Son et Lumière at High Noon

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Hot on the heels of their pottery exhibition in early April and the bullock cart protest just last week, United Pachyderms have announced an unconventional sound and light show at high noon on Tuesday, the 3^rd of June.

At the appointed hour, motorists across the island are expected to bring their vehicles to a complete stop in the middle of the road and protest against the rising cost of fuel by tooting their horns and flashing their lights for five minutes. At first glance this might seem, for lack of a better word, unsound. Had the aforementioned horns not been tooted and lights not been flashed, the net energy consumption around noon on Tuesday might in fact be less. Thus, one is compelled to conclude that this elephantine protest would not be very green.

However, closer scrutiny suggests a far more fiendish design behind this madness. Let us digress momentarily to the Big Apple. The shortest unit of time know to the human race^[1] is understood to be the New York second, sometimes called the taxi second. This is defined as the period of time between the light turning green on a Manhattan street and the cabbie behind you hitting his horn. Over time this has become a Pavlovian response, so much so that taxi drivers in New York honk their horns when the light turns green even in the absence of vehicles in front of them.

Back in tropical Colombo, all motorists are New York taxi driver equivalent and will honk their horns and flash their lights should a gnat fart two blocks away. In this context, the sheer deviousness of this latest pachydermal production becomes obvious. Motorists stopping their vehicles for no good reason will cause a massive chain reaction of irritated honking and flashing punctuated by appropriate vocalizations, hand gestures and even fisticuffs. Those who do not wish to protest would be forced to seethe and fume in silence as even the slightest toot would add to the chaos. The amount of time required to clear the resultant gridlock is left as an exercise to the reader.

Have the pachyderms got something right for once? Will their protest fall on deaf ears? Will it cause profound deafness? Will the price of fuel plummet like a budget airline on a wet lease? Will it create a persistent traffic jam of the sort encountered in Lutetia in Asterix and the Banquet^[2]? Your guess is as good as ours.

Stay tuned as we bring you the latest in this developing story.

^[1] The shortest unit of time known is actually the Planck time, defined as the time taken in seconds for a photon traveling at the speed of light to cross a distance of one Planck length. This works out to 5.39121 x 10^-44 seconds, but is believed to be considerably less interesting than the New York second.
^[2] Rene Goscinny and Albert Uderzo, Asterix and the Banquet, Revised (Orion, 2004).

Potty in Paradise or the Coming of the Anti-Pot

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- The new year was ushered in once more on Sunday amidst the backdrop of escalating inflation and in particular, a skyrocketing kirimati futures market.

An incident that took place a few days before the solar transition has been blamed for this latter state of affairs: the Chief Pachyderm had allegedly seen it fit to declare himself the Anti-Pot and call for the smashing of earthenware on a national scale. The objective of this potty activity was evidently to protest against the ruling monkeys having ignored previous protests, potentially having decided to see or hear no evil. Naturally, the Anti-Pot's elegantly ill-conceived plan backfired. Upsetting the fragile clay pot economy just prior to the new year might have been unsound, forcing the masses to use virtually indestructible aluminium pots as piñatas in kana mutti contests was, however, tantamount to blasphemy. The Anti-Pot has since been at the receiving end of choice potshots^[1][2].

The custom of deliberately demolishing earthenware appears to have originated in ancient Greece^[3], no doubt under the auspices of a powerful cabal of potters seeking double-digit growth. Although, discouraged, it survives to the modern day in some Greek restaurants where plates are smashed at the conclusion of the meal to boisterous accompanying music. This activity is limited to purpose-made plates; kitchen utensils are generally left unharmed. It would appear that the Anti-Pot made an elephantine error in targeting the cookware during times of hardship. Had he done his homework, the Bane of Pots would have discovered that crockery contributed to the downfall of Salvador Allende who was President of Chile from 1970-1973. Time Magazine reported^[4] at the time that:

Last week's demonstration, dubbed "the March of the Empty Pots," was organized by the opposition Christian Democrat and National parties to publicize Chile's food shortages and embarrass Allende on the eve of visiting Cuban Premier Fidel Castro's departure. More than 5,000 Chilean women, dressed in simple cotton prints, minis and sleek pantsuits, headed for downtown Santiago, snarling traffic and filling the spring evening air with the sounds of banging pans, patriotic songs and chants of "Chile, si! Cuba, no!"

The CIA is suspected to have been involved in organizing the march, although it is not entirely clear if this was the Central Intelligence Agency or the Culinary Institute of America. In any event, the critical success factor seems to have been banging on the pots, rather than smashing them. While this mode of action seems to suggest some manner of standing wave, further research is deemed necessary to arrive at a definitive conclusion.

In light of the proceedings, Kahuna and Professor Gordon convened an emergency meeting of the Board of Buffoons yesterday to review the Anti-Pot's activities. After speedy deliberation, the Board concluded that these are worthy of an entirely new classification of MH-complete (Mati Haraka) given their mammoth proportions.

On that note, we conclude this potshot and pledge to leave no potsherds unturned in our quest for pottery of the highest order.

^[1] “UNP Pina Valan Kadak Gena Eka Bindapi Gona Ekata Mata Hina,” Lanka Newspapers, April 2, 2008.
^[2] C Kuruppu, “Smashing Pots and Pans: CIA-Inspired,” Sri Lanka Watch.
^[3] deTraci Regula, “Having a Smashing Time in Greece,” About.com.
^[4] “Empty Pots and Yankee Plots,” Time Magazine, December 13, 1971.

The Way of the Buffalo

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- The award of the 2007 Nobel Prize in Physics to Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg for their independent discoveries of the quantum mechanical effect of giant magnetoresistance is indeed most appropriate. There is no question that IBM's subsequent invention of the giant magnetoresistive head and resulting miniaturization of hard disk drives led to the boom in high-capacity consumer electronic devices including the ubiquitous iPod.

It also offers much needed hope that some day, the quantum electodynamic principle of giant cabinetics would be likewise recognized with an appropriate award, preferably decorated with cacti and presented rectally.

In this continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy, we examine the science (yes, there appears to be a method to the madness) behind the construction of a cabinet. The mammoth proportions of the national cabinet have of course been well documented previously, along with more transparent alternatives. The Monster's First Law has also established that the Temple of the Monkey consists of monks and monkeys. A giant cabinet G, can be expressed mathematically as G = S ∪ X, where:

M is the set of incumbents of the Temple;

B is the Bovino number: i.e., the quantum of buffaloes (Bubalus bubalis spp.) needed to generate sufficient methane in 24 hours to cause the inner sanctum of the Temple to ignite with a customary pop upon application of a lit taper. Empirical evidence has established that B ≈ 50 when |M| → 225;

S is a proper subset of M, such that |S| ≥ B;

X is the executive set such that |X| = 1 by definition.

By convention, a giant cabinet consists of the crème de la crème (i.e., the scum) of the Temple, properly termed buffaloes. While monkeys exhibit fermion behavior, buffaloes are bosons and obey Bose-Einstein statistics. Consequently, members of a herd tend to occupy the same quantum state (usually a mud hole) to chew the cud while surrounded by a swarm of flies. Any productivity is purely accidental.

A giant cabinet likewise occupies a single quantum state and hogs all available resources to keep productivity in check. An attendant swarm of deputy monkeys and non-cabinet monkeys provide ancillary services. In the process, greenhouse gases are generated to melt the polar ice and form more mud holes. Thus is secured the survival of the species. Some experts believe that given sufficient time, the bogosity of a single giant cabinet could usher in a new Dark Age, if not an industrial fertilizer plant.

However, another school of thought believes that a giant cabinet is a special type of non-rotating black hole, with attraction so powerful that not even money can escape. The controversial Black Hole Theory of Governance suggests that buffaloes chewing cud in a circle would create a singularity that causes valuables to gravitate towards it to be siphoned off into numbered bank accounts. While there seems to be some evidence of missing funds, experimental evidence of an actual buffalo singularity remains as elusive as the Higgs boson.

Critics of the theory have also pointed out that the Schwarzchild radius of such an object would be improbably large. However, these concerns have done little to prevent the proponents of the theory from hazarding that the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy is actually caused by the Galactic Senate trying to order lunch.

And so the debate rages on; however, one thing remains certain: there is absolutely no shortage of buffaloes. Interested readers will find more buffoonery in our previous stories about parliarmentary bogocracy.

The Low-Down in Westminster

CITY OF WESTMINSTER, United Kingdom -- Despite the perquisites and privileges rendered unto the monkeys, the Temple is indeed a perilous place. Fisticuffs and brawls are commonplace, as is the practice of silencing the opposition with a few well-aimed tomes or items of furniture that had the misfortune of not being securely anchored.

Thus is the decorum with which their elected representatives discharge the business of the people. Of late, nonetheless, assault below the belt has also been practised in the Temple of the Monkey, sinking the traditions of Westminster to all-time low.

A recent discussion between Professor Gordon and Kahuna featured the behaviour of the monkeys. The learned anthropologist Gordon conjectured that should this form of practice take place in the mother of parliaments, the British House of Commons, Outright Buffoonery (OB) would result given the close seating arrangements.

Naturally, this led to extrapolation of such an incident in true British style.

[We begin during Prime Minister’s Question Time]

Prime Minister : …Therefore, Mr Speaker, I firmly believe that the Honourable Leader of the Opposition must ask himself…

[Scuffle from benches]

Member from Wangford : [Interrupting] Mr Speaker, the Honourable Home Secretary has just grabbed me in a most unparliamentary manner!

Home Secretary: [Sotto voce] Bollocks!

Speaker : [Startled] Order please! Will the members please keep their fellow members’ members alone?

Member : Mr Speaker, I wish to raise private member’s bill regarding this most unparliamentary conduct of the honourable member!

Speaker : [Agitated] There will strictly be no raising of members!

Member : Mr Speaker, I must protest most strongly at this limitation placed on members!

Speaker : [Visibly flustered] Is the Honourable Member for Wangford attempting to rise to the occasion?

Member : Mr Speaker, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands if you do not permit my member’s motion!

Speaker : [Turning purple] This exchange is not very uplifting, I will have the offending member removed if you persist in this atrocious behaviour!

Prime Minister : Mr Speaker, will the Honourable Member for Wangford kindly put a sock in it?

Fellow Members : Hear, hear!

[Lot of nodding]

Speaker : [Relieved] We should perhaps break for tea at this point.

Prime Minister : Mr Speaker, I fancy a cuppa myself.

Speaker : [Greatly relieved] Splendid!

And thus concludes this episode in our continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy.

High Living at the Temple of the Monkey

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- It was no secret that the monkeys of the Temple were indeed a privileged lot, what with the subsidized cuisine and bullock carts free of duty. Even so, the discovery of a cannabis plantation on the premises has been quite a shock, as reported in today's Daily Mirror.

Given that the plantation was located on a terraced garden in the main building complex, it certainly gives a new meaning to the term plant pot. However, the discovery of the clandestine gardening operation is likely to put things out of joint for the perpetrators.

On hearing the news, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) issued a statement saying he felt fully vindicated by his decision in April last year to move the Bogotic North Pole of the planet from Sacramento to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte. He added that the California State Legislature is never in an intoxicated state.

KNN will bring you updates of this developing story.

Quantum Electodynamics (QED) 101

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- With electoral bogosity in progress, we now take a scientific view of the proceedings to better understand the underlying principles of any election. The fundamental particle of an election is the ballotino. Ballotinos have zero rest mass and hence do not posses momentum. It is, therefore, quite difficult to actually do something useful with a ballotino. The particles, however, carry the quantum properties of color, promise, spin and strangeness.

Ballotinos are fermions and obey Fermi-Dirac statistics. Consequently, they are also subject to the Pauli exclusion principle. Hence, it is impossible for a group of ballotinos to occupy the same energy state (i.e., political platform) and act like a single entity as would a group of bosons.

Ballotinos carry color charge in a manner similar to gluons, with an anti-color carried backwards in time. However, the rules of ballotino interaction differ considerably from gluon exchange. In particular, ballotino interaction rules are highly political and may differ from election to election. Gluons on the other hand, follow fixed rules. In the current electoral environment ballotinos carry blue (with green in the reverse direction), red (antigreen) and green (antiblue or antired) color charge. Ballotinos with like color charges attract, while unlike charges repels. Unlike charges forced together in a strong talk show field tend to annihilate each other releasing vast amounts of noise.

Ballotinos also interact heavily with bogons. A ballotino may absorb a bogon and change color or recoil in a different direction. A high-energy ballotino may likewise emit a bogon and change color or recoil.

Ballotinos are full of promise, but empirical evidence suggests that these are mostly empty. Some ballotinos are quite strange indeed, even bordering on bovine. There are no known limitations to a ballotino’s strangeness. By virtue of promise and strangeness, ballotinos can put quite a spin on things.

It is common in some nations to use other fundamental particles such as bulletinos to disrupt and cause interference during ballotino interaction. The bulletino possesses mass and, therefore, considerable momentum particularly in the case of the heavy bulletino.

The existence of the anti-ballotino has been theorized, but remains elusive with no experimental evidence found using contemporary particle accelerators. It is rumored that crackpot inventor Professor Gordon may be constructing a purpose-built Ballotinotron or Large Ballotino Collider to discover the absconding anti-particle. Such a device is believed to be possible by arranging a large number of talk show hosts in a ring arrangement. It is feared that the discovery of anti-ballotinos would have the potential to spontaneously annihilate all known political activity.

When contacted by KNN, Gordon vehemently denied he was conducting experiments to discover the anti-ballotino. We continue to monitor the developing lunacy.

Circus Update - Buffoonery Continues

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Bart the Oblivious and St Vandoofus have been re-exported to the opposite ends of the contiguous United States, considerably reducing local Clown Factor (CF) in Sri Lanka. The Peacemaker, however, is at large and appears to be on the offensive.

The Circus is now open for business with a new blog template that has considerably irked Professor Gordon. The portly one has purportedly discovered a thermocline in his bathtub and was not available for immediate comment. Despite these misgivings, the new template has been endorsed by both Vandoofus and the Monster. However, the Monster will be thumped with a large gamma-correction for suggesting that it is too bright.

In political news, enlightened members of the general public were seen armed with broomsticks to greet species of governing monkey of revolutionary disposition. The philosophy of comrade Lenin was ignominiously scuttled to make a hasty retreat and preserve the unholy posterior. Kahuna and Professor Gordon issued a rare joint statement applauding the public action and called for the establishment of the Most Noble Order of the Idala. Detractors, who criticized the statement as being tantamount to legalization of witchcraft, have been offered a knighthood in the proposed Order. The broomstick futures market sky-rocketed during the day's trading, prompting some investors to make a clean sweep.

In related news, Kahuna has proposed that all astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics be cast into the sea under a new memorandum of understanding entered into with Poseidon. Kahuna declined to provide further details of the arrangement, but indicated that His proposals were concrete. Analysts admitted that the medium-term forecast for the industry remained uncertain.

In other news, Utter Buffoonery (UB) has been reported from Menace Mansions, home of the newly betrothed Menace (aka Her Royal Highness) and Huggles. Attempts to construct the traditional milk rice in a rice cooker have been completely bungled by the non-standard use of the steamer attachment. A KNN camera crew which infiltrated the premises has obtained exclusive footage of the debacle. These will be revealed in due course at considerable risk to personal safety.

The Monkey Doctor – Academia Goes Ape

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In academic news, doctoral degrees in that most noble field of political science, are now handed out based on the prospective candidate’s oral aperture (measured in f-stops), vocal magnitude (measured in decibels) and MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) rather than intelligence quotient. Links to unsavory characters? Capital! Extra credits.

The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.

Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.

In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.

Snakes, Ladders and Luddites

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Matters have taken a decidedly serpentine twist with top tax consultant, P Guruge commenting that the latest budget is one of “Snakes and Ladders.” The Daily Mirror Financial Times of 26^th November reported Guruge as saying

One can see rattlesnakes and cobras in addition to a few very dangerous anacondas. If the Finance Minister cannot deal with them properly or eliminate them, the ladders available may not be sufficient not only for him, but for the entire country to have a safe destination.

The full analysis is due to be published next week. Taking time off from his tour of Brazil to speak to the media, Kahuna offered to supply the minister a personal boa constrictor. Experts warned that this could seriously cramp the minister’s style. Meanwhile, the Finance Ministry is reportedly seeking a herpetologist and a carpenter to join their ranks in an effort at damage control.

In more idiotic developments, the newly re-polarized Bogus Village has taken over advanced technology and enterprise development. There goes enterprise technology. We may as well consult the Luddites on our technology policy. It appears that Senator Clinton got it right when she wrote, It Takes a Village.

Kahuna proposes degaussing Parliament while in session (using a flux density of at least 3000 tesla), until such time Professor Gordon launches all politicians into low Earth orbit.

Monkey Business Exposed

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Reporting on the continuing drama of the Temple of the Monkey, the Daily Bogon, regarded as the New York Times of the East, spake thus:

There was high drama on the eve of the election of a Deputy Speaker of Parliament today when Jathika Hela Urumaya MP Ven. Kathaluwe Rathanasara Thera who voted with the Government during the election of the Speaker on April 22 was mercilessly beaten up dragged out of his temple and abducted by a gang of six monks at Rawathawatta, Moratuwa last night.

Although, the fundamental components of the Temple of the Monkey were believed to be monks and monkeys (by the Monster's First Law) it has now come to light that the monks are indeed a hitherto undiscovered species of primate, distinct from and subordinate to Macaca sinica. The monkey, it appears is a far more evolved cousin of the monk, given publicly demonstrated instances of behavior.

In related developments, the collective noun for a group of monks was declared to be a gang.

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- The following decree has been issued by the Powers that Be lead by Kahuna after an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Board of the Universe, last night:

WHEREAS, there has been unilateral agreement on the Monster's First Law declaring the Parliament of Sri Lanka to be a Temple;
AND WHEREAS, the Smithsonian Institution has observed and recorded the behavior and politics of the Temple Monkey of Sri Lanka (Macaca sinica) for a period in excess of thirty years;
AND WHEREAS, such behavior and politics have been replicated with authenticity in the Parliament of Sri Lanka;
IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED that the Parliament of Sri Lanka shall henceforth be known as the Temple of the Monkey with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto with a member of the Holy Orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus) species being designated High Priest and Chief Incumbent with the right to Speak and Preach on behalf of said Temple;
IT IS FURTHER RESOLVED that the Peanut (Arachis hypogaea) shall be the Official Currency and Legal Tender of said Temple with One Hundred and Ninety Peanuts being the equivalent of One Sri Lanka Rupee.

So ordered and adjourned, sine die.

COLOMBO, Bogocratic Socialist Republic??? of Sri Lanka -- Foundations of Sri Lankan politics.

Axiom #1: Parliament => Temple.

Proof: Excerpt from a recent CNN.com news article, "... the all-Buddhist monks party has won 11 seats, making them one of the largest parties in parliament."

Concluding, the rest of the inhabitants are 'Monk'eys.

SACRAMENTO, California Republic -- California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) today demanded that the Bogotic North Pole be moved from his capital Sacramento to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte (SJ-K), Sri Lanka (ICBM Locator: Latitude = 6.903N, Longitude = 79.908E, Elevation = 35 m). Sacramento was declared Bogotic North after the 2003 recall circus in which Schwarzenegger was brought to power. Tallahassee, Florida previously held the dubious honor after the hanging chad fiasco of 2000, engineered by then Secretary of State, Katherine Harris (R). The Bogotic North Pole should not be confused with the Magnetic North Pole and the Geographic North Pole (also known as True North).

Schwarzenegger said he would be issuing a show cause notice to SJ-K as to why it should not be declared Bogotic North in light of recent electoral buffoonery of pachydermal proportions. Schwarzenegger alleged that this latest debacle was of far greater magnitude than both Florida and California combined. He further alleged that the Parliament of Sri Lanka, situated in SJ-K was located in a specially-designed containment pond to dampen the critical mass of bogosity generated during its sessions. This evidence in itself, he stated would be sufficient to justify his case. The Parliament of Sri Lanka was in a hung state and not available for comment.

Schwarzenegger's move was widely received by the scientific community, who believed it was about time the bogosity of SJ-K was internationally recognized. Experts, meanwhile, confirmed that the late visionary architect Geoffrey Bawa knew what he was doing when he decided to place parliament in the middle of a lake. It was the general opinion that more parliaments should be surrounded by water with the option of Complete Submersion on Demand (CSoD). Lawmakers are, however, expected to protest this latest opinion as environmentally unsound practice. Analysts dismissed these concerns saying the methane emissions from most parliaments are a greater threat, considering the contribution to global warming.