Kahuna Retreats: Poses Fermentation as Front

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In a recent turn of events Kahuna has been spotted far far away from the field of battle in a clear act of retreat. Upon this predictable act Kahuna was overheard to be mumbling "my response is fermenting: aging like a fine wine." This is taken to be a feeble attempt at stalling due to a obvious lack of assault tactics.

In other news you might recall Kahuna's dodgy expedition with a certain molecular biologist which was amusingly fronted as a squirrel watching expedition. Well, this past weekend Kahuna was spotted in Wadduwa with this very same molecular biologist. More on this story to come.

Please stay tuned to BNN.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 10 - The Fall of Gordon

LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, Georgia -- Recently declassified documents have uncovered a conversation between Kahuna and Microsoft evangelist, Professor Gordon. It is thought that the deadly exchange was triggered when the arch-technologist suggested a website on ASP.NET:

Kahuna : Firefox has decided not to load that page.
Gordon : Indeed, you will be in the dark forever.
         ASP.NET 2.0 is really neat.
Kahuna : Bah. I will tie you to Ruby on Rails X-(
Gordon : I plan to visit Ruby Falls soon, actually.
Kahuna : A fall can be arranged.
Gordon : Tch tch. http://www.rubyfalls.com.
Kahuna : After the incident, I'll be creating
         http://www.gordonfalls.com.
Gordon : By David Livingstone X-(
Kahuna : Indeed, Go Daddy has parked the domain.
         I will use this to document your fall
         down Ruby Falls.

Kahuna's proposed actions have at least one historical precedent. In Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story, The Adventure of the Final Problem, criminal mastermind Professor Moriaty—arch-nemesis of Sherlock Holmes—falls to his doom down the Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland.

Kahuna and Gordon locked horns previously over ASP.NET in The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 6 - Way of the Asp, featuring Julius Caesar and Cleopatra.

Quality Assurance types from the planet Zork may have been harmed during this production.

Big Kahuna Under Pressure by Commanding Force

THE EMPIRE, Colombo -- In recent events that transpired in the uni-directional city of Colombo, we are amused to announce the passing of a long-time clown to the shackled side. This follows a considerably long line of predecessors that includes the Real Kahuna, the Groper, Huggles and Her Royal Highness and the easily forgettable individual formerly known as something that begins with "H". The event itself was quite intoxicating and thoroughly enjoyable owing to the funky attire of the groom.

However, enough about that. We need to move past the this shackling to a completely different location, namely the abode of Big Kahuna where there have been several reported attempts to attack the bachelorhood of said victim by the commanding forcing of a maternal nature. In very accurate reports there have been various inquiries made as to when this current status of bachelorhood will be deemed null and void. Kahuna in this regard has refused to make any public statements to any parties starting right from the maternal inquirer.

After conducting a number of interviews with fellow clowns on a solution to this entertaining issue the wide-felt consensus was that it was long overdue and proactive measure should be taken to amend this situation. We believe various summits with the maternal one are taking place as we speak.

That's all from us at BNN and as a parting note all we can say is that... the search is on.

Templates and Browsers and Crop Circles, Oh My!

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Listen up. We've tweaked the template a bit to improve the look of the blog. The font size for posts has been reduced slightly to improve readability and put a lid on Darth Teddy's bellyaching. The left padding of blockquotes has also been reduced and the top margin has been removed. This should fix some ghastly rendering problems seen by the masochists among you who continue to use Redmond's so-called Internet Explorer (St Dogbert protect us!)

Naturally, our preferred browser is Firefox 2. Predictably, Professor Gordon disagrees strongly and is preparing for a long siege at his Alpharetta stronghold. We understand a bunker is being constructed using public funds.

While on the subject of Firefox, we think it's appropriate to report the buffoonery perpetrated by the Linux User Group (LUG) of the Oregon State University (OSU). In August last year, a group of twelve clowns—mostly from said establishment—constructed a 220-foot crop circle of the Firefox logo in an oat field outside Amity, Oregon. The outcome of their buffoonery is visible on Google Earth (45°7'24.52"N 123°6'49.09"W):

 

Below the logo, FX2 is spelled out using one aircraft, five automobiles and a bunch of clowns:

 

More information, including including aerial photographs taken during the construction of the crop circle, is available on the LUG website. The video is available on Firefox Flicks.

This buffoonery was first witnessed on Google Sightseeing.

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 4 - The Way of the Wolf

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Today we disclose a recent conversation between Kahuna and Darth Teddy. The Anaconda Keeper's reluctance to engage in lupine behavior has been deemed to be most puzzling:

Kahuna      : We could sit around and bay at the
              moon.
Darth Teddy : Eh?
Kahuna      : It's a full moon.
Darth Teddy : Er, yes.
Kahuna      : It's traditional to hold a wolf
              congress[1].
Darth Teddy : I see.
Kahuna      : Clearly, you don't speak fluent
              wolf X-(
Darth Teddy : Clearly.
Kahuna      : Indeed, I recall you didn't even
              speak sheep[2] X-(

No wolves or sheep were harmed during this production. Darth Teddy supplied his own anaconda.

^[1] Although, howling wolves are frequently associated with the full moon, there is little evidence to suggest direct correlation. Further information is available on the Wikipedia and Wolf Song of Alaska.

^[2] A reference to the controversial Bernisdale Fiasco.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 30

Tell him to bring the charger and come: an industrial charger.

— Vandoofus, challenging Darth Teddy's bid to become the Energizer Bunny.

He wouldn't be a challenge to me even without an initial charge.

— Darth Teddy, reacting to Vandoofus's highly charged challenge.

Indeed, it keeps you on your toes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told he was unmanageable.

The Wii is on the way, complete with strap.

— Kahuna, proposing to deal with Gordon's newly commissioned HDTV.

Very well, I shall check my paws on someone tasty.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to keep his paws in check.

Your activities on Mars are noted.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of answering a call of nature on Mars after NASA's discovery of recent water on the planet's surface.

Are you responsible for the developing situation in Fiji?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a military coup.

People like you should have their mouse confiscated.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon had bungled a fund transfer by selected the wrong bank branch from a drop-down list.

The details of the plan are unknown: it appears the City's Finest will be counting on the element of surprise.

— Kahuna, informing Gordon of impending traffic bungling in Colombo.

Your refusal to distance yourself from Redmond is noted.

— Kahuna, on Gordon's Microsoft Only policy.

The WE_KNOW_WHAT_WE_ARE_DOING bit is set.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great disturbance after reviewing Canon's Flash Work website.

They have taken a 64-bit register and set the whole thing, if you ask me.

— Kahuna to Gordon, quantifying the disturbance caused by Canon's Flash Work website.

Nonsense, I am only a risk to the females in the general public.

— Darth Teddy, qualifying Kahuna's allegations of being a risk to the general public.

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

You've soaked the funds in helium have you?

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon was about to transfer floating funds.

Various missives sent from Alpharetta via aircraft, have manifested.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, announcing the arrival of a propaganda from Gordon.

Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy, exasperated with Kahuna communicating without conveying information.

He's sent a letter by airmail.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reluctantly switching to standard English.

You mean you're in the garbage bin?

— Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna was indisposed.

Why is that idiot building an airport in the middle of nowhere?

— Gordon to Kahuna, raising serious concerns about Weerawila International.

It's helping Hambantota. Now you can visit the Yala easily.

— Kahuna to Gordon, justifying Weerawila International.

I have been vindicated: squirrel research is mainstream.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, defending his research interests.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

Is this like Han Solo starting up the Millennium Falcon by beating on it?

— Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy's was still starting up his computer.

Han Solo would be in hyperspace by now.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy's continued absence.

The Gordon-Teddy Birthday Greeting Protocol (GTBGP)

MARINA DEL REY, California Republic -- Crackpot inventor Professor Ebenezer Gordon and Energizer Bunny contender Darth Teddy recently proposed a mechanism for securely exchanging birthday greetings over the Internet. The Gordon-Teddy Birthday Greeting Protocol (GTBGP) is an application-layer protocol that operates on top of the Transmission Control Protocol (TCP).

KNN learns that the GTBGP was first tested on Darth Teddy's birthday with explicitly spectacular results that exceeded all expectations:

Gordon      : Ado! [SYN]
Darth Teddy : Hooo! [SYN-ACK]
Gordon      : Felicitations. [SYN-ACK-GREET]
Darth Teddy : Spank you. [SPANK]
Gordon      : Happy bitchday, O clown. [BITCH]
Darth Teddy : Come to papa, slut. [OUT-BITCH]

In an interview with KNN, Gordon said that GTBGP was a robust, but flexible protocol that supported an unlimited number of [BITCH] and [OUT-BITCH] sequences. The arch-technologist further stated that he would be publishing an Internet Draft shortly. Darth Teddy added that he was already working on a physical-layer implementation of the protocol, but declined to elaborate on the mechanical specification of the interconnect.

In a later press conference convened to bitch about the state of the planet, Kahuna questioned the need for a physical-layer implementation pointing out that He had long ago mastered this. He was quick to add that Gordon, Darth Teddy and others had already been at the receiving end of physical-layer buffoonery including, but not limited to carnivorous plants, premium ice cream, suspicious reading matter and other unmentionable objects with a very low coefficient of dynamic friction.

Kahuna charged that the cuddly one was using this opportunity as an excuse to get physical with all and sundry. Darth Teddy dismissed Kahuna's allegations stating that his proposed implementation would be cuddlier and longer-lasting. Fellow Energizer Bunny hopeful, St Vandoofus was not available for comment.

On that highly contentious note, we end this post. Hasta la vista, baby!

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 3 - Claus for Concern

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Now that the Monster has officially ushered in the new year, we proceed with the business of clearing the backlog. It has come to our attention that Darth Teddy has been helping himself to um, Santa's little helpers. Shocking details below:

Kahuna      : Merry Christmas! I have awoken.
Darth Teddy : Ah, wish you the same. I was forced to
              awaken.
Kahuna      : By Santa?
Darth Teddy : I wish.
Kahuna      : Gah, I knew you had a thing for Rudolph!
Darth Teddy : More like for Santa's little helper.
Kahuna      : I thought they were all male X-(
Darth Teddy : Not in my world.
Kahuna      : "Darth Teddy admits to sordid tryst with
              Claus aide."
Darth Teddy : Now, now.
Kahuna      : Now we know what those reindeer games
              were all about X-(

Hibernation does not seem to have been on the agenda and Darth Teddy has not let his paws idle. We will continue to monitor this situation, which has clearly gotten out of hand.

No reindeer were harmed during this production, but we can't vouch for Santa's helpers.

Ushering in 2007 - New York Style!

10..09..08.. ..O1 Second to 2007 in Sri Lanka! (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


Happy New Year Sri Lanka! (Copyright © The Monster)


Christina Aguilera Entertaining the Crowd. (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)


Rascal Flatts Entertaining the Crowd. (Copyright © 2006 The Monster)

TIMES SQUARE, New York -- It was indeed a great sight to witness a New Year's countdown in honour of Colombo, Sri Lanka at the center of Times Square at 01.30 p.m. on New Year's Eve, 2006!