Unquotable Quotes - Part 38

You speak as if you need to mount an expedition to the Andes on llamas.

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's lack of enthusiasm in locating important literary works lost in the depths of his lair.

Moistness comes to those who are patient.

— Darth Teddy's Patient Teddy Hypothesis.

May the cat o' nine tails feature prominently in your immediate future.

— Kahuna, raising hopes of a long-overdue disciplinary encounter for Darth Teddy.

No doubt your ancestor Obadiah Gordon was the surveyor in question.

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in the border dispute between Georgia and Tennessee due to a 200-year old cartographic error.

Your relational algebra is getting me down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing frustration with Kahuna's latest insinuations.

I should have sent you to find the serial number of the air starter armed with a candle in a methane atmosphere a long time ago.

— Kahuna, regretting not sending Gordon on a deadly quest after reading the antics of Dimi and the Chief.

I didn't realize Benedict XVI had such a position on his payroll.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the Pope's chief astronomer saying that life on Mars cannot be ruled out.

Each Mihin Air flight should also be dubbed a miracle once it lands.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting that F-117 pilots dubbed themselves bandits, with each given a bandit number after their first flight.

I'm contemplating assigning you a bandicoot number.

— Kahuna, unveiling plans to enumerate Gordon in an arguably less flattering manner.

The anaconda may be fed on Tuesday or Monday.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, posting a new feeding schedule.

You can't just install Windows here; plus, Linux is better on lower spec hardware.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reneging on a lifelong pact with Redmond and admitting to dabbling in Linux.

Did you run the bug detector before you uttered that statement? I believe the central control room in Redmond just went into red alert.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of possible reprisals from Ballmerville.

Maybe I'll just put my lens in my pocket and tell people am happy to see them.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing an alternative use for his telephoto zoom lens.

You will note that the root cause of this is the lack of prayer to the great god Baal with a cactus up one's ass.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the hazards of commencing projects without divine intervention.

Are you the chicken or the pig?

— Fluke, attempting to establish if Kahuna was merely involved or committed.

Neither; I'm the wolf who's got his eye on your ass.

— Kahuna to Fluke, disclosing a completely different agenda.

This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's need to do bitwise AND across rows using SQL.

The database engine will evaluate the code and after it determines that you wrote it, it will twiddle its interrupts and count cache misses.

— Kahuna, explaining the personalized execution plan for Gordon's SQL code.

I understand you intend on unleashing the anaconda on foreign soil.

— Fluke, expressing concern over Kahuna's proposed visit to the Orient with Darth Teddy.

Imperial stock is on the rise, however; someone's been telling a lot of lies somewhere.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attributing market sentiment to fresh baloney.

These shares entitle you to attend the AGM and heckle the board.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon of his rights as an Imperial stockholder.

I am usually at one with pussy, mostly 'cause I haven't had the opportunity to be with two.

— Darth Teddy, postulating the Tao^[1] of Teddy.

You're the Bone of Contention; or more aptly, the Boner of Contention.

— Kahuna, expounding the Te^[2] of Teddy.

A banana is a dangerous construct; if the terminator is missed it could go on forever: bananananananananananananana...

— Kahuna to Gordon, illustrating the little-known hazards in handling bananas.

You need professionalalalalalalal help.

— Gordon, seeking to institutionalize Kahuna.

Oh, he's been offering furtive cuddles in exchange for your endorsement?

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of receiving kickbacks from Darth Teddy.

I operate in bright sunlight unlike some of us who are cuddling up to the dark side.

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of dabbling in the dark arts.

I cannot resist the dark side of the farce; it is a calling I simply cannot resist.

— Fluke to Kahuna, admitting to being seduced by the dark side and more specifically by Darth Teddy.

If someone turns up for lunch after a 0640 arrival, I would greet them with a Howitzer.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the correct protocol for dealing with idiots who might invite themselves for a midday meal after a grueling intercontinental flight.

Do you have access to this idiot's remote management port? You will replace its BIOS with the MP3 version of Help me Rhonda.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a permanent fix for a chronic idiot.

Clowns in adjoining workspaces have come to ask what I'm laughing about BTBOTP.

— Gordon, admitting to workplace chaos during a conversation with Kahuna.

And you'll be using your rubber ducky as your scepter when you take over?

— Kahuna, expressing misgivings on Fluke being His potential successor.

More likely my Barrel-O-Slime.

— Fluke, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

Oh, you'll be needing props?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Fluke's selection of accessories.

You would be nothing if not for connectivity.

— Darth Teddy's Connected Kahuna Principle.

You would be nothing without your snake.

— Kahuna's Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

The first mongoose to turn up will disrupt your business model.

— Kahuna's Corollary to the Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

I will have you covered in topsoil if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to compost Kahuna.

This is no time for humus.

— Kahuna, unamused.

Teddy only knows things related to humping.

— Kahuna to Fluke, dismissing Darth Teddy as an authority on the merits of Ethernet switches versus hubs.

I will fit a turbocharger on your ass linked to a dynamo that will give you a jolt each time you fart.

— Gordon, proposing a rather anal Rube Goldberg mechanism to deal with Kahuna.

A magnesium flare shoved up your ass will help you see the error in your ways.

— Kahuna, retaliating with incandescent measures to help Gordon see the light.

Your paws tend to wander when unsupervised.

— Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

They also do when they're supervised. What's your point?

— Darth Teddy's Pointless Supervision Corollary to Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

And will you squeal like a piglet if I send you a toy?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, plotting to distribute dodgy gifts.

^[1] Tao, (Chinese: 道; Pinyin dao; Wade-Giles: tao; audio) is a metaphysical concept found in Taoism, Confucianism, and more generally in ancient Chinese philosophy. While the character itself translates as "way," "path," or "route," or sometimes more loosely as "doctrine" or "principle," it is used philosophically to signify the fundamental or true nature of the world.
^[2] Te, (Chinese: 德; pinyin: dé; Wade-Giles: te; audio) is a key concept in Chinese philosophy, usually translated "inherent character; inner power; integrity" in Taoism.

Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 8 - The Fowl and the Ruffled

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna was poking around in His vast archives when He came across a conversation that took place last year with Darth Teddy. Needless to say, this one ruffled more than a few feathers with some extremely fowl references:

Darth Teddy (DT): Are you fowling around?
Kahuna (K): There is no need to make birdbrained assumptions.
DT: Nonsense, you are clucking around.
K: You're being quite a cock about this X-(
DT: Well its better than being a bird on a wire.
K: I'll tar and feather you X-(
DT: That's a load of poppycock.
K: Bah, you were preening around like a peacock.
DT: Rubbish, you seem to be displaying your birdbrain.
K: You're getting quite batty X-(
DT: You sound like you are after a night with one Snuffleupagus X-(
K: Oh and this from the serial humper? X-(
DT: I will slay you like the road runner by Acme.
K: You will be too busy mounting to do anything else.
DT: Bah, quite a fowl statement.
K: Fowl, but true X-(
DT: This is all circumstantial.
K: I will decorate you with the Order of the Energizer Bunny with French Ticklers if you persist X-(
DT: I have already decorated said bunny.
K: Oh? Dare I ask what with?
DT: No, you may not.
K: I see you've made a big mess again X-(
DT: Eh? Where?
K: Where else X-(
DT: Bah, you have no proof.
K: Oh, I think fifty rubbers is more than enough proof.
DT: Bah, nonsense.
K: Where are the rubbers then? X-(
DT: I don't know what you are talking about.
K: Let me send you some more then.
DT: Gah, whatever are you talking about?
K: Just don't open any packages in public :-P
DT: Very well.

On that dodgy note, we conclude this post, which is incidentally piloting our new dialog format.

In related news, it is believed that the Allegedly Cuddly One is on the prowl once more, this time armed with a digital SLR in addition to his anaconda.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 7 - The Way of the Sheep

KINGTON, Herefordshire -- A few days ago, mysterious goings-on were reported from this quiet market town near the Welsh border. According to eyewitness accounts about a hundred sheep were seen forming an almost-perfect circle in a roadside field, causing great astonishment among the local populace.

While crop circles seem to be more commonplace, this would appear to be the first reported occurrence of a sheep circle. Very little is known about this bizarre phenomenon, leading Kahuna to suspect that dark powers were at play. This naturally led to a confrontation with Darth Teddy, who is coincidentally located a little over a hundred and thirty miles away in Watford.

Kahuna      : Did you have anything to do with this?
Darth Teddy : Er no, crop circles are Gordon's 
              department.
Kahuna      : That was my initial suspicion as well 
              but, the sheep led me in your 
              direction.
Darth Teddy : Er, I believe you are the one that is 
              dodgy with sheep, so I think this is 
              all your doing.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you are the one who mistook 
              one for a dog.
Darth Teddy : You are well known for getting sheep 
              in trouble.
Kahuna      : That sheep in question was not burying
              a bone.
Darth Teddy : In conclusion, I believe you are 
              responsible for leading these sheep 
              astray, or in a circle as the case may
              be.
Kahuna      : And you were attempting to accuse an 
              innocent sheep of falsifying the 
              fossil record.
Darth Teddy : Irrelevant; your sympathy towards said
              sheep prove further that you are 
              leading them astray.
Kahuna      : That's hogwash and you know it.  
              Bernisdale was just the beginning; I
              should have paid more attention to the
              signs.  You are clearly the Sheep
              Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : Ha! A weak attempt to hide from the
              truth.  Your attempts to lead sheep to
              the dark side are well known. This
              time the farmer's tractor just got
              there in time I believe.
Kahuna      : A likely story! Was the collie in on
              this as well?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, do you have control over
              them too?
Kahuna      : I had nothing to do with this X-(
              You're attempting to subvert this
              conversation to cover your tracks.
Darth Teddy : Denial, the first sign of a guilty
              conscience.
Kahuna      : No doubt you offered the collie a bone
              in exchange for its involvement.
Darth Teddy : Tut, tut, I believe the collie was put
              under a spell by you before all this.
Kahuna      : Spell? Are you accusing me of teaching
              it a foreign language?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, did you?
Kahuna      : Certainly not. It all fits into place
              now. You've been blackmailing collies
              to round up sheep in circles.
Darth Teddy : Anyway, enough of this sheep talk.
Kahuna      : You can't speak fluent sheep anyway
              X-(
Darth Teddy : And thus the final piece of the puzzle
              as to who manipulated the sheep.
Kahuna      : Indeed, the Dog Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : [SIGH] Make up your mind.
Kahuna      : You were attempting to mislead us all.
              Since you couldn't influence the
              sheep, you got to the collie X-(
Darth Teddy : Yeah, yeah; your details have been
              passed on to the FBI.

Readers familiar with the adventures of Kahuna and Darth Teddy will recall a previous altercation involving sheep in the cat-infested desolation of Bernisdale on the Isle of Skye. At the time, Kahuna—who speaks fluent sheep—sparked controversy when He attempted to communicate with the some of the incumbent creatures. Tensions were raised further with Darth Teddy claiming to see a sheep burying some manner of ossicular trophy. The matter has not been satisfactorily resolved to this day and continues to be a bone of contention.

The anaconda keeper's motive behind the sheep circle remains a mystery, but is suspected to be nefarious. Kahuna vowed to get to the bottom of the matter and indicated that He will interview the sheep involved during the next few days. It was not immediately clear if He would be yapping with the collie as well.

No sheep were harmed during this production, although the collie did give them the eye several times. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

Gordon to Outsource Santa; Reindeer Launch Industrial Action

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Professor Ebenezer Gordon, Chairman and Grand Poobah of Gordon Industries, Inc., today announced that he would be outsourcing this year's Christmas gift delivery operation to India. He cited the rising supply chain cost of his Santa Claus business, eroding margins and the deteriorating relations with his reindeer as reasons behind this unprecedented move.

Gordon indicated that this new arrangement would have a positive impact on his bottom line for 2007, while also maintaining his burgeoning waistline below forecast. However, he cautioned that the full impact of savings would only be realized in the coming fiscal year after the planned disposal of his North Pole complex. Market sentiment was mixed and the news was not warmly received by Gordon's reindeer who were seen picketing and calling for his immediate ouster.

Industry sources pointed out that Gordon was already embroiled in a bitter trade union dispute with his reindeer on the equitable distribution of milk and cookies. The situation has taken a turn for the worse with layoffs now expected thanks to the proposed business model. It is reliably learned that Gordon's new outsourcing partner would use a fleet of Bajaj three-wheeled vehicles for outbound logistics instead of the more traditional sleigh. This has proved to be a thorny issue during negotiations and a spokesdeer for the reindeer union said that talks had ended in a stalemate. He said that the union had expressed grave reservations regarding the environmental impact of Bajaj engines and called for an independent assessment by Nobel laureate Al Gore. The spokesdeer added that Gordon was vehemently opposed to this idea, allegedly fearing that Gore would reveal potentially inconvenient truths that might derail his dastardly plans.

When contacted by KNN, Kahuna said that Gordon was indeed moving forward given a conversation held shortly before:

Kahuna : You're up quite late. Are you doing a stock
         count of the toy inventory?
Gordon : Er no, I am backing up a database to be 
         sent to a clownette in Chennai.
Kahuna : The naughty and nice list for your 
         outsourced service provider no doubt X-(
Gordon : Bah X-(

He added that Gordon was counting on his controversial Global Cooling initiative to offset any impact on climate change.

In related news breaking from Connecticut, the Monster is expected to arrive in the tropics on the 25^th of December, fueling speculation that Gordon is handing over the reigns to his portly sibling. KNN has been unable to independently verify this claim with Gordon remaining tight-lipped about the matter.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, Darth Teddy is believed to be searching for his Santa hat for upcoming festivities. The anaconda keeper had not ruled out turning up in his birthday suit should the quest for headgear be thwarted.

And on that rather dodgy note, the Circus wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 5 - The Hot and the Bothered

SENTOSA, Singapore -- A few weeks ago, Kahuna was contained on the island of Sentosa off the coast of Singapore, presumably for the safety of the mainland. Whilst He was lounging around at the Rasa Sentosa Resort of Shangri-La fame, a conversation took place with Darth Teddy:

Kahuna      : I shall now iron.
Darth Teddy : Indeed, I did this yesterday.
Kahuna      : You appear quite unruffled about this.
Darth Teddy : Indeed, it's not a crushing situation.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, this could put a crease in
              your pants.
Darth Teddy : However, this could cause a burn. Not
              to mention end up in a steamy
              situation.
Kahuna      : Quite. This iron has started hissing
              at regular intervals X-(
Darth Teddy : This could be considered to be a
              mating call in some parts.  Maybe you
              should respond by unzipping your
              pants or something.
Kahuna      : Oh is that what you do?  Mate with
              the iron while it makes suggestive
              sounds X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no, I haven't attempted it with an
              iron yet.
Kahuna      : I always wondered what that "Caution:
              Hot Iron" warning was all about X-(
Darth Teddy : Hehe, there's a quote. That iron is
              seriously overestimating its hotness
              if you ask me.
Kahuna      : As for you, your anaconda should have
              a warning label X-(
Darth Teddy : It does: it says "Blow Me for Best
              Results."
Kahuna      : That's not the sort of warning I had
              in mind X-(
Darth Teddy : Well you don't always get what you
              want.
Kahuna      : I was thinking more in the lines of
              "Caution: Concealed Weapon" or
              "Warning: Use Eye Protection."
Darth Teddy : Hehe, and at the bottom "Blow for
              Best Results."
Kahuna      : @#$%#$%$#% will you be making a label
              for yourself? X-(

No clothing was left crumpled during these proceedings. However, the appropriately labeled anaconda keeper is believed to be at large.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 33

The least you could have done was to aim the projectile accurately.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for bungling the target zone during the last meteorite strike.

Need to loosen up my fingers again; they are a bit too stiff.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, forecasting ominous digital deeds.

Did I tell you about the FedEx guy who wanted to know why I was wearing a skirt?

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the follies of answering the door in Georgia while dressed in sarong.

And I think UQ is rigged; I'm certain that I made dodgier comments than the ones portrayed, and all of this has been overlooked for some hogwash.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure over non-inclusion in UQ32.

I am the USP for this series; I have fans to cater to.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, making a point about Unquotable Quotes.

Your USP is your anaconda, and you can quote me on that.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, pointing elsewhere.

So you're suggesting we replace the L2 with a baobab?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's radical departure from silicon in his new processor architecture.

Let's me get this right: we have pigeons bringing in the data from off chip storage, then there's a ring of elephants around the baobab who stomp on the incoming data to compress it?

— Kahuna, trying to picture Gordon's new processor architecture.

Yes, and vultures cleaning up any leftovers.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his organic garbage collection mechanism.

This compression appears to be lossy.

— Kahuna, expressing concerns about Gordon's pachydermal data compression algorithm.

When was the last time you recovered anything squashed by an elephant then?

— Gordon to Kahuna, proving to be quite thick-skinned on the need for an inverse compression function.

According to Gordon, you get the elephants to stomp on the file.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on being asked how to reduce the size of JPG file to a minimum.

They should drain that bloody lake and sort out the whole affair once and for all.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing an in-depth solution to locate the Loch Ness Monster.

Uugggh, scary monster.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Darth Teddy adorning the Board of Buffoons.

Am I still in the waiting list for a stripper?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, checking his prior booking.

And you're occupying the couch, the whole couch and nothing but the couch?

— Kahuna, attempting to establish Darth Teddy's whereabouts.

So help me plod.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, swearing by his slouch.

We're going to get an NC-17 rating at this rate.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of recent explicit postings on the Circus.

Are you still raising a point of order about these peanuts?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's concerns regarding 25 tons of peanuts being delivered to CBS on account of 'Jericho' being canceled.

By the way, I think you should install Food Fight on Facebook so that I can throw things at you.

— The Baroness, seeking to pelt Kahuna with a pie.

You have published more on me than any other clown on the planet already.

— Gordon, noting Kahuna's unauthorized biographical works.

Precisely; I was expecting preferential treatment.

— Kahuna, on expecting to write Gordon's obituary.

You will probably be the cause of my demise as well.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a deadly view of things.

The invasion will be tomorrow.

— Gordon, providing a revised schedule to Kahuna.

You're exiting your republic as I come in?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna's plans to visit the orient during a previously scheduled invasion.

I will be remotely managing my republic.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Greetings from Boston.

— Gordon, engaging in blatant provocation of Kahuna.

Yeah right; like your anaconda won't dance when I send a stripper.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to engage in snake charming by proxy.

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Well pencil him in; my list is quite long, however.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to remove another certified idiot from the planet.

Found the dancing girls?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, checking on preparations for his visit.

No, but the male strippers are ready.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, disclosing alternative arrangements.

I am walking around in London and am actually getting paid for it.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to profitable but dodgy activities in the city.

Will we be seeing a geostationary anaconda over Watford?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, fearing the worst after learning of the Geostationary Banana over Texas.

It won't be stationary by any means.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst fears.

Those are young lions; they are just playing with their food.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the antics of Kevin Richardson.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

Anyone care to endorse this?

— Darth Teddy, seeking an empirical proof to his Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

You need to be knocked down a notch or two, BTBOTP.

— Kahuna, seeking to deflate Darth Teddy's rampant presence.

Can I stay up on the same notch and get some one to blow me instead?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing a highly inflationary alternative.

Chaos at the Circus

TATOOINE, Arkanis Sector -- Confusion and chaos reigned at the circus yesterday due to a major blunder made by no other than Fluke Skywalker. The chain of events began with Big Kahuna inviting Fluke to an event staged by the Circus near the Avenue of Reeds. The true intention of Big Kahuna for calling this rather hasty gathering of the Buffoons is still a subject of discussion among lesser mortals.

The hasty invitation extended by Kahuna (Big) to Fluke took him by surprise as he desperately attempted to concoct a reasonable explanation for not attending all this buffoonery. Landing the blame on the Cuddly One as the reason for not attending lasted but only a brief moment as Fluke realised that Kahuna (living up to his reputation) was in constant contact with the Anaconda Keeper throughout his conversation with Fluke.

It was at this point that a ray of light seemed to appear before Fluke in the form of the (all-knowing) Jay-See who (unaware of the Circus activities, let alone Fluke's association with Big Kahuna) promptly informed that he required Fluke to accompany him to his watering hole which was located in the vicinity of the Square of Independence. Fluke, quick to realise that this would be his modus operandi of boycotting the planned festivities of the Circus, was quick to point to Big Kahuna that he would have no choice but adhere to the Jay-See’s command (considering the Jay-See being Fluke’s commanding officer and of course his immediate future operating under him as well) to which Kahuna (Big) decided to demonstrate to Fluke the extent of his authority over the universe by threatening the Jay-See with certain pictorial evidence, which if exposed, would lead to wide-spread panic within the ranks of the Jay-See, especially since this was supposed to include the giant in cahoots with Timmy the Clown. Details of the verbal battle which ensued between Big Kahuna and the Jay-See with an even bewildered Fluke in the midst, will be excluded to spare lesser mortals of agony.

However, the fact which emerged was the magnitude of steadfast power with which Big Kahuna rules the Universe, especially when Kahuna almost summoned The Ex-Dictator at which point Fluke was at his wits end at deciding which party to support. Finally, Fluke decided (with much reluctance) to heed the Jay-See’s order and accompany the giant to his watering hole.

The fate of Fluke now hangs (very) delicately in the hands of (Big) Kahuna.

"May the Farce be with Fluke"

Fluke Invited to Join the Circus

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In extraordinary developments reported from Kahuna's arid desert retreat yesterday, young Fluke Skywalker has been invited to join the Circus.

Kahuna made the announcement late last night after a hastily convened meeting of the Board of Buffoons. It was not immediately clear if any buffoons attended or if Kahuna had resorted to his pluralis majestatis to concoct a quorum.

Graffiti on Darth Teddy's wall had first brought Fluke to the attention of Kahuna, who had concluded that the initiate was quite a clown after a lengthy interview.

It is also understood that Darth Teddy had lobbied heavily for the inclusion, fueling suspicions that the anaconda keeper may be attempting to lure the unsuspecting Fluke to the dark side of the Farce. Kahuna sought to downplay these allegations maintaining that he had a contingent of mongooses on standby to deal with any eventuality.

KNN continues to monitor this situation will sling more mud as this story develops.

The Amorous Adventures of Darth Teddy

LONDON, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, Darth Teddy has been seen frolicking at the Amora, a sex theme park in Piccadilly.

Sources wishing to remain anonymous said that the Bear toured all the erogenous zones of the The Academy of Sex and Relationships, including Love & Desire, the Aphrodisiac Lounge, Sexplorium, Amora Sutra and the highly suggestive Orgasm Tunnel. It is understood that anaconda keeper tested his digital skills in the Sexplorium while also showing a keen interest in the Fantasy & Fetish zone.

Darth Teddy made a statement shortly after the incident and denied he was frolicking. He contended that his visit was a scientific expedition for BNN and added that a full report would be filed in due course. Kahuna scoffed at the Bear's explanation and reiterated that the allegedly cuddly one be restrained for the sake of public safety.

KNN will continue to monitor this highly inflamed situation. Those wishing to learn more should Google for Amora, keeping in mind that the content may not be work-safe.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 31

Is your mother still blissfully unaware of your tattoo?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy on the status of mandatory disclosures.

Would you like your nipple pierced?

— Darth Teddy, attempting to lure Kahuna to the Dark Side.

You might get excommunicated due to inactivity.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the severe consequences of not blogging.

What dastardly plans have you hatched under the darkness of covers?

— Kahuna, suspecting Darth Teddy of misbehaving beneath the sheets.

I smell nuts.

— Darth Teddy, announcing intent to hunt.

It's so much easier with men.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on successful hunting after his recent policy reversal.

By the way, I will be coming home with you today.

— Darth Teddy, disclosing nefarious designs on Kahuna.

If you have no more use of your gonads, we could go for the cheese.

— Kahuna, noting the price of the cheese platter might require Darth Teddy to pawn no-longer-needed parts of his anatomy.

I don't recall a wolf.

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna's plans to blog about the Way of the Wolf.

I am hungry, bitch; make me some food.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, demanding service in the wee hours of the morning.

Do you realize how much money Durex is loosing each night you don't hump?

— Kahuna, expressing concern over Darth Teddy's uncustomary celibacy.

You're causing a decline in the latex futures market.

— Kahuna, predicting dire economic implications from Darth Teddy's continued abstinence.

You are associating with the wrong types: look at that boy's hair.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's excessively long hair.

It's attempting to use X-ray technology to look under female undergarments.

— Kahuna to Gordon, revealing the Hobbit's plan to use NightShot technology for purposes other than those envisaged by Sony.

In other words, it's trying to catch some bird in the nude unbeknown.

— Gordon to Kahuna, establishing the Hobbit's modus operandi.

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

It's not as effective as I expected it to be.

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, revealing disappointing results after field-testing Sony's NightShot technology under dubious conditions.

Why do they fix this stupid IR filter in front?

— The Hobbit to Kahuna, expressing annoyance with Sony's design of the Cybershot DSC-V1 digital camera.

Will this become Bogusan Idol?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the future of an Imperial talent contest.

Sirasa Super Tart.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on the Imperial talent contest if Darth Teddy had anything to do with it.

Send it to me as well, please.

— Darth Teddy, requesting Kahuna for incriminating video evidence of himself dug up by Gordon's global spy network.

Oh she's prayed over your email address; bless your soul.

— Kahuna, noting that Mrs Moses had prayed over an email to Gordon.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

I believe ET faced similar problems.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unable to call home due to a busy signal.

I tell you, QA clowns are from the planet Zork.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure with QA.

I thought they were from Uranus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, challenging the origin of QA.

Plus you can have Playboy on-demand.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on compelling reasons to live in the Land of the Free.

It looks like a chicken in that headgear.

— Gordon to Kahuna, commenting on the Ex-Dictator's turban.

I'm Kahuna; I cannot be explained.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on being asked to explain Himself.

Catbert is quite fat.

— Gordon, calling Catbert fat.

Are you suggesting it ain't over till the fat man sings?

— Kahuna, querying if Gordon expected Catbert to perform an aria in full Valkyrie outfit.

I will pose as Snoop Dogg.

— Gordon to Kahuna, outlining his plans to obtain an Amex Centurion Card.

You might have better luck as Dr Evil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a more appropriate masquerade.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

— Vandoofus, in a wedding message to the Ex-Dictator.

You could add that we have an air bed, depending on the seriousness of the faces.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to deliver a wedding message to the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator.

That might cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

— Kahuna, questioning the aunt-safeness of Gordon's wedding message.

That's a highly dodgy use of a semicolon.

— Kahuna, pausing to critique Darth Teddy's punctuation.

When I'm through with you, your anaconda will need a splint.

— Kahuna, proposing to cramp Darth Teddy's style.

I don't misbehave; it's just that you under-behave.

- Darth Teddy, blaming Kahuna for sub-standard behavior.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

Yup, stainless. Until I come that is; then there are stains.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, contending that his equipment was cast from industrial-grade stainless steel.

No, I like the heat generated.

— Vandoofus, dismissing Kahuna's recommendation of industrial-grade lubricant.

Hugo! Hugo! Hugo!

— Kahuna, riling Gordon by routing for Hugo Chavez.

I was feeling much better in the afternoon and took a bath.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining the circumstances behind his relapse.

As your doctor, I recommend that you be shot.

— Kahuna, writing Gordon a fatal prescription.

Speaking of Sony, I just discovered my TV runs Linux.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being unwittingly bound by the GNU General Public License.

This is a violation of your MOU with Redmond.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of double-crossing Redmond.

I will now calculate the total number of speakers I am accountable for around the planet.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attempting to proclaim a sinister new definition of surround sound.

Sixty-three.

— Gordon's Answer to the Question of the Tweeter, the Squawker and the Woofer.

UQ is becoming quite U.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing concern about Unquotable Quotes.

I'm changing to Morse code to be safe.

— Her Royal Highness, learning that Kahuna would be publishing a new edition of Unquotable Quotes.

We'll soon have to put an adult filter on that thing.

— Her Royal Highness, threatening to censor Unquotable Quotes.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 4 - The Way of the Wolf

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Today we disclose a recent conversation between Kahuna and Darth Teddy. The Anaconda Keeper's reluctance to engage in lupine behavior has been deemed to be most puzzling:

Kahuna      : We could sit around and bay at the
              moon.
Darth Teddy : Eh?
Kahuna      : It's a full moon.
Darth Teddy : Er, yes.
Kahuna      : It's traditional to hold a wolf
              congress[1].
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : Clearly, you don't speak fluent
              wolf X-(
Darth Teddy : Clearly.
Kahuna      : Indeed, I recall you didn't even
              speak sheep[2] X-(

No wolves or sheep were harmed during this production. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

^[1] Although, howling wolves are frequently associated with the full moon, there is little evidence to suggest direct correlation. Further information is available on the Wikipedia and Wolf Song of Alaska.

^[2] A reference to the controversial Bernisdale Fiasco.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 2 - The Way of the Squirrel

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- We now reveal a conversation between known squirrel-sympathizer Kahuna and Darth Teddy, a vociferous proponent of the anti-squirrel lobby:

Kahuna      : In other news, I visited Bentota during 
              the weekend.
Darth Teddy : Ah, I see.
Kahuna      : Indeed. The Bentota Beach Hotel to be 
              precise.
Darth Teddy : What for?
Kahuna      : To photograph squirrels.
Darth Teddy : I see X-(
Darth Teddy : Completely bogus.
Kahuna      : Now, now X-(
Kahuna      : I have NB-complete photographs of 
              squirrels.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense, all photographs of squirrels 
              are bogus by default.
Kahuna      : This is a highly contentious argument.
Kahuna      : You will explain your thesis X-(
Darth Teddy : It’s not as argument. It’s a fact.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you do not have evidence to 
              establish an axiom.
Darth Teddy : Having to travel 45 minutes in wet 
              conditions to photograph rat-like 
              creatures is evidence enough X-(
Kahuna      : X-(
Kahuna      : I will take you on an expedition to the
              Sinharaja to photograph leeches if you 
              persist with your thesis X-(
Darth Teddy : At least I haven't been there.
Kahuna      : !@#$@#$#@$'
Kahuna      : You're getting to be a handful early in 
              the morning X-(
Darth Teddy : You are engaging in bogus expeditions.
Kahuna      : Bah! I have every right to engage in 
              photography of squirrels X-(
Darth Teddy : Indeed, I did not say that it was illegal 
              to be insane.
Kahuna      : You're quite unruly this morning X-(
Darth Teddy : This is all your doing.
Kahuna      : I think your anaconda is not getting out 
              enough X-(
Darth Teddy : I think yours hasn't gotten out at all.
Kahuna      : That's what you think.
Darth Teddy : You might want to blog this conversation.

The conversation become completely unbloggable from this point onwards and will be reserved for Kahuna's memoirs, significant chapters of which will be dedicated towards the antics of Darth Teddy.

No squirrels were harmed during the course of this production.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 28

The anaconda will now be fed. Repeatedly.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing a midnight snack.

By the Bezier Curve of Evil!

- Kahuna, resorting to complex geometry in an attempt to implicate Gordon in North Korea's nuclear test.

Must be busy cleaning up the fallout.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on Gordon's non-availability on Yahoo Messenger.

Did you note that Kim's missiles reach the entire planet other than South America?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on Kim Jong-il's ICBM technology.

This would be very beneficial to the Korean takeaway industry.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a controversial application of long-range missile technology.

I heard Gordon is contemplating another test.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing concerns about Gordon's nefarious activities in North Korea.

Tehran to Ebenezer, come in Ebenezer.

- Kahuna to Gordon, predicting the inevitable overtures from Iran.

@#%%@#^@#%

- Gordon, on Kahuna's Iranian speculation.

Apparently Japan can be nuclear-capable in a long weekend.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, attempting to raise regional tensions.

We might have issues getting people together.

- Darth Teddy, vetoing Kahuna's proposal to tour Iran's nuclear facilities, sighting difficulty in herding cats.

Very well if it must. You will, however, make it advantageous to me.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told his antics must be blogged.

Smooch is not equal to hump.

- Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I will put it on leash if required.

- Kahuna, addressing Gordon's concerns about Darth Teddy becoming a handful during an excursion to the hills.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PANIC() PANIC() PANIC()

- Gordon, learning that Timmy the Ambidextrous had joined the Empire.

I could send a Korean subwoofer by ICBM if you like.

- Gordon, offering to surround Kahuna with an explosive Dolby Digital 6.1 experience.

Very soon your closet will be searchable by Google.

- Kahuna, issuing an ominous warning to Gordon.

I can also provide six pints of premium ice cream within seven minutes drive from your location; this will kill you.

- Kahuna to Gordon, plotting a deadly course to the nearest Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

I have a stock of these in the freezer.

- The Monster to Kahuna, admitting to stockpiling weapons of mass gluttony by Ben & Jerry.

You're resorting to the SriLankan Scarelines booking algorithm.

- Kahuna, learning of Darth Teddy's plans to offload passengers during an excursion to the hills.

Ah, I see you've arrived by the Liberator.

- Kahuna, acknowledging Darth's Ching's profile image on Yahoo Messenger.

Oooh! Someone old enough to recognize it!

- Darth Ching, noting Kahuna's recognition of the Liberator from the 1970's BBC TV series, Blake's 7.

Good lord, will this be rated R-18?

- Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy would be writing a manual.

I recommend hiring goons to rough it up.

- Kahuna, advising Gordon to deal with the Monster after a botched intercontinental fund transfer.

I was going about my business ordering medicines when the incident occurred.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending Himself on being mistaken for physician.

There's a sulfurous stench in the air.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting a lightning strike on His lead-acid accumulators.

This is proof that you're in league with the devil.

- Gordon, implicating Kahuna by way of fire and brimstone precedent set by Hugo Chavez.

Why are you still in existence?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna's continued presence.

Someone has to look after the universe.

- Kahuna, in His own defense.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

- Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

You are destined to become a gaseous cloud and rotate around Saturn.

- Vandoofus, predicting a nebulous future for Kahuna.

I believe that means "den of thieves" according to Kahuna's 21^st Century Dictionary.

- Kahuna, on Horagolla.

He could shut down his fleet of aircraft for starters.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on Sir Richard Branson committing three billion dollars to combat global warming.

And you'll supply him with blimps?

- Kahuna, speculating on Gordon's alternative solution to Branson's turbojet aircraft.

These clowns do not seem to have blimps. Where did you get yours?

- Kahuna, seeking the supplier of Gordon's blimp, Fat One after learning that Mazda did not sell airships.

At Wal-Mart.

- Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his blimp supplier.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 1 - The Mobile and the Leashed

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- We now bring you further evidence of Darth Teddy's unholy intent to restrain the activities of Kahuna:

Darth Teddy : You didn't pick up yesterday.
Kahuna      : I wasn't in the same location as the 
              phone.
Darth Teddy : Gah! This is not an acceptable answer; 
              it’s called a mobile phone for a reason.
Kahuna      : It may be called a mobile phone; however, 
              it does not move under its own steam and 
              follow you around. That functionality is 
              provided by dogs.
Darth Teddy : I should get you and it a leash *FUME*
Kahuna      : I always suspected you wanted to tie me 
              up X-(
Darth Teddy : Now, now, you are going on a completely 
              different trip here.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you brought bondage into the 
              proceedings.
Darth Teddy : Between you and your phone! Nothing to do 
              with me; I am just supplying the leash.
Kahuna      : Bah, that's how it all starts: by 
              supplying the leash. Next it'll be the 
              collar and god knows what else X-(
Darth Teddy : Nonsense! These are all your initiations.
              I am the innocent party here.
Kahuna      : I never intended to tie you up BTBOTP. 
              You're hardly innocent. You're an 
              anaconda in bear's clothing X-(
Darth Teddy : Nonsense, I have multiple personalities.
Kahuna      : All attached to the same anaconda X-(
Darth Teddy : Indeed, the complete package.
Kahuna      : I rest my case.

The bears and anacondas used in this production were supplied by Darth Teddy.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 27

Yes! The first insult on Messenger is mine!

- The Ex-Dictator, rejoicing upon calling Kahuna a “dingbat,” online.

You're quite badly equipped for someone claiming to be Kahuna.

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s omnipotence.

Those are my cables it’s happily cutting up.

- Gordon, fuming on being told of the Monster improvising power supply solutions for Kahuna.

Will you be taking liquids to Yala?

- Gordon to Kahuna, in an effort to impose travel restrictions.

I intend to generate gases as well.

- Kahuna, responding to Gordon’s proposed travel restrictions.

Clown Factor appears to be auto-balancing.

- Gordon, learning the Cookie Monster had arrived in the tropics to compensate for the departure of the Monster.

You’re photographing wild pussy now.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s leopard photography.

I've named my pet anaconda.

- Darth Teddy, pleading guilty to dodgy anthropomorphic personification.

Hmm, possibly not, but it might get its belly tickled.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on whether his anaconda would be fed.

You’re posting images of naked animals: this is an invasion of their privacy.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for wildlife photography in the Yala.

You're free to clothe them at your own expense.

- Kahuna, proposing a solution to Gordon’s privacy fears.

Sports mode indeed; those animals are not playing anything.

- Gordon, taking a dark view of Kahuna using sports mode on His EOS 30D for wildlife photography.

You’re mucking about on the Internet without clearing all possible barriers to entering the aircraft.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s online presence at the airport.

Probably due to too much smooching; if not, mounting.

- Kahuna, diagnosing the cause behind Darth Teddy’s cold.

You will note clowns at Sony are causing explosions all over the planet.

- Kahuna, on Sony’s unstable lithium-ion battery technology.

I bet they won't allow Dell laptops on aircraft now.

- Gordon, extrapolating the consequences of Sony’s battery fiasco.

What do the park animals think of the wildlife you traveled with?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on His traveling companions in the Yala.

I blame the leopard for not finishing you lot off.

- Gordon, expressing frustration at the continued existence of Kahuna et al.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Darth Teddy, reacting to Kahuna’s threat of being made to watch Brokeback Mountain beside Timmy the Ambidextrous.

This reminds me of The Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by Van Klomp.

- Gordon, critiquing Kahuna’s Ox-Eye Daisy.

The senate has ratified your appointment as Creature of Insufficient Light. You didn't have enough brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

- Kahuna, informing Gordon of his latest appointment.

I was mistaken for a medical practitioner.

- Kahuna, admitting to involuntary malpractice.

It seems a performance of the Rite of the Polecat is called for.

- Kahuna, planning to summon an absconding Gordon by means of black magic.

See, if they taught polymorphism like that, you think I would have forgotten?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on a highly explicit tutorial on object-oriented programming.

Bah, I powered you in the middle of the jungle if you recall.

- Gordon to Kahuna, refuting allegations of being outdated.

Did you dress up as Big Bird, given your background in volumetric ornithology?

- Kahuna, quizzing Gordon’s dress code during his offspring’s birthday party.

You'll probably get shot with this thing.

- Gordon, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

You think it can hold a Scud launch module?

- The Monster, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

I believe they're short of a prophet in Colorado.

- Kahuna, noting a vacancy arising from the arrest of Warren Jeffs.

Do they still offer the Escalade and the laptops?

- Gordon, considering the offer and clarifying the perquisites.

Hmm, there was an idiot with a dubious accent that called, but it was daytime here.

- Gordon, recollecting a nuisance call from the Ex-Dictator in what the latter believed to be the wee hours of Eastern Daylight Time.

Your time zone calculations have been bungled.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling a nuisance call.

Obviously, clowns from your company made the calculations.

- Kahuna, in his own defense.

I am currently getting shock absorbers replaced.

- Darth Teddy, reporting on the need for vehicular overhaul after a particularly vigorous Feast of the Anaconda.

GITT Mk III has a gyro.

- Gordon, disclosing inertial navigation capabilities in his flagship automobile.

Your attempt to have GITT Mk III classified as an aircraft—fraudulently—is noted: “my car has a gyro and thus inertial navigation and thus it’s a plane.”

- Kahuna, predicting Gordon’s reasoning to enter the civil aviation industry.

[Her Royal Highness] has left the room; do you want to give me a smooch now?

- Huggles, furtively soliciting favors from Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 26

I will arrange an accident involving a badly tuned French horn.

- Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be attending a Garfunkel concert.

Holding the array at gunpoint might help.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on how to insert a value into an array using JavaScript.

Scampering raccoon, hissing polecat.

- Gordon, attempting to one-up Kahuna.

I will move my bishop to Alpharetta by way of blatant provocation.

- Kahuna, proposing a controversial move.

I suggest you find your queen first.

- Gordon, countering with the marital defence.

This would indicate the operation of wolves; either that or your collies are idling.

- Kahuna, learning that the sheepcount of Darth Teddy’s flock was dynamic.

Isn't that my lamp?

- Darth Teddy, attempting to set the genie bit with other people’s lamps.

I feel like humping something.

- Darth Teddy, providing an unsolicited status report.

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck up, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- The Monster, graphically illustrating America’s fascination with the F-word.

You will censor the F-word BTBOTP.

- Gordon to Kahuna, renouncing the First Amendment.

And at this rate, we'll have to setup a new government department to keep track of your baggage: the Federal Baggage Administration.

- Kahuna, pondering a legislative solution to the Gordon baggage crisis.

I believe my anaconda is being falsely portrayed.

- Darth Teddy, expressing concerns about UQ25.

No, I’m just hot.

- Darth Teddy, denying Kahuna’s accusations of being in heat.

You're going around declaring you're hot as if you expect the rest of us to drop down and fellate you.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

The selected few usually do.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defence.

You’re fishing for slander-worthy statements aren’t you?

- Gordon, accusing Kahuna of entrapment.

Please refrain from posting vulgar content in the blog.

- Vandoofus, objecting to Kahuna’s portrayal of Leucanthemum vulgare.

You mean it's an area not currently serviced by your anaconda?

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, querying the status of London.

I think you need a longer anaconda.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing a long distance service.

No, no, we are very happy with our reptile.

- Darth Teddy, dismissing Kahuna’s long distance proposals.

How would I know? There’s no place to look up clown names.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being taken to task for querying the identity of the Monster.

I have conclusively established that drinking doesn't cure sore throat.

- Vandoofus, reporting failure in his quest for a pharyngitis cure after extensive personal research.

I can safely say bratwurst also does not cure sore throat.

- Vandoofus, continuing to defy established medical evidence and common sense.

I tried a few light beers last night; didn't work either.

- Vandoofus, announcing the end of a short-lived partnership with Anheuser-Busch.

You can see me on Google Earth if I am sunbathing with an erection.

- Vandoofus, raising a contentious point.

Everybody wants me.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his credentials.

Feeding Patterns of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Somewhere in the UN -- Kahuna's recent obsession of large reptiles have aroused a direct interest from parties associated to these same amphibians in such a way that it was only thought fit to contribute to the obsession with some factual information. Augustus the anaconda has been under the spotlight of late in regard to his feeding patterns up to a point that Kahuna (Big) is rumoured to demand a weekly status update of its prey intake. Also, for the record the spotlight that Augustus has been under has a direct undeniable link to Kahuna (Big), hands wavering with age as the case might be. We feel for the clown, no we don't feel the clown, we feel FOR the clown.

Moving on to more enticing topics we travel back a few weeks to a fairly formal gathering in a area resembling a forest to bid adieu to a fairly significant member of a very bureaucratic pack of carnivorous wildlife. Considering the nature of Augustus's network of influential connections it was in little doubt that he too was a distinguished invitee. It might be worthwhile to note that Augustus due to a self enforced drought the previous month or so was definitely on the prowl. This can be confirmed by Kahuna (Big)'s well thought out interpretation of "Prowling Bear, Hidden Anaconda". For more information on this little sizzler please contact Kahuna on www.thatanacondaitellyou.co.uk. So, to continue, upon mingling with the distinguished guests and dodging an array of mud slinging towards Augustus brought on by his non-monochrome reputation Augustus was suddenly introduced to a little venison, lets call her Bambi. Augustus was his usual observant self, slowly sizing up this creature, assessing if it was prey material and when in fact this fact could be established. We mustn’t forget that Augustus was on the prowl therefore the default status would naturally be, "to prey or not to prey, this is always the question".

Augustus was then detained due to unforeseen animals requiring much sought after attention from the friendly reptile. However as fate may have it Bambi had an overeager companion that was adamant that Bambi get worked ... I mean get some work. Of course, ever helpful as he is Augustus offered to try and get Bambi worked, an invitation that was accepted with open arms by the overeager companion, lets call her Flaky. Therefore Flaky was bubbly, Bambi was happy and Augustus was in shock.

Augustus then left the gathering due to its increasing levels of boredom and went on the prowl again tasting immediate success in undisclosed locations. Upon calling it a night the ravishing reptile was peacefully heading home when lo and behold he receives a holler from Bambi, a prospect he thought had disappeared along with the night. Sensors back to full throttle Augustus worked his magic and according to popular belief and naturally accepted conclusions Bambi got snagged a couple of hours later.

3 weeks later ...

The feisty little venison that was looking for work definitely had a her wish come true in terms of ... indeed she did get worked ... and I believe this is an ongoing saga that both Bambi and Augustus are quite happy with ... For details on the level of commitment in regards to work the fact is that ... I apologise ... I was just informed that I cannot go into detail on the commitment as there might be a litter of lion cubs that use this space for educational purposes.

This was a small excerpt on the feeding patterns of Augustus which in time has known to turn into a feeding frenzy ... For further information please refer to the website mentioned above or inquire from Kahuna in person. We thank you for tuning in and until next time ... *burp* ...

The Way of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from the tropics, it has been established beyond reasonable doubt that Darth Teddy is on the prowl:

Kahuna      : Good morning. Whip()
Darth Teddy : Why hello.
Kahuna      : *Gasp* You have awoken before the sun
              reaches zenith!
Darth Teddy : Yeah that.
Kahuna      : Would you like a dictionary?
Darth Teddy : I got my own thanks.  Always handy when
              you are in the vicinity.
Kahuna      : As are chastity belts when you are in
              the vicinity :-P
Darth Teddy : Obviously this is not the case
              considering my conquests.
Kahuna      : There are always those who don't listen
              to good advice.
Darth Teddy : This covers 99% of the population.
Kahuna      : Are you saying you did 99% of the
              population? X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no.  I am saying that many don't heed
              good advice.  In any form.
Kahuna      : A mongoose should sort you out.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense.  This is an anaconda not a
              cobra.  I will have the mongoose and
              his family for dessert.
Kahuna      : Might as well since your anaconda has
              not been fed for a while.
Darth Teddy : *FUME*
Kahuna      : *Grin* Bangkok?
Darth Teddy : Shouldn't we all :-L
Kahuna      : LOL. In your case, for the safety of
              others :-P
Darth Teddy : A fairly valid reason.
Kahuna      : Indeed. You're quite a handful even
              when you're not horny X-(
Darth Teddy : I try.
Kahuna      : I know X-(

Darth Teddy provided the anaconda used in this production.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 24

Ah, I haven’t made a cake in years. Not since when I was in Sri Lanka. I made a cake for [the Confucius’s], but unfortunately it came out harder than rock.

- The Regulator, recollecting her early dabbling in culinary petrology.

Did you include Portland cement as a binding agent?

- Kahuna, launching an investigation into the Regulator’s cake mix.

It could have easily been used to globber someone – someone like you.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, proposing alternative use of her rock cake.

Clearly you were unable to follow a short recipe.

- Kahuna, taking the Regulator to task for bungling a cake recipe.

The best parts of learning are the stains.

- Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

I control the bananas in this republic.

- The Regulator, establishing her substantial credentials.

I'm off to a meeting – and to make more enemies.

- The Regulator, on what she does well.

It’s criminal to start a meeting at 0815.

- The Regulator, on the legitimacy of untimely assembly.

Plus there are people here who'll be happy to kill me, mostly the operators.

- The Regulator, justifying her reasons to have a short vacation.

My hand still hurts.

- Vandoofus, reporting a suspicious repetitive strain injury.

No, my balls are not ready to be pawned yet.

- Darth Teddy, declining to dine with Kahuna at the Hilton.

Mothers get along with me.

- Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

- Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

Can you help me find the Great Wall?

- Vandoofus, lost in China while Google sightseeing.

You might see some ice cream vans parked near the beach.

- The Regulator, announcing her banana republic’s response to B-52s parked at Diego Garcia.

Banana ice cream which almost tastes like Chunky Monkey^® is a definite threat.

- The Regulator, disclosing the threat level of her ice cream vans to Kahuna.

A Vermonster will settle your hash.

- Kahuna, proposing to deal with the Regulator using twenty scoops of ice cream, ten scoops of chopped walnuts, four ladles of hot fudge, four bananas, three cookies, two scoops each of four toppings, a fudge brownie and whipped cream.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

- Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

- Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

- Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

I will maroon you on a lonely planet if you’re not careful.

- Kahuna, charting a rough guide to Darth Teddy’s future.

If it ain’t in Wikipedia it didn't happen.

- Vandoofus, disputing Kahuna’s interpretation of Custer’s Last Stand as being when Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer tried to stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

How do I fix my cabinet file?

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, having bungled an installation of MSN Messenger.

You must hold a cabinet meeting.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, having pored over to the Book of Apocryphal Solutions.

I’m now a lead [sheep]^[1] with subordinates.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his flock.

Are you suggesting you are some form of wide-area border collie^[2]?

- Kahuna, giving Darth Teddy the benefit of the doubt regarding his herding instinct.

Not to mention a case of prowling bear, hidden anaconda.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

I think it’s a personal best.

- Vandoofus, on sleeping in from 8pm to 8am.

Yeah, he was completely baffled.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on the outcome of her anonymous nuisance call to Darth Teddy.

Yes later I did, while he was vehemently denying that he booked a seat to fly out of Colombo I had to laugh.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on being asked if she revealed her identity to Darth Teddy.

^[1] Darth Teddy made a sheep sound (in a Bernisdale dialect) at this juncture.

^[2] As an interesting aside, the Wikepedia has this to say: Border Collies are extremely energetic and require a lot of attention. They are better off in a household that can provide them with plenty of exercise and a job to do. Like most herding breeds, they will attempt to herd family members, cats, squirrels, bicycles, cars, or anything else that moves in the absence of other charges.