Sweet Stuff

 
Sweet Stuff (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna) 

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- A bowl containing sachets of sugar and sweetener at the Cinnamon Grand's Coffee Stop caught the Eye of Kahuna, when He was lounging around with St Vandoofus and Catbert after a meal at The Lagoon.

Captured on 20^th July 2008 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8). 

Bogusan Idol

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- During a routine intelligence review conducted a few weeks ago, percussive taxidermist Professor Ebenezer Gordon discovered that known clowns Darth Teddy and Catbert had both secretly participated in what appeared to be an Imperial talent contest. Gordon promptly alerted Kahuna realizing the potential for enormous buffoonery. Kahuna agreed wholeheartedly with the arch-technologist's assessment of the situation and decided to refer to the contest as Bogusan Idol.

At his audition, Darth Teddy had performed Joshua Kadison's 1993 piano rock hit, Jessie. The BMI Award winning song echoes Kadison's turbulent relationship with actress Sarah Jessica Parker in the early 90s and also features their cat Moses. Gordon's agents succeeded in obtaining footage of Darth Teddy's performance and this was duly passed on to Kahuna. Eye-witnesses said that the Bear's performance was highly rated. Darth Teddy is believed to have crooned his way into many a heart in the past and Kahuna reiterated that allegedly cuddly one was a serious risk to female members of the general public. The Teddy Threat Level has consequently been raised to prowling.

Meanwhile, Former Reference Clown Catbert—well known in Gospel music circles—had re-invented himself as hip hop superstar LL Droov J and joined a group calling themselves the Deranged Bulls, or possibly the Rampaging Bulls. Accounts differ as to the precise name of the ensemble, but eye-witnesses agreed that strange hand gestures and hitherto alien dance moves were exhibited during their performance. Music industry insiders said the group should more appropriately have been called the Mad Cows.

Sadly, the rest of the world may never see the bovines in action: video evidence of group's maiden performance has vanished under mysterious circumstances. It is suspected that LL Droov J has used his considerable powers to suppress the evidence before it ended up on YouTube, thereby precipitating a potential Bullgate scandal. In what appears to be a crucial link, footage of the rapper's solo performance in the Bogusan Idol contest is also missing.

Kahuna held a press conference earlier today and commended Gordon's intelligence network for prompt action in gathering the crucial evidence. He added that Darth Teddy was taken by surprise when confronted with crooning in the first degree. The Bear was allegedly on a pizza sampling expedition north of the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo at the time. LL Droov J had been greatly alarmed when informed of the existence of video footage and had vowed that he would take all possible steps destroy the evidence. Although, the rapper appears to have succeeded, Kahuna said that He would be deploying a team of magnetic tape-seeking dogs to get to the bottom of the matter.

KNN continues to monitor this developing story.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 31

Is your mother still blissfully unaware of your tattoo?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy on the status of mandatory disclosures.

Would you like your nipple pierced?

— Darth Teddy, attempting to lure Kahuna to the Dark Side.

You might get excommunicated due to inactivity.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the severe consequences of not blogging.

What dastardly plans have you hatched under the darkness of covers?

— Kahuna, suspecting Darth Teddy of misbehaving beneath the sheets.

I smell nuts.

— Darth Teddy, announcing intent to hunt.

It's so much easier with men.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on successful hunting after his recent policy reversal.

By the way, I will be coming home with you today.

— Darth Teddy, disclosing nefarious designs on Kahuna.

If you have no more use of your gonads, we could go for the cheese.

— Kahuna, noting the price of the cheese platter might require Darth Teddy to pawn no-longer-needed parts of his anatomy.

I don't recall a wolf.

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna's plans to blog about the Way of the Wolf.

I am hungry, bitch; make me some food.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, demanding service in the wee hours of the morning.

Do you realize how much money Durex is loosing each night you don't hump?

— Kahuna, expressing concern over Darth Teddy's uncustomary celibacy.

You're causing a decline in the latex futures market.

— Kahuna, predicting dire economic implications from Darth Teddy's continued abstinence.

You are associating with the wrong types: look at that boy's hair.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's excessively long hair.

It's attempting to use X-ray technology to look under female undergarments.

— Kahuna to Gordon, revealing the Hobbit's plan to use NightShot technology for purposes other than those envisaged by Sony.

In other words, it's trying to catch some bird in the nude unbeknown.

— Gordon to Kahuna, establishing the Hobbit's modus operandi.

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

It's not as effective as I expected it to be.

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, revealing disappointing results after field-testing Sony's NightShot technology under dubious conditions.

Why do they fix this stupid IR filter in front?

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, expressing annoyance with Sony's design of the Cybershot DSC-V1 digital camera.

Will this become Bogusan Idol?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the future of an Imperial talent contest.

Sirasa Super Tart.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the Imperial talent contest if Darth Teddy had anything to do with it.

Send it to me as well, please.

— Darth Teddy, requesting Kahuna for incriminating video evidence of himself dug up by Gordon's global spy network.

Oh she's prayed over your email address; bless your soul.

— Kahuna, noting that Mrs Moses had prayed over an email to Gordon.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

I believe ET faced similar problems.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unable to call home due to a busy signal.

I tell you, QA clowns are from the planet Zork.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure with QA.

I thought they were from Uranus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, challenging the origin of QA.

Plus you can have Playboy on-demand.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on compelling reasons to live in the Land of the Free.

It looks like a chicken in that headgear.

— Gordon to Kahuna, commenting on the Ex-Dictator's turban.

I'm Kahuna; I cannot be explained.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to explain Himself.

Catbert is quite fat.

— Gordon, calling Catbert fat.

Are you suggesting it ain't over till the fat man sings?

— Kahuna, querying if Gordon expected Catbert to perform an aria in full Valkyrie outfit.

I will pose as Snoop Dogg.

— Gordon to Kahuna, outlining his plans to obtain an Amex Centurion Card.

You might have better luck as Dr Evil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a more appropriate masquerade.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

— Vandoofus, in a wedding message to the Ex-Dictator.

You could add that we have an air bed, depending on the seriousness of the faces.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to deliver a wedding message to the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator.

That might cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

— Kahuna, questioning the aunt-safeness of Gordon's wedding message.

That's a highly dodgy use of a semicolon.

— Kahuna, pausing to critique Darth Teddy's punctuation.

When I'm through with you, your anaconda will need a splint.

— Kahuna, proposing to cramp Darth Teddy's style.

I don't misbehave; it's just that you under-behave.

- Darth Teddy, blaming Kahuna for sub-standard behavior.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

Yup, stainless. Until I come that is; then there are stains.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, contending that his equipment was cast from industrial-grade stainless steel.

No, I like the heat generated.

— Vandoofus, dismissing Kahuna's recommendation of industrial-grade lubricant.

Hugo! Hugo! Hugo!

— Kahuna, riling Gordon by routing for Hugo Chavez.

I was feeling much better in the afternoon and took a bath.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining the circumstances behind his relapse.

As your doctor, I recommend that you be shot.

— Kahuna, writing Gordon a fatal prescription.

Speaking of Sony, I just discovered my TV runs Linux.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unwittingly bound by the GNU General Public License.

This is a violation of your MOU with Redmond.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of double-crossing Redmond.

I will now calculate the total number of speakers I am accountable for around the planet.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attempting to proclaim a sinister new definition of surround sound.

Sixty-three.

— Gordon's Answer to the Question of the Tweeter, the Squawker and the Woofer.

UQ is becoming quite U.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing concern about Unquotable Quotes.

I'm changing to Morse code to be safe.

— Her Royal Highness, learning that Kahuna would be publishing a new edition of Unquotable Quotes.

We'll soon have to put an adult filter on that thing.

— Her Royal Highness, threatening to censor Unquotable Quotes.

The Toast or How the Groom was Spared

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Much buffoonery was unleashed at the recently concluded nuptials of the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator. At the request of the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna made a keynote speech at the venue. Wide-ranging restrictions were placed on what Kahuna could actually say, thanks to the vast troves of photographic and other evidence gathered by Him over a period in excess of a decade. It is understood that an entire year was embargoed. However, most observers agree that the evidence was indeed decadent and might possibly cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

Unfortunately for the groom, his sibling turned out to be a bigger menace than Kahuna. When a multimedia projector and screen mysteriously turned up at the the venue, the groom broke up in a cold sweat and feared the worst. To his credit, he did had the presence of mind to steal the video cable. This was only returned after guarantees that Kahuna had nothing to do with it.

But, we digress. When Kahuna reflected upon the set of all information about the groom and subtracted the set of embargoed topics, His Holy Venn Diagram returned a null set. Perturbed, Kahuna engaged the services of Vandoofus, Gordon, Huggles and Associates to put a spin on things. The global PR firm wasted no time and left no stone unturned in going about this task. They ended up with enough dirt to bury the groom. So much for that idea.

St Vandoofus in particular offered many unbloggable anecdotes about the Ex-Dictator's colorful^[1] past. Some, like stories of suspicious rock-climbing expeditions^[2] and exploding automobiles^[3] were decidedly aunt-unsafe^[4]. Others were profound in their uselessness. One conversation with Vandoofus went like this:

Vandoofus : The Ex-Dictator and I hit the charts with
            the release of our version of Banks of
            the Ohio.
Kahuna    : Banks of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Ya.
Kahuna    : A murder ballad? X-(
Vandoofus : I asked my love to take a walk.
Kahuna    : To take a walk? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, just a little walk.
Kahuna    : Down beside where the waters flow? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, down by the banks...
Kahuna    : Of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Yup yup.
Kahuna    : And only say that you'll be mine? X-(
Kahuna    : Great, this is not what I want to picture
            X-(
Vandoofus : But, it was a hit.
Kahuna    : I'm sure.

Kahuna considers himself fortunate not being in the audience when the aforementioned duet was performed. Vandoofus finally decided to send a message of felicitation to the Ex-Dictator:

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

Professor Gordon also sent felicitations and invited the newly betrothed to his stronghold in Alpharetta. His offer letter threw in an air-bed for good measure. Earlier in the day, Gordon had interrupted the registration proceedings with a personal phone call to the bride and groom. Huggles and Her Royal Highness meanwhile sent cryptic marital advice that appears to have been heavily influenced by the prevailing heat down under.

Kahuna finally decided to ditch them all and play it by ear without also incriminating Himself in the process. He ended up delivering a speech that He considered quite tame by His usual standards. The Ex-Dictator was nonetheless seen fidgeting and wiping his brow during the spine-chilling moments Kahuna spent with a microphone.

However in the end, everything went well. The groom survived the night and the aunts were spared. Catbert provided comic relief and Darth Teddy tried to get Kahuna intoxicated. On that note, we end this episode our continuing tales of buffoonery and mischief.

^[1] Best viewed in Kodak ProPhoto RGB color space, including imaginary colors.

^[2] Not mere geology, but geo-chemical-kinetics according to Vandoofus. This is apparently measured using a seismometer.

^[3] Details remain sketchy, but some form of combustion outside the engine manifold had taken place.

^[4] All things are either aunt-safe or aunt-unsafe when calibrated against a gang of known aunts. Aunt-safeness exhibits direct correlation with the weighted average notoriety of the gang of aunts in question. Most known aunts are believed to fall somewhere between Bertie Wooster's aunts Agatha and Dahlia, who define the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Jessie

From a phone booth in Vegas, Jessie calls at 5 A.M.
to tell me how she's tired of all of them.
She says, "Baby, I been thinking 'bout a trailer by the sea.
We could go to Mexico... you, the cat and me.
We'll drink tequila and look for sea shells.
Now, doesn't that sound sweet?"
Oh, Jessie, you always do this every time I get back on my feet.

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

She asks me how the cat's been. I say, "Moses he's just fine
but he used to think about you all the time.
We finally took your pictures down off the wall.
Oh, Jessie, how do you always seem to know just when to call?"
She says, "Get your stuff together. Bring Moses and drive real fast."
And I listen to her promise, "I swear to God this time it's gonna last."

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

I'll love you in the sunshine, lay you down in the warm white sand.
And who knows, maybe this time things'll turn out just the way you planned.

Jessie paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better, your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea;
Jessie you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh, Jessie, you can always sell any dream to me.

— Joshua Kadison, Painted Desert Serenade (SBK Records, 1993). Copyright © 1991, 1992 Joshuasongs (BMI), Seymour Glass Songs (BMI), EMI/Blackwood Inc.

Joshua Kadison's timeless piano rock hit about his tumultuous relationship with actress Sarah Jessica Parker and their cat Moses in the early 90s. More great music can be downloaded from his website.

The purpose of posting these lyrics will become evident in the coming days. Of course it has to do with Darth Teddy, Professor Gordon and unfettered buffoonery of massive proportions. LL Droov J, the famous rapper formerly known as Catbert will also put in a guest appearance.

Cat Receives MBA – Academia Goes to the Dogs

SANTA CATALINA, California Republic -- Outright Buffoonery (OB) has been reported from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where a deputy attorney general’s cat has been awarded an online MBA. The report filed by the Associated Press and reported by CNN is reproduced in part below.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania (AP) -- The Pennsylvania attorney general's office Monday sued an online university for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat.

Trinity Southern University in Texas, a cellular company and the two brothers who ran them are accused of misappropriating Internet addresses of the state Senate and more than 60 Pennsylvania businesses to sell fake degrees and prescription drugs by spam e-mail, according to the lawsuit.

Investigators paid $299 for a bachelor's degree for Colby Nolan -- a deputy attorney general's 6-year-old black cat -- claiming he had experience including baby-sitting and retail management.

The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average.

This latest academic lunacy follows simian doctoral awards made in Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

In a press release issued to the media, Professor Gordon revealed that the three cats residing at his known hideout had advanced degrees in catnapping, cataloging and computerized axial tomography. Kahuna responded by accusing Gordon of cat burglary and operating an unauthorized zoo. These claims have not been substantiated, although an above-average concentration of porcupines was encountered within the premises.

Catbert (a senior clown of feline persuasion from the Bogusan Empire) was not available for comment on these latest developments.

Catbert Ruffles Hair with Keyboard Styling Bid

LOS GATOS, California Republic -- Self-styled fashion mogul and Former Reference Clown Catbert rocked the fashion establishment last week by announcing his latest creation: keyboard styling. Denying he had melted half the keys on his notebook attempting to dry them with a hair dryer after a catastrophic beverage spill, Catbert touted them as the latest in fashion. Outraged fashion houses from Milan to New York demanded why Catbert required the use of a hair dryer and speculated if at all he knew how to operate one.

Initial indications from the Management Information Systems division of the Bogusan Empire suggested they were not pleased with Catbert's latest antics. The Head of the all-powerful division is reported to have offered Catbert a more ruggedized notebook in the form of a stone tablet and a chisel.

The Shiny-headed One was detained by Management Information Systems and not immediately available for comment.

FRC Commends the Circus

COLOMBO, Sri-Lanka -- Former Reference Clown (FRC) Cl.Catbert issued a statement over the weekend praising The Circus Blog as a source of high quality literary works.

The articles were declared to be of high news value and deemed outstanding literary creations. Cl.Catbert will no doubt be a frequent subscriber to the posts.

For reasons of Referential Integrity, the prestigious office of Reference Clown (RC) is now held by a much larger clown than Cl.Catbert. Readers interested in further details are referred to the International Standards Organization (ISO) who announced the changeover several years ago.