The Hand of Fluke

The Hand of Fluke (Copyright © 2009 B Kahuna) 

YALA NATIONAL PARK, Sri Lanka -- The hand of Fluke, sporting arcane ink, grabs onto the side rail during a bumpy jeep ride in the Yala National Park.

Captured on 27^th August 2009 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8) and a resulting exposure of 1/500^th of a second. Image straightened in Picasa. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 38

You speak as if you need to mount an expedition to the Andes on llamas.

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's lack of enthusiasm in locating important literary works lost in the depths of his lair.

Moistness comes to those who are patient.

— Darth Teddy's Patient Teddy Hypothesis.

May the cat o' nine tails feature prominently in your immediate future.

— Kahuna, raising hopes of a long-overdue disciplinary encounter for Darth Teddy.

No doubt your ancestor Obadiah Gordon was the surveyor in question.

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in the border dispute between Georgia and Tennessee due to a 200-year old cartographic error.

Your relational algebra is getting me down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing frustration with Kahuna's latest insinuations.

I should have sent you to find the serial number of the air starter armed with a candle in a methane atmosphere a long time ago.

— Kahuna, regretting not sending Gordon on a deadly quest after reading the antics of Dimi and the Chief.

I didn't realize Benedict XVI had such a position on his payroll.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the Pope's chief astronomer saying that life on Mars cannot be ruled out.

Each Mihin Air flight should also be dubbed a miracle once it lands.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting that F-117 pilots dubbed themselves bandits, with each given a bandit number after their first flight.

I'm contemplating assigning you a bandicoot number.

— Kahuna, unveiling plans to enumerate Gordon in an arguably less flattering manner.

The anaconda may be fed on Tuesday or Monday.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, posting a new feeding schedule.

You can't just install Windows here; plus, Linux is better on lower spec hardware.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reneging on a lifelong pact with Redmond and admitting to dabbling in Linux.

Did you run the bug detector before you uttered that statement? I believe the central control room in Redmond just went into red alert.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of possible reprisals from Ballmerville.

Maybe I'll just put my lens in my pocket and tell people am happy to see them.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing an alternative use for his telephoto zoom lens.

You will note that the root cause of this is the lack of prayer to the great god Baal with a cactus up one's ass.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the hazards of commencing projects without divine intervention.

Are you the chicken or the pig?

— Fluke, attempting to establish if Kahuna was merely involved or committed.

Neither; I'm the wolf who's got his eye on your ass.

— Kahuna to Fluke, disclosing a completely different agenda.

This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's need to do bitwise AND across rows using SQL.

The database engine will evaluate the code and after it determines that you wrote it, it will twiddle its interrupts and count cache misses.

— Kahuna, explaining the personalized execution plan for Gordon's SQL code.

I understand you intend on unleashing the anaconda on foreign soil.

— Fluke, expressing concern over Kahuna's proposed visit to the Orient with Darth Teddy.

Imperial stock is on the rise, however; someone's been telling a lot of lies somewhere.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attributing market sentiment to fresh baloney.

These shares entitle you to attend the AGM and heckle the board.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon of his rights as an Imperial stockholder.

I am usually at one with pussy, mostly 'cause I haven't had the opportunity to be with two.

— Darth Teddy, postulating the Tao^[1] of Teddy.

You're the Bone of Contention; or more aptly, the Boner of Contention.

— Kahuna, expounding the Te^[2] of Teddy.

A banana is a dangerous construct; if the terminator is missed it could go on forever: bananananananananananananana...

— Kahuna to Gordon, illustrating the little-known hazards in handling bananas.

You need professionalalalalalalal help.

— Gordon, seeking to institutionalize Kahuna.

Oh, he's been offering furtive cuddles in exchange for your endorsement?

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of receiving kickbacks from Darth Teddy.

I operate in bright sunlight unlike some of us who are cuddling up to the dark side.

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of dabbling in the dark arts.

I cannot resist the dark side of the farce; it is a calling I simply cannot resist.

— Fluke to Kahuna, admitting to being seduced by the dark side and more specifically by Darth Teddy.

If someone turns up for lunch after a 0640 arrival, I would greet them with a Howitzer.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the correct protocol for dealing with idiots who might invite themselves for a midday meal after a grueling intercontinental flight.

Do you have access to this idiot's remote management port? You will replace its BIOS with the MP3 version of Help me Rhonda.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a permanent fix for a chronic idiot.

Clowns in adjoining workspaces have come to ask what I'm laughing about BTBOTP.

— Gordon, admitting to workplace chaos during a conversation with Kahuna.

And you'll be using your rubber ducky as your scepter when you take over?

— Kahuna, expressing misgivings on Fluke being His potential successor.

More likely my Barrel-O-Slime.

— Fluke, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

Oh, you'll be needing props?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Fluke's selection of accessories.

You would be nothing if not for connectivity.

— Darth Teddy's Connected Kahuna Principle.

You would be nothing without your snake.

— Kahuna's Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

The first mongoose to turn up will disrupt your business model.

— Kahuna's Corollary to the Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

I will have you covered in topsoil if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to compost Kahuna.

This is no time for humus.

— Kahuna, unamused.

Teddy only knows things related to humping.

— Kahuna to Fluke, dismissing Darth Teddy as an authority on the merits of Ethernet switches versus hubs.

I will fit a turbocharger on your ass linked to a dynamo that will give you a jolt each time you fart.

— Gordon, proposing a rather anal Rube Goldberg mechanism to deal with Kahuna.

A magnesium flare shoved up your ass will help you see the error in your ways.

— Kahuna, retaliating with incandescent measures to help Gordon see the light.

Your paws tend to wander when unsupervised.

— Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

They also do when they're supervised. What's your point?

— Darth Teddy's Pointless Supervision Corollary to Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

And will you squeal like a piglet if I send you a toy?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, plotting to distribute dodgy gifts.

^[1] Tao, (Chinese: 道; Pinyin dao; Wade-Giles: tao; audio) is a metaphysical concept found in Taoism, Confucianism, and more generally in ancient Chinese philosophy. While the character itself translates as "way," "path," or "route," or sometimes more loosely as "doctrine" or "principle," it is used philosophically to signify the fundamental or true nature of the world.
^[2] Te, (Chinese: 德; pinyin: dé; Wade-Giles: te; audio) is a key concept in Chinese philosophy, usually translated "inherent character; inner power; integrity" in Taoism.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 37

Those who can, blog; those who can't blog, comment; and those who can't comment, bellyache.

— Kahuna's First Law of Blogging.

Well I wouldn't complain if we could teleport say, Beyonce, in that mode.

— Gordon to Kahuna, supporting teleportation of the form illustrated in the Dilbert strip of April 22, 2008.

I am now in possession of the Subtle Knife and the Amber Spy Glass.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to surreptitiously amassing more dark materials.

This is in addition to your anaconda, no doubt?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, trying to establish an accurate inventory.

You're messaging while waltzing?

— Gordon, on receiving a short message from Kahuna while at a party.

I am now in motion as prescribed by Newton after the unfortunate incident with the apple.

— Kahuna, informing Darth Teddy of His impending arrival.

At the rate you're falling ill, I suggest you join GlaxoSmithKline as a guinea pig.

— Kahuna, writing a prescription for Fluke.

Then again, you'll probably succumb to the next virus, or possibly a light crosswind.

— Kahuna, issuing quite a shaky prognosis for Fluke.

Will that be hand-luggage as well?

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's travel plans for his anaconda.

Hopefully someone else's, yes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing to stow his anaconda away in other people's luggage.

Your snake's tendency to poke around in other people's nooks and crannies is noted.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of the situation.

Indeed, it is friendly.

— Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I believe one George Armstrong Custer made a silly statement like that at his last stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

— Kahuna, drawing parallels between Fluke's folly and that of Lt Col Custer at the infamous Battle of the Little Bighorn.

Uuru meeya is a bandicoot, you fool.

— Gordon, objecting strongly to Kahuna translating uuru meeya as a tree-dwelling rat^[1].

Your employment as a translator at the UN would ensure the outbreak of World War III.

— Gordon, casting serious doubt about Kahuna's language skills.

Nurse, get an IV, 13% ethanol by volume, stat!

— Dr Kahuna, finding Darth Teddy's blood alcohol content to be dangerously low in the ER.

I propose to line up both factions and have an elephant lob durians at them. You will check if Naalaagiri is available.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining a rather noxious proposal to deal with a split in the commies.

I would have imagined that a spider of the sort that accosted one L M Muffet would have made you run a mile.

— Kahuna, proposing to place Fluke on a tuffet.

At those prices they probably installed a force field.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on how the exclusive Taprobane Island might have escaped the tsunami.

What is that dildo on the right?

— Kahuna to Gordon, unmoved by the Logitech Driving Force™ GT.

That's the shift lever.

— Gordon to Kahuna, setting the record straight about his proposed acquisition.

You're back in Las Kahunas damn it; change your status.

— Fluke, pointing out an inconsistent status on Facebook after Kahuna's return from the subcontinent.

You would sell your soul to the devil if it allowed you to harass me.

— Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I already have an MOU with him.

— Kahuna's Infernal Cahoots Confession to Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I am willing my credit card to stay in my wallet.

— Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

This is like willing your anaconda to stay in your pants.

— Kahuna's Roaming Anaconda Retort to Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

You should be watching consenting adults release their inhibitions at this hour.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna watching a surgical Carpal Tunnel Release procedure in the dead of the night.

I could improve the ambiance with an M1A1 Abrams if you like.

— Gordon, offering to enhance the experience of Kahuna's proposed visit to Ambiente along with Darth Teddy.

Do you think I could plug the Ella Gap with your posterior?

— Kahuna, attempting to make Gordon the butt of his latest plans.

Can I invite that dolphin here to lead all politicians out to sea?

— Kahuna to Gordon, upon learning of the dolphin who led stranded whales back to sea in New Zealand.

Haputale Kanda á la Brokeback Mountain?

— Gordon, drawing highly unnecessary parallels regarding Kahuna's proposed visit to the hills with Darth Teddy.

I will tie you to the bara baage and detach it from the propulsion system while on the incline.

— Kahuna, threatening drastic measures on the Haputale climb to silence Gordon.

By the Willies of Kahuna and Teddy?

— Fluke to Kahuna, hazarding a guess at the meaning of BTWOKT.

You're of course free to swear by our willies; however, the more conventional meaning is By the Whiskers of Kurvi-Tasch.

— Kahuna, enlightening Fluke on the correct meaning of BTWOKT as intended by Hergé in the fictional regime of Taschist Borduria.

Well it's not new; my willy has been the hot topic around the globe for a few years now.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, learning of Fluke's cocksure faith.

This is like blatantly stacking crates of uranium in the same room.

— Kahuna, learning of the Monster converging on Alpharetta to complete a gathering of Clan Gordon.

^[1] Literally, uuru meeya means pig rat. However, this refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) distinct from the Bandicoot proper (order Peramelemorphia).

The Law of the Circus - Part 1

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Difficult as it is to believe, more than three years have passed since the first publication of Unquotable Quotes back in March of 2005. The 37^th edition is expected to hit the streets sometime during the long weekend, barring an unforeseen act of Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes—perhaps better known as UQ—is the original commentary made by the large clowns infesting the Circus. Over the years, these clowns have uttered many choice statements that have been converted by Kahuna into laws, principles, hypotheses, corollaries, lemmas and even a prayer or two.

In hindsight, it would seem that arch motorist Professor Gordon started the wheel rolling when he propounded his Law of Legislated Potholes in UQ10. Soon after, Gordon followed up with his Principle of Volumetric Ornithology after a pelican decided to relieve itself on his then flagship automobile, GITT Mk II. This incident also gave rise to an entirely new field of study.

However, we digress. Here for the first time is a comprehensive reference to the Law of the Circus, in order of publication date:

From UQ10:

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

— Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

From UQ11:

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

— Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

— The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

— Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

— Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

— Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

From UQ12:

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

— The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

From UQ14:

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

— Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

From UQ15:

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

— Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

From UQ16:

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

— Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

— Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

From UQ19:

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

— Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

— Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

— Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

From UQ20:

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

— Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

From UQ21:

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

— Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

From UQ24:

The best parts of learning are the stains.

— Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

Mothers get along with me.

— Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

— Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

— Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

— Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

— Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

From UQ28:

Smooch is not equal to hump.

— Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

— Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

From UQ29:

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

From UQ30:

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

From UQ31:

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

From UQ32:

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

From UQ33:

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

From UQ34:

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

From UQ35:

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

From UQ36:

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 36

I will have you and your mobile sent back in time to just after A G Bell invented the telephone to have him beat you senseless with the instrument.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's new HTC Touch mobile phone.

Now's your chance to pee in it.

— Darth Teddy, advocating pollution on hearing of Kahuna cruising along the Nile.

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

On the jam-packed flight to New York as people shuffled past to the back, the lady behind me tells her neighbor, "It's like trying to get twenty clowns into a Volkswagen."

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of being made party to an involuntary circus.

We have just finished boarding and the aircraft doors are now closed. If your destination was not Atlanta, it is now.

— A flight attendant on Gordon's flight back from New York, sealing his fate.

By the same logic, I feel vindicated regarding naming your blimp Fat One.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting that the Pope's flight was designated Shepherd One.

Have they already identified you as a threat?

— Darth Teddy, learning of Kahuna being provided an armed escort in Egypt.

Possibly; there's a clown with a semi-automatic weapon in front of me.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reporting of security measures en route to Abu Simbel.

I'm making the down-payment on his pyramid.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, learning that He was being sought by Gordon.

You don't appear impressed by these disclosures.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on receiving a lukewarm response to a routine status report from Egypt.

Unless you disclose that you have a belly dancer at your disposal, you would be right.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, setting minimum mandatory standards for reporting.

Have you disrobed it and had your way?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on learning of a belated appearance by the belly dancer.

Of course not; that would be your department. However, there wasn't much to disrobe.

— Kahuna, declining to encroach upon Darth Teddy's humping grounds whilst reporting that the minimum mandatory clothing requirement had been met, barely.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

Do you remember my Skype ID?

— Gordon to Kahuna, in the midst of yet another identity crisis.

Medical leave? Were you bitten by Darth Teddy?

— Kahuna, fearing the worst upon hearing of Fluke being indisposed.

Hogwash! It is merely a viral infection, nothing more; and you will do well to keep the Cuddly One out of this.

— Fluke, in his own defense.

A virus? What kind of self-respecting virus would wish to infect you? This won't look good on its resume you know.

— Kahuna, voicing concerns over Fluke's viral infection.

Cuddly One? Since when did you get upgraded to CO? You were the Allegedly Cuddly One last time I checked.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy's use of unapproved titles.

I've put in a good word for you with Osiris.

— Kahuna to Fluke, outlining a deadly agenda.

Why is your avatar in the shower?

— Kahuna, finding the Monster's avatar on Yahoo engaged in ablutions.

Do you always have your shower with a towel on?

— Kahuna to the Monster, questioning the need for a towel while the water was running.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

On account of being the largest clown present?

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna wearing a Santa hat at a Christmas party.

Did you set fire to the Duck's office?

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting a fire in the offices of US Vice President Richard B 'Duck' Cheney.

The Duck was probably having a bonfire.

— Gordon to Kahuna, downplaying the incident as routine.

Ah yes, the CIA tapes; it all fits now.

— Kahuna to Gordon, attempting to implicate the Duck in sensitive tapes destroyed by the CIA.

Your obsession with pi is noted by Rachel Ray.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the failed Indiana Pi Bill which would have legislated the value of pi to 3.2.

I will thump you with a natural logarithm if you start to get approximate with me.

— Kahuna, taking exception with Gordon's cavalier, but highly rational attitude towards pi.

I wonder if whatever I fabricate is automatically backward integrated into history?

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the existence of an Ebenezer Gordon in the 19^th century who also happened to be engaged in the photography trade.

So you finally admit to fabrication?

— Gordon, attempting at long last to bring Kahuna to book for falsifying the historical record.

Nonsense, you can see photographic evidence now.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's unsupervised activities across the continent.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Your considerable girth and personal gravitational field ought to be enough to sway any jury.

— Kahuna, on establishing Gordon's Santa Identity.

This would explain the reindeer picketing.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon would be outsourcing his Christmas deliveries.

Given its architectural skills, the edifice will collapse on its own accord.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing a structurally unsound view of an idiot architect.

I will shoot the inventors of these screwdrivers.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing grave annoyance with non-standard screw heads led by the quasi-bogus Tri-Wing design.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

Unquotable Quotes - Part 34

I think Cleopatra was the best.

— Gordon to Kahuna, having sampled forbidden fruit in the absence of Caesar.

Your darthworthiness has been questioned.

— Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy's credentials after leaking sensitive information about goings-on in Brighton to Fluke.

Bah, the look on your face as you held the rubbers in one hand and the vibrator in the other, like some multi-armed deity, in front of your roommates, is way off the scale.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, disclosing sordid snippets from the Brighton Files.

How many pics of the pussy did you take?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, making highly inappropriate references to members of the genus Panthera.

It was a male leopard; it had the balls to prove it.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, setting the record straight.

Please send more dodgy pictures.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking more incriminating evidence of senior management frolicking in the Yala.

How do you people come up with this buffoonery?

— Fluke to Darth Teddy, seeking to understand the nature of the Farce.

We're clowns.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, explaining the nature of the Farce for the benefit of Fluke.

Perhaps I will poke him; it is a great honor to be poked by Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to prod Fluke on Facebook.

Who the fuck is Fluke?

— Gordon, in his debut performance of Living Next Door to Fluke.

Would you like to have your posterior pummeled?

— Kahuna, inviting Darth Teddy to a game of Scrabble.

You've indicated that we've lived together.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Baroness's dubious disclosures on Facebook.

Yep, let's create a scandal.

— The Baroness, refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.

Does the Baron know about this illicit relationship we've had?

— Kahuna to the Baroness, seeking safe conducts.

I will have you idiots sealed if you don't watch it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure at the respective seals of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

My brother-in-law just threw an imaginary hippo at me.

— The Baroness, announcing the discovery of the Hippopotamus notional spp.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless purchased five pairs of shoes by Imelda Marcos.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, describing a harrowing escape from the Takashimaya with Huggles, duly confounded by Her Royal Highness.

Will you be lobbying for a ban on underwear?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy's stand on the semper ubi sub ubi policy.

I will be confiscating them.

— Darth Teddy, revealing plans for his summer collection.

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

I agree wholeheartedly; let us begin by ceremonially throwing a sheep at his offending posterior.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, agreeing to a rearguard action on Gordon for failure to join Facebook.

I forgot to lock the croc before heading out.

— Gordon to Kahuna, pleading mea culpa to an alligator being found in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

You're attempting to deploy a navy of lake monsters to terrorize the public.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of submarine warfare.

I'll have you whacked with a truckload of kimbula banis^[1] if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to silence Kahuna by means of amphibious baguettes.

Your personal bogosity must have caused an ass-to-cloud discharge.

— Kahuna, speculating that a backfired lightning strike may have led to the untimely demise of Gordon's broadband router.

At this rate, I'll need galvanic isolation.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation at frequent brownouts courtesy of the Ceylon 'Electricity' Board.

I can put you in a Faraday cage if you like.

— Gordon, proposing an extreme solution to isolate Kahuna.

Convert all the exit signs to simplified Chinese and they will die within the building.

— Kahuna to Gordon, offering a viable double-byte solution to clueless management.

Send them to me for Architecture 101; I will confiscate their laptops and give them paper and pencil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical laptopectomy on pointy-haired types.

We might have a few fatalities on the first day due to blood loss from improper use of a pencil, not to mention paper cuts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, setting expectations for Architecture 101.

At the next meeting use a samurai sword as a pointing device.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a cutting-edge solution to clueless management.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

^[1] For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, kimbula means crocodile and a kimbula banis is an elongated, crocodile-shaped bun coated with sugar.

The Darth Teddy-Fluke Messages: Part 1 - The Ways of the Farce

THE EMPIRE, Outer Space -- One of the many lessons that Fluke will learn is portrayed in the first of the Teddy-Fluke messages. May the Farce be with you all.

Darth Teddy     : You still know nothing of the 
                  Farce!
Fluke Skywalker : Do you think arrogance clouds my
                  better judgment?
Darth Teddy     : And obviously you are flaunting 
                  it with some amateur female!
Fluke Skywalker : True, that statement may be.
Darth Teddy     : Arrogance is good if to control
                  it you know how.
Fluke Skywalker : I admit I have much to learn.
Fluke Skywalker : I hope not to be another Obi-Wan.
Darth Teddy     : You will note the various buttons
                  push do I to off people piss.
Fluke Skywalker : Slowly but surely I have been 
                  aware of them.
Darth Teddy     : Indeed, you may practice on that
                  tree.  Call it Gajid we do.
Darth Teddy     : What hit him will not know he!
Fluke Skywalker : As always, a point you have made
                  O Cuddly One.
Darth Teddy     : You will practice stealth and 
                  patience young Fluke.
Fluke Skywalker : I will indeed.
Darth Teddy     : Go, train in the ways of the 
                  Farce!
Darth Teddy     : But protection you shall use.
Fluke Skywalker : I will do as you've advised.
Fluke Skywalker : Protection I use always.
Darth Teddy     : Hmmm, Strong the Farce may 
                  eventually be in this one!

Fluke was unavailable for comment after this exchange as he set off on a journey after a tree. However please free to abduct him on the way and pose your questions.

Fluke Walks Away with First Prize at Beauty Pageant

WORLD'S END, Horton Plains -- In news just in, no we made that up, in news a few weeks old we are proud, shocked and amused to announce that the newest member of the Circus, young Fluke Skywalker, collected first prize at prominent beauty pageant. This accolade that was presented to Fluke is all the more special because all other contestants were largely of the opposite sex to the winner. Please ... be nice, they were female. We use the term "largely" with some emphasis due to the inability to classify certain contestants regardless to the number of tests carried out.

Young Fluke carried away this award by a unanimous vote where everyone, yes, everyone voted only for him .. er .. her .. erm .. it. The proud winner accepted his award in a very chic' t-shirt and a bright pink hat.

As a result of this Fluke now holds the prestigious title of "Separation Kumari". A title that cannot be taken away from him or in this case he couldn't get rid of if he paid people to take it away.

Due to certain restrictions enforced by Kahuna (Big), who currently is in possession of Fluke's gonads and is yanking them with a string, I am unable to post pictures of this gracious occasion, however if requested via the comments page personal delivery can be arranged through electronic mail.

Until next time this is BNN signing off and reminding you not to forget to wish Fluke on his memorable achievement.

Chaos at the Circus

TATOOINE, Arkanis Sector -- Confusion and chaos reigned at the circus yesterday due to a major blunder made by no other than Fluke Skywalker. The chain of events began with Big Kahuna inviting Fluke to an event staged by the Circus near the Avenue of Reeds. The true intention of Big Kahuna for calling this rather hasty gathering of the Buffoons is still a subject of discussion among lesser mortals.

The hasty invitation extended by Kahuna (Big) to Fluke took him by surprise as he desperately attempted to concoct a reasonable explanation for not attending all this buffoonery. Landing the blame on the Cuddly One as the reason for not attending lasted but only a brief moment as Fluke realised that Kahuna (living up to his reputation) was in constant contact with the Anaconda Keeper throughout his conversation with Fluke.

It was at this point that a ray of light seemed to appear before Fluke in the form of the (all-knowing) Jay-See who (unaware of the Circus activities, let alone Fluke's association with Big Kahuna) promptly informed that he required Fluke to accompany him to his watering hole which was located in the vicinity of the Square of Independence. Fluke, quick to realise that this would be his modus operandi of boycotting the planned festivities of the Circus, was quick to point to Big Kahuna that he would have no choice but adhere to the Jay-See’s command (considering the Jay-See being Fluke’s commanding officer and of course his immediate future operating under him as well) to which Kahuna (Big) decided to demonstrate to Fluke the extent of his authority over the universe by threatening the Jay-See with certain pictorial evidence, which if exposed, would lead to wide-spread panic within the ranks of the Jay-See, especially since this was supposed to include the giant in cahoots with Timmy the Clown. Details of the verbal battle which ensued between Big Kahuna and the Jay-See with an even bewildered Fluke in the midst, will be excluded to spare lesser mortals of agony.

However, the fact which emerged was the magnitude of steadfast power with which Big Kahuna rules the Universe, especially when Kahuna almost summoned The Ex-Dictator at which point Fluke was at his wits end at deciding which party to support. Finally, Fluke decided (with much reluctance) to heed the Jay-See’s order and accompany the giant to his watering hole.

The fate of Fluke now hangs (very) delicately in the hands of (Big) Kahuna.

"May the Farce be with Fluke"

The Circus Presents: Fluke Skywalker (May the Farce be with Him)

Fluke Invited to Join the Circus

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In extraordinary developments reported from Kahuna's arid desert retreat yesterday, young Fluke Skywalker has been invited to join the Circus.

Kahuna made the announcement late last night after a hastily convened meeting of the Board of Buffoons. It was not immediately clear if any buffoons attended or if Kahuna had resorted to his pluralis majestatis to concoct a quorum.

Graffiti on Darth Teddy's wall had first brought Fluke to the attention of Kahuna, who had concluded that the initiate was quite a clown after a lengthy interview.

It is also understood that Darth Teddy had lobbied heavily for the inclusion, fueling suspicions that the anaconda keeper may be attempting to lure the unsuspecting Fluke to the dark side of the Farce. Kahuna sought to downplay these allegations maintaining that he had a contingent of mongooses on standby to deal with any eventuality.

KNN continues to monitor this situation will sling more mud as this story develops.