HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, United Kingdom -- Today we bring you a conversation between Darth Teddy and Kahuna from several months ago when the anaconda keeper was being a public nuisance in the greater Watford area.
Darth Teddy is an ardent Manchester United fan and—like others of similar disposition—considers Old Trafford to be the Holy Land. The allegedly cuddly one spends significant time engaged in religious observances, including but not limited to drooling over wonder boy, Cristiano Ronaldo. Woe be unto those who interrupt Sunday football or badmouth the Red Devils. Naturally, this zealous faith leads to the frequent irritation of Kahuna, and this instance was no exception:
Darth Teddy (DT): Now what's bitten you?
Kahuna (K): I'm getting cheesed off by your religious observances.
DT: Well you are going to have to maintain a stiff upper lip and swallow it cause the faith ain't getting weaker.
K: Swallow it? This is a highly dodgy metaphor X-(
DT: Indeed, I know. It was done intentionally.
K: Stiff upper lip, indeed. In your case this could only mean one thing X-(
DT: Stop harping.
K: Bah, you need to be bashed with a trumpet.
DT: I'm sure.
K: I don't like your tone.
DT: Bah, you are listening to the wrong key.
K: You need to be knocked down a few octaves if you ask me.
DT: Nonsense, you are clutching at semitones.
K: Crotchety today aren't we?
DT: Utter hogwash, you are full of woodwind.
K: A well-tuned oboe will settle your hash once and for all.
DT: Bah, you need a violin bow to straighten you out.
K: A contrabassoon dropped on your big toe will change your tune.
DT: Oh stop blowing your trombone.
K: That's quite a bass remark X-(
DT: It should bring down your treble.
K: You're striking quite a discord here.
DT: Your flute should get some blowing if you ask me.
K: You never managed to finger your piccolo right did you?
DT: Er no, I specialize in fingering 3rd party piccolos.
K: You should keep your crumhorn[1] to yourself X-(
DT: Nonsense, my crumhorn has been the pleasure of many a piccolo.
K: This would explain the high notes, yes X-(
DT: Indeed, I have a knack of tapping the right keys.
K: Bah, you're just fingering in the dark.
DT: Jealousy rings like a triangle from your voice.
K: Why don't you go beat your own drum?
DT: Nonsense, I have enoughs sticks to call upon to beat my drum.
K: This is like placing the monkey in charge of the baton X-(
DT: Very well, I will dispatch a monkey to play with your baton.
K: Kindly keep your monkey off my baton X-(
DT: My monkey has no interest in your baton. However, I shall make sure I dispatch one that does. I shall now abscond to construct kottu.
K: keep your monkey out of trouble.
Quite a cacophony if you ever heard one. Darth Teddy's baton-seeking monkeys never turned up, possibly having stuffed themselves on kottu instead.
Sadly, the remainder of this conversation is completely unbloggable, mostly due to a discussion of Darth Teddy's hitherto unknown kinky nature. We can, however, conclude that there is a high likelihood of a cat o' nine tails featuring prominently in the Bear's future. On that disturbing note, we conclude today's post.
[1] It's not what you're thinking. A crumhorn is a perfectly legitimate musical instrument of the woodwind family. More details here.
