Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

Unquotable Quotes - Part 34

I think Cleopatra was the best.

— Gordon to Kahuna, having sampled forbidden fruit in the absence of Caesar.

Your darthworthiness has been questioned.

— Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy's credentials after leaking sensitive information about goings-on in Brighton to Fluke.

Bah, the look on your face as you held the rubbers in one hand and the vibrator in the other, like some multi-armed deity, in front of your roommates, is way off the scale.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, disclosing sordid snippets from the Brighton Files.

How many pics of the pussy did you take?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, making highly inappropriate references to members of the genus Panthera.

It was a male leopard; it had the balls to prove it.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, setting the record straight.

Please send more dodgy pictures.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking more incriminating evidence of senior management frolicking in the Yala.

How do you people come up with this buffoonery?

— Fluke to Darth Teddy, seeking to understand the nature of the Farce.

We're clowns.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, explaining the nature of the Farce for the benefit of Fluke.

Perhaps I will poke him; it is a great honor to be poked by Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to prod Fluke on Facebook.

Who the fuck is Fluke?

— Gordon, in his debut performance of Living Next Door to Fluke.

Would you like to have your posterior pummeled?

— Kahuna, inviting Darth Teddy to a game of Scrabble.

You've indicated that we've lived together.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Baroness's dubious disclosures on Facebook.

Yep, let's create a scandal.

— The Baroness, refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.

Does the Baron know about this illicit relationship we've had?

— Kahuna to the Baroness, seeking safe conducts.

I will have you idiots sealed if you don't watch it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure at the respective seals of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

My brother-in-law just threw an imaginary hippo at me.

— The Baroness, announcing the discovery of the Hippopotamus notional spp.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless purchased five pairs of shoes by Imelda Marcos.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, describing a harrowing escape from the Takashimaya with Huggles, duly confounded by Her Royal Highness.

Will you be lobbying for a ban on underwear?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy's stand on the semper ubi sub ubi policy.

I will be confiscating them.

— Darth Teddy, revealing plans for his summer collection.

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

I agree wholeheartedly; let us begin by ceremonially throwing a sheep at his offending posterior.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, agreeing to a rearguard action on Gordon for failure to join Facebook.

I forgot to lock the croc before heading out.

— Gordon to Kahuna, pleading mea culpa to an alligator being found in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

You're attempting to deploy a navy of lake monsters to terrorize the public.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of submarine warfare.

I'll have you whacked with a truckload of kimbula banis^[1] if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to silence Kahuna by means of amphibious baguettes.

Your personal bogosity must have caused an ass-to-cloud discharge.

— Kahuna, speculating that a backfired lightning strike may have led to the untimely demise of Gordon's broadband router.

At this rate, I'll need galvanic isolation.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation at frequent brownouts courtesy of the Ceylon 'Electricity' Board.

I can put you in a Faraday cage if you like.

— Gordon, proposing an extreme solution to isolate Kahuna.

Convert all the exit signs to simplified Chinese and they will die within the building.

— Kahuna to Gordon, offering a viable double-byte solution to clueless management.

Send them to me for Architecture 101; I will confiscate their laptops and give them paper and pencil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical laptopectomy on pointy-haired types.

We might have a few fatalities on the first day due to blood loss from improper use of a pencil, not to mention paper cuts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, setting expectations for Architecture 101.

At the next meeting use a samurai sword as a pointing device.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a cutting-edge solution to clueless management.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

^[1] For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, kimbula means crocodile and a kimbula banis is an elongated, crocodile-shaped bun coated with sugar.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 32

Your face probably scared the mailer daemon.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on why her photograph was not delivered by email.

I have always been intrigued with the correlation between scanning cats and one's own illness.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on Computed Axial Tomography.

Apparently the monkeys have already started putting up banners to welcome you back.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, on a proposed expedition to the Yala.

It is the first time that I've seen a groom with hair longer than the bride's.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's hairdo at his nuptials.

I spilt orange juice on the laptop; it's fried.

— Gordon to Kahuna, declaring sinister deeds with a little help from his offspring.

I suggest you get one of those spill-proof baby bottles for yourself.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for causing a flood.

The keyboard on this thing seems to be made with chewing gum: it requires about 10 kPa to trigger a key.

— Gordon to Kahuna, bellyaching about his replacement laptop.

And the Seagate drive is as noisy as a squirrel on a tin roof.

— Gordon to Kahuna, dismissing the decibel as the preferred unit of measure for hard drive acoustics.

I casually mentioned that I was a university lecturer in IT and she toned it down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, admitting that he threw his considerable weight about to silence a luser.

We speak only Australian.

— Huggles to Kahuna, declaring an Australian-only policy.

Palayang ado.

— Kahuna, resorting to the native language to suggest that Huggles should stick his policy down under.

I have fetishes you wouldn't even dream of.

— Huggles to Kahuna, admitting his penchant for obsessions.

I have to recalibrate the Tomahawk.

— Gordon, on his pressing need for Kahuna's current location.

Application of Vaseline would have severely impacted the diffraction grating.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon's offspring had manifested with a DVD-R and a tub of Vaseline.

Your daughter may be attempting to destroy a second laptop with a well-greased DVD-R.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of weapons of mass diffraction.

She is attempting to override her ACL for objects on the table.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his offspring's efforts to access his tablespace and engineer a second flood.

She didn't take too well to the 403 error and has left.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting the result of revoking tablespace privileges.

She is currently transmitting wail packets on the broadcast address.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting further consequences of his actions.

C9 27 55 2A A7 30 B1 30 89 99 D5 0F 51 0A AA 98.

— Kahuna, laying claim to his own 128-bit integer after the AACS encryption key controversy.

Your emotions are not parsed by this channel; you will switch to approved channels.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for expressing an unsupported emotion [ =)) ] on MSN Messenger.

It seems that lawrencium has no known uses, just like you.

— Kahuna, taking an elementary jab at Vandoofus.

It has a half-life of 216 minutes: just like you, if I get my hands on you.

— Vandoofus, resorting to radioactive decay to deal with Kahuna.

They take being "The World's Local Bank" very seriously; in this part of the world, it appears to be the bullock cart.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on HSBC taking two weeks to deliver a security token.

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I am mucking about with the Seven Cores, the RSX and the Holy SIXAXIS.

— Gordon to Kahuna, swearing by a most unholy trinity.

My august personage shall stand no besmirching by thy vile lies, varlet!

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, redeeming his role as the Bart of San Francisco.

I'm not; this is gross photoshopping by that damned Katussa.

— Bartus Maximus to Gordon, denying that his tongue was seeking intercourse with a nearby ear as suggested by damning evidence obtained by Kahuna.

I shall send you a little effigy of myself that you can pay homage to.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, on diversifying into the ornament and figurine business.

Hello, my name is E. Bunny and I am insatiable.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

A Q minor is a C major with an intercontinental delay.

— Vandoofus, explaining the newly discovered minor scale to Kahuna.

I've always believed in government of Kahuna, by Kahuna for Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Gordon, unveiling His manifesto.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

Intercontinental Cacophony in Q Minor

NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- A conference call was misused under the auspices of Kahuna yesterday in an attempt at synchronized playing of the guitar between continents.

Sources familiar with the situation said that Darth Teddy in Watford and St Vandoofus in New York had rendered various pieces of music including Tears in Heaven and La Bamba while Kahuna listened from his lair in Panadura, Sri Lanka. The Bear had played an electric guitar while His Holiness strummed an acoustic version. It is understood that the duo were highly taken up with the impromptu concert and are exploring future collaboration in the form of a band, provisionally named Finger. The name is Vandoofus's tamer version of the original proposed by Darth Teddy, a self-confessed expert in form of digital manipulation envisaged.

Speaking with KNN this morning, Kahuna denied that He accompanied the duo with a foghorn, but admitted that in hindsight, He regretted instigating the conference. Kahuna revealed that Darth Teddy had become quite a nuisance to the general public since getting his paws on an electric guitar. He added that St Vandoofus had been mucking around with musical instruments for more than a decade and was mostly tolerated as long as he didn't sing. It is understood that the holy one was wont to perform in a hitherto unknown key à la Cacofonix.

KNN also learns that the musically-inclined Bartus Maximus, firmly ensconced at his Three Guitars Ranch in San Francisco also showed interest in yesterday's proceedings and had threatened to join the next session. The latex magnate was playing a round of golf in his boxers and was not immediately available for interview.

In an obligatory potshot at Professor Gordon, the arch-technologist was not available for comment, having disabled non-essential life functions to better integrate with his newly acquired Sony PlayStation 3. Analysts believe this to be tell-tale evidence of a widening rift with Redmond.

The title of this post was proposed by St Vandoofus who said that the guitar rendition sounded as if it had been keyed in the Q minor scale, also discovered yesterday.

KNN will play the developing situation by ear with mufflers on standby.

Gordon Convenes EGM

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In breaking news, it has come to light that an extraordinary general meeting of Clan Gordon has been convened in Georgia under the cover of darkness.

The Monster has arrived in Alpharetta for this unholy gathering convened by his clown sibling, crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. The agenda is believed to include plans to take over the eastern seaboard by neutralising St Vandoofus in New York while also dealing with the threat of Gordon’s arch-nemesis Bartus Maximus, who has ensconced himself in the California Republic.

Speaking to KNN later today, Kahuna emphasised that Gordon's EGM would not constitute a Circus unless the arch-climatoligist declared either his Autonomous Wife or Offspring a clown to arrive at the required quota of three.

KNN will monitor this developing situation.

Gordon, Kahuna to Leave Asia

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Another year has dawned with the passage of the sun from the constellation Pisces to Aries and dairy products were forced into a gaseous phase following the traditional lighting of the hearth. These activities were soon followed by a dangerous rise of the triglyceride level in the bloodstream. Further lunacy is expected later tonight in the profoundly dim-witted reversion to the standard time zone of GMT+0530.

In alarming news, Professor Ebenezer Gordon, MP, MTS, PN is expected to depart for the continental United States in a few hours with his Autonomous Wife and Semi-Autonomous Offspring, creating a massive imbalance in global CF. Analysts cautioned that CF in the United States could become extremely unstable given the current incumbency of St Vandoofus, Bartus Maximus and the Monster over and above the Shrub and Duck administration. Experts believed that Kahuna would need to take evasive measures to avoid a wobble being introduced into the axial rotation of the planet.

However, Kahuna issued a statement later today announcing that He would be leaving Asia on Monday to set up offices in Africa. Pundits suspected that Kahuna might be travelling to Africa to install a known elephant in Cairo such that the algorithm would terminate. However, no evidence has been found to independently verify this conjecture and known elephants were not among those scheduled to travel with Kahuna.

In His statement, Kahuna added that the Circus would now be represented on all major continents excluding South America and Antarctica. He added that it was only a matter of time before St Vandoofus would be relocated to the Ross Ice Shelf to keep watch over the hole in the ozone layer. The possibility of Bartus Maximus setting up a stronghold in the Andes was also not ruled out.

Following Kahuna’s announcement, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) warned of unusual weather and geomagnetic activity for the next few weeks until global CF re-balancing is completed.

KNN will continue to monitor this precarious situation.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 18

This conversation will be useful at your hearing.

- Gordon, collecting evidence against Kahuna on the fly.

A tent under the Great Pyramid might be considered suitable by some.

- Gordon, on being told that Kahuna would be provided suitable accommodation in Egypt.

The burial chamber of said pyramid, by others.

- Kahuna, taking a deadly view of suitable accommodation.

I'll thump you with a stuffed mongoose.

- Gordon, proposing to practice the dark art of percussive taxidermy on Kahuna.

How should I know the loopback address?

- Vandoofus, in his own defense in Vandoofus v Linksys.

Tsk tsk tsk… At this time of the night?

- The Regulator, encountering Kahuna online at 2:00am (GMT+6).

You should be chaperoned by Attila the Hun.

- The Regulator, considering sanctions against Kahuna.

Looks weird. Why would you need so many pixels?

- Vandoofus, evaluating the Hasselblad H2D-39.

Doofi, if you touch this blog template again, I will take the next flight to NY and thump you.

- Sinister message found in the Circus blog template.

Moses is required at this end.

- Kahuna, considering supernatural assistance to deal with His flooded garden after record rainfall.

Bogart?

- Gordon, hearing Huggles had named his automobile “Humphrey.”

Oh god, there goes the neighborhood.

- Vandoofus, learning of the impending arrival of Gordon in the Land of the Free.

Fortunately, the Land of the Free is very big.

- Vandoofus, making the best of a bad situation.

Does anyone know where he’s going to set up his evil stronghold upon arrival? Just so I can designate the area a level-5 biohazard quarantine region and unleash the killer prairie dogs.

- Bartus Maximus, taking proactive measures to deal with an elevated Gordon threat level.

Are you passionate about sulphur springs?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s plan to take a sabbatical among the sulphur springs in Iceland.

It’s one thing I am passionate about.

- Vandoofus, on lunch.

We have imported bananas from South Africa. Used from behind, they can easily fool anyone. It can be used as a shotgun any day.

- The Regulator, proposing the use of imported bananas in lieu of traditional firearms.

Used from behind?

- Kahuna, questioning the use of a banana astern.

Well I can’t hold a banana to his face now, can I?

- The Regulator, defending her rearguard action.

In no time we are going to generate enough energy from rotten bananas to light up the city.

- The Regulator, planning to set up an unconventional power plantain.

What better way to give yellow light?

- The Regulator, on the conservation of chrominance during power generation.

We don't have a minimum height requirement.

- Kahuna, addressing the Regulator’s concerns about joining the Circus.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here.

- The Regulator, stating the obvious.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just leave me alone!

- The Regulator’s corollary to Albert Camus.

I'll have the cream and the whip separately on a plate, please.

- The Regulator, advocating the separation of cream and whip.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 14

Two of the biggest clowns on the planet against one is not fair.

- Gordon, raising preliminary objections to a proposed strategic alliance between Kahuna and Bartus Maximus.

Your social skills need refining. Right now you're right up there with a Rottweiler.

- Gordon, responding to a bite() instruction issued by Kahuna.

On negotiating the travel arrangements last night, [my father] agreed to tag along with me on the condition that he has exclusive rights to the volume control.

- Gordon, revealing damning evidence of operating beyond the 90-decibel limit.

Did you know that light travels over 73 trillion furlongs in a fortnight?

- Kahuna to Gordon, providing information using controversial units of measure.

I'll have you tied to the Hubble telescope with your friggin camera.

- Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great annoyance at the speed of light being measured in non-standard units.

I will not rest until a motor vehicle is introduced into your room.

- Kahuna, vowing to perpetrate a dastardly hack on Gordon.

All quiet on the HR front.

- Gordon, reporting from the front after shelling forward positions.

I mean I have a moral obligation. The hour is late, you are here, online.

- The Regulator, explaining her reasons for querying Kahuna’s online presence.

Yes, by a woman in her mid 50s. A matronly woman.

- The Regulator, suggesting that Kahuna be supervised lest He be a nuisance to the planet.

Didn’t you know? They use duct tape for that now.

- The Regulator, advising Kahuna to follow Homeland Security in using duct tape to knit the universe together.

We were nearly mauled by that elephant and you were making queries about its dietary habits. In the native tongue no less.

- Kahuna reminding Her Royal Highness of the notorious 'Aliya Kaidda?' episode in the depths of the Yala, featuring a large pachyderm in heat.

Or if you get a battalion of elephants to fart in quick succession.

- Kahuna, proposing an alternative explanation to explosive sounds heard by Gordon.

I have 40GB in my dashboard.

- Gordon, declaring sinister in-car storage capability.

Just as I was about to bomb the place!

- The Regulator, admitting to having considered incendiary means to get Kahuna’s attention.

On the contrary, it would make quite an entry.

- Gordon, proposing to turn up for a meeting in GITT Mk2 to use its storage capabilities for keeping the minutes.

Yes... When you need to demolish the supporting walls.

- Kahuna, agreeing that it would indeed be a spectacular entry.

Ah, its time for my lunch again.

- The Regulator, confirming widely held beliefs that she is in a permanent state of lunch (9:00pm GMT+6).

Unquotable Quotes - Part 13

Darth Teddy seems to have an ear fetish. It’s like how I like women with big breasts. He seems to like men with big ears.

- St Vandoofus, analyzing Darth Teddy’s excessive interest in his ears.

I have a semi-nude of [Gordon]... Will that do?

- Bartus Maximus, querying the entry requirements for the Vandoofus Prize.

My god, drink something healthy. That stuff is too strong for you. It might bake you for life!

- The Regulator on hearing Kahuna’s intent to consume green tea.

I am disadvantaged by the bogus bandwidth at this end.

- Gordon, on being obstructed from participating in the Vandoofus Prize by Hans[a]’s network.

As a regulator, I knock people off for even mentioning VoIP.

- The Regulator, explaining her belief that long-distance voice should be limited to two tin cans and a piece of string.

In [a] banana republic, it’s considered highly democratic.

- The Regulator, justifying her policy of bumping off policy violators.

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

- Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

I have subcontracted DHL.

- Gordon, on being asked if he intends to do the rounds on Christmas Eve.

Would you prefer Sri Lanka Post then?

- Gordon, retaliating on being taken to task for outsourcing his delivery operation on Christmas Eve.

All my emissions are.

- Bartus Maximus, on being asked if his breath was still flammable after another night of excess.

Ho ho ho. Happy now?

- Gordon, on being told he was sorely lacking the Christmas spirit.

You'll be the death of me, I tell you.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that images of GITT were indexed by Yahoo.

Who cares what sardines and [oxen] think?

- St Vandoofus, on being told about possible non-compliance with the Sarbanes-Oxley Act.

The title is obscene.

- Gordon, attempting to pass judgement on The Captain’s Rod in terms of Miller v. California, 413 U.S. 15 (1973).

He's piss drunk.

- Confucius, reporting on the intoxicated status of St Vandoofus.

Hang on, my sarong just [fell off].

- Gordon, declaring an unscheduled disrobe event during a telephone conversation with Kahuna.

Yes, it just fell off.

- Gordon, confirming that the wardrobe malfunction did indeed take place without an external stimulus.

Welcome to the communist party. To make a donation, press 1. For a general strike, press 2. For a revolution, press 3. For democratic reforms, please hang up.

- Kahuna, hypothesising the communist party’s voice response system.

And you thought outsourcing to Asia was the solution?

- Kahuna to St Vandoofus, on being asked to post His Holiness’s photographs to the Circus.

ARGGGGH! Thief!

- The Monster, responding to a confiscate(xbox) instruction issued by Kahuna.

And you believe this will provide all the answers?

- Kahuna to the Monster, on learning of the latter’s plan to watch What Women Want.

Can't use my personal time to do personal things.

- St Vandoofus, making himself at home during work.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 8

I will borrow a De Lorean and deliver this to your future Paternal-One-In-Law.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening to go back in time to deliver the Ten Rules for Fathers with Daughters to the latter’s future father-in-law.

That would put you just past Pluto in the Oort cloud.

- Kahuna, fixing Gordon’s location in space based on his pathetic IM response time.

Have a nice day. Or whatever suitable greeting they use in the slime pits of hell where you dwell.

- Darth Ching, issuing a warm greeting to Kahuna.

This project took close to five months by Kronos.

- Gordon, defending budget overruns of the Blare GITT Project.

I was thinking of a ferrite filter around the entire vehicle.

- Kahuna, announcing plans to curtail RF emissions from the mobile theater-enabled GITT Mk2.

So you think I should check quantity-on-hand of elephants?

- Kahuna to Gordon, on the need to check for availability of elephants prior to sending them to maul the Jester.

You just caused a mass violation of the Archimedes principle.

- Kahuna to Gordon, accusing the latter’s face of sinking a thousand ships, implicating Helen in the subsequent recovery effort and ultimately causing the Trojan War.

It sounded like an elephant colliding with a badly tuned grand piano at 35 mph.

- Kahuna striking a sour note about Gordon’s Finale.

You will backup your existence and do so now.

- Gordon, instructing Kahuna to examine the Cell microarchitecture.

Maybe you get strippers for in-flight entertainment or something.

- Gordon, attempting to rationalize the exorbitant cost of airfare to Dhaka.

Or retrofit it with a sponge.

- Maximillian Bartus, proposing to dabble in alternative medicine upon his liver.

How precisely do you intend to seize it? Do you require tongs?

- Kahuna to Maximillian Bartus, on the precautions the latter intends to take before seizing the day after a weekend of unrivaled decadence.

tareeeeeeeeeeeeeppp=============555555555555[[[[[[[[[[[[ke8cd.

- Waffles, taking a stroll on Kahuna’s keyboard.

You’re not featured in UQ8. You should do something about that. Even my cat is featured.

- Kahuna alerting St Vandoofus to a distinct lack of classical quotations from New York.

You think I’d rather be spending that time jerking off?

- St Vandoofus, taking matters into his own hands after being told his time would be better utilized by not mucking around his news website.

[The] Circus needs reforms, or a regime change.

- St Vandoofus, threatening to overthrow Kahuna and introduce perestroika^[1] in the Circus.

Bloody Bolshevik!

- Kahuna, responding to St Vandoofus’s unsolicited reform proposals.

^[1] Shortly after this conversation, it was discovered that Alexander Yakovlev believed to be the architect of Mikhail Gorbachev's glasnost and perestroika policies, died today at the age of 81.

USPS Stamps Out Gordon

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- In a surprising move, the United States Postal Service (USPS) has issued a commemorative stamp featuring Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker as part of a collection in honor of Jim Henson and the Muppets.

It is believed that this latest move was calculated to snub Professor Gordon who was trounced by the duo to become the UK's top scientists last year. Adding insult to injury, even the Swedish Chef and a chicken made it to the collection.

Experts mused that a hidden hand (possibly gloved) may be behind these latest attempts to discredit Gordon. The latex evidence, they said, points to Gordon's arch rival, Maximillian Bartus.

Gordon was not available for comment.

Kahuna Heralds the Coming of Winter

This NB-complete photo titled omgimsoscared is the work of thecreatrus. Used under a Creative Commons License.

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Kahuna will preside over ceremonies tonight to usher in the winter and the New Year in harmony with the Celtic calendar. Bonfires and feasts are scheduled and some form of sacrifice has not been ruled out.

The Baroness—an active practitioner of the shadowy arts—is also expected to take to the skies tonight on her broomstick, weather permitting. The Baroness has threatened to turn Kahuna into a bat, should this sensitive information be blogged. However, her inability to locate the Book of Shadows at the crucial moment has confounded attempts thus far. Kahuna proposes to retaliate by arranging a plenary session of the Cat Council near her coven.

The Teddybear has not been heard from since partying in his underwear last night. Despite being a great believer in the principle of semper ubi sub ubi, it is not known if the supposedly cuddly one was successful in retaining them. Professor Gordon is absconding in the hills, possibly on a high-altitude excursion to further disrupt the ozone layer. His largeness was, however, previously spotted at his favorite watering hole, the Essential Polecat, where he pontificated at length on his plans for global domination.

The Monster has been seen at the premises of the Bogusan Empire, allegedly on imperial business. However, this has not been independently verified. St Vandoofus and Maximillian Bartus are both missing and are expected to awaken at premises other than their own shortly (clothing optional, celery compulsory).

Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors

Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN

EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.

Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.

A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.

Hidden Hand Revealed Behind Breakthrough in El Gordo Case

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In an unexpected twist to the El Gordo affair, it was revealed that the hidden (and presumably gloved) hand of latex magnate Maximillian Bartus was behind the uncovering of El Gordo's plans for world domination. Sources speaking on the condition of anonymity said that a long-running feud between Bartus and El Gordo was responsible for this latest turn of events. When contacted, the gloved one denied involvement and said his lips were sealed. El Gordo was leading the FBI in a high-speed car chase across state lines without hands-free capability and declined comment.