The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 23: The Way of the Highly Effective (Featuring Miss Piggy)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Greetings, carbon-based and other lifeforms! We're back after many months of peace and quiet—just when you thought it safe to venture out. While we apologize for absconding, we must point out in our own defense that global bogosity has reached unprecedented levels, necessitating a full manual override of the planet. This, you will no doubt appreciate, is a potentially perilous proposition punctuated by petulant porcupines. Not to mention cacti on ballistic trajectories and medical practitioners armed with flashlights.

Fortunately, despite these goings on, Kahuna and Professor Gordon found the time to have one of their infamous conversations last December. This time, they ended up defining a new unit of measure that was, in hindsight, desperately needed:

Kahuna (K): A clown looked at my National ID Card and commented that I look like KT Frog X-(
Gordon (G): This is appropriate.
K: X-(
K: Thump(), mode=miss_piggy
G: Hi-ya?
K: Precisely X-(
G: Are you in drag X-(
K: No X-(
G: I see; I was just curious given the Miss Piggy emulation.
K: That was merely to thump you; You have to admit she was quite effective.
G: Indeed.
K: This could be a unit of measure.
G: The Piggy?
K: The Piggy.
G: As a measure of effectiveness?
K: Hmm, or force.
G: Force is already established by Newton, Pascal et al X-(
K: So? X-(
G: There is no unit for effectiveness.
K: And how would this be defined X-(
G: If you get the job done, that's 1 Piggy.
K: Get the job done? X-(
G: Indeed. For example, B Obama's campaign manager gets 1.36 Pg.
K: And McCain's? X-(
G: -1 Pg
K: I see X-(
G: This HeatSync^® 2500 Mini-Client gets 1.223 Pg for creating tanha.
K: And GWB?
G: About 0.68 Pg, I think.

While Kahuna would question Gordon's unduly generous assessment of George W Bush, few would dare challenge the credentials of Miss Piggy—reputed to hold a pink belt in Pig Wan Do—when it comes to thumping people. Among her many victims have been Kermit and Gonzo, Tony Randall, an environmental inspector and even some cat burglers. It is, therefore, indeed apt that the Piggy (Pg) be named in her honor as the new international (SI) unit for measurement of effectiveness.

Unidentified, self-proclaimed pundits speaking to KNN said that this announcement could not have come at a better time given the prevailing heights of global bogosity. They added that Kahuna and Professor Gordon are no strangers to the dark art of quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. More than eight years ago, Professor Gordon formally declared the Kern (Kn) to be standard unit for measurement of Clown Factor (CF).

The Muppet Show, created by the late Jim Henson, is as funny today as it was when it debuted more than thirty years ago, long before the use of computers in animation and special effects. His characters also appeared on the long-running children's television series, Sesame Street. The muppets' tribute to Henson at his funeral was later described in a LIFE Magazine article by Stephanie Harrigan as an epic and almost unbearably moving event.

Here's to Jim Henson and his puppeteers!

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 20: Of Tuning Forks and Chainsaws

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Hello, here we are once again. Kahuna is still incapacitated due to what has now been identified as a malfunction in cranial nerve V. He has been prescribed medication with side-effects seemingly more dangerous than His ailment, possibly an indication that the medical profession is out to get Him. The perception of sound a semitone lower than the actual pitch is among some of the more exotic of these side-effects. This bit of information led an early morning squabble with Professor Gordon:

Kahuna (K): Wallop()
Gordon (G): The bipolar tone-deaf idiot X-(
K: I will feed you iron filings and send you for an MRI scan X-(
G: I will drive you nuts with a tuning fork :-P
K: Do you know what I'll do to you with your tuning fork? X-(
G: Given your bipolar nature, it's quite difficult to predict :-D
K: Good, I'll have the element of surprise >:-)
G: Retard X-(
K: Heh heh heh.

Readers would probably be relieved to learn that Kahuna does not suffer from a bipolar disorder as alleged by Gordon. His perception of 261.626 Hz as middle C also remains unchanged at the time of writing. Despite a rather rocky start, the discussion soon moved into more important topics; namely, Gordon's plans to host a family reunion in the continental United States:

G: In other news PO, MO and Cl Sibling are plotting a visit to these parts.
K: What steps will you take to counterbalance the global CF^[1] shift?
G: The Monster may also converge on Atlanta.
K: Should I repeat my question? X-(
G: I might have to send Vandoofus to Madagascar to compensate.
K: Madagascar? I believe it is currently mucking about in New Zealand X-(
G: Ah, in that case we have balance.
K: A precarious one if you ask me: someone farting at the CNN Center could easily upset the whole thing.
G: PO's acquisition of a chainsaw sent his CF through the roof.
K: And you want Vandoofus to compensate? X-(
G: Vandoofus's CF was established sans power tools. If he gets a power tool, we'll have to cover him in concrete à la Chernobyl X-(
K: Are you sure PO won't pack his chainsaw? X-(
G: Er no, however, he might acquire upgrades at the Home Depot X-(
K: I didn't realize a concrete sarcophagus could contain CF X-(
G: Would you like to be encased in one to disprove the theory?
K: Bah, nonsense: the burden of proof is upon you; it will be joined by a medium-sized hippo if you're not careful.
G: Hippos are quite violent X-(
K: Precisely. I'm counting on it to take offence at the arrangements right from the outset.

[After a considerable pause]

K: Did it finish you off? :-P
G: Er no, I am gathering documents for the Hon Consul X-(

The discussion was adjourned, thereafter, on account of the late hour in Alpharetta. No hippopotomi were harmed during this production. However, Kahuna reserves the right to deal with Gordon using a badly tuned grand piano.

^[1] For the uninitiated, CF means Clown Factor, a quantification of the clown nature. The SI unit for measurement of CF is the Kern (Kn) and interested readers will find more details in ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 15 - The Way of the Frog

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- What do frogs and Richard Branson have in common? Not much, but if you leave it to Kahuna and Professor Gordon, anything is possible. Today we present a vividly chromatic conversation that went completely out of control and resulted in the manifestation of wildlife in a manner that defied probability.

To provide the right context, we ought to point out that Kahuna was in the habit of distributing interesting websites to Gordon and others. We begin just after Kahuna had passed on an yet another URL to Gordon, much to the latter's frustration:

Gordon : Looks like the link server is up :-l
Kahuna : Without me you'd be a FITW.
Gordon : And this is some sort of F2F network? X-(
Kahuna : F2F?
Gordon : Frog-to-Frog X-(
         Ribbit X-(
Kahuna : Apparently the correct way to make frog
         sounds is to go "BREK-KEK-KEK."
Gordon : From the frog’s mouth :-P
Kahuna : It is quite a good simulation by R P
         Feynman.
Kahuna : BTW, did you note the Branson's aircraft?
Gordon : Er, indeed.
Kahuna : Ethernet to every seat X-(
         And the flight entertainment system is
         running on Red Hat.
Gordon : Indeed. To entertain your black ass.
Kahuna : I believe you were caught red-handed
         engaging in black magic not long ago :-P
Gordon : White lies.
Kahuna : I see you're displaying the yellow feather.
Gordon : I'll show you the red card if you don’t
         watch it.
Kahuna : You're getting quite blue in the face
         aren't you?
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm quite close to giving you a
         black eye.
Kahuna : You're going green with envy X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm looking pink and fresh with
         apologies to Lieutenant Gruber.
Kahuna : You'll be quite pale and white if you don't
         watch it by Monsieur Alfonse X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm quite alive by the Red Hot
         Chili Peppers.
Kahuna : You will end up embalmed in the Red Square
         à la Comrade Lenin X-(
Gordon : And for you, it'll be the Black Death by
         Speedy Gonzales.
Kahuna : The Yellow Submarine will be your tomb by
         the Beatles X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'll make a quick getaway in my
         Little Red Corvette.
Gordon : And I'll let the air out of the Pink
         Cadillac lest you follow :-p
Kahuna : Your getaway car will end up in the Blue
         Bayou :-p
Gordon : Nope, I'll be on Yellow Brick Road.
Kahuna : I will have you encased in amber X-(
Gordon : I'll set the Red Army upon you.
Kahuna : Blackguard X-(
Gordon : Red Indian X-(

[Considerable pause]

Gordon : Have you blacked out? :-D
Kahuna : Er no, a frog materialized X-(
         I'm trying to get rid of it.
Gordon : [ROTFL]
Kahuna : [FUME]
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : He's probably looking for a mate [SNICKER]
Kahuna : I will beat you black and blue X-(
Gordon : [GUFFAW]^100
         That was the most hilarious coincidence on
         the planet :-p This whole fiasco started
         with a frog.
Kahuna : Heh Heh, indeed [ROTFL]
         I believe this will be The Way of the Frog.

And so it was to be. A frog did indeed manifest itself in Kahuna's chambers, bypassing the security layer enforced by His household canine and feline subsystems. The intruder was, however, escorted out of the premises shortly afterwards in a container class.

This incident leads us to suspect that large clowns can influence reality by virtue of their clown factor. Kahuna intends to carry out further research into this phenomenon, this time with elephants instead of frogs. It was not immediately clear if the arch-zoologist Professor Gordon would also be taking part in the study.

Incidentally, Kahuna, who was known to speak fluent sheep, learned to croak a long time ago when He read a review of Richard Feynman's autobiography, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!^[1] in Discover magazine. Feynman himself had learned it from The Frogs, a comedy written by Aristophanes and first performed in 405 BC. Never one to stand on ceremony, Feynman recounts putting his croaking skills to good use after winning the 1965 Nobel Prize in Physics:

People told me that there was a rule in Sweden that after you accept the Prize, you have to back away from the king without turning around. You come down some steps, accept the Prize, and then go back up the steps. So I said to myself, "All right, I'm gonna fix them!"—and I practiced jumping up stairs, backwards, to show how ridiculous their custom was. I was in a terrible mood! That was stupid and silly, of course. I found out this wasn't a rule any more; you could turn around when you left the king, and walk like a normal human being, in the direction you were intending to go, with your nose in front.

I was pleased to find that not all the people in Sweden take the royal ceremonies as seriously as you might think. When you get there, you discover that they're on your side. The students had, for example, a special ceremony in which they granted each Nobel-Prize-winner the special "Order of the Frog." When you get this little frog, you have to make a frog noise. When I was younger I was anti-culture, but my father had some good books around. One was a book with the old Greek play The Frogs in it, and I glanced at it one time and I saw in there that a frog talks. It was written as "brek, kek, kek." I thought, "No frog ever made a sound like that; that's a crazy way to describe it!" so I tried it, and after practicing it awhile, I realized that it's very accurately what a frog says. So my chance glance into a book by Aristophanes turned out to be useful, later on: I could make a good frog noise at the students' ceremony for the Nobel-Prize-winners! And jumping backwards fit right in, too. So I liked that part of it; that ceremony went well.

There is no doubt that in addition to his contribution to physics, Richard Feynman was also one of the largest buffoons ever to walk the planet. His autobiographies^[1][2]—which deal with such eclectic topics as the Manhattan Project, lock-picking, safe-cracking, topless bars, bongo playing, Mayan hieroglyphics and the investigation into the Challenger disaster—are strongly recommended.

Meanwhile, Richard Branson has seen it fit to redefine the aviation industry in North America with his new airline, Virgin America. Not only will power outlets be provided at cruise altitude, but also USB and Ethernet. The competition can expect to have their collective asses whipped when widespread services commence.

On that disturbing note, we leave you for now. Please note that no frogs were harmed during this production.

^[1] Feynman, Richard et.al. "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!". New York: W.W. Norton, 1997.
^[2] Feynman, Richard. What Do You Care What Other People Think?. Boston: Unwin Hyman, 1988.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 27

Yes! The first insult on Messenger is mine!

- The Ex-Dictator, rejoicing upon calling Kahuna a “dingbat,” online.

You're quite badly equipped for someone claiming to be Kahuna.

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s omnipotence.

Those are my cables it’s happily cutting up.

- Gordon, fuming on being told of the Monster improvising power supply solutions for Kahuna.

Will you be taking liquids to Yala?

- Gordon to Kahuna, in an effort to impose travel restrictions.

I intend to generate gases as well.

- Kahuna, responding to Gordon’s proposed travel restrictions.

Clown Factor appears to be auto-balancing.

- Gordon, learning the Cookie Monster had arrived in the tropics to compensate for the departure of the Monster.

You’re photographing wild pussy now.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s leopard photography.

I've named my pet anaconda.

- Darth Teddy, pleading guilty to dodgy anthropomorphic personification.

Hmm, possibly not, but it might get its belly tickled.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on whether his anaconda would be fed.

You’re posting images of naked animals: this is an invasion of their privacy.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for wildlife photography in the Yala.

You're free to clothe them at your own expense.

- Kahuna, proposing a solution to Gordon’s privacy fears.

Sports mode indeed; those animals are not playing anything.

- Gordon, taking a dark view of Kahuna using sports mode on His EOS 30D for wildlife photography.

You’re mucking about on the Internet without clearing all possible barriers to entering the aircraft.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s online presence at the airport.

Probably due to too much smooching; if not, mounting.

- Kahuna, diagnosing the cause behind Darth Teddy’s cold.

You will note clowns at Sony are causing explosions all over the planet.

- Kahuna, on Sony’s unstable lithium-ion battery technology.

I bet they won't allow Dell laptops on aircraft now.

- Gordon, extrapolating the consequences of Sony’s battery fiasco.

What do the park animals think of the wildlife you traveled with?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on His traveling companions in the Yala.

I blame the leopard for not finishing you lot off.

- Gordon, expressing frustration at the continued existence of Kahuna et al.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Darth Teddy, reacting to Kahuna’s threat of being made to watch Brokeback Mountain beside Timmy the Ambidextrous.

This reminds me of The Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by Van Klomp.

- Gordon, critiquing Kahuna’s Ox-Eye Daisy.

The senate has ratified your appointment as Creature of Insufficient Light. You didn't have enough brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

- Kahuna, informing Gordon of his latest appointment.

I was mistaken for a medical practitioner.

- Kahuna, admitting to involuntary malpractice.

It seems a performance of the Rite of the Polecat is called for.

- Kahuna, planning to summon an absconding Gordon by means of black magic.

See, if they taught polymorphism like that, you think I would have forgotten?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on a highly explicit tutorial on object-oriented programming.

Bah, I powered you in the middle of the jungle if you recall.

- Gordon to Kahuna, refuting allegations of being outdated.

Did you dress up as Big Bird, given your background in volumetric ornithology?

- Kahuna, quizzing Gordon’s dress code during his offspring’s birthday party.

You'll probably get shot with this thing.

- Gordon, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

You think it can hold a Scud launch module?

- The Monster, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

I believe they're short of a prophet in Colorado.

- Kahuna, noting a vacancy arising from the arrest of Warren Jeffs.

Do they still offer the Escalade and the laptops?

- Gordon, considering the offer and clarifying the perquisites.

Hmm, there was an idiot with a dubious accent that called, but it was daytime here.

- Gordon, recollecting a nuisance call from the Ex-Dictator in what the latter believed to be the wee hours of Eastern Daylight Time.

Your time zone calculations have been bungled.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling a nuisance call.

Obviously, clowns from your company made the calculations.

- Kahuna, in his own defense.

I am currently getting shock absorbers replaced.

- Darth Teddy, reporting on the need for vehicular overhaul after a particularly vigorous Feast of the Anaconda.

GITT Mk III has a gyro.

- Gordon, disclosing inertial navigation capabilities in his flagship automobile.

Your attempt to have GITT Mk III classified as an aircraft—fraudulently—is noted: “my car has a gyro and thus inertial navigation and thus it’s a plane.”

- Kahuna, predicting Gordon’s reasoning to enter the civil aviation industry.

[Her Royal Highness] has left the room; do you want to give me a smooch now?

- Huggles, furtively soliciting favors from Kahuna.

Vandoofus Readies for South American Tour

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- KNN learns that Senior Clown St Vandoofus will be departing on an expedition to Ecuador tomorrow, in his official capacity as the first representative from the Circus to visit South America.

According to the latest flight plans, Vandoofus will be landing unsupervised at the Simón Bolívar International Airport in the coastal city of Santiago de Guayaquil. It is understood that he will be gracing a wedding ceremony during his tour of the country. However, his intended presence during the honeymoon remains controversial.

Vandoofus will also be visiting the capital city of Quito, located on the eastern slopes of Pinchincha, an active stratovolcano. At an elevation of 9,300 feet (2,850 meters) above sea level, Quito happens to be the second-highest capital city in the world, after La Paz in Bolivia. The latent tectonic activity of the region and the high Clown Factor (CF) of Vandoofus have prompted Kahuna to issue an advisory noting a statistically significant Potential for Disaster (PFD). The conversation below is presented as evidence:

Kahuna    : Are you gonna climb Pichincha?
Vandoofus : :-S
Vandoofus : Should I?
Vandoofus : What is there?
Kahuna    : Yeah, it’s an active volcano
Kahuna    : Quito is on the eastern slope
Vandoofus : Ah
Vandoofus : Hmm
Kahuna    : "Active" being the key word here
Vandoofus : If it doesn't require strenuous activity 
            I might climb
Vandoofus : X-(
Vandoofus : So you think its going to go off when 
            I am there?
Vandoofus : X-(
Kahuna    : Yeah... Your CF might trigger it... I'm 
            calculating the odds now
Vandoofus : X-(

In related anecdotal evidence, Kahuna revealed that Vandoofus was caught smoking at high altitude a decade ago during an ascent of Thotupola, the third-highest peak in Sri Lanka.

After the close of South American tour, it is believed that the globe-trotting Vandoofus would have trampled all continents underfoot other than Antarctica. Kahuna is rumored to be evaluating a proposal to airdrop Vandoofus in his underwear at McMurdo Station.

Vandoofus—busy packing and brushing up on his Spanish—was not available for comment.

Circus Update - Buffoonery Continues

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Bart the Oblivious and St Vandoofus have been re-exported to the opposite ends of the contiguous United States, considerably reducing local Clown Factor (CF) in Sri Lanka. The Peacemaker, however, is at large and appears to be on the offensive.

The Circus is now open for business with a new blog template that has considerably irked Professor Gordon. The portly one has purportedly discovered a thermocline in his bathtub and was not available for immediate comment. Despite these misgivings, the new template has been endorsed by both Vandoofus and the Monster. However, the Monster will be thumped with a large gamma-correction for suggesting that it is too bright.

In political news, enlightened members of the general public were seen armed with broomsticks to greet species of governing monkey of revolutionary disposition. The philosophy of comrade Lenin was ignominiously scuttled to make a hasty retreat and preserve the unholy posterior. Kahuna and Professor Gordon issued a rare joint statement applauding the public action and called for the establishment of the Most Noble Order of the Idala. Detractors, who criticized the statement as being tantamount to legalization of witchcraft, have been offered a knighthood in the proposed Order. The broomstick futures market sky-rocketed during the day's trading, prompting some investors to make a clean sweep.

In related news, Kahuna has proposed that all astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics be cast into the sea under a new memorandum of understanding entered into with Poseidon. Kahuna declined to provide further details of the arrangement, but indicated that His proposals were concrete. Analysts admitted that the medium-term forecast for the industry remained uncertain.

In other news, Utter Buffoonery (UB) has been reported from Menace Mansions, home of the newly betrothed Menace (aka Her Royal Highness) and Huggles. Attempts to construct the traditional milk rice in a rice cooker have been completely bungled by the non-standard use of the steamer attachment. A KNN camera crew which infiltrated the premises has obtained exclusive footage of the debacle. These will be revealed in due course at considerable risk to personal safety.

ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor

GENEVA, Switzerland -- In a surprise move the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) today re-issued an advisory first released three years ago announcing the SI unit for Clown Factor.

Geneva, May 2001 (AFP) -- The International Organization for Standardization today announced the Kern as the international (SI) unit for measuring Clown Factor. This follows the naming of [NHHOTPTG]^* Kern as the International Reference Clown, following extensive research and observations at its off-shore facilities. The Kern will be abbreviated Kn to avoid confusion with other SI units.

The previous unit of Clown Factor, the Druvi (D) will still be used in countries that follow the Imperial system of units. The following conversion factors are provided for reference:

                  1 Druvi = 10-4 Kern

      conversely, 1 Kern = 10,000 Druvi

All measures were taken where ambient Relative Bogosity was 0.46

This implies that the new Reference Clown (RC) is 10,000 times a bigger clown than the previous RC, Druvi(nda) [NHHOTPTG]. Although shocking, these values are deemed quite accurate, and the ISO provides the following factors which led to these high readings of the Kern.

1. The chances of people around a clown of 1 Kern getting thumped are definitely 10,000 times higher than those around a clown of 1 Druvi.
2. A clown of 1 Kern demonstrates adverse alcohol-seeking qualities, as opposed to a 1-Druvi clown which has never been observed near booze.
3. The chances of being involved in a motor accident are 10,000 times higher with a 1-Kern clown over a 1-Druvi clown at the wheel.
4. A 1-Kern clown exhibits strange sexual attraction to inanimate objects such as furniture, the last encountered 1-Kern clown was seen seeking crevices in a table.
5. A 1-Kern clown exhibits disturbing homophilic behavior.
6. A 1-Kern clown sings 10,000 times worse than a 1-Druvi clown, and since levels were quite bad at 1-Druvi, 1-Kern is unimaginably painful.
7. A 1-Kern clown will emit foul language in an infinite loop. 1-Druvi clowns are not known for foul language.
8. A 1-Kern clown practises racial ambiguity in a most disturbing manner.

It is widely believed that the notorious Professor Gordon may have conducted research on behalf of the ISO in 2001 and indeed authored the original advisory. Gordon was not available for comment on these latest allegations.

^*NHHOTPTG = Name Half-Heartedly Obfuscated to Protect the Guilty

ALERT!! Bogosity Concentration

GREATER, Africa -- Many countries in Africa today have been in a state of emergency following reports that the CFI (Clown Factor Index) of the region has increased exponentially over the past few days. In an unprecedented move of co-operation the African nations have all banded together to investigate this strange phenomenon. Even the warring factions in Ivory Coast have set aside their differences and focused on this new threat.

Kahuna(big) has stated in his address to the free people of the planet, that incidents initiated by the mega corp in Malabe has resulted in this buffoonery. In a bid to balance the CF in the west side of Africa it is reported that a big clown (alias JCR IV), 4^th generation in a family of big clowns and his accomplice (hereafter referred to as the accomplice) have been dispatched to the east side of Africa. Apparently many in the continent have been terrified by an alleged invitation by the accomplice sent across the continent to kiss his er... behind. According to research carried out by Kahuna, these incidents have compounded the CF in the region and is nearing proportions similar to those seen of late in the Bogus States of America.

There have been no new developments on the African/German conspiracy blogged earlier, and analysts remain clueless regarding this matter, although they have welcomed the new developments in the region as a convenient excuse to focus their attention elsewhere.

In other unrelated news it is reported that Kenya has finally bogotified their country beyond all hope by jumping on the technology band wagon after many unsuccessful attempts. They have apparently automated the country's securities depository. It is suspected that the 4^th generation clown and the accomplice may have had a hand in this. Neither of them were available for comment at the time of writing but are suspected of hiding under hotel beds.

I've let Doofi in here against my better judgement. All hell could break loose now given the already high clown factor.