The Turing Misadventures: Part 2 - The Huggles Doughnut Conundrum

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Late last year, a number of clowns gathered for dinner amidst much pandemonium. St Vandoofus, Darth Teddy, Timmy, The Monster and Her Royal Highness were among the assembled contingent. Kahuna was notably absent from the proceedings citing a suspicious and completely unverifiable prior engagement.

Given the already high Clown Factor, the event had rapidly descended into madness when the topic of conversation had been hijacked by known deviant Timmy and taken, kicking and screaming, into a candidly anatomical discussion of Huggles. At least of the more interesting parts of Huggles. While Huggles, blissfully asleep down under was unaware of his rising popularity at the time, Her Royal Highness had not been amused by the topic of conversation and had offered stiff resistance. However, not unsurprisingly, the prurient interest had prevailed and the highly questionable use of doughnuts had been proposed by Timmy as a unit of measurement of the length of the male endowment. The precise doughnut number for Huggles had not been accurately deduced despite a rather uplifting discussion. Nonetheless, there had been broad consensus that this would indeed be a large number.

Several weeks afterward, just prior to his arrival in this part of the world, Huggles was told of the doughnut conundrum by Kahuna. Being a large clown and unaware of his own doughnut number, Huggles made inquiries from Kahuna. This led to a hurried consultation between Kahuna and St Vandoofus:

Kahuna (K): Huggles wants to know how many doughnuts.
Vandoofus (V): Depends on the width of the doughnut.
K: In international standard doughnuts?
V: Also depends on the cream filling.
K: In the doughnut?
V: Yes.

It quickly became obvious that not even a team of huskies enticed by an extra ration of stew could have salvaged that conversation. Huggles had to contend with disappointment.

During a subsequent dinner at Chutney's mooted by Her Royal Highness to celebrate Huggles's birthday, Kahuna caused chaos by arranging the supply of doughnuts to the venue. Due to an apparent topological malfunction at the bakery, some of the doughnuts arrived as non-toroidal manifolds causing further chaos, and attracted highly inappropriate suggestions for making them holy once more. The wait staff of the establishment were no doubt traumatized by the spectacle of Darth Teddy brandishing a toroidal doughnut in his attempt to measure Huggles.

It is suspected that Kahuna was aided an abetted by the all-powerful Admiral in sourcing doughnuts. Operating in kernel mode and able to summon the general manager with a single system call, the Admiral demonstrated wide powers at the venue. These included the power to commandeer the restaurant, in nautical tradition, and reverse payment transactions, much to the irritation of Her Royal Highness.

However, despite all efforts, the doughnut number for Huggles has remained elusive. Kahuna finally consulted God to demystify the situation and broached the topic:

Kahuna (K): How many doughnuts can you put on your dick?
God (G): Around 1000.

It seemed that God was certainly well-endowed and not shy about it either. However, God did not seem entirely convinced about Huggles:

K: How many doughnuts can Huggles put on his dick?
G: Not as many as you might think.

And so we have come full circle. On that dodgy and highly inconclusive note, we take your leave for today.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 42

Gah! Didn't know this thing had chat.

— The Monster, on being accosted by Kahuna on Facebook chat.

Ask it to buy a dongle and stop whining.

— Gordon to Kahuna, weighing in heavily on the Vandoofus Bluetooth fiasco.

Are you on Michael Dell's customer support staff?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Gordon's customer service mindset.

I can't find "safely remove"; I'm just going to pull it out.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confounded by Universal Serial Bus technology.

She must be up to something dodgy, like spending money.

— Huggles to Kahuna, on being told of Her Royal Highness roaming the city unsupervised.

Well, I'll put a stop to that from tomorrow.

— Huggles to Kahuna, vowing to personally impose sanctions on Her Royal Highness.

I was told yesterday that you were the topic of discussion at the last dinner: specifically, parts of your anatomy.

— Kahuna, informing Huggles of an explicit dinnertime conversation in absentia.

You know Timmy and Teddy, mind in the bloody gutter.

— Huggles to Kahuna, unsurprised at being the main course.

Everybody misses me, I feel so special.

— Huggles to Kahuna, basking in the afterglow of undue attention.

Some of them are after specific parts of you.

— Kahuna, warning Huggles of underhand moves.

Has the butler assumed power yet?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, eagerly awaiting the Butlerian Jihad.

The butler is ironing my shirt as we speak.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing an unexpected delay in the revolution.

He might bean you with a rolling pin later.

— Kahuna, in hope of a desirable outcome in the power struggle between Vandoofus and his butler.

I am in an undisclosed location.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confessing on emulating Dick Cheney to avoid Huggles.

I'm sure Huggles will find you; You'd better buy some doughnuts to distract him.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, proposing devious toroidal countermeasures.

Teddy has a habit of grabbing him in the doughnuts.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, warning of Darth Teddy getting physical with Huggles.

You're spending way too much time in her chambers.

— Kahuna, disapproving of Vandoofus constantly consulting with his lawyer.

I need a lot of legal advice.

— Vandoofus, in his own defense.

You should slow down at your age.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the perils of excessive legal counsel.

My God!

— Darth Ching, encountering Kahuna armed with a camera in church.

I will have you replaced by a robot if you don't tone it down; preferably a lighter model.

— Kahuna's Lightweight Droid Solution to the Existential Gorden Problem.

I could have you replaced by a garden gnome and no one would notice the difference.

— Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis to Dislodge Kahuna.

In your case the difference would become obvious as the refrigerator alarm will not sound at midnight.

— Kahuna's Midnight Snack Retort to Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis.

Bastard!

— Kahuna, reacting in no uncertain terms to Vandoofus acquiring a new Macbook.

I will let you play with it.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

Do you know how to use it?

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Vandoofus's technological savvy.

I might just run Windows VM.

— Vandoofus, confirming Kahuna's fears with his plans to slow down Mac OS X.

Are you sure you spelt that out correctly?

— Huggles, learning of Kahuna's intent to walk.

Yes, I'm sure, you pervert!

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yeah, I was thinking of you while walking.

— Kahuna, on being asked by Huggles if he was missed.

I knew it, it was misspelt.

— Huggles to Kahuna, fearing the worst.

I'm going to shave and shower now and maybe spell correctly.

— Kahuna to Huggles, revealing His morning ablutions in unnecessary detail.

Just because your butler imposes an early dinner regime doesn't mean the rest of us have to fall in line.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on being told that His dinnertime was late.

Is this some sort of an attempt at a cardio activity?

— Vandoofus, questioning the motive behind Kahuna's plan to walk at 4 am.

No, it's an attempt at surprising the neighborhood rooster.

— Kahuna, peeved at Vandoofus questioning the obvious.

Are you going to engage in sexual activity with the rooster?

— Vandoofus, plotting to implicate Kahuna in a clandestine tryst.

Don't talk cock.

— Kahuna, dismissing Vandoofus's feather-brained fantasy.

Why can't you just eat roast paan and parippu like normal people?

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation at Kahuna constructing a seafood cannelloni.

You seem to have grown quite attached to Huggles.

— Kahuna, observing Vandoofus hobnobbing with Huggles.

That's just the cover.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, hinting at a more nefarious plan.

Their current location is unknown, but probably involves a bed.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on the whereabouts of Vandoofus and his lawyer.

From what I hear, their trip planning was a bit dodgy.

— The Baroness, reviewing intelligence reports of the Vandoofus Expedition with Kahuna.

Did you doubt my navigation skills?

— Vandoofus, on Kahuna's surprise at the return of his dodgy expedition.

I'm online with London regarding said skills, or lack thereof.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, admitting to spying for the Baroness.

You can't refer to your husband in the manner reserved for MI6.

— Kahuna, objecting to the Baroness referring to the Baron solely by letter.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

Picturesque Kyleakin

Picturesque Kyleakin (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna) 

KYLEAKIN, Isle of Skye -- More photographs from the picturesque Kyleakin^[1] harbor visited by Kahuna and Darth Teddy towards the end of summer in 2005. The water was calm enough in some places to form almost perfect reflections. The last photograph shows the ruins of Castle Moil in the background.

It is believed that Darth Teddy attempted to get Kahuna intoxicated at the King Haakon Bar on the last night spent on the island. However, to this day, little is known about what transpired, thereafter.

Captured on 10^th September 2005 using a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1.

More stories and photographs from the Isle of Skye can be found here.

^[1] Pronounced Kyle-AH-Kin. Called Caol Acain in Gaelic, meaning the Strait of Haakon, is named after King Haakon IV of Norway. 

The Stalk

The Stalker (Copyright (cc) D Teddy 2008)

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- A Leopard stalking its prey while we observed quietly in the background.

Captured on 23^rd August 2008 using a Canon EOS 400D (EF-S 55-250mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and ISO 400. The focal length was set to 250mm and the colour was achieved by setting the Picture Style to Sepia. 

The Paws of Teddy

The Paws of Teddy (Copyright © 2008 B Kahuna)

DIYALUMA FALLS, Sri Lanka -- The Paws of Teddy, widely reputed to be up to no good, are seen here adjusting their owner's Canon EOS 400D, opposite the Diyaluma Falls.

Captured in sepia on 18^th March 2008 using a Canon EOS 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and a resultant shutter speed of 1/200^th of a second. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 38

You speak as if you need to mount an expedition to the Andes on llamas.

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's lack of enthusiasm in locating important literary works lost in the depths of his lair.

Moistness comes to those who are patient.

— Darth Teddy's Patient Teddy Hypothesis.

May the cat o' nine tails feature prominently in your immediate future.

— Kahuna, raising hopes of a long-overdue disciplinary encounter for Darth Teddy.

No doubt your ancestor Obadiah Gordon was the surveyor in question.

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in the border dispute between Georgia and Tennessee due to a 200-year old cartographic error.

Your relational algebra is getting me down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing frustration with Kahuna's latest insinuations.

I should have sent you to find the serial number of the air starter armed with a candle in a methane atmosphere a long time ago.

— Kahuna, regretting not sending Gordon on a deadly quest after reading the antics of Dimi and the Chief.

I didn't realize Benedict XVI had such a position on his payroll.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the Pope's chief astronomer saying that life on Mars cannot be ruled out.

Each Mihin Air flight should also be dubbed a miracle once it lands.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting that F-117 pilots dubbed themselves bandits, with each given a bandit number after their first flight.

I'm contemplating assigning you a bandicoot number.

— Kahuna, unveiling plans to enumerate Gordon in an arguably less flattering manner.

The anaconda may be fed on Tuesday or Monday.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, posting a new feeding schedule.

You can't just install Windows here; plus, Linux is better on lower spec hardware.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reneging on a lifelong pact with Redmond and admitting to dabbling in Linux.

Did you run the bug detector before you uttered that statement? I believe the central control room in Redmond just went into red alert.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of possible reprisals from Ballmerville.

Maybe I'll just put my lens in my pocket and tell people am happy to see them.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing an alternative use for his telephoto zoom lens.

You will note that the root cause of this is the lack of prayer to the great god Baal with a cactus up one's ass.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the hazards of commencing projects without divine intervention.

Are you the chicken or the pig?

— Fluke, attempting to establish if Kahuna was merely involved or committed.

Neither; I'm the wolf who's got his eye on your ass.

— Kahuna to Fluke, disclosing a completely different agenda.

This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's need to do bitwise AND across rows using SQL.

The database engine will evaluate the code and after it determines that you wrote it, it will twiddle its interrupts and count cache misses.

— Kahuna, explaining the personalized execution plan for Gordon's SQL code.

I understand you intend on unleashing the anaconda on foreign soil.

— Fluke, expressing concern over Kahuna's proposed visit to the Orient with Darth Teddy.

Imperial stock is on the rise, however; someone's been telling a lot of lies somewhere.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attributing market sentiment to fresh baloney.

These shares entitle you to attend the AGM and heckle the board.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon of his rights as an Imperial stockholder.

I am usually at one with pussy, mostly 'cause I haven't had the opportunity to be with two.

— Darth Teddy, postulating the Tao^[1] of Teddy.

You're the Bone of Contention; or more aptly, the Boner of Contention.

— Kahuna, expounding the Te^[2] of Teddy.

A banana is a dangerous construct; if the terminator is missed it could go on forever: bananananananananananananana...

— Kahuna to Gordon, illustrating the little-known hazards in handling bananas.

You need professionalalalalalalal help.

— Gordon, seeking to institutionalize Kahuna.

Oh, he's been offering furtive cuddles in exchange for your endorsement?

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of receiving kickbacks from Darth Teddy.

I operate in bright sunlight unlike some of us who are cuddling up to the dark side.

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of dabbling in the dark arts.

I cannot resist the dark side of the farce; it is a calling I simply cannot resist.

— Fluke to Kahuna, admitting to being seduced by the dark side and more specifically by Darth Teddy.

If someone turns up for lunch after a 0640 arrival, I would greet them with a Howitzer.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the correct protocol for dealing with idiots who might invite themselves for a midday meal after a grueling intercontinental flight.

Do you have access to this idiot's remote management port? You will replace its BIOS with the MP3 version of Help me Rhonda.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a permanent fix for a chronic idiot.

Clowns in adjoining workspaces have come to ask what I'm laughing about BTBOTP.

— Gordon, admitting to workplace chaos during a conversation with Kahuna.

And you'll be using your rubber ducky as your scepter when you take over?

— Kahuna, expressing misgivings on Fluke being His potential successor.

More likely my Barrel-O-Slime.

— Fluke, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

Oh, you'll be needing props?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Fluke's selection of accessories.

You would be nothing if not for connectivity.

— Darth Teddy's Connected Kahuna Principle.

You would be nothing without your snake.

— Kahuna's Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

The first mongoose to turn up will disrupt your business model.

— Kahuna's Corollary to the Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

I will have you covered in topsoil if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to compost Kahuna.

This is no time for humus.

— Kahuna, unamused.

Teddy only knows things related to humping.

— Kahuna to Fluke, dismissing Darth Teddy as an authority on the merits of Ethernet switches versus hubs.

I will fit a turbocharger on your ass linked to a dynamo that will give you a jolt each time you fart.

— Gordon, proposing a rather anal Rube Goldberg mechanism to deal with Kahuna.

A magnesium flare shoved up your ass will help you see the error in your ways.

— Kahuna, retaliating with incandescent measures to help Gordon see the light.

Your paws tend to wander when unsupervised.

— Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

They also do when they're supervised. What's your point?

— Darth Teddy's Pointless Supervision Corollary to Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

And will you squeal like a piglet if I send you a toy?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, plotting to distribute dodgy gifts.

^[1] Tao, (Chinese: 道; Pinyin dao; Wade-Giles: tao; audio) is a metaphysical concept found in Taoism, Confucianism, and more generally in ancient Chinese philosophy. While the character itself translates as "way," "path," or "route," or sometimes more loosely as "doctrine" or "principle," it is used philosophically to signify the fundamental or true nature of the world.
^[2] Te, (Chinese: 德; pinyin: dé; Wade-Giles: te; audio) is a key concept in Chinese philosophy, usually translated "inherent character; inner power; integrity" in Taoism.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 22: The Way of Uranus (Featuring Dr Teddy)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Where will Google go next with the Earth, Moon and Mars already mapped? Kahuna and Professor Gordon pondered this very question and ended up in unchartered territories necessitating a flashlight:

Kahuna (K): Google Moon? X-(
Gordon (G): Indeed I saw this. Google Uranus is around the corner no doubt.
K: I was just thinking.
G: That must be a new experience.
K: You will experience Google Uranus firsthand with a proctologist, if you don't watch it.
G: No doubt you will too, with Dr Teddy in Haputale.
K: I believe Dr Teddy's interests lie elsewhere.
G: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
K: Indeed; I believe it has not got laid for a while X-(
G: There you go.
K: X-(

Despite Gordon's misgivings, Dr Teddy was quite mildly-behaved in Haputale. However, this appears to have been a temporary aberration and the allegedly cuddly one is now understood to be frolicking at an undisclosed location.

No proctologists were harmed during this production.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 37

Those who can, blog; those who can't blog, comment; and those who can't comment, bellyache.

— Kahuna's First Law of Blogging.

Well I wouldn't complain if we could teleport say, Beyonce, in that mode.

— Gordon to Kahuna, supporting teleportation of the form illustrated in the Dilbert strip of April 22, 2008.

I am now in possession of the Subtle Knife and the Amber Spy Glass.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to surreptitiously amassing more dark materials.

This is in addition to your anaconda, no doubt?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, trying to establish an accurate inventory.

You're messaging while waltzing?

— Gordon, on receiving a short message from Kahuna while at a party.

I am now in motion as prescribed by Newton after the unfortunate incident with the apple.

— Kahuna, informing Darth Teddy of His impending arrival.

At the rate you're falling ill, I suggest you join GlaxoSmithKline as a guinea pig.

— Kahuna, writing a prescription for Fluke.

Then again, you'll probably succumb to the next virus, or possibly a light crosswind.

— Kahuna, issuing quite a shaky prognosis for Fluke.

Will that be hand-luggage as well?

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's travel plans for his anaconda.

Hopefully someone else's, yes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing to stow his anaconda away in other people's luggage.

Your snake's tendency to poke around in other people's nooks and crannies is noted.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of the situation.

Indeed, it is friendly.

— Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I believe one George Armstrong Custer made a silly statement like that at his last stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

— Kahuna, drawing parallels between Fluke's folly and that of Lt Col Custer at the infamous Battle of the Little Bighorn.

Uuru meeya is a bandicoot, you fool.

— Gordon, objecting strongly to Kahuna translating uuru meeya as a tree-dwelling rat^[1].

Your employment as a translator at the UN would ensure the outbreak of World War III.

— Gordon, casting serious doubt about Kahuna's language skills.

Nurse, get an IV, 13% ethanol by volume, stat!

— Dr Kahuna, finding Darth Teddy's blood alcohol content to be dangerously low in the ER.

I propose to line up both factions and have an elephant lob durians at them. You will check if Naalaagiri is available.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining a rather noxious proposal to deal with a split in the commies.

I would have imagined that a spider of the sort that accosted one L M Muffet would have made you run a mile.

— Kahuna, proposing to place Fluke on a tuffet.

At those prices they probably installed a force field.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on how the exclusive Taprobane Island might have escaped the tsunami.

What is that dildo on the right?

— Kahuna to Gordon, unmoved by the Logitech Driving Force™ GT.

That's the shift lever.

— Gordon to Kahuna, setting the record straight about his proposed acquisition.

You're back in Las Kahunas damn it; change your status.

— Fluke, pointing out an inconsistent status on Facebook after Kahuna's return from the subcontinent.

You would sell your soul to the devil if it allowed you to harass me.

— Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I already have an MOU with him.

— Kahuna's Infernal Cahoots Confession to Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I am willing my credit card to stay in my wallet.

— Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

This is like willing your anaconda to stay in your pants.

— Kahuna's Roaming Anaconda Retort to Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

You should be watching consenting adults release their inhibitions at this hour.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna watching a surgical Carpal Tunnel Release procedure in the dead of the night.

I could improve the ambiance with an M1A1 Abrams if you like.

— Gordon, offering to enhance the experience of Kahuna's proposed visit to Ambiente along with Darth Teddy.

Do you think I could plug the Ella Gap with your posterior?

— Kahuna, attempting to make Gordon the butt of his latest plans.

Can I invite that dolphin here to lead all politicians out to sea?

— Kahuna to Gordon, upon learning of the dolphin who led stranded whales back to sea in New Zealand.

Haputale Kanda á la Brokeback Mountain?

— Gordon, drawing highly unnecessary parallels regarding Kahuna's proposed visit to the hills with Darth Teddy.

I will tie you to the bara baage and detach it from the propulsion system while on the incline.

— Kahuna, threatening drastic measures on the Haputale climb to silence Gordon.

By the Willies of Kahuna and Teddy?

— Fluke to Kahuna, hazarding a guess at the meaning of BTWOKT.

You're of course free to swear by our willies; however, the more conventional meaning is By the Whiskers of Kurvi-Tasch.

— Kahuna, enlightening Fluke on the correct meaning of BTWOKT as intended by Hergé in the fictional regime of Taschist Borduria.

Well it's not new; my willy has been the hot topic around the globe for a few years now.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, learning of Fluke's cocksure faith.

This is like blatantly stacking crates of uranium in the same room.

— Kahuna, learning of the Monster converging on Alpharetta to complete a gathering of Clan Gordon.

^[1] Literally, uuru meeya means pig rat. However, this refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) distinct from the Bandicoot proper (order Peramelemorphia).

The Law of the Circus - Part 1

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Difficult as it is to believe, more than three years have passed since the first publication of Unquotable Quotes back in March of 2005. The 37^th edition is expected to hit the streets sometime during the long weekend, barring an unforeseen act of Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes—perhaps better known as UQ—is the original commentary made by the large clowns infesting the Circus. Over the years, these clowns have uttered many choice statements that have been converted by Kahuna into laws, principles, hypotheses, corollaries, lemmas and even a prayer or two.

In hindsight, it would seem that arch motorist Professor Gordon started the wheel rolling when he propounded his Law of Legislated Potholes in UQ10. Soon after, Gordon followed up with his Principle of Volumetric Ornithology after a pelican decided to relieve itself on his then flagship automobile, GITT Mk II. This incident also gave rise to an entirely new field of study.

However, we digress. Here for the first time is a comprehensive reference to the Law of the Circus, in order of publication date:

From UQ10:

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

— Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

From UQ11:

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

— Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

— The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

— Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

— Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

— Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

From UQ12:

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

— The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

From UQ14:

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

— Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

From UQ15:

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

— Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

From UQ16:

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

— Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

— Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

From UQ19:

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

— Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

— Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

— Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

From UQ20:

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

— Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

From UQ21:

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

— Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

From UQ24:

The best parts of learning are the stains.

— Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

Mothers get along with me.

— Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

— Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

— Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

— Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

— Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

From UQ28:

Smooch is not equal to hump.

— Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

— Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

From UQ29:

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

From UQ30:

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

From UQ31:

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

From UQ32:

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

From UQ33:

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

From UQ34:

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

From UQ35:

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

From UQ36:

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

The Road to Dambatenna

The Green Fields of Dambatenna (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)


Tea Leaves after Rain (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

 
The Marker (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna)

DAMBATENNA, Sri Lanka -- In March this year, Kahuna and Darth Teddy took some time off to tour Haputale and Ella. These photographs were taken on the drive up from Haputale to Dambatenna. This road eventually leads to that panoramic viewpoint, Lipton's Seat.

The Dambatenna Group, whose immaculately pruned tea estates adorn the road, must be commended for the care they've taken to clearly identify each road with nary a fork left unmarked. These chaps know what they're doing. It would take considerable effort to get lost up here. This made a welcome difference from some highways under the purview of the the so-called Road Development Authority (RDA), which were completely devoid of any markings that might have given travelers an inkling of their location.

Captured on 17^th March 2008 using a Canon EOS 30D. The second photograph was taken with an EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II and the other two with the highly non-bogus EF 50mm 1:1.8 II. 

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages - Part 9: Dissonance in the Dark

HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, United Kingdom -- Today we bring you a conversation between Darth Teddy and Kahuna from several months ago when the anaconda keeper was being a public nuisance in the greater Watford area.

Darth Teddy is an ardent Manchester United fan and—like others of similar disposition—considers Old Trafford to be the Holy Land. The allegedly cuddly one spends significant time engaged in religious observances, including but not limited to drooling over wonder boy, Cristiano Ronaldo. Woe be unto those who interrupt Sunday football or badmouth the Red Devils. Naturally, this zealous faith leads to the frequent irritation of Kahuna, and this instance was no exception:

Darth Teddy (DT): Now what's bitten you?
Kahuna (K): I'm getting cheesed off by your religious observances.
DT: Well you are going to have to maintain a stiff upper lip and swallow it cause the faith ain't getting weaker.
K: Swallow it? This is a highly dodgy metaphor X-(
DT: Indeed, I know. It was done intentionally.
K: Stiff upper lip, indeed. In your case this could only mean one thing X-(
DT: Stop harping.
K: Bah, you need to be bashed with a trumpet.
DT: I'm sure.
K: I don't like your tone.
DT: Bah, you are listening to the wrong key.
K: You need to be knocked down a few octaves if you ask me.
DT: Nonsense, you are clutching at semitones.
K: Crotchety today aren't we?
DT: Utter hogwash, you are full of woodwind.
K: A well-tuned oboe will settle your hash once and for all.
DT: Bah, you need a violin bow to straighten you out.
K: A contrabassoon dropped on your big toe will change your tune.
DT: Oh stop blowing your trombone.
K: That's quite a bass remark X-(
DT: It should bring down your treble.
K: You're striking quite a discord here.
DT: Your flute should get some blowing if you ask me.
K: You never managed to finger your piccolo right did you?
DT: Er no, I specialize in fingering 3rd party piccolos.
K: You should keep your crumhorn^[1] to yourself X-(
DT: Nonsense, my crumhorn has been the pleasure of many a piccolo.
K: This would explain the high notes, yes X-(
DT: Indeed, I have a knack of tapping the right keys.
K: Bah, you're just fingering in the dark.
DT: Jealousy rings like a triangle from your voice.
K: Why don't you go beat your own drum?
DT: Nonsense, I have enoughs sticks to call upon to beat my drum.
K: This is like placing the monkey in charge of the baton X-(
DT: Very well, I will dispatch a monkey to play with your baton.
K: Kindly keep your monkey off my baton X-(
DT: My monkey has no interest in your baton. However, I shall make sure I dispatch one that does. I shall now abscond to construct kottu.
K: keep your monkey out of trouble.

Quite a cacophony if you ever heard one. Darth Teddy's baton-seeking monkeys never turned up, possibly having stuffed themselves on kottu instead.

Sadly, the remainder of this conversation is completely unbloggable, mostly due to a discussion of Darth Teddy's hitherto unknown kinky nature. We can, however, conclude that there is a high likelihood of a cat o' nine tails featuring prominently in the Bear's future. On that disturbing note, we conclude today's post.

^[1] It's not what you're thinking. A crumhorn is a perfectly legitimate musical instrument of the woodwind family. More details here.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 36

I will have you and your mobile sent back in time to just after A G Bell invented the telephone to have him beat you senseless with the instrument.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's new HTC Touch mobile phone.

Now's your chance to pee in it.

— Darth Teddy, advocating pollution on hearing of Kahuna cruising along the Nile.

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

On the jam-packed flight to New York as people shuffled past to the back, the lady behind me tells her neighbor, "It's like trying to get twenty clowns into a Volkswagen."

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of being made party to an involuntary circus.

We have just finished boarding and the aircraft doors are now closed. If your destination was not Atlanta, it is now.

— A flight attendant on Gordon's flight back from New York, sealing his fate.

By the same logic, I feel vindicated regarding naming your blimp Fat One.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting that the Pope's flight was designated Shepherd One.

Have they already identified you as a threat?

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna being provided an armed escort in Egypt.

Possibly; there's a clown with a semi-automatic weapon in front of me.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reporting of security measures en route to Abu Simbel.

I'm making the down-payment on his pyramid.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, learning that He was being sought by Gordon.

You don't appear impressed by these disclosures.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on receiving a lukewarm response to a routine status report from Egypt.

Unless you disclose that you have a belly dancer at your disposal, you would be right.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, setting minimum mandatory standards for reporting.

Have you disrobed it and had your way?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on learning of a belated appearance by the belly dancer.

Of course not; that would be your department. However, there wasn't much to disrobe.

— Kahuna, declining to encroach upon Darth Teddy's humping grounds whilst reporting that the minimum mandatory clothing requirement had been met, barely.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

Do you remember my Skype ID?

— Gordon to Kahuna, in the midst of yet another identity crisis.

Medical leave? Were you bitten by Darth Teddy?

— Kahuna, fearing the worst upon hearing of Fluke being indisposed.

Hogwash! It is merely a viral infection, nothing more; and you will do well to keep the Cuddly One out of this.

— Fluke, in his own defense.

A virus? What kind of self-respecting virus would wish to infect you? This won't look good on its resume you know.

— Kahuna, voicing concerns over Fluke's viral infection.

Cuddly One? Since when did you get upgraded to CO? You were the Allegedly Cuddly One last time I checked.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy's use of unapproved titles.

I've put in a good word for you with Osiris.

— Kahuna to Fluke, outlining a deadly agenda.

Why is your avatar in the shower?

— Kahuna, finding the Monster's avatar on Yahoo engaged in ablutions.

Do you always have your shower with a towel on?

— Kahuna to the Monster, questioning the need for a towel while the water was running.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

On account of being the largest clown present?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna wearing a Santa hat at a Christmas party.

Did you set fire to the Duck's office?

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting a fire in the offices of US Vice President Richard B 'Duck' Cheney.

The Duck was probably having a bonfire.

— Gordon to Kahuna, downplaying the incident as routine.

Ah yes, the CIA tapes; it all fits now.

— Kahuna to Gordon, attempting to implicate the Duck in sensitive tapes destroyed by the CIA.

Your obsession with pi is noted by Rachel Ray.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the failed Indiana Pi Bill which would have legislated the value of pi to 3.2.

I will thump you with a natural logarithm if you start to get approximate with me.

— Kahuna, taking exception with Gordon's cavalier, but highly rational attitude towards pi.

I wonder if whatever I fabricate is automatically backward integrated into history?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the existence of an Ebenezer Gordon in the 19^th century who also happened to be engaged in the photography trade.

So you finally admit to fabrication?

— Gordon, attempting at long last to bring Kahuna to book for falsifying the historical record.

Nonsense, you can see photographic evidence now.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's unsupervised activities across the continent.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Your considerable girth and personal gravitational field ought to be enough to sway any jury.

— Kahuna, on establishing Gordon's Santa Identity.

This would explain the reindeer picketing.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be outsourcing his Christmas deliveries.

Given its architectural skills, the edifice will collapse on its own accord.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing a structurally unsound view of an idiot architect.

I will shoot the inventors of these screwdrivers.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing grave annoyance with non-standard screw heads led by the quasi-bogus Tri-Wing design.

Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 8 - The Fowl and the Ruffled

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna was poking around in His vast archives when He came across a conversation that took place last year with Darth Teddy. Needless to say, this one ruffled more than a few feathers with some extremely fowl references:

Darth Teddy (DT): Are you fowling around?
Kahuna (K): There is no need to make birdbrained assumptions.
DT: Nonsense, you are clucking around.
K: You're being quite a cock about this X-(
DT: Well its better than being a bird on a wire.
K: I'll tar and feather you X-(
DT: That's a load of poppycock.
K: Bah, you were preening around like a peacock.
DT: Rubbish, you seem to be displaying your birdbrain.
K: You're getting quite batty X-(
DT: You sound like you are after a night with one Snuffleupagus X-(
K: Oh and this from the serial humper? X-(
DT: I will slay you like the road runner by Acme.
K: You will be too busy mounting to do anything else.
DT: Bah, quite a fowl statement.
K: Fowl, but true X-(
DT: This is all circumstantial.
K: I will decorate you with the Order of the Energizer Bunny with French Ticklers if you persist X-(
DT: I have already decorated said bunny.
K: Oh? Dare I ask what with?
DT: No, you may not.
K: I see you've made a big mess again X-(
DT: Eh? Where?
K: Where else X-(
DT: Bah, you have no proof.
K: Oh, I think fifty rubbers is more than enough proof.
DT: Bah, nonsense.
K: Where are the rubbers then? X-(
DT: I don't know what you are talking about.
K: Let me send you some more then.
DT: Gah, whatever are you talking about?
K: Just don't open any packages in public :-P
DT: Very well.

On that dodgy note, we conclude this post, which is incidentally piloting our new dialog format.

In related news, it is believed that the Allegedly Cuddly One is on the prowl once more, this time armed with a digital SLR in addition to his anaconda.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

NUGEGODA, Sri Lanka -- DT continues his new found hobby.

Come on Baby Light My Fire!!!

RATMALANA, Sri Lanka -- Teddy gets down to business after landing on home soil.

Depth of Field Rocks!!!

Depth of field (Copyright © 2008 Darth Teddy)

APSLEY LOCK, Hemel Hempstead - DT still playing with his new toy.

Need I Say More?

Absolut Joy (Copyright © 2008 Darth Teddy)

EVANS WHARF, Hemel Hempstead -- Made good use of my new 50mm lens. I am sure most of you would agree. 

Little Drops of Teddy

Little Drops of Teddy (Copyright © 2008 Darth Teddy)

EVANS WHARF LOO, Watford -- Little drops of Teddy taken using his new Canon Digital SLR 400D on aperture priority (f/3.5) and a resultant shutter speed of 1/200^th of a second.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 7 - The Way of the Sheep

KINGTON, Herefordshire -- A few days ago, mysterious goings-on were reported from this quiet market town near the Welsh border. According to eyewitness accounts about a hundred sheep were seen forming an almost-perfect circle in a roadside field, causing great astonishment among the local populace.

While crop circles seem to be more commonplace, this would appear to be the first reported occurrence of a sheep circle. Very little is known about this bizarre phenomenon, leading Kahuna to suspect that dark powers were at play. This naturally led to a confrontation with Darth Teddy, who is coincidentally located a little over a hundred and thirty miles away in Watford.

Kahuna      : Did you have anything to do with this?
Darth Teddy : Er no, crop circles are Gordon's 
              department.
Kahuna      : That was my initial suspicion as well 
              but, the sheep led me in your 
              direction.
Darth Teddy : Er, I believe you are the one that is 
              dodgy with sheep, so I think this is 
              all your doing.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you are the one who mistook 
              one for a dog.
Darth Teddy : You are well known for getting sheep 
              in trouble.
Kahuna      : That sheep in question was not burying
              a bone.
Darth Teddy : In conclusion, I believe you are 
              responsible for leading these sheep 
              astray, or in a circle as the case may
              be.
Kahuna      : And you were attempting to accuse an 
              innocent sheep of falsifying the 
              fossil record.
Darth Teddy : Irrelevant; your sympathy towards said
              sheep prove further that you are 
              leading them astray.
Kahuna      : That's hogwash and you know it.  
              Bernisdale was just the beginning; I
              should have paid more attention to the
              signs.  You are clearly the Sheep
              Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : Ha! A weak attempt to hide from the
              truth.  Your attempts to lead sheep to
              the dark side are well known. This
              time the farmer's tractor just got
              there in time I believe.
Kahuna      : A likely story! Was the collie in on
              this as well?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, do you have control over
              them too?
Kahuna      : I had nothing to do with this X-(
              You're attempting to subvert this
              conversation to cover your tracks.
Darth Teddy : Denial, the first sign of a guilty
              conscience.
Kahuna      : No doubt you offered the collie a bone
              in exchange for its involvement.
Darth Teddy : Tut, tut, I believe the collie was put
              under a spell by you before all this.
Kahuna      : Spell? Are you accusing me of teaching
              it a foreign language?
Darth Teddy : I don't know, did you?
Kahuna      : Certainly not. It all fits into place
              now. You've been blackmailing collies
              to round up sheep in circles.
Darth Teddy : Anyway, enough of this sheep talk.
Kahuna      : You can't speak fluent sheep anyway
              X-(
Darth Teddy : And thus the final piece of the puzzle
              as to who manipulated the sheep.
Kahuna      : Indeed, the Dog Whisperer.
Darth Teddy : [SIGH] Make up your mind.
Kahuna      : You were attempting to mislead us all.
              Since you couldn't influence the
              sheep, you got to the collie X-(
Darth Teddy : Yeah, yeah; your details have been
              passed on to the FBI.

Readers familiar with the adventures of Kahuna and Darth Teddy will recall a previous altercation involving sheep in the cat-infested desolation of Bernisdale on the Isle of Skye. At the time, Kahuna—who speaks fluent sheep—sparked controversy when He attempted to communicate with the some of the incumbent creatures. Tensions were raised further with Darth Teddy claiming to see a sheep burying some manner of ossicular trophy. The matter has not been satisfactorily resolved to this day and continues to be a bone of contention.

The anaconda keeper's motive behind the sheep circle remains a mystery, but is suspected to be nefarious. Kahuna vowed to get to the bottom of the matter and indicated that He will interview the sheep involved during the next few days. It was not immediately clear if He would be yapping with the collie as well.

No sheep were harmed during this production, although the collie did give them the eye several times. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.