we speak.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing an unexpected delay in the revolution.

He might bean you with a rolling pin later.

— Kahuna, in hope of a desirable outcome in the power struggle between Vandoofus and his butler.

I am in an undisclosed location.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confessing on emulating Dick Cheney to avoid Huggles.

I'm sure Huggles will find you; You'd better buy some doughnuts to distract him.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, proposing devious toroidal countermeasures.

Teddy has a habit of grabbing him in the doughnuts.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, warning of Darth Teddy getting physical with Huggles.

You're spending way too much time in her chambers.

— Kahuna, disapproving of Vandoofus constantly consulting with his lawyer.

I need a lot of legal advice.

— Vandoofus, in his own defense.

You should slow down at your age.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the perils of excessive legal counsel.

My God!

— Darth Ching, encountering Kahuna armed with a camera in church.

I will have you replaced by a robot if you don't tone it down; preferably a lighter model.

— Kahuna's Lightweight Droid Solution to the Existential Gorden Problem.

I could have you replaced by a garden gnome and no one would notice the difference.

— Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis to Dislodge Kahuna.

In your case the difference would become obvious as the refrigerator alarm will not sound at midnight.

— Kahuna's Midnight Snack Retort to Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis.

Bastard!

— Kahuna, reacting in no uncertain terms to Vandoofus acquiring a new Macbook.

I will let you play with it.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

Do you know how to use it?

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Vandoofus's technological savvy.

I might just run Windows VM.

— Vandoofus, confirming Kahuna's fears with his plans to slow down Mac OS X.

Are you sure you spelt that out correctly?

— Huggles, learning of Kahuna's intent to walk.

Yes, I'm sure, you pervert!

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yeah, I was thinking of you while walking.

— Kahuna, on being asked by Huggles if he was missed.

I knew it, it was misspelt.

— Huggles to Kahuna, fearing the worst.

I'm going to shave and shower now and maybe spell correctly.

— Kahuna to Huggles, revealing His morning ablutions in unnecessary detail.

Just because your butler imposes an early dinner regime doesn't mean the rest of us have to fall in line.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on being told that His dinnertime was late.

Is this some sort of an attempt at a cardio activity?

— Vandoofus, questioning the motive behind Kahuna's plan to walk at 4 am.

No, it's an attempt at surprising the neighborhood rooster.

— Kahuna, peeved at Vandoofus questioning the obvious.

Are you going to engage in sexual activity with the rooster?

— Vandoofus, plotting to implicate Kahuna in a clandestine tryst.

Don't talk cock.

— Kahuna, dismissing Vandoofus's feather-brained fantasy.

Why can't you just eat roast paan and parippu like normal people?

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation at Kahuna constructing a seafood cannelloni.

You seem to have grown quite attached to Huggles.

— Kahuna, observing Vandoofus hobnobbing with Huggles.

That's just the cover.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, hinting at a more nefarious plan.

Their current location is unknown, but probably involves a bed.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on the whereabouts of Vandoofus and his lawyer.

From what I hear, their trip planning was a bit dodgy.

— The Baroness, reviewing intelligence reports of the Vandoofus Expedition with Kahuna.

Did you doubt my navigation skills?

— Vandoofus, on Kahuna's surprise at the return of his dodgy expedition.

I'm online with London regarding said skills, or lack thereof.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, admitting to spying for the Baroness.

You can't refer to your husband in the manner reserved for MI6.

— Kahuna, objecting to the Baroness referring to the Baron solely by letter.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 41

I didn't say half these things.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being prominently featured in UQ40.

Your liver would secede if it had that option.

— Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

Que? Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy's Foreign Language Retort to Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

I would like to play something besides their hands.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, expressing dubious desires after reviewing the Humanthesizer, consisting of fifteen bikini models.

What if someone sues your pants off?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus on the perils of roaming around without legal representation.

That's the irony: I am likely to need a lawyer when I am not with my lawyer.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to a high potential for misbehavior when unrepresented.

How do I check? Throw a match in or something?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on the correct procedure for examining one's tonsils.

You stand in front of a mirror, open your big mouth and shine a torch into the gaping darkness.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, outlining the more modern procedure recommended by five out of six otolaryngologists.

But, I should meet her in private.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of a circus in honor of Her Royal Highness.

I knew Google was bad news.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna applying facial recognition to His Picasa Web Albums.

Do you think parliament should meet under water?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, noting an underwater cabinet meeting held in the Maldives.

Yes, but without diving equipment.

— Vandoofus, approving Kahuna's watery proposal with a proviso.

Why? Was Huggles chasing you?

— Kahuna, hearing of Vandoofus running two kilometers.

Er, is he here?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing grave concern on the current whereabouts of Huggles.

Fucking Dell rip-off; I am buying a Mac.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, discovering after painstaking diagnosis that Harald Blatand was mysteriously unrepresented on his state-of-the-art Dell XPS 1310 notebook.

Are we presenting Teddy with an inappropriate gift?

— Her Royal Highness to Kahuna, plotting dubious deeds on the occasion of Darth Teddy's birthday.

So you chose Teddy over Doofi? Awww, he'll be hurt!

— Darth Teddy's Consort, learning of Kahuna choosing to deal with Teddy before Vandoofus.

Teddy is cuddlier.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Is there anyone you are interested in?

— Her Royal Highness, seeking to end Kahuna's unsupervised regime through dastardly means.

Other than your sibling?

— Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, seeking clarification.

Birthday sex.

— The Baron to Kahuna, defending an early return home on his birthday.

Just wish you were here too.

— The Baron to Kahuna, proposing a ménage à trois to celebrate his birthday.

Love this place; Gordon lives five minutes from everything.

— The Monster to Kahuna, disclosing the strategic co-location of Gordon's Lair from major amenities including the local Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

Gordon has located himself at the center of the universe?

— Kahuna, alarmed at the Monster's latest revelations.

I haven't been able to consult my lawyer since Tuesday.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to being sequestered by his parents.

I need to have a word with your mother.

— Vandoofus, threatening to invoke a higher power to deal with Kahuna.

Whom do you think your mother will believe? You or me?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, retaliating by raising a point of credibility.

Was the frosting disallowed?

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's confectionery intake being restricted to half a cupcake by his autonomous wife.

You expect us to believe that the plate moved on its own?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a major earthquake in the South Pacific.

You are fortunate that you live in the jungle or you would not be very safe right now.

— Her Royal Highness, warning Kahuna of an imminent offensive.

Oh, you'll summon your contingent of dieting elephants?

— Kahuna, speculating on the precise nature of Her Royal Highness's threat.

I see you're still in the low-frequency noise phase.

— Kahuna, peeved at humming sounds made by Vandoofus.

Very well then, have pleasant dreams that involve neither my brother nor my husband.

— Her Royal Highness, imposing restrictions on Kahuna's REM sleep.

You're seriously limiting my options.

— Kahuna, expressing irritation at Her Royal Highness's restrictive dreaming regulations.

Gordon may well be experimenting with this kind of thing in his laboratory.

— Kahuna to the Monster, observing the explosive results of microwaving a large Electra Bulb.

Indeed, I intend to aid when I get there.

— The Monster to Kahuna, confirming a genetic predisposition towards pyrotechnics.

This rivalry with Batman has got to stop.

— Kahuna to the Monster, taking a dim view of escalating tensions between Gordon and the Caped Crusader.

I will no longer be the Fat One soon, buwahahaha!

— Gordon to Kahuna, announcing a self-imposed exercise regimen.

Holy crème brûlée, Fatman!

— Kahuna, sensing a great disturbance in the barycenter of the Earth-Gordon system.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 39

This is like trying to find the cheapest airfare between Reno and Addis Ababa.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on comparing mobile phone service plans.

I didn't want to get off even after a fourteen hour flight.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being kicked upstairs to the upper deck of an A380 from Dubai to New York, complete with bar, in-chair massage functionality and fully flat bed.

In other news, the cat has hogged the bed in a manner that makes occupation difficult.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a late-night feline infestation.

You're messing with pussy in the dead of night.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the situation.

Kahuna my ass, you can't even relocate a cat.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling what should have been a routine feline extrication.

You'd think for a country that makes regular trips into outer space, they can get a voting system sorted out.

— Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

Nonsense, Diebold doesn't make the space shuttle.

— Kahuna's Rebuttal to Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

I suggest you move to Tibet and renounce your worldly possessions.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on learning that his autonomous wife was at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

In other news, we successfully simulated a visit by Santa for my daughter's benefit.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of an elaborate hoax perpetrated on Christmas Eve.

Did you use isolinear projection by Star Trek? Oh wait, you have Santa's radar profile, all you needed would have been the beard.

— Kahuna, experiencing an epiphany while discussing Gordon's Santa impersonation.

You think my wife would allow cake at this ungodly hour under any other circumstance?

— Gordon to Kahuna, defending a midnight feast on the occasion of his birthday.

If the missus reads this I'll be advised to go live with any of the three mentioned.

— Gordon, warning of dire consequences should his autonomous wife discover Kahuna's posting on Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory.

Your activities with pungent fruit are getting me down.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna lobbing a Durian in his direction.

You will note that only heads of state who are current or former terrorists visit these parts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a visit by the Abbas, hot in the footsteps of the Ahmedinejad.

Since I don't have a personal quarry, I had to pay for the stone.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on replacing counter-tops with granite at great expense.

She's at about 2.36 Rai.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on Halle Berry being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in 2008.

Earlier, there was myth that every company I worked for went bankrupt; then it expanded to every industry I worked in and now, every country.

— Vandoofus's Generalized Insolvency by Association Principle.

Indeed, I'm still reliant on Georgia Power.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting a delay in receiving his reactor from Kim.

Its modus operandi appears to be to slow down the client such that virii get fed up and leave.

— Kahuna to Gordon, commenting on the workings of McAfee's quasi-bogus anti-virus products.

They're promoting casual sends by the Pope.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a hardline view on Gmail's new undo send functionality.

You'll be taking refuge in Tehran?

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the need for a new hiding place given the thawing of relations between the US and North Korea and the warm and fuzzy relationship with *f* .

Er no, I will extend Interstate 10 to Pyongyang.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his industrious plans to make the best out of an early spring.

There are no laws against this, especially in late October.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being accused of harboring the Monster.

This now brings the total CPU count to 7, 15 if you're counting cores.

— Gordon to Kahuna, upping his processor count after an unscheduled second-hand hardware purchase from an apparel vendor of oriental persuasion.

Anything can happen in these tiny Chinese novelty shops; some are believed to appear and disappear mysteriously.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of the dangers of dabbling in wandering shops.

Maybe you can pick up an old Freon plant the next time you visit your grocer.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's second-hand shopping expeditions.

I locked out my password today by accidentally pressing Alt+Shift after a screen saver lockout and switching the language to Sinhala.

— Kahuna to Gordon, confessing to bungling in a native language.

I'm more interested in King Solomon's porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the discovery of King Solomon's Mines.

I'm not your muse.

— Kahuna, declining to provide creative input to Vandoofus's latest blog.

You're right about that; you're my bitch.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, under the influence of unknown hallucinogens.

There was never a rift; we never pledge allegiance to the Leader like the Apple folks do.

— Gordon to Kahuna, clarifying his relationship with Redmond.

If someone threw things at my embassy, I would retaliate by autocannon.

— Kahuna's Unequal and Opposite Reaction Policy.

These pussy-loving foreign ministers should have had theirs removed during the meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, advocating impromptu castration as part of His Foreign Policy.

If Dorothy wandered into your closet she would conclude fairly quickly that she was no longer in Kansas.

— Kahuna's Wizard of Oz Interpretation of Gordon's Closet.

The potential difference became zero; did you bring your closet online?

— Kahuna to Gordon, investigating a mysterious loss of power.

My daughter has found fascination in the metronome feature of the piano much to my annoyance.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being forced to keep time by his increasingly autonomous daughter.

Well it has to be plugged in to be useful, and besides when it doesn't respond, she thumps it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his daughter's maintenance analysis procedure for an unresponsive piano.

Percussive maintenance at such an early age; she will outdo you, I tell you.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon to expect polarity-reversed capacitors plugged into his power outlets.

Where were you on or about 1903?

— Kahuna to Gordon, discovering the existence of the Gordon Brothers Group established in the early 20^th century and fearing the worst.

The Vatican should be thumped with a rubber truncheon.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation with Benedict XVI's stance on prophylactics.

I'll steal your pics.

— Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

Watch your nuts.

— Kahuna's Subpeona^[1] Defense to Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

^[1] Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." (Anon).

Unquotable Quotes - Part 38

You speak as if you need to mount an expedition to the Andes on llamas.

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's lack of enthusiasm in locating important literary works lost in the depths of his lair.

Moistness comes to those who are patient.

— Darth Teddy's Patient Teddy Hypothesis.

May the cat o' nine tails feature prominently in your immediate future.

— Kahuna, raising hopes of a long-overdue disciplinary encounter for Darth Teddy.

No doubt your ancestor Obadiah Gordon was the surveyor in question.

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in the border dispute between Georgia and Tennessee due to a 200-year old cartographic error.

Your relational algebra is getting me down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing frustration with Kahuna's latest insinuations.

I should have sent you to find the serial number of the air starter armed with a candle in a methane atmosphere a long time ago.

— Kahuna, regretting not sending Gordon on a deadly quest after reading the antics of Dimi and the Chief.

I didn't realize Benedict XVI had such a position on his payroll.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the Pope's chief astronomer saying that life on Mars cannot be ruled out.

Each Mihin Air flight should also be dubbed a miracle once it lands.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting that F-117 pilots dubbed themselves bandits, with each given a bandit number after their first flight.

I'm contemplating assigning you a bandicoot number.

— Kahuna, unveiling plans to enumerate Gordon in an arguably less flattering manner.

The anaconda may be fed on Tuesday or Monday.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, posting a new feeding schedule.

You can't just install Windows here; plus, Linux is better on lower spec hardware.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reneging on a lifelong pact with Redmond and admitting to dabbling in Linux.

Did you run the bug detector before you uttered that statement? I believe the central control room in Redmond just went into red alert.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of possible reprisals from Ballmerville.

Maybe I'll just put my lens in my pocket and tell people am happy to see them.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing an alternative use for his telephoto zoom lens.

You will note that the root cause of this is the lack of prayer to the great god Baal with a cactus up one's ass.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the hazards of commencing projects without divine intervention.

Are you the chicken or the pig?

— Fluke, attempting to establish if Kahuna was merely involved or committed.

Neither; I'm the wolf who's got his eye on your ass.

— Kahuna to Fluke, disclosing a completely different agenda.

This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's need to do bitwise AND across rows using SQL.

The database engine will evaluate the code and after it determines that you wrote it, it will twiddle its interrupts and count cache misses.

— Kahuna, explaining the personalized execution plan for Gordon's SQL code.

I understand you intend on unleashing the anaconda on foreign soil.

— Fluke, expressing concern over Kahuna's proposed visit to the Orient with Darth Teddy.

Imperial stock is on the rise, however; someone's been telling a lot of lies somewhere.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attributing market sentiment to fresh baloney.

These shares entitle you to attend the AGM and heckle the board.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon of his rights as an Imperial stockholder.

I am usually at one with pussy, mostly 'cause I haven't had the opportunity to be with two.

— Darth Teddy, postulating the Tao^[1] of Teddy.

You're the Bone of Contention; or more aptly, the Boner of Contention.

— Kahuna, expounding the Te^[2] of Teddy.

A banana is a dangerous construct; if the terminator is missed it could go on forever: bananananananananananananana...

— Kahuna to Gordon, illustrating the little-known hazards in handling bananas.

You need professionalalalalalalal help.

— Gordon, seeking to institutionalize Kahuna.

Oh, he's been offering furtive cuddles in exchange for your endorsement?

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of receiving kickbacks from Darth Teddy.

I operate in bright sunlight unlike some of us who are cuddling up to the dark side.

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of dabbling in the dark arts.

I cannot resist the dark side of the farce; it is a calling I simply cannot resist.

— Fluke to Kahuna, admitting to being seduced by the dark side and more specifically by Darth Teddy.

If someone turns up for lunch after a 0640 arrival, I would greet them with a Howitzer.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the correct protocol for dealing with idiots who might invite themselves for a midday meal after a grueling intercontinental flight.

Do you have access to this idiot's remote management port? You will replace its BIOS with the MP3 version of Help me Rhonda.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a permanent fix for a chronic idiot.

Clowns in adjoining workspaces have come to ask what I'm laughing about BTBOTP.

— Gordon, admitting to workplace chaos during a conversation with Kahuna.

And you'll be using your rubber ducky as your scepter when you take over?

— Kahuna, expressing misgivings on Fluke being His potential successor.

More likely my Barrel-O-Slime.

— Fluke, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

Oh, you'll be needing props?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Fluke's selection of accessories.

You would be nothing if not for connectivity.

— Darth Teddy's Connected Kahuna Principle.

You would be nothing without your snake.

— Kahuna's Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

The first mongoose to turn up will disrupt your business model.

— Kahuna's Corollary to the Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

I will have you covered in topsoil if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to compost Kahuna.

This is no time for humus.

— Kahuna, unamused.

Teddy only knows things related to humping.

— Kahuna to Fluke, dismissing Darth Teddy as an authority on the merits of Ethernet switches versus hubs.

I will fit a turbocharger on your ass linked to a dynamo that will give you a jolt each time you fart.

— Gordon, proposing a rather anal Rube Goldberg mechanism to deal with Kahuna.

A magnesium flare shoved up your ass will help you see the error in your ways.

— Kahuna, retaliating with incandescent measures to help Gordon see the light.

Your paws tend to wander when unsupervised.

— Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

They also do when they're supervised. What's your point?

— Darth Teddy's Pointless Supervision Corollary to Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

And will you squeal like a piglet if I send you a toy?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, plotting to distribute dodgy gifts.

^[1] Tao, (Chinese: 道; Pinyin dao; Wade-Giles: tao; audio) is a metaphysical concept found in Taoism, Confucianism, and more generally in ancient Chinese philosophy. While the character itself translates as "way," "path," or "route," or sometimes more loosely as "doctrine" or "principle," it is used philosophically to signify the fundamental or true nature of the world.
^[2] Te, (Chinese: 德; pinyin: dé; Wade-Giles: te; audio) is a key concept in Chinese philosophy, usually translated "inherent character; inner power; integrity" in Taoism.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 37

Those who can, blog; those who can't blog, comment; and those who can't comment, bellyache.

— Kahuna's First Law of Blogging.

Well I wouldn't complain if we could teleport say, Beyonce, in that mode.

— Gordon to Kahuna, supporting teleportation of the form illustrated in the Dilbert strip of April 22, 2008.

I am now in possession of the Subtle Knife and the Amber Spy Glass.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to surreptitiously amassing more dark materials.

This is in addition to your anaconda, no doubt?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, trying to establish an accurate inventory.

You're messaging while waltzing?

— Gordon, on receiving a short message from Kahuna while at a party.

I am now in motion as prescribed by Newton after the unfortunate incident with the apple.

— Kahuna, informing Darth Teddy of His impending arrival.

At the rate you're falling ill, I suggest you join GlaxoSmithKline as a guinea pig.

— Kahuna, writing a prescription for Fluke.

Then again, you'll probably succumb to the next virus, or possibly a light crosswind.

— Kahuna, issuing quite a shaky prognosis for Fluke.

Will that be hand-luggage as well?

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's travel plans for his anaconda.

Hopefully someone else's, yes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing to stow his anaconda away in other people's luggage.

Your snake's tendency to poke around in other people's nooks and crannies is noted.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of the situation.

Indeed, it is friendly.

— Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I believe one George Armstrong Custer made a silly statement like that at his last stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

— Kahuna, drawing parallels between Fluke's folly and that of Lt Col Custer at the infamous Battle of the Little Bighorn.

Uuru meeya is a bandicoot, you fool.

— Gordon, objecting strongly to Kahuna translating uuru meeya as a tree-dwelling rat^[1].

Your employment as a translator at the UN would ensure the outbreak of World War III.

— Gordon, casting serious doubt about Kahuna's language skills.

Nurse, get an IV, 13% ethanol by volume, stat!

— Dr Kahuna, finding Darth Teddy's blood alcohol content to be dangerously low in the ER.

I propose to line up both factions and have an elephant lob durians at them. You will check if Naalaagiri is available.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining a rather noxious proposal to deal with a split in the commies.

I would have imagined that a spider of the sort that accosted one L M Muffet would have made you run a mile.

— Kahuna, proposing to place Fluke on a tuffet.

At those prices they probably installed a force field.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on how the exclusive Taprobane Island might have escaped the tsunami.

What is that dildo on the right?

— Kahuna to Gordon, unmoved by the Logitech Driving Force™ GT.

That's the shift lever.

— Gordon to Kahuna, setting the record straight about his proposed acquisition.

You're back in Las Kahunas damn it; change your status.

— Fluke, pointing out an inconsistent status on Facebook after Kahuna's return from the subcontinent.

You would sell your soul to the devil if it allowed you to harass me.

— Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I already have an MOU with him.

— Kahuna's Infernal Cahoots Confession to Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I am willing my credit card to stay in my wallet.

— Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

This is like willing your anaconda to stay in your pants.

— Kahuna's Roaming Anaconda Retort to Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

You should be watching consenting adults release their inhibitions at this hour.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna watching a surgical Carpal Tunnel Release procedure in the dead of the night.

I could improve the ambiance with an M1A1 Abrams if you like.

— Gordon, offering to enhance the experience of Kahuna's proposed visit to Ambiente along with Darth Teddy.

Do you think I could plug the Ella Gap with your posterior?

— Kahuna, attempting to make Gordon the butt of his latest plans.

Can I invite that dolphin here to lead all politicians out to sea?

— Kahuna to Gordon, upon learning of the dolphin who led stranded whales back to sea in New Zealand.

Haputale Kanda á la Brokeback Mountain?

— Gordon, drawing highly unnecessary parallels regarding Kahuna's proposed visit to the hills with Darth Teddy.

I will tie you to the bara baage and detach it from the propulsion system while on the incline.

— Kahuna, threatening drastic measures on the Haputale climb to silence Gordon.

By the Willies of Kahuna and Teddy?

— Fluke to Kahuna, hazarding a guess at the meaning of BTWOKT.

You're of course free to swear by our willies; however, the more conventional meaning is By the Whiskers of Kurvi-Tasch.

— Kahuna, enlightening Fluke on the correct meaning of BTWOKT as intended by Hergé in the fictional regime of Taschist Borduria.

Well it's not new; my willy has been the hot topic around the globe for a few years now.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, learning of Fluke's cocksure faith.

This is like blatantly stacking crates of uranium in the same room.

— Kahuna, learning of the Monster converging on Alpharetta to complete a gathering of Clan Gordon.

^[1] Literally, uuru meeya means pig rat. However, this refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) distinct from the Bandicoot proper (order Peramelemorphia).

Unquotable Quotes - Part 36

I will have you and your mobile sent back in time to just after A G Bell invented the telephone to have him beat you senseless with the instrument.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's new HTC Touch mobile phone.

Now's your chance to pee in it.

— Darth Teddy, advocating pollution on hearing of Kahuna cruising along the Nile.

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

On the jam-packed flight to New York as people shuffled past to the back, the lady behind me tells her neighbor, "It's like trying to get twenty clowns into a Volkswagen."

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of being made party to an involuntary circus.

We have just finished boarding and the aircraft doors are now closed. If your destination was not Atlanta, it is now.

— A flight attendant on Gordon's flight back from New York, sealing his fate.

By the same logic, I feel vindicated regarding naming your blimp Fat One.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting that the Pope's flight was designated Shepherd One.

Have they already identified you as a threat?

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna being provided an armed escort in Egypt.

Possibly; there's a clown with a semi-automatic weapon in front of me.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reporting of security measures en route to Abu Simbel.

I'm making the down-payment on his pyramid.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, learning that He was being sought by Gordon.

You don't appear impressed by these disclosures.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on receiving a lukewarm response to a routine status report from Egypt.

Unless you disclose that you have a belly dancer at your disposal, you would be right.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, setting minimum mandatory standards for reporting.

Have you disrobed it and had your way?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on learning of a belated appearance by the belly dancer.

Of course not; that would be your department. However, there wasn't much to disrobe.

— Kahuna, declining to encroach upon Darth Teddy's humping grounds whilst reporting that the minimum mandatory clothing requirement had been met, barely.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

Do you remember my Skype ID?

— Gordon to Kahuna, in the midst of yet another identity crisis.

Medical leave? Were you bitten by Darth Teddy?

— Kahuna, fearing the worst upon hearing of Fluke being indisposed.

Hogwash! It is merely a viral infection, nothing more; and you will do well to keep the Cuddly One out of this.

— Fluke, in his own defense.

A virus? What kind of self-respecting virus would wish to infect you? This won't look good on its resume you know.

— Kahuna, voicing concerns over Fluke's viral infection.

Cuddly One? Since when did you get upgraded to CO? You were the Allegedly Cuddly One last time I checked.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy's use of unapproved titles.

I've put in a good word for you with Osiris.

— Kahuna to Fluke, outlining a deadly agenda.

Why is your avatar in the shower?

— Kahuna, finding the Monster's avatar on Yahoo engaged in ablutions.

Do you always have your shower with a towel on?

— Kahuna to the Monster, questioning the need for a towel while the water was running.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

On account of being the largest clown present?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna wearing a Santa hat at a Christmas party.

Did you set fire to the Duck's office?

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting a fire in the offices of US Vice President Richard B 'Duck' Cheney.

The Duck was probably having a bonfire.

— Gordon to Kahuna, downplaying the incident as routine.

Ah yes, the CIA tapes; it all fits now.

— Kahuna to Gordon, attempting to implicate the Duck in sensitive tapes destroyed by the CIA.

Your obsession with pi is noted by Rachel Ray.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the failed Indiana Pi Bill which would have legislated the value of pi to 3.2.

I will thump you with a natural logarithm if you start to get approximate with me.

— Kahuna, taking exception with Gordon's cavalier, but highly rational attitude towards pi.

I wonder if whatever I fabricate is automatically backward integrated into history?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the existence of an Ebenezer Gordon in the 19^th century who also happened to be engaged in the photography trade.

So you finally admit to fabrication?

— Gordon, attempting at long last to bring Kahuna to book for falsifying the historical record.

Nonsense, you can see photographic evidence now.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's unsupervised activities across the continent.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Your considerable girth and personal gravitational field ought to be enough to sway any jury.

— Kahuna, on establishing Gordon's Santa Identity.

This would explain the reindeer picketing.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be outsourcing his Christmas deliveries.

Given its architectural skills, the edifice will collapse on its own accord.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing a structurally unsound view of an idiot architect.

I will shoot the inventors of these screwdrivers.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing grave annoyance with non-standard screw heads led by the quasi-bogus Tri-Wing design.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

Unquotable Quotes - Part 34

I think Cleopatra was the best.

— Gordon to Kahuna, having sampled forbidden fruit in the absence of Caesar.

Your darthworthiness has been questioned.

— Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy's credentials after leaking sensitive information about goings-on in Brighton to Fluke.

Bah, the look on your face as you held the rubbers in one hand and the vibrator in the other, like some multi-armed deity, in front of your roommates, is way off the scale.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, disclosing sordid snippets from the Brighton Files.

How many pics of the pussy did you take?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, making highly inappropriate references to members of the genus Panthera.

It was a male leopard; it had the balls to prove it.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, setting the record straight.

Please send more dodgy pictures.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking more incriminating evidence of senior management frolicking in the Yala.

How do you people come up with this buffoonery?

— Fluke to Darth Teddy, seeking to understand the nature of the Farce.

We're clowns.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, explaining the nature of the Farce for the benefit of Fluke.

Perhaps I will poke him; it is a great honor to be poked by Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to prod Fluke on Facebook.

Who the fuck is Fluke?

— Gordon, in his debut performance of Living Next Door to Fluke.

Would you like to have your posterior pummeled?

— Kahuna, inviting Darth Teddy to a game of Scrabble.

You've indicated that we've lived together.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Baroness's dubious disclosures on Facebook.

Yep, let's create a scandal.

— The Baroness, refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.

Does the Baron know about this illicit relationship we've had?

— Kahuna to the Baroness, seeking safe conducts.

I will have you idiots sealed if you don't watch it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure at the respective seals of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

My brother-in-law just threw an imaginary hippo at me.

— The Baroness, announcing the discovery of the Hippopotamus notional spp.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless purchased five pairs of shoes by Imelda Marcos.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, describing a harrowing escape from the Takashimaya with Huggles, duly confounded by Her Royal Highness.

Will you be lobbying for a ban on underwear?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy's stand on the semper ubi sub ubi policy.

I will be confiscating them.

— Darth Teddy, revealing plans for his summer collection.

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

I agree wholeheartedly; let us begin by ceremonially throwing a sheep at his offending posterior.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, agreeing to a rearguard action on Gordon for failure to join Facebook.

I forgot to lock the croc before heading out.

— Gordon to Kahuna, pleading mea culpa to an alligator being found in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

You're attempting to deploy a navy of lake monsters to terrorize the public.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of submarine warfare.

I'll have you whacked with a truckload of kimbula banis^[1] if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to silence Kahuna by means of amphibious baguettes.

Your personal bogosity must have caused an ass-to-cloud discharge.

— Kahuna, speculating that a backfired lightning strike may have led to the untimely demise of Gordon's broadband router.

At this rate, I'll need galvanic isolation.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation at frequent brownouts courtesy of the Ceylon 'Electricity' Board.

I can put you in a Faraday cage if you like.

— Gordon, proposing an extreme solution to isolate Kahuna.

Convert all the exit signs to simplified Chinese and they will die within the building.

— Kahuna to Gordon, offering a viable double-byte solution to clueless management.

Send them to me for Architecture 101; I will confiscate their laptops and give them paper and pencil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical laptopectomy on pointy-haired types.

We might have a few fatalities on the first day due to blood loss from improper use of a pencil, not to mention paper cuts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, setting expectations for Architecture 101.

At the next meeting use a samurai sword as a pointing device.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a cutting-edge solution to clueless management.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

^[1] For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, kimbula means crocodile and a kimbula banis is an elongated, crocodile-shaped bun coated with sugar.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 33

The least you could have done was to aim the projectile accurately.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for bungling the target zone during the last meteorite strike.

Need to loosen up my fingers again; they are a bit too stiff.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, forecasting ominous digital deeds.

Did I tell you about the FedEx guy who wanted to know why I was wearing a skirt?

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the follies of answering the door in Georgia while dressed in sarong.

And I think UQ is rigged; I'm certain that I made dodgier comments than the ones portrayed, and all of this has been overlooked for some hogwash.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure over non-inclusion in UQ32.

I am the USP for this series; I have fans to cater to.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, making a point about Unquotable Quotes.

Your USP is your anaconda, and you can quote me on that.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, pointing elsewhere.

So you're suggesting we replace the L2 with a baobab?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's radical departure from silicon in his new processor architecture.

Let's me get this right: we have pigeons bringing in the data from off chip storage, then there's a ring of elephants around the baobab who stomp on the incoming data to compress it?

— Kahuna, trying to picture Gordon's new processor architecture.

Yes, and vultures cleaning up any leftovers.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his organic garbage collection mechanism.

This compression appears to be lossy.

— Kahuna, expressing concerns about Gordon's pachydermal data compression algorithm.

When was the last time you recovered anything squashed by an elephant then?

— Gordon to Kahuna, proving to be quite thick-skinned on the need for an inverse compression function.

According to Gordon, you get the elephants to stomp on the file.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on being asked how to reduce the size of JPG file to a minimum.

They should drain that bloody lake and sort out the whole affair once and for all.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing an in-depth solution to locate the Loch Ness Monster.

Uugggh, scary monster.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Darth Teddy adorning the Board of Buffoons.

Am I still in the waiting list for a stripper?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, checking his prior booking.

And you're occupying the couch, the whole couch and nothing but the couch?

— Kahuna, attempting to establish Darth Teddy's whereabouts.

So help me plod.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, swearing by his slouch.

We're going to get an NC-17 rating at this rate.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of recent explicit postings on the Circus.

Are you still raising a point of order about these peanuts?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's concerns regarding 25 tons of peanuts being delivered to CBS on account of 'Jericho' being canceled.

By the way, I think you should install Food Fight on Facebook so that I can throw things at you.

— The Baroness, seeking to pelt Kahuna with a pie.

You have published more on me than any other clown on the planet already.

— Gordon, noting Kahuna's unauthorized biographical works.

Precisely; I was expecting preferential treatment.

— Kahuna, on expecting to write Gordon's obituary.

You will probably be the cause of my demise as well.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a deadly view of things.

The invasion will be tomorrow.

— Gordon, providing a revised schedule to Kahuna.

You're exiting your republic as I come in?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna's plans to visit the orient during a previously scheduled invasion.

I will be remotely managing my republic.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Greetings from Boston.

— Gordon, engaging in blatant provocation of Kahuna.

Yeah right; like your anaconda won't dance when I send a stripper.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to engage in snake charming by proxy.

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Well pencil him in; my list is quite long, however.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to remove another certified idiot from the planet.

Found the dancing girls?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, checking on preparations for his visit.

No, but the male strippers are ready.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, disclosing alternative arrangements.

I am walking around in London and am actually getting paid for it.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to profitable but dodgy activities in the city.

Will we be seeing a geostationary anaconda over Watford?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, fearing the worst after learning of the Geostationary Banana over Texas.

It won't be stationary by any means.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst fears.

Those are young lions; they are just playing with their food.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the antics of Kevin Richardson.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

Anyone care to endorse this?

— Darth Teddy, seeking an empirical proof to his Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

You need to be knocked down a notch or two, BTBOTP.

— Kahuna, seeking to deflate Darth Teddy's rampant presence.

Can I stay up on the same notch and get some one to blow me instead?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing a highly inflationary alternative.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 32

Your face probably scared the mailer daemon.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on why her photograph was not delivered by email.

I have always been intrigued with the correlation between scanning cats and one's own illness.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on Computed Axial Tomography.

Apparently the monkeys have already started putting up banners to welcome you back.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, on a proposed expedition to the Yala.

It is the first time that I've seen a groom with hair longer than the bride's.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's hairdo at his nuptials.

I spilt orange juice on the laptop; it's fried.

— Gordon to Kahuna, declaring sinister deeds with a little help from his offspring.

I suggest you get one of those spill-proof baby bottles for yourself.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for causing a flood.

The keyboard on this thing seems to be made with chewing gum: it requires about 10 kPa to trigger a key.

— Gordon to Kahuna, bellyaching about his replacement laptop.

And the Seagate drive is as noisy as a squirrel on a tin roof.

— Gordon to Kahuna, dismissing the decibel as the preferred unit of measure for hard drive acoustics.

I casually mentioned that I was a university lecturer in IT and she toned it down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, admitting that he threw his considerable weight about to silence a luser.

We speak only Australian.

— Huggles to Kahuna, declaring an Australian-only policy.

Palayang ado.

— Kahuna, resorting to the native language to suggest that Huggles should stick his policy down under.

I have fetishes you wouldn't even dream of.

— Huggles to Kahuna, admitting his penchant for obsessions.

I have to recalibrate the Tomahawk.

— Gordon, on his pressing need for Kahuna's current location.

Application of Vaseline would have severely impacted the diffraction grating.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon's offspring had manifested with a DVD-R and a tub of Vaseline.

Your daughter may be attempting to destroy a second laptop with a well-greased DVD-R.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of weapons of mass diffraction.

She is attempting to override her ACL for objects on the table.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his offspring's efforts to access his tablespace and engineer a second flood.

She didn't take too well to the 403 error and has left.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting the result of revoking tablespace privileges.

She is currently transmitting wail packets on the broadcast address.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting further consequences of his actions.

C9 27 55 2A A7 30 B1 30 89 99 D5 0F 51 0A AA 98.

— Kahuna, laying claim to his own 128-bit integer after the AACS encryption key controversy.

Your emotions are not parsed by this channel; you will switch to approved channels.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for expressing an unsupported emotion [ =)) ] on MSN Messenger.

It seems that lawrencium has no known uses, just like you.

— Kahuna, taking an elementary jab at Vandoofus.

It has a half-life of 216 minutes: just like you, if I get my hands on you.

— Vandoofus, resorting to radioactive decay to deal with Kahuna.

They take being "The World's Local Bank" very seriously; in this part of the world, it appears to be the bullock cart.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on HSBC taking two weeks to deliver a security token.

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I am mucking about with the Seven Cores, the RSX and the Holy SIXAXIS.

— Gordon to Kahuna, swearing by a most unholy trinity.

My august personage shall stand no besmirching by thy vile lies, varlet!

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, redeeming his role as the Bart of San Francisco.

I'm not; this is gross photoshopping by that damned Katussa.

— Bartus Maximus to Gordon, denying that his tongue was seeking intercourse with a nearby ear as suggested by damning evidence obtained by Kahuna.

I shall send you a little effigy of myself that you can pay homage to.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, on diversifying into the ornament and figurine business.

Hello, my name is E. Bunny and I am insatiable.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

A Q minor is a C major with an intercontinental delay.

— Vandoofus, explaining the newly discovered minor scale to Kahuna.

I've always believed in government of Kahuna, by Kahuna for Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Gordon, unveiling His manifesto.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.