The Turing Misadventures: Part 2 - The Huggles Doughnut Conundrum

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Late last year, a number of clowns gathered for dinner amidst much pandemonium. St Vandoofus, Darth Teddy, Timmy, The Monster and Her Royal Highness were among the assembled contingent. Kahuna was notably absent from the proceedings citing a suspicious and completely unverifiable prior engagement.

Given the already high Clown Factor, the event had rapidly descended into madness when the topic of conversation had been hijacked by known deviant Timmy and taken, kicking and screaming, into a candidly anatomical discussion of Huggles. At least of the more interesting parts of Huggles. While Huggles, blissfully asleep down under was unaware of his rising popularity at the time, Her Royal Highness had not been amused by the topic of conversation and had offered stiff resistance. However, not unsurprisingly, the prurient interest had prevailed and the highly questionable use of doughnuts had been proposed by Timmy as a unit of measurement of the length of the male endowment. The precise doughnut number for Huggles had not been accurately deduced despite a rather uplifting discussion. Nonetheless, there had been broad consensus that this would indeed be a large number.

Several weeks afterward, just prior to his arrival in this part of the world, Huggles was told of the doughnut conundrum by Kahuna. Being a large clown and unaware of his own doughnut number, Huggles made inquiries from Kahuna. This led to a hurried consultation between Kahuna and St Vandoofus:

Kahuna (K): Huggles wants to know how many doughnuts.
Vandoofus (V): Depends on the width of the doughnut.
K: In international standard doughnuts?
V: Also depends on the cream filling.
K: In the doughnut?
V: Yes.

It quickly became obvious that not even a team of huskies enticed by an extra ration of stew could have salvaged that conversation. Huggles had to contend with disappointment.

During a subsequent dinner at Chutney's mooted by Her Royal Highness to celebrate Huggles's birthday, Kahuna caused chaos by arranging the supply of doughnuts to the venue. Due to an apparent topological malfunction at the bakery, some of the doughnuts arrived as non-toroidal manifolds causing further chaos, and attracted highly inappropriate suggestions for making them holy once more. The wait staff of the establishment were no doubt traumatized by the spectacle of Darth Teddy brandishing a toroidal doughnut in his attempt to measure Huggles.

It is suspected that Kahuna was aided an abetted by the all-powerful Admiral in sourcing doughnuts. Operating in kernel mode and able to summon the general manager with a single system call, the Admiral demonstrated wide powers at the venue. These included the power to commandeer the restaurant, in nautical tradition, and reverse payment transactions, much to the irritation of Her Royal Highness.

However, despite all efforts, the doughnut number for Huggles has remained elusive. Kahuna finally consulted God to demystify the situation and broached the topic:

Kahuna (K): How many doughnuts can you put on your dick?
God (G): Around 1000.

It seemed that God was certainly well-endowed and not shy about it either. However, God did not seem entirely convinced about Huggles:

K: How many doughnuts can Huggles put on his dick?
G: Not as many as you might think.

And so we have come full circle. On that dodgy and highly inconclusive note, we take your leave for today.

Rush it's Snowing!

Skis on Wheels (Copyright © 2010 The Monster)

KELANIYA, Sri Lanka -- Captured here is a 3-wheeled friend who is seen sporting his new skis and honking frantically while rushing at a top speed of 35 kmph on his way to the Colombo ski resort, after reports of snow in Colombo due to the temperatures dropping just below 30° Celsius the previous day.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 42

Gah! Didn't know this thing had chat.

— The Monster, on being accosted by Kahuna on Facebook chat.

Ask it to buy a dongle and stop whining.

— Gordon to Kahuna, weighing in heavily on the Vandoofus Bluetooth fiasco.

Are you on Michael Dell's customer support staff?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Gordon's customer service mindset.

I can't find "safely remove"; I'm just going to pull it out.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confounded by Universal Serial Bus technology.

She must be up to something dodgy, like spending money.

— Huggles to Kahuna, on being told of Her Royal Highness roaming the city unsupervised.

Well, I'll put a stop to that from tomorrow.

— Huggles to Kahuna, vowing to personally impose sanctions on Her Royal Highness.

I was told yesterday that you were the topic of discussion at the last dinner: specifically, parts of your anatomy.

— Kahuna, informing Huggles of an explicit dinnertime conversation in absentia.

You know Timmy and Teddy, mind in the bloody gutter.

— Huggles to Kahuna, unsurprised at being the main course.

Everybody misses me, I feel so special.

— Huggles to Kahuna, basking in the afterglow of undue attention.

Some of them are after specific parts of you.

— Kahuna, warning Huggles of underhand moves.

Has the butler assumed power yet?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, eagerly awaiting the Butlerian Jihad.

The butler is ironing my shirt as we speak.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing an unexpected delay in the revolution.

He might bean you with a rolling pin later.

— Kahuna, in hope of a desirable outcome in the power struggle between Vandoofus and his butler.

I am in an undisclosed location.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confessing on emulating Dick Cheney to avoid Huggles.

I'm sure Huggles will find you; You'd better buy some doughnuts to distract him.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, proposing devious toroidal countermeasures.

Teddy has a habit of grabbing him in the doughnuts.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, warning of Darth Teddy getting physical with Huggles.

You're spending way too much time in her chambers.

— Kahuna, disapproving of Vandoofus constantly consulting with his lawyer.

I need a lot of legal advice.

— Vandoofus, in his own defense.

You should slow down at your age.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the perils of excessive legal counsel.

My God!

— Darth Ching, encountering Kahuna armed with a camera in church.

I will have you replaced by a robot if you don't tone it down; preferably a lighter model.

— Kahuna's Lightweight Droid Solution to the Existential Gorden Problem.

I could have you replaced by a garden gnome and no one would notice the difference.

— Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis to Dislodge Kahuna.

In your case the difference would become obvious as the refrigerator alarm will not sound at midnight.

— Kahuna's Midnight Snack Retort to Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis.

Bastard!

— Kahuna, reacting in no uncertain terms to Vandoofus acquiring a new Macbook.

I will let you play with it.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

Do you know how to use it?

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Vandoofus's technological savvy.

I might just run Windows VM.

— Vandoofus, confirming Kahuna's fears with his plans to slow down Mac OS X.

Are you sure you spelt that out correctly?

— Huggles, learning of Kahuna's intent to walk.

Yes, I'm sure, you pervert!

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yeah, I was thinking of you while walking.

— Kahuna, on being asked by Huggles if he was missed.

I knew it, it was misspelt.

— Huggles to Kahuna, fearing the worst.

I'm going to shave and shower now and maybe spell correctly.

— Kahuna to Huggles, revealing His morning ablutions in unnecessary detail.

Just because your butler imposes an early dinner regime doesn't mean the rest of us have to fall in line.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on being told that His dinnertime was late.

Is this some sort of an attempt at a cardio activity?

— Vandoofus, questioning the motive behind Kahuna's plan to walk at 4 am.

No, it's an attempt at surprising the neighborhood rooster.

— Kahuna, peeved at Vandoofus questioning the obvious.

Are you going to engage in sexual activity with the rooster?

— Vandoofus, plotting to implicate Kahuna in a clandestine tryst.

Don't talk cock.

— Kahuna, dismissing Vandoofus's feather-brained fantasy.

Why can't you just eat roast paan and parippu like normal people?

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation at Kahuna constructing a seafood cannelloni.

You seem to have grown quite attached to Huggles.

— Kahuna, observing Vandoofus hobnobbing with Huggles.

That's just the cover.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, hinting at a more nefarious plan.

Their current location is unknown, but probably involves a bed.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on the whereabouts of Vandoofus and his lawyer.

From what I hear, their trip planning was a bit dodgy.

— The Baroness, reviewing intelligence reports of the Vandoofus Expedition with Kahuna.

Did you doubt my navigation skills?

— Vandoofus, on Kahuna's surprise at the return of his dodgy expedition.

I'm online with London regarding said skills, or lack thereof.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, admitting to spying for the Baroness.

You can't refer to your husband in the manner reserved for MI6.

— Kahuna, objecting to the Baroness referring to the Baron solely by letter.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 41

I didn't say half these things.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being prominently featured in UQ40.

Your liver would secede if it had that option.

— Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

Que? Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy's Foreign Language Retort to Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

I would like to play something besides their hands.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, expressing dubious desires after reviewing the Humanthesizer, consisting of fifteen bikini models.

What if someone sues your pants off?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus on the perils of roaming around without legal representation.

That's the irony: I am likely to need a lawyer when I am not with my lawyer.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to a high potential for misbehavior when unrepresented.

How do I check? Throw a match in or something?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on the correct procedure for examining one's tonsils.

You stand in front of a mirror, open your big mouth and shine a torch into the gaping darkness.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, outlining the more modern procedure recommended by five out of six otolaryngologists.

But, I should meet her in private.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of a circus in honor of Her Royal Highness.

I knew Google was bad news.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna applying facial recognition to His Picasa Web Albums.

Do you think parliament should meet under water?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, noting an underwater cabinet meeting held in the Maldives.

Yes, but without diving equipment.

— Vandoofus, approving Kahuna's watery proposal with a proviso.

Why? Was Huggles chasing you?

— Kahuna, hearing of Vandoofus running two kilometers.

Er, is he here?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing grave concern on the current whereabouts of Huggles.

Fucking Dell rip-off; I am buying a Mac.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, discovering after painstaking diagnosis that Harald Blatand was mysteriously unrepresented on his state-of-the-art Dell XPS 1310 notebook.

Are we presenting Teddy with an inappropriate gift?

— Her Royal Highness to Kahuna, plotting dubious deeds on the occasion of Darth Teddy's birthday.

So you chose Teddy over Doofi? Awww, he'll be hurt!

— Darth Teddy's Consort, learning of Kahuna choosing to deal with Teddy before Vandoofus.

Teddy is cuddlier.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Is there anyone you are interested in?

— Her Royal Highness, seeking to end Kahuna's unsupervised regime through dastardly means.

Other than your sibling?

— Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, seeking clarification.

Birthday sex.

— The Baron to Kahuna, defending an early return home on his birthday.

Just wish you were here too.

— The Baron to Kahuna, proposing a ménage à trois to celebrate his birthday.

Love this place; Gordon lives five minutes from everything.

— The Monster to Kahuna, disclosing the strategic co-location of Gordon's Lair from major amenities including the local Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

Gordon has located himself at the center of the universe?

— Kahuna, alarmed at the Monster's latest revelations.

I haven't been able to consult my lawyer since Tuesday.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to being sequestered by his parents.

I need to have a word with your mother.

— Vandoofus, threatening to invoke a higher power to deal with Kahuna.

Whom do you think your mother will believe? You or me?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, retaliating by raising a point of credibility.

Was the frosting disallowed?

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's confectionery intake being restricted to half a cupcake by his autonomous wife.

You expect us to believe that the plate moved on its own?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a major earthquake in the South Pacific.

You are fortunate that you live in the jungle or you would not be very safe right now.

— Her Royal Highness, warning Kahuna of an imminent offensive.

Oh, you'll summon your contingent of dieting elephants?

— Kahuna, speculating on the precise nature of Her Royal Highness's threat.

I see you're still in the low-frequency noise phase.

— Kahuna, peeved at humming sounds made by Vandoofus.

Very well then, have pleasant dreams that involve neither my brother nor my husband.

— Her Royal Highness, imposing restrictions on Kahuna's REM sleep.

You're seriously limiting my options.

— Kahuna, expressing irritation at Her Royal Highness's restrictive dreaming regulations.

Gordon may well be experimenting with this kind of thing in his laboratory.

— Kahuna to the Monster, observing the explosive results of microwaving a large Electra Bulb.

Indeed, I intend to aid when I get there.

— The Monster to Kahuna, confirming a genetic predisposition towards pyrotechnics.

This rivalry with Batman has got to stop.

— Kahuna to the Monster, taking a dim view of escalating tensions between Gordon and the Caped Crusader.

I will no longer be the Fat One soon, buwahahaha!

— Gordon to Kahuna, announcing a self-imposed exercise regimen.

Holy crème brûlée, Fatman!

— Kahuna, sensing a great disturbance in the barycenter of the Earth-Gordon system.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 39

This is like trying to find the cheapest airfare between Reno and Addis Ababa.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on comparing mobile phone service plans.

I didn't want to get off even after a fourteen hour flight.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being kicked upstairs to the upper deck of an A380 from Dubai to New York, complete with bar, in-chair massage functionality and fully flat bed.

In other news, the cat has hogged the bed in a manner that makes occupation difficult.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a late-night feline infestation.

You're messing with pussy in the dead of night.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the situation.

Kahuna my ass, you can't even relocate a cat.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling what should have been a routine feline extrication.

You'd think for a country that makes regular trips into outer space, they can get a voting system sorted out.

— Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

Nonsense, Diebold doesn't make the space shuttle.

— Kahuna's Rebuttal to Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

I suggest you move to Tibet and renounce your worldly possessions.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on learning that his autonomous wife was at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

In other news, we successfully simulated a visit by Santa for my daughter's benefit.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of an elaborate hoax perpetrated on Christmas Eve.

Did you use isolinear projection by Star Trek? Oh wait, you have Santa's radar profile, all you needed would have been the beard.

— Kahuna, experiencing an epiphany while discussing Gordon's Santa impersonation.

You think my wife would allow cake at this ungodly hour under any other circumstance?

— Gordon to Kahuna, defending a midnight feast on the occasion of his birthday.

If the missus reads this I'll be advised to go live with any of the three mentioned.

— Gordon, warning of dire consequences should his autonomous wife discover Kahuna's posting on Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory.

Your activities with pungent fruit are getting me down.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna lobbing a Durian in his direction.

You will note that only heads of state who are current or former terrorists visit these parts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a visit by the Abbas, hot in the footsteps of the Ahmedinejad.

Since I don't have a personal quarry, I had to pay for the stone.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on replacing counter-tops with granite at great expense.

She's at about 2.36 Rai.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on Halle Berry being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in 2008.

Earlier, there was myth that every company I worked for went bankrupt; then it expanded to every industry I worked in and now, every country.

— Vandoofus's Generalized Insolvency by Association Principle.

Indeed, I'm still reliant on Georgia Power.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting a delay in receiving his reactor from Kim.

Its modus operandi appears to be to slow down the client such that virii get fed up and leave.

— Kahuna to Gordon, commenting on the workings of McAfee's quasi-bogus anti-virus products.

They're promoting casual sends by the Pope.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a hardline view on Gmail's new undo send functionality.

You'll be taking refuge in Tehran?

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the need for a new hiding place given the thawing of relations between the US and North Korea and the warm and fuzzy relationship with *f* .

Er no, I will extend Interstate 10 to Pyongyang.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his industrious plans to make the best out of an early spring.

There are no laws against this, especially in late October.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being accused of harboring the Monster.

This now brings the total CPU count to 7, 15 if you're counting cores.

— Gordon to Kahuna, upping his processor count after an unscheduled second-hand hardware purchase from an apparel vendor of oriental persuasion.

Anything can happen in these tiny Chinese novelty shops; some are believed to appear and disappear mysteriously.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of the dangers of dabbling in wandering shops.

Maybe you can pick up an old Freon plant the next time you visit your grocer.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's second-hand shopping expeditions.

I locked out my password today by accidentally pressing Alt+Shift after a screen saver lockout and switching the language to Sinhala.

— Kahuna to Gordon, confessing to bungling in a native language.

I'm more interested in King Solomon's porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the discovery of King Solomon's Mines.

I'm not your muse.

— Kahuna, declining to provide creative input to Vandoofus's latest blog.

You're right about that; you're my bitch.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, under the influence of unknown hallucinogens.

There was never a rift; we never pledge allegiance to the Leader like the Apple folks do.

— Gordon to Kahuna, clarifying his relationship with Redmond.

If someone threw things at my embassy, I would retaliate by autocannon.

— Kahuna's Unequal and Opposite Reaction Policy.

These pussy-loving foreign ministers should have had theirs removed during the meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, advocating impromptu castration as part of His Foreign Policy.

If Dorothy wandered into your closet she would conclude fairly quickly that she was no longer in Kansas.

— Kahuna's Wizard of Oz Interpretation of Gordon's Closet.

The potential difference became zero; did you bring your closet online?

— Kahuna to Gordon, investigating a mysterious loss of power.

My daughter has found fascination in the metronome feature of the piano much to my annoyance.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being forced to keep time by his increasingly autonomous daughter.

Well it has to be plugged in to be useful, and besides when it doesn't respond, she thumps it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his daughter's maintenance analysis procedure for an unresponsive piano.

Percussive maintenance at such an early age; she will outdo you, I tell you.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon to expect polarity-reversed capacitors plugged into his power outlets.

Where were you on or about 1903?

— Kahuna to Gordon, discovering the existence of the Gordon Brothers Group established in the early 20^th century and fearing the worst.

The Vatican should be thumped with a rubber truncheon.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation with Benedict XVI's stance on prophylactics.

I'll steal your pics.

— Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

Watch your nuts.

— Kahuna's Subpeona^[1] Defense to Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

^[1] Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." (Anon).

The Law of the Circus - Part 1

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Difficult as it is to believe, more than three years have passed since the first publication of Unquotable Quotes back in March of 2005. The 37^th edition is expected to hit the streets sometime during the long weekend, barring an unforeseen act of Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes—perhaps better known as UQ—is the original commentary made by the large clowns infesting the Circus. Over the years, these clowns have uttered many choice statements that have been converted by Kahuna into laws, principles, hypotheses, corollaries, lemmas and even a prayer or two.

In hindsight, it would seem that arch motorist Professor Gordon started the wheel rolling when he propounded his Law of Legislated Potholes in UQ10. Soon after, Gordon followed up with his Principle of Volumetric Ornithology after a pelican decided to relieve itself on his then flagship automobile, GITT Mk II. This incident also gave rise to an entirely new field of study.

However, we digress. Here for the first time is a comprehensive reference to the Law of the Circus, in order of publication date:

From UQ10:

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

— Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

From UQ11:

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

— Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

— The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

— Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

— Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

— Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

From UQ12:

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

— The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

From UQ14:

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

— Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

From UQ15:

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

— Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

From UQ16:

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

— Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

— Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

From UQ19:

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

— Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

— Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

— Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

From UQ20:

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

— Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

From UQ21:

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

— Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

From UQ24:

The best parts of learning are the stains.

— Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

Mothers get along with me.

— Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

— Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

— Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

— Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

— Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

From UQ28:

Smooch is not equal to hump.

— Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

— Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

From UQ29:

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

From UQ30:

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

From UQ31:

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

From UQ32:

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

From UQ33:

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

From UQ34:

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

From UQ35:

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

From UQ36:

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 36

I will have you and your mobile sent back in time to just after A G Bell invented the telephone to have him beat you senseless with the instrument.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's new HTC Touch mobile phone.

Now's your chance to pee in it.

— Darth Teddy, advocating pollution on hearing of Kahuna cruising along the Nile.

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

On the jam-packed flight to New York as people shuffled past to the back, the lady behind me tells her neighbor, "It's like trying to get twenty clowns into a Volkswagen."

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of being made party to an involuntary circus.

We have just finished boarding and the aircraft doors are now closed. If your destination was not Atlanta, it is now.

— A flight attendant on Gordon's flight back from New York, sealing his fate.

By the same logic, I feel vindicated regarding naming your blimp Fat One.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting that the Pope's flight was designated Shepherd One.

Have they already identified you as a threat?

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna being provided an armed escort in Egypt.

Possibly; there's a clown with a semi-automatic weapon in front of me.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reporting of security measures en route to Abu Simbel.

I'm making the down-payment on his pyramid.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, learning that He was being sought by Gordon.

You don't appear impressed by these disclosures.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on receiving a lukewarm response to a routine status report from Egypt.

Unless you disclose that you have a belly dancer at your disposal, you would be right.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, setting minimum mandatory standards for reporting.

Have you disrobed it and had your way?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on learning of a belated appearance by the belly dancer.

Of course not; that would be your department. However, there wasn't much to disrobe.

— Kahuna, declining to encroach upon Darth Teddy's humping grounds whilst reporting that the minimum mandatory clothing requirement had been met, barely.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

Do you remember my Skype ID?

— Gordon to Kahuna, in the midst of yet another identity crisis.

Medical leave? Were you bitten by Darth Teddy?

— Kahuna, fearing the worst upon hearing of Fluke being indisposed.

Hogwash! It is merely a viral infection, nothing more; and you will do well to keep the Cuddly One out of this.

— Fluke, in his own defense.

A virus? What kind of self-respecting virus would wish to infect you? This won't look good on its resume you know.

— Kahuna, voicing concerns over Fluke's viral infection.

Cuddly One? Since when did you get upgraded to CO? You were the Allegedly Cuddly One last time I checked.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy's use of unapproved titles.

I've put in a good word for you with Osiris.

— Kahuna to Fluke, outlining a deadly agenda.

Why is your avatar in the shower?

— Kahuna, finding the Monster's avatar on Yahoo engaged in ablutions.

Do you always have your shower with a towel on?

— Kahuna to the Monster, questioning the need for a towel while the water was running.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

On account of being the largest clown present?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna wearing a Santa hat at a Christmas party.

Did you set fire to the Duck's office?

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting a fire in the offices of US Vice President Richard B 'Duck' Cheney.

The Duck was probably having a bonfire.

— Gordon to Kahuna, downplaying the incident as routine.

Ah yes, the CIA tapes; it all fits now.

— Kahuna to Gordon, attempting to implicate the Duck in sensitive tapes destroyed by the CIA.

Your obsession with pi is noted by Rachel Ray.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the failed Indiana Pi Bill which would have legislated the value of pi to 3.2.

I will thump you with a natural logarithm if you start to get approximate with me.

— Kahuna, taking exception with Gordon's cavalier, but highly rational attitude towards pi.

I wonder if whatever I fabricate is automatically backward integrated into history?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the existence of an Ebenezer Gordon in the 19^th century who also happened to be engaged in the photography trade.

So you finally admit to fabrication?

— Gordon, attempting at long last to bring Kahuna to book for falsifying the historical record.

Nonsense, you can see photographic evidence now.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's unsupervised activities across the continent.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Your considerable girth and personal gravitational field ought to be enough to sway any jury.

— Kahuna, on establishing Gordon's Santa Identity.

This would explain the reindeer picketing.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be outsourcing his Christmas deliveries.

Given its architectural skills, the edifice will collapse on its own accord.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing a structurally unsound view of an idiot architect.

I will shoot the inventors of these screwdrivers.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing grave annoyance with non-standard screw heads led by the quasi-bogus Tri-Wing design.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 17: The Wake of the Heavy

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Greetings good people of Earth and our esteemed alien readership! We're back with even more buffoonery after a short hiatus on account of the festive season. What better way to kick off a new year than with another edition of the redoubtable Kahuna-Gordon Messages?

Today we bring you a conversation between our two arch-clowns after Thanksgiving:

Kahuna : Have you gained mass during the 
         proceedings?
Gordon : Large quantities of turkey (Meleagris 
         gallopavo) have been consumed.
Kahuna : The wobble introduced into the Earth's 
         axial rotation over Atlanta led me to 
         suspect this.
Gordon : That might have been the Monster mucking 
         about near the Hoover Dam.
Kahuna : A likely story. I will resort to adding 
         the term "heavy" after your name in a 
         manner similar to the call signs of very
         large aircraft.
Gordon : I believe heavy refers to the level of 
         fuel on board.
Kahuna : Er no, it refers to the wake turbulence.  
         Heh heh :-P
Gordon : X-(
Kahuna : [ROTFL]
Gordon : It'll be "mayday, mayday" for you once I'm
         done with you X-(
Kahuna : Less chatter, Gordon 371 Heavy.
Gordon : Missile alert :-l
Kahuna : Indeed, you and gravity would be a deadly 
         combination X-(

Plans to declare Gordon a wake-vortex hazard and enforce minimum separation for trailing pedestrians is believed to be well underway. Kahuna is also reportedly eying both the Monster and Darth Teddy as similar hazards, given their expanding girths. The Monster was not available for comment. However, Darth Teddy quickly dismissed the allegations against his waistline contending that he was "petite." Kahuna scoffed at the Bear's petiteness, pointing out that Obelix had resorted to similar tactics in the well-known Adventures of Asterix.

In related news, certain budget airlines recently discovered that a fully-loaded Airbus A321 was indeed too heavy to manually push back from the gate when ground services were suspended due to non-payment of dues^[1]. While even clowns of average intelligence would certainly appreciate the folly in trying to thallu-start an Airbus using twelve able-bodied personnel instead of the more conventional practice of using a pushback tractor, room temperature IQs seem evident within the relevant decision-making bodies. Oh well, only in paradise.

On that note, we take your leave. Please note that no aircraft were manually pushed back during this production.

^[1] "Mihin Aircraft Gets Thallu Start." The Morning Leader. 2 January 2008.

Gordon to Outsource Santa; Reindeer Launch Industrial Action

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Professor Ebenezer Gordon, Chairman and Grand Poobah of Gordon Industries, Inc., today announced that he would be outsourcing this year's Christmas gift delivery operation to India. He cited the rising supply chain cost of his Santa Claus business, eroding margins and the deteriorating relations with his reindeer as reasons behind this unprecedented move.

Gordon indicated that this new arrangement would have a positive impact on his bottom line for 2007, while also maintaining his burgeoning waistline below forecast. However, he cautioned that the full impact of savings would only be realized in the coming fiscal year after the planned disposal of his North Pole complex. Market sentiment was mixed and the news was not warmly received by Gordon's reindeer who were seen picketing and calling for his immediate ouster.

Industry sources pointed out that Gordon was already embroiled in a bitter trade union dispute with his reindeer on the equitable distribution of milk and cookies. The situation has taken a turn for the worse with layoffs now expected thanks to the proposed business model. It is reliably learned that Gordon's new outsourcing partner would use a fleet of Bajaj three-wheeled vehicles for outbound logistics instead of the more traditional sleigh. This has proved to be a thorny issue during negotiations and a spokesdeer for the reindeer union said that talks had ended in a stalemate. He said that the union had expressed grave reservations regarding the environmental impact of Bajaj engines and called for an independent assessment by Nobel laureate Al Gore. The spokesdeer added that Gordon was vehemently opposed to this idea, allegedly fearing that Gore would reveal potentially inconvenient truths that might derail his dastardly plans.

When contacted by KNN, Kahuna said that Gordon was indeed moving forward given a conversation held shortly before:

Kahuna : You're up quite late. Are you doing a stock
         count of the toy inventory?
Gordon : Er no, I am backing up a database to be 
         sent to a clownette in Chennai.
Kahuna : The naughty and nice list for your 
         outsourced service provider no doubt X-(
Gordon : Bah X-(

He added that Gordon was counting on his controversial Global Cooling initiative to offset any impact on climate change.

In related news breaking from Connecticut, the Monster is expected to arrive in the tropics on the 25^th of December, fueling speculation that Gordon is handing over the reigns to his portly sibling. KNN has been unable to independently verify this claim with Gordon remaining tight-lipped about the matter.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, Darth Teddy is believed to be searching for his Santa hat for upcoming festivities. The anaconda keeper had not ruled out turning up in his birthday suit should the quest for headgear be thwarted.

And on that rather dodgy note, the Circus wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Way of the Buffalo

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- The award of the 2007 Nobel Prize in Physics to Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg for their independent discoveries of the quantum mechanical effect of giant magnetoresistance is indeed most appropriate. There is no question that IBM's subsequent invention of the giant magnetoresistive head and resulting miniaturization of hard disk drives led to the boom in high-capacity consumer electronic devices including the ubiquitous iPod.

It also offers much needed hope that some day, the quantum electodynamic principle of giant cabinetics would be likewise recognized with an appropriate award, preferably decorated with cacti and presented rectally.

In this continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy, we examine the science (yes, there appears to be a method to the madness) behind the construction of a cabinet. The mammoth proportions of the national cabinet have of course been well documented previously, along with more transparent alternatives. The Monster's First Law has also established that the Temple of the Monkey consists of monks and monkeys. A giant cabinet G, can be expressed mathematically as G = S ∪ X, where:

M is the set of incumbents of the Temple;

B is the Bovino number: i.e., the quantum of buffaloes (Bubalus bubalis spp.) needed to generate sufficient methane in 24 hours to cause the inner sanctum of the Temple to ignite with a customary pop upon application of a lit taper. Empirical evidence has established that B ≈ 50 when |M| → 225;

S is a proper subset of M, such that |S| ≥ B;

X is the executive set such that |X| = 1 by definition.

By convention, a giant cabinet consists of the crème de la crème (i.e., the scum) of the Temple, properly termed buffaloes. While monkeys exhibit fermion behavior, buffaloes are bosons and obey Bose-Einstein statistics. Consequently, members of a herd tend to occupy the same quantum state (usually a mud hole) to chew the cud while surrounded by a swarm of flies. Any productivity is purely accidental.

A giant cabinet likewise occupies a single quantum state and hogs all available resources to keep productivity in check. An attendant swarm of deputy monkeys and non-cabinet monkeys provide ancillary services. In the process, greenhouse gases are generated to melt the polar ice and form more mud holes. Thus is secured the survival of the species. Some experts believe that given sufficient time, the bogosity of a single giant cabinet could usher in a new Dark Age, if not an industrial fertilizer plant.

However, another school of thought believes that a giant cabinet is a special type of non-rotating black hole, with attraction so powerful that not even money can escape. The controversial Black Hole Theory of Governance suggests that buffaloes chewing cud in a circle would create a singularity that causes valuables to gravitate towards it to be siphoned off into numbered bank accounts. While there seems to be some evidence of missing funds, experimental evidence of an actual buffalo singularity remains as elusive as the Higgs boson.

Critics of the theory have also pointed out that the Schwarzchild radius of such an object would be improbably large. However, these concerns have done little to prevent the proponents of the theory from hazarding that the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy is actually caused by the Galactic Senate trying to order lunch.

And so the debate rages on; however, one thing remains certain: there is absolutely no shortage of buffaloes. Interested readers will find more buffoonery in our previous stories about parliarmentary bogocracy.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 3 - Claus for Concern

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Now that the Monster has officially ushered in the new year, we proceed with the business of clearing the backlog. It has come to our attention that Darth Teddy has been helping himself to um, Santa's little helpers. Shocking details below:

Kahuna      : Merry Christmas! I have awoken.
Darth Teddy : Ah, wish you the same. I was forced to
              awaken.
Kahuna      : By Santa?
Darth Teddy : I wish.
Kahuna      : Gah, I knew you had a thing for Rudolph!
Darth Teddy : More like for Santa's little helper.
Kahuna      : I thought they were all male X-(
Darth Teddy : Not in my world.
Kahuna      : "Darth Teddy admits to sordid tryst with
              Claus aide."
Darth Teddy : Now, now.
Kahuna      : Now we know what those reindeer games
              were all about X-(

Hibernation does not seem to have been on the agenda and Darth Teddy has not let his paws idle. We will continue to monitor this situation, which has clearly gotten out of hand.

No reindeer were harmed during this production, but we can't vouch for Santa's helpers.

Ushering in 2007 - New York Style!

10..09..08.. ..O1 Second to 2007 in Sri Lanka! (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


Happy New Year Sri Lanka! (Copyright © The Monster)


Christina Aguilera Entertaining the Crowd. (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


Rascal Flatts Entertaining the Crowd. (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

TIMES SQUARE, New York -- It was indeed a great sight to witness a New Year's countdown in honour of Colombo, Sri Lanka at the center of Times Square at 01.30 p.m. on New Year's Eve, 2006!

Unquotable Quotes - Part 28

The anaconda will now be fed. Repeatedly.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing a midnight snack.

By the Bezier Curve of Evil!

- Kahuna, resorting to complex geometry in an attempt to implicate Gordon in North Korea's nuclear test.

Must be busy cleaning up the fallout.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Gordon's non-availability on Yahoo Messenger.

Did you note that Kim's missiles reach the entire planet other than South America?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on Kim Jong-il's ICBM technology.

This would be very beneficial to the Korean takeaway industry.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a controversial application of long-range missile technology.

I heard Gordon is contemplating another test.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing concerns about Gordon's nefarious activities in North Korea.

Tehran to Ebenezer, come in Ebenezer.

- Kahuna to Gordon, predicting the inevitable overtures from Iran.

@#%%@#^@#%

- Gordon, on Kahuna's Iranian speculation.

Apparently Japan can be nuclear-capable in a long weekend.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, attempting to raise regional tensions.

We might have issues getting people together.

- Darth Teddy, vetoing Kahuna's proposal to tour Iran's nuclear facilities, sighting difficulty in herding cats.

Very well if it must. You will, however, make it advantageous to me.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told his antics must be blogged.

Smooch is not equal to hump.

- Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I will put it on leash if required.

- Kahuna, addressing Gordon's concerns about Darth Teddy becoming a handful during an excursion to the hills.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PANIC() PANIC() PANIC()

- Gordon, learning that Timmy the Ambidextrous had joined the Empire.

I could send a Korean subwoofer by ICBM if you like.

- Gordon, offering to surround Kahuna with an explosive Dolby Digital 6.1 experience.

Very soon your closet will be searchable by Google.

- Kahuna, issuing an ominous warning to Gordon.

I can also provide six pints of premium ice cream within seven minutes drive from your location; this will kill you.

- Kahuna to Gordon, plotting a deadly course to the nearest Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

I have a stock of these in the freezer.

- The Monster to Kahuna, admitting to stockpiling weapons of mass gluttony by Ben & Jerry.

You're resorting to the SriLankan Scarelines booking algorithm.

- Kahuna, learning of Darth Teddy's plans to offload passengers during an excursion to the hills.

Ah, I see you've arrived by the Liberator.

- Kahuna, acknowledging Darth's Ching's profile image on Yahoo Messenger.

Oooh! Someone old enough to recognize it!

- Darth Ching, noting Kahuna's recognition of the Liberator from the 1970's BBC TV series, Blake's 7.

Good lord, will this be rated R-18?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be writing a manual.

I recommend hiring goons to rough it up.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon to deal with the Monster after a botched intercontinental fund transfer.

I was going about my business ordering medicines when the incident occurred.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending Himself on being mistaken for physician.

There's a sulfurous stench in the air.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting a lightning strike on His lead-acid accumulators.

This is proof that you're in league with the devil.

- Gordon, implicating Kahuna by way of fire and brimstone precedent set by Hugo Chavez.

Why are you still in existence?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna's continued presence.

Someone has to look after the universe.

- Kahuna, in His own defense.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

- Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

You are destined to become a gaseous cloud and rotate around Saturn.

- Vandoofus, predicting a nebulous future for Kahuna.

I believe that means "den of thieves" according to Kahuna's 21^st Century Dictionary.

- Kahuna, on Horagolla.

He could shut down his fleet of aircraft for starters.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on Sir Richard Branson committing three billion dollars to combat global warming.

And you'll supply him with blimps?

- Kahuna, speculating on Gordon's alternative solution to Branson's turbojet aircraft.

These clowns do not seem to have blimps. Where did you get yours?

- Kahuna, seeking the supplier of Gordon's blimp, Fat One after learning that Mazda did not sell airships.

At Wal-Mart.

- Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his blimp supplier.

The Setting of Liberty

Sunset Liberty (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

BATTERY PARK CITY, New York - The Statue of Liberty seen through the water jets of a fountain at Battery Park in Manhattan.

Liberty Enlightening the World

The Face of Liberty (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


The Liberty Tablet (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

LIBERTY ISLAND, New Jersey - The detailed and overwhelming images of the French engineering marvel, The Statue of Liberty and the tablet having the Roman numeral incription of July 4, 1776, the day of America's Independence from Britain.

Captivating!

Head Colours (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

ARLINGTON, Virginia - A colourful souvenir stall at the Pentagon City Mall.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 27

Yes! The first insult on Messenger is mine!

- The Ex-Dictator, rejoicing upon calling Kahuna a “dingbat,” online.

You're quite badly equipped for someone claiming to be Kahuna.

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s omnipotence.

Those are my cables it’s happily cutting up.

- Gordon, fuming on being told of the Monster improvising power supply solutions for Kahuna.

Will you be taking liquids to Yala?

- Gordon to Kahuna, in an effort to impose travel restrictions.

I intend to generate gases as well.

- Kahuna, responding to Gordon’s proposed travel restrictions.

Clown Factor appears to be auto-balancing.

- Gordon, learning the Cookie Monster had arrived in the tropics to compensate for the departure of the Monster.

You’re photographing wild pussy now.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s leopard photography.

I've named my pet anaconda.

- Darth Teddy, pleading guilty to dodgy anthropomorphic personification.

Hmm, possibly not, but it might get its belly tickled.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on whether his anaconda would be fed.

You’re posting images of naked animals: this is an invasion of their privacy.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for wildlife photography in the Yala.

You're free to clothe them at your own expense.

- Kahuna, proposing a solution to Gordon’s privacy fears.

Sports mode indeed; those animals are not playing anything.

- Gordon, taking a dark view of Kahuna using sports mode on His EOS 30D for wildlife photography.

You’re mucking about on the Internet without clearing all possible barriers to entering the aircraft.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s online presence at the airport.

Probably due to too much smooching; if not, mounting.

- Kahuna, diagnosing the cause behind Darth Teddy’s cold.

You will note clowns at Sony are causing explosions all over the planet.

- Kahuna, on Sony’s unstable lithium-ion battery technology.

I bet they won't allow Dell laptops on aircraft now.

- Gordon, extrapolating the consequences of Sony’s battery fiasco.

What do the park animals think of the wildlife you traveled with?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on His traveling companions in the Yala.

I blame the leopard for not finishing you lot off.

- Gordon, expressing frustration at the continued existence of Kahuna et al.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Darth Teddy, reacting to Kahuna’s threat of being made to watch Brokeback Mountain beside Timmy the Ambidextrous.

This reminds me of The Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by Van Klomp.

- Gordon, critiquing Kahuna’s Ox-Eye Daisy.

The senate has ratified your appointment as Creature of Insufficient Light. You didn't have enough brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

- Kahuna, informing Gordon of his latest appointment.

I was mistaken for a medical practitioner.

- Kahuna, admitting to involuntary malpractice.

It seems a performance of the Rite of the Polecat is called for.

- Kahuna, planning to summon an absconding Gordon by means of black magic.

See, if they taught polymorphism like that, you think I would have forgotten?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on a highly explicit tutorial on object-oriented programming.

Bah, I powered you in the middle of the jungle if you recall.

- Gordon to Kahuna, refuting allegations of being outdated.

Did you dress up as Big Bird, given your background in volumetric ornithology?

- Kahuna, quizzing Gordon’s dress code during his offspring’s birthday party.

You'll probably get shot with this thing.

- Gordon, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

You think it can hold a Scud launch module?

- The Monster, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

I believe they're short of a prophet in Colorado.

- Kahuna, noting a vacancy arising from the arrest of Warren Jeffs.

Do they still offer the Escalade and the laptops?

- Gordon, considering the offer and clarifying the perquisites.

Hmm, there was an idiot with a dubious accent that called, but it was daytime here.

- Gordon, recollecting a nuisance call from the Ex-Dictator in what the latter believed to be the wee hours of Eastern Daylight Time.

Your time zone calculations have been bungled.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling a nuisance call.

Obviously, clowns from your company made the calculations.

- Kahuna, in his own defense.

I am currently getting shock absorbers replaced.

- Darth Teddy, reporting on the need for vehicular overhaul after a particularly vigorous Feast of the Anaconda.

GITT Mk III has a gyro.

- Gordon, disclosing inertial navigation capabilities in his flagship automobile.

Your attempt to have GITT Mk III classified as an aircraft—fraudulently—is noted: “my car has a gyro and thus inertial navigation and thus it’s a plane.”

- Kahuna, predicting Gordon’s reasoning to enter the civil aviation industry.

[Her Royal Highness] has left the room; do you want to give me a smooch now?

- Huggles, furtively soliciting favors from Kahuna.