Unquotable Quotes - Part 43

Is this the time you come home on a school night? Tsk, Tsk.

— Vandoofus, disapproving of Kahuna turning up in the wee hours.

I will do as I please.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

You need to get spanked. Er wait, you might like that.

— Vandoofus, having second thoughts on disciplining Kahuna.

I have stopped spinning.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on regaining control of his vestibular system.

So now you're a non-rotating black hole?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, reaching an extremely dense conclusion.

She had a bow and arrows in the car, what do you expect?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on the Admiral gaining unsanctioned ingress to his building.

I will send Akio Toyoda over to beat you senseless with an accelerator pedal.

— Kahuna to Gordon, seeking speedy dispute resolution.

Sorry, the Bill of Rights does not cover 1080p.

— Kahuna, dismissing Gordon's contention that HDTV was well within his rights.

Thus proving he doesn't require authorization from resident fruit bats to do anything.

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna being bypassed in formulating the household IPTV policy by His Paternal One.

Have you negotiated with your father to not set parental controls on the device?

— Gordon to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

I will compile the unabridged and unedited version of your biography to be presented to your offspring.

— Kahuna to Gordon, retaliating with the threat of releasing sensitive information.

SLT has also provided catnip for the household feline.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting value-added services for cats bundled with IPTV.

Mama baya ne!

— Diya Rakusa, defying Kahuna's threat of disclosing his decidedly colorful past.

And you expect all of us to come pick you up at the airport?

— Kahuna, outraged at Vandoofus demanding an entourage on arrival from the orient.

Not a wise course of action on the Ides of March, methinks.

— Kahuna, issuing a veiled threat on receipt of a general insult from Gordon.

Why is he the Genie?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, questioning the Genie Identity.

He likes to be rubbed.

— Kahuna, enlightening Vandoofus on the Way of the Genie.

Oh? Are you Alladin?

— Vandoofus, taking a dim view of Kahuna's role in the Way of the Genie.

That was a sub-optimal blow job.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, concluding that the blowhole (hummanaya) in Kudawala sucked after a decidedly feeble performance.

You can see Niagara Falls for free.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the daylight robbery legislated by the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha in charging admission to view the blowhole.

Not to mention the quasi-bogus visitor center that seems to be modeled after some species of octopus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, critiquing the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha's cephalopod-inspired architecture.

Will you abuse the words 'blow' and 'hole'?

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting high potential for buffoonery presented by current events.

If I get any better I will code myself out of the matrix.

— Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

Maybe your code will work if you get better.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

I see a guy wearing pink slippers; hope he messes with me.

— The Genie to Kahuna, spotting a suitable victim in his continuing quest for needless violence.

I read your messages to my wife.

— Huggles, voicing displeasure at insinuations made about his technical skills in Kahuna's communications with HRH.

Did you know that Yoda's voice and Miss Piggy's voice is the same?

— The Admiral to Kahuna, discovering the dark secrets of Frank Oz.

Bring this up now, do you?

— Kahuna, displeased at the Admiral's inconvenient discoveries.

The Turing Misadventures: Part 2 - The Huggles Doughnut Conundrum

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Late last year, a number of clowns gathered for dinner amidst much pandemonium. St Vandoofus, Darth Teddy, Timmy, The Monster and Her Royal Highness were among the assembled contingent. Kahuna was notably absent from the proceedings citing a suspicious and completely unverifiable prior engagement.

Given the already high Clown Factor, the event had rapidly descended into madness when the topic of conversation had been hijacked by known deviant Timmy and taken, kicking and screaming, into a candidly anatomical discussion of Huggles. At least of the more interesting parts of Huggles. While Huggles, blissfully asleep down under was unaware of his rising popularity at the time, Her Royal Highness had not been amused by the topic of conversation and had offered stiff resistance. However, not unsurprisingly, the prurient interest had prevailed and the highly questionable use of doughnuts had been proposed by Timmy as a unit of measurement of the length of the male endowment. The precise doughnut number for Huggles had not been accurately deduced despite a rather uplifting discussion. Nonetheless, there had been broad consensus that this would indeed be a large number.

Several weeks afterward, just prior to his arrival in this part of the world, Huggles was told of the doughnut conundrum by Kahuna. Being a large clown and unaware of his own doughnut number, Huggles made inquiries from Kahuna. This led to a hurried consultation between Kahuna and St Vandoofus:

Kahuna (K): Huggles wants to know how many doughnuts.
Vandoofus (V): Depends on the width of the doughnut.
K: In international standard doughnuts?
V: Also depends on the cream filling.
K: In the doughnut?
V: Yes.

It quickly became obvious that not even a team of huskies enticed by an extra ration of stew could have salvaged that conversation. Huggles had to contend with disappointment.

During a subsequent dinner at Chutney's mooted by Her Royal Highness to celebrate Huggles's birthday, Kahuna caused chaos by arranging the supply of doughnuts to the venue. Due to an apparent topological malfunction at the bakery, some of the doughnuts arrived as non-toroidal manifolds causing further chaos, and attracted highly inappropriate suggestions for making them holy once more. The wait staff of the establishment were no doubt traumatized by the spectacle of Darth Teddy brandishing a toroidal doughnut in his attempt to measure Huggles.

It is suspected that Kahuna was aided an abetted by the all-powerful Admiral in sourcing doughnuts. Operating in kernel mode and able to summon the general manager with a single system call, the Admiral demonstrated wide powers at the venue. These included the power to commandeer the restaurant, in nautical tradition, and reverse payment transactions, much to the irritation of Her Royal Highness.

However, despite all efforts, the doughnut number for Huggles has remained elusive. Kahuna finally consulted God to demystify the situation and broached the topic:

Kahuna (K): How many doughnuts can you put on your dick?
God (G): Around 1000.

It seemed that God was certainly well-endowed and not shy about it either. However, God did not seem entirely convinced about Huggles:

K: How many doughnuts can Huggles put on his dick?
G: Not as many as you might think.

And so we have come full circle. On that dodgy and highly inconclusive note, we take your leave for today.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 41

I didn't say half these things.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being prominently featured in UQ40.

Your liver would secede if it had that option.

— Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

Que? Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy's Foreign Language Retort to Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

I would like to play something besides their hands.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, expressing dubious desires after reviewing the Humanthesizer, consisting of fifteen bikini models.

What if someone sues your pants off?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus on the perils of roaming around without legal representation.

That's the irony: I am likely to need a lawyer when I am not with my lawyer.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to a high potential for misbehavior when unrepresented.

How do I check? Throw a match in or something?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on the correct procedure for examining one's tonsils.

You stand in front of a mirror, open your big mouth and shine a torch into the gaping darkness.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, outlining the more modern procedure recommended by five out of six otolaryngologists.

But, I should meet her in private.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of a circus in honor of Her Royal Highness.

I knew Google was bad news.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna applying facial recognition to His Picasa Web Albums.

Do you think parliament should meet under water?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, noting an underwater cabinet meeting held in the Maldives.

Yes, but without diving equipment.

— Vandoofus, approving Kahuna's watery proposal with a proviso.

Why? Was Huggles chasing you?

— Kahuna, hearing of Vandoofus running two kilometers.

Er, is he here?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing grave concern on the current whereabouts of Huggles.

Fucking Dell rip-off; I am buying a Mac.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, discovering after painstaking diagnosis that Harald Blatand was mysteriously unrepresented on his state-of-the-art Dell XPS 1310 notebook.

Are we presenting Teddy with an inappropriate gift?

— Her Royal Highness to Kahuna, plotting dubious deeds on the occasion of Darth Teddy's birthday.

So you chose Teddy over Doofi? Awww, he'll be hurt!

— Darth Teddy's Consort, learning of Kahuna choosing to deal with Teddy before Vandoofus.

Teddy is cuddlier.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Is there anyone you are interested in?

— Her Royal Highness, seeking to end Kahuna's unsupervised regime through dastardly means.

Other than your sibling?

— Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, seeking clarification.

Birthday sex.

— The Baron to Kahuna, defending an early return home on his birthday.

Just wish you were here too.

— The Baron to Kahuna, proposing a ménage à trois to celebrate his birthday.

Love this place; Gordon lives five minutes from everything.

— The Monster to Kahuna, disclosing the strategic co-location of Gordon's Lair from major amenities including the local Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

Gordon has located himself at the center of the universe?

— Kahuna, alarmed at the Monster's latest revelations.

I haven't been able to consult my lawyer since Tuesday.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to being sequestered by his parents.

I need to have a word with your mother.

— Vandoofus, threatening to invoke a higher power to deal with Kahuna.

Whom do you think your mother will believe? You or me?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, retaliating by raising a point of credibility.

Was the frosting disallowed?

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's confectionery intake being restricted to half a cupcake by his autonomous wife.

You expect us to believe that the plate moved on its own?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a major earthquake in the South Pacific.

You are fortunate that you live in the jungle or you would not be very safe right now.

— Her Royal Highness, warning Kahuna of an imminent offensive.

Oh, you'll summon your contingent of dieting elephants?

— Kahuna, speculating on the precise nature of Her Royal Highness's threat.

I see you're still in the low-frequency noise phase.

— Kahuna, peeved at humming sounds made by Vandoofus.

Very well then, have pleasant dreams that involve neither my brother nor my husband.

— Her Royal Highness, imposing restrictions on Kahuna's REM sleep.

You're seriously limiting my options.

— Kahuna, expressing irritation at Her Royal Highness's restrictive dreaming regulations.

Gordon may well be experimenting with this kind of thing in his laboratory.

— Kahuna to the Monster, observing the explosive results of microwaving a large Electra Bulb.

Indeed, I intend to aid when I get there.

— The Monster to Kahuna, confirming a genetic predisposition towards pyrotechnics.

This rivalry with Batman has got to stop.

— Kahuna to the Monster, taking a dim view of escalating tensions between Gordon and the Caped Crusader.

I will no longer be the Fat One soon, buwahahaha!

— Gordon to Kahuna, announcing a self-imposed exercise regimen.

Holy crème brûlée, Fatman!

— Kahuna, sensing a great disturbance in the barycenter of the Earth-Gordon system.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

The Law of the Circus - Part 1

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Difficult as it is to believe, more than three years have passed since the first publication of Unquotable Quotes back in March of 2005. The 37^th edition is expected to hit the streets sometime during the long weekend, barring an unforeseen act of Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes—perhaps better known as UQ—is the original commentary made by the large clowns infesting the Circus. Over the years, these clowns have uttered many choice statements that have been converted by Kahuna into laws, principles, hypotheses, corollaries, lemmas and even a prayer or two.

In hindsight, it would seem that arch motorist Professor Gordon started the wheel rolling when he propounded his Law of Legislated Potholes in UQ10. Soon after, Gordon followed up with his Principle of Volumetric Ornithology after a pelican decided to relieve itself on his then flagship automobile, GITT Mk II. This incident also gave rise to an entirely new field of study.

However, we digress. Here for the first time is a comprehensive reference to the Law of the Circus, in order of publication date:

From UQ10:

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

— Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

From UQ11:

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

— Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

— The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

— Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

— Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

— Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

From UQ12:

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

— The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

From UQ14:

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

— Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

From UQ15:

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

— Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

From UQ16:

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

— Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

— Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

From UQ19:

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

— Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

— Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

— Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

From UQ20:

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

— Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

From UQ21:

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

— Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

From UQ24:

The best parts of learning are the stains.

— Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

Mothers get along with me.

— Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

— Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

— Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

— Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

— Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

From UQ28:

Smooch is not equal to hump.

— Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

— Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

From UQ29:

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

From UQ30:

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

From UQ31:

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

From UQ32:

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

From UQ33:

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

From UQ34:

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

From UQ35:

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

From UQ36:

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 34

I think Cleopatra was the best.

— Gordon to Kahuna, having sampled forbidden fruit in the absence of Caesar.

Your darthworthiness has been questioned.

— Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy's credentials after leaking sensitive information about goings-on in Brighton to Fluke.

Bah, the look on your face as you held the rubbers in one hand and the vibrator in the other, like some multi-armed deity, in front of your roommates, is way off the scale.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, disclosing sordid snippets from the Brighton Files.

How many pics of the pussy did you take?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, making highly inappropriate references to members of the genus Panthera.

It was a male leopard; it had the balls to prove it.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, setting the record straight.

Please send more dodgy pictures.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, seeking more incriminating evidence of senior management frolicking in the Yala.

How do you people come up with this buffoonery?

— Fluke to Darth Teddy, seeking to understand the nature of the Farce.

We're clowns.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, explaining the nature of the Farce for the benefit of Fluke.

Perhaps I will poke him; it is a great honor to be poked by Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, proposing to prod Fluke on Facebook.

Who the fuck is Fluke?

— Gordon, in his debut performance of Living Next Door to Fluke.

Would you like to have your posterior pummeled?

— Kahuna, inviting Darth Teddy to a game of Scrabble.

You've indicated that we've lived together.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Baroness's dubious disclosures on Facebook.

Yep, let's create a scandal.

— The Baroness, refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.

Does the Baron know about this illicit relationship we've had?

— Kahuna to the Baroness, seeking safe conducts.

I will have you idiots sealed if you don't watch it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great displeasure at the respective seals of Kahuna and Darth Teddy.

My brother-in-law just threw an imaginary hippo at me.

— The Baroness, announcing the discovery of the Hippopotamus notional spp.

Certain individuals who shall remain nameless purchased five pairs of shoes by Imelda Marcos.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, describing a harrowing escape from the Takashimaya with Huggles, duly confounded by Her Royal Highness.

Will you be lobbying for a ban on underwear?

— Kahuna, questioning Darth Teddy's stand on the semper ubi sub ubi policy.

I will be confiscating them.

— Darth Teddy, revealing plans for his summer collection.

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

I agree wholeheartedly; let us begin by ceremonially throwing a sheep at his offending posterior.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, agreeing to a rearguard action on Gordon for failure to join Facebook.

I forgot to lock the croc before heading out.

— Gordon to Kahuna, pleading mea culpa to an alligator being found in the Chattahoochee River in Atlanta.

You're attempting to deploy a navy of lake monsters to terrorize the public.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of submarine warfare.

I'll have you whacked with a truckload of kimbula banis^[1] if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to silence Kahuna by means of amphibious baguettes.

Your personal bogosity must have caused an ass-to-cloud discharge.

— Kahuna, speculating that a backfired lightning strike may have led to the untimely demise of Gordon's broadband router.

At this rate, I'll need galvanic isolation.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation at frequent brownouts courtesy of the Ceylon 'Electricity' Board.

I can put you in a Faraday cage if you like.

— Gordon, proposing an extreme solution to isolate Kahuna.

Convert all the exit signs to simplified Chinese and they will die within the building.

— Kahuna to Gordon, offering a viable double-byte solution to clueless management.

Send them to me for Architecture 101; I will confiscate their laptops and give them paper and pencil.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical laptopectomy on pointy-haired types.

We might have a few fatalities on the first day due to blood loss from improper use of a pencil, not to mention paper cuts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, setting expectations for Architecture 101.

At the next meeting use a samurai sword as a pointing device.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a cutting-edge solution to clueless management.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

^[1] For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, kimbula means crocodile and a kimbula banis is an elongated, crocodile-shaped bun coated with sugar.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 32

Your face probably scared the mailer daemon.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on why her photograph was not delivered by email.

I have always been intrigued with the correlation between scanning cats and one's own illness.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on Computed Axial Tomography.

Apparently the monkeys have already started putting up banners to welcome you back.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, on a proposed expedition to the Yala.

It is the first time that I've seen a groom with hair longer than the bride's.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the Hobbit's hairdo at his nuptials.

I spilt orange juice on the laptop; it's fried.

— Gordon to Kahuna, declaring sinister deeds with a little help from his offspring.

I suggest you get one of those spill-proof baby bottles for yourself.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for causing a flood.

The keyboard on this thing seems to be made with chewing gum: it requires about 10 kPa to trigger a key.

— Gordon to Kahuna, bellyaching about his replacement laptop.

And the Seagate drive is as noisy as a squirrel on a tin roof.

— Gordon to Kahuna, dismissing the decibel as the preferred unit of measure for hard drive acoustics.

I casually mentioned that I was a university lecturer in IT and she toned it down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, admitting that he threw his considerable weight about to silence a luser.

We speak only Australian.

— Huggles to Kahuna, declaring an Australian-only policy.

Palayang ado.

— Kahuna, resorting to the native language to suggest that Huggles should stick his policy down under.

I have fetishes you wouldn't even dream of.

— Huggles to Kahuna, admitting his penchant for obsessions.

I have to recalibrate the Tomahawk.

— Gordon, on his pressing need for Kahuna's current location.

Application of Vaseline would have severely impacted the diffraction grating.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon's offspring had manifested with a DVD-R and a tub of Vaseline.

Your daughter may be attempting to destroy a second laptop with a well-greased DVD-R.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of weapons of mass diffraction.

She is attempting to override her ACL for objects on the table.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his offspring's efforts to access his tablespace and engineer a second flood.

She didn't take too well to the 403 error and has left.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting the result of revoking tablespace privileges.

She is currently transmitting wail packets on the broadcast address.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting further consequences of his actions.

C9 27 55 2A A7 30 B1 30 89 99 D5 0F 51 0A AA 98.

— Kahuna, laying claim to his own 128-bit integer after the AACS encryption key controversy.

Your emotions are not parsed by this channel; you will switch to approved channels.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for expressing an unsupported emotion [ =)) ] on MSN Messenger.

It seems that lawrencium has no known uses, just like you.

— Kahuna, taking an elementary jab at Vandoofus.

It has a half-life of 216 minutes: just like you, if I get my hands on you.

— Vandoofus, resorting to radioactive decay to deal with Kahuna.

They take being "The World's Local Bank" very seriously; in this part of the world, it appears to be the bullock cart.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on HSBC taking two weeks to deliver a security token.

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I am mucking about with the Seven Cores, the RSX and the Holy SIXAXIS.

— Gordon to Kahuna, swearing by a most unholy trinity.

My august personage shall stand no besmirching by thy vile lies, varlet!

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, redeeming his role as the Bart of San Francisco.

I'm not; this is gross photoshopping by that damned Katussa.

— Bartus Maximus to Gordon, denying that his tongue was seeking intercourse with a nearby ear as suggested by damning evidence obtained by Kahuna.

I shall send you a little effigy of myself that you can pay homage to.

— Bartus Maximus to Kahuna, on diversifying into the ornament and figurine business.

Hello, my name is E. Bunny and I am insatiable.

— Darth Teddy, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

A Q minor is a C major with an intercontinental delay.

— Vandoofus, explaining the newly discovered minor scale to Kahuna.

I've always believed in government of Kahuna, by Kahuna for Kahuna.

— Kahuna to Gordon, unveiling His manifesto.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

The Toast or How the Groom was Spared

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Much buffoonery was unleashed at the recently concluded nuptials of the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator. At the request of the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna made a keynote speech at the venue. Wide-ranging restrictions were placed on what Kahuna could actually say, thanks to the vast troves of photographic and other evidence gathered by Him over a period in excess of a decade. It is understood that an entire year was embargoed. However, most observers agree that the evidence was indeed decadent and might possibly cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

Unfortunately for the groom, his sibling turned out to be a bigger menace than Kahuna. When a multimedia projector and screen mysteriously turned up at the the venue, the groom broke up in a cold sweat and feared the worst. To his credit, he did had the presence of mind to steal the video cable. This was only returned after guarantees that Kahuna had nothing to do with it.

But, we digress. When Kahuna reflected upon the set of all information about the groom and subtracted the set of embargoed topics, His Holy Venn Diagram returned a null set. Perturbed, Kahuna engaged the services of Vandoofus, Gordon, Huggles and Associates to put a spin on things. The global PR firm wasted no time and left no stone unturned in going about this task. They ended up with enough dirt to bury the groom. So much for that idea.

St Vandoofus in particular offered many unbloggable anecdotes about the Ex-Dictator's colorful^[1] past. Some, like stories of suspicious rock-climbing expeditions^[2] and exploding automobiles^[3] were decidedly aunt-unsafe^[4]. Others were profound in their uselessness. One conversation with Vandoofus went like this:

Vandoofus : The Ex-Dictator and I hit the charts with
            the release of our version of Banks of
            the Ohio.
Kahuna    : Banks of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Ya.
Kahuna    : A murder ballad? X-(
Vandoofus : I asked my love to take a walk.
Kahuna    : To take a walk? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, just a little walk.
Kahuna    : Down beside where the waters flow? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, down by the banks...
Kahuna    : Of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Yup yup.
Kahuna    : And only say that you'll be mine? X-(
Kahuna    : Great, this is not what I want to picture
            X-(
Vandoofus : But, it was a hit.
Kahuna    : I'm sure.

Kahuna considers himself fortunate not being in the audience when the aforementioned duet was performed. Vandoofus finally decided to send a message of felicitation to the Ex-Dictator:

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

Professor Gordon also sent felicitations and invited the newly betrothed to his stronghold in Alpharetta. His offer letter threw in an air-bed for good measure. Earlier in the day, Gordon had interrupted the registration proceedings with a personal phone call to the bride and groom. Huggles and Her Royal Highness meanwhile sent cryptic marital advice that appears to have been heavily influenced by the prevailing heat down under.

Kahuna finally decided to ditch them all and play it by ear without also incriminating Himself in the process. He ended up delivering a speech that He considered quite tame by His usual standards. The Ex-Dictator was nonetheless seen fidgeting and wiping his brow during the spine-chilling moments Kahuna spent with a microphone.

However in the end, everything went well. The groom survived the night and the aunts were spared. Catbert provided comic relief and Darth Teddy tried to get Kahuna intoxicated. On that note, we end this episode our continuing tales of buffoonery and mischief.

^[1] Best viewed in Kodak ProPhoto RGB color space, including imaginary colors.

^[2] Not mere geology, but geo-chemical-kinetics according to Vandoofus. This is apparently measured using a seismometer.

^[3] Details remain sketchy, but some form of combustion outside the engine manifold had taken place.

^[4] All things are either aunt-safe or aunt-unsafe when calibrated against a gang of known aunts. Aunt-safeness exhibits direct correlation with the weighted average notoriety of the gang of aunts in question. Most known aunts are believed to fall somewhere between Bertie Wooster's aunts Agatha and Dahlia, who define the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Big Kahuna Under Pressure by Commanding Force

THE EMPIRE, Colombo -- In recent events that transpired in the uni-directional city of Colombo, we are amused to announce the passing of a long-time clown to the shackled side. This follows a considerably long line of predecessors that includes the Real Kahuna, the Groper, Huggles and Her Royal Highness and the easily forgettable individual formerly known as something that begins with "H". The event itself was quite intoxicating and thoroughly enjoyable owing to the funky attire of the groom.

However, enough about that. We need to move past the this shackling to a completely different location, namely the abode of Big Kahuna where there have been several reported attempts to attack the bachelorhood of said victim by the commanding forcing of a maternal nature. In very accurate reports there have been various inquiries made as to when this current status of bachelorhood will be deemed null and void. Kahuna in this regard has refused to make any public statements to any parties starting right from the maternal inquirer.

After conducting a number of interviews with fellow clowns on a solution to this entertaining issue the wide-felt consensus was that it was long overdue and proactive measure should be taken to amend this situation. We believe various summits with the maternal one are taking place as we speak.

That's all from us at BNN and as a parting note all we can say is that... the search is on.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 27

Yes! The first insult on Messenger is mine!

- The Ex-Dictator, rejoicing upon calling Kahuna a “dingbat,” online.

You're quite badly equipped for someone claiming to be Kahuna.

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s omnipotence.

Those are my cables it’s happily cutting up.

- Gordon, fuming on being told of the Monster improvising power supply solutions for Kahuna.

Will you be taking liquids to Yala?

- Gordon to Kahuna, in an effort to impose travel restrictions.

I intend to generate gases as well.

- Kahuna, responding to Gordon’s proposed travel restrictions.

Clown Factor appears to be auto-balancing.

- Gordon, learning the Cookie Monster had arrived in the tropics to compensate for the departure of the Monster.

You’re photographing wild pussy now.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s leopard photography.

I've named my pet anaconda.

- Darth Teddy, pleading guilty to dodgy anthropomorphic personification.

Hmm, possibly not, but it might get its belly tickled.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on whether his anaconda would be fed.

You’re posting images of naked animals: this is an invasion of their privacy.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for wildlife photography in the Yala.

You're free to clothe them at your own expense.

- Kahuna, proposing a solution to Gordon’s privacy fears.

Sports mode indeed; those animals are not playing anything.

- Gordon, taking a dark view of Kahuna using sports mode on His EOS 30D for wildlife photography.

You’re mucking about on the Internet without clearing all possible barriers to entering the aircraft.

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s online presence at the airport.

Probably due to too much smooching; if not, mounting.

- Kahuna, diagnosing the cause behind Darth Teddy’s cold.

You will note clowns at Sony are causing explosions all over the planet.

- Kahuna, on Sony’s unstable lithium-ion battery technology.

I bet they won't allow Dell laptops on aircraft now.

- Gordon, extrapolating the consequences of Sony’s battery fiasco.

What do the park animals think of the wildlife you traveled with?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on His traveling companions in the Yala.

I blame the leopard for not finishing you lot off.

- Gordon, expressing frustration at the continued existence of Kahuna et al.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Darth Teddy, reacting to Kahuna’s threat of being made to watch Brokeback Mountain beside Timmy the Ambidextrous.

This reminds me of The Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by Van Klomp.

- Gordon, critiquing Kahuna’s Ox-Eye Daisy.

The senate has ratified your appointment as Creature of Insufficient Light. You didn't have enough brownie points to make Creature of Darkness.

- Kahuna, informing Gordon of his latest appointment.

I was mistaken for a medical practitioner.

- Kahuna, admitting to involuntary malpractice.

It seems a performance of the Rite of the Polecat is called for.

- Kahuna, planning to summon an absconding Gordon by means of black magic.

See, if they taught polymorphism like that, you think I would have forgotten?

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on a highly explicit tutorial on object-oriented programming.

Bah, I powered you in the middle of the jungle if you recall.

- Gordon to Kahuna, refuting allegations of being outdated.

Did you dress up as Big Bird, given your background in volumetric ornithology?

- Kahuna, quizzing Gordon’s dress code during his offspring’s birthday party.

You'll probably get shot with this thing.

- Gordon, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

You think it can hold a Scud launch module?

- The Monster, on the Wenger Giant Knife, Version 1.0.

I believe they're short of a prophet in Colorado.

- Kahuna, noting a vacancy arising from the arrest of Warren Jeffs.

Do they still offer the Escalade and the laptops?

- Gordon, considering the offer and clarifying the perquisites.

Hmm, there was an idiot with a dubious accent that called, but it was daytime here.

- Gordon, recollecting a nuisance call from the Ex-Dictator in what the latter believed to be the wee hours of Eastern Daylight Time.

Your time zone calculations have been bungled.

- Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling a nuisance call.

Obviously, clowns from your company made the calculations.

- Kahuna, in his own defense.

I am currently getting shock absorbers replaced.

- Darth Teddy, reporting on the need for vehicular overhaul after a particularly vigorous Feast of the Anaconda.

GITT Mk III has a gyro.

- Gordon, disclosing inertial navigation capabilities in his flagship automobile.

Your attempt to have GITT Mk III classified as an aircraft—fraudulently—is noted: “my car has a gyro and thus inertial navigation and thus it’s a plane.”

- Kahuna, predicting Gordon’s reasoning to enter the civil aviation industry.

[Her Royal Highness] has left the room; do you want to give me a smooch now?

- Huggles, furtively soliciting favors from Kahuna.

Embrace of the Doofus – The Shocking Inside Story

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Local CF has taken a turn for the worse with the American having installed himself in this time zone. However, in response to recent slanderous blogging by Darth Teddy, it has become necessary to put the record um... straight.

St Vandoofus was indeed pursued and hugged^[1] by Darth Teddy at the Coffee Stop, much to the astonishment of non-clowns present at the time. While it was clearly a case of hug at first sight on the part of Darth Teddy, it was not immediately apparent if the American was a willing participant in the proceedings. However, he did seem less inclined to bolt as the evening progressed with intermittent hugs initiated by the allegedly cuddly one.

It is pertinent to note that Vandoofus was similarly hugged without provocation by a number of clowns including, but not limited to Huggles, Kahuna and the Monster during a rendezvous at the Coffee Stop last year. The holy one evidently did not escape that tryst unscarred, although he did express a wish to be hugged more frequently by Her Royal Highness.

For the meantime, damning developments have been uncovered by KNN. It has transpired that Darth Teddy was in a highly disturbed state at the time of accosting Vandoofus. Sources close to the situation divulged that Darth Teddy had watched Lasse Hallström’s Casanova and Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain (in that order) a few days prior to the incident. It is understood that the Bear was greatly taken up with the antics of Giacomo Casanova before being brought down firmly to earth by those of Ennis Del Mar. The cuddly one was heard making “highly disturbing” and “I’m officially disturbed” comments with reference to the cowboy flick, while also throwing in “shocking” for good measure. Heath Ledger playing the part of both protagonists has apparently done little to help matters as have the seven Oscar nominations. The award by MTV for the best on-screen smooch appears to have been the last straw.

Her Royal Highness would indeed be distressed to note that Darth Teddy has declared her sibling (yum) the Reference Edividual against this sordid backdrop. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen if Professor Gordon—the founder and proponent of the edividual calculus—would veto this choice. Experts were of the view that Gordon would weigh matters carefully before announcing his decision.

In light of recent developments, Darth Teddy’s fascination with multiple male orgasms is also most fascinating. Kahuna declined to elaborate on the topic adding that the Bear should be cautioned in the words of Casanova's Bishop Pucci that, “fornication on a massive scale leads to confusion.”

And on that illuminating note, we conclude this intentionally defamatory posting.

^[1] Zeno's Paradox of Motion (the one implicating Achilles and the tortoise) appears to have been put to the test here. The observations will be tabled at the next meeting of the Board of Buffoons.

Embrace of the Doofus – Part III

COFFEE STOP, Colombo -- The third release of a multi-part season occured earlier this week as the American at large, St. Vandoofus graced the shores of this fair region of the world. Shortly after landing he experienced the scintillating effect of being hugged in motion. To elaborate to those of you that are not familiar with the term "Hugged in motion" it means being hugged profusely while running around the coffee stop at one C. Grand. This motion hugging was carried out by one Darth Teddy who had been instructed by many to hug on sight, a request to which he duly responded at first opportunity. The hugging continued at regular intervals through the rest of the evening and at certain points the next evening during which Kahuna(Big) experienced the very first instance of MMO (See Below) ever recorded in the history of mankind. This was truly a unique experience (especially for Kahuna) and it be etched in the mind of those present for years to come. And also for those of you that have not had the pleasure of being enlightned of the first and the second releases of Embrace of the Doofus should directly contact Huggles (Release 1) and Aviation-man (Release 2) for graphic details. However we must warn you that Aviation-man seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth or so he has projected himself to be otherwise engaged so to speak.

In other news the inaugural webcam circus was held last night at the former residence of Her Royal Highness. This circus was conducted over webcam across continents and was brought to you by MSN Messenger. This event satisfied the condition of a minimum of three clowns ... infact very large ones ... namely Huggles, Her Royal Highness and Darth Teddy. Topics discussed included Aviation-man, Kahuna culinary skills, thieving wives, Poland, Return-dates, pregnancy and childbirth and of course the sibling now considered the reference edividual.

This has been a broadcast of BNN. We will bring you more entertainment news as it unfolds which is on a very regular basis.

*MMO - Male Multiple Orgasms

Unquotable Quotes - Part 20

By the way, is your dog okay?

- Timmy, expressing concern upon hearing of Kahuna’s squabble with His household canine.

This is what happens when you try to genetically mutate an animal against the forces of evolution and then uproot it from its natural environment and implant it in an urban one. It bites!

- Vandoofus, exposing the underlying reasons behind Kahuna being bitten by His household canine.

Right up your alley.

- Kahuna, on learning that Darth Teddy was watching Fun with Dick and Jane.

It appears we're venturing into the paranormal now.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told the Baroness considered their aviation misadventures to be outside the mainstream.

This can apparently happen when a mother with three children flying from Narita makes a mistake in the wee hours.

- Kahuna to Gordon, explaining the mysterious circumstances under which His baggage vanished.

Why does everyone write so much?

- Vandoofus, indicating displeasure at Kahuna’s long-winded discourses on the Circus.

Probably got intimidated by my presence.

- Vandoofus, commenting on Darth Teddy’s vanishing act during a conference.

Would you like my sausage?

- Darth Teddy, offering Vandoofus a bratwurst.

I think your sausage is hazardous.

- Kahuna, taking a toxic view of Darth Teddy’s sausage.

As far as I know [Darth Teddy] is in line to become my next mini-me.

- Vandoofus, unveiling plans for Darth Teddy.

Turning up at 3 am is not acceptable.

- Darth Teddy, expressing irritation at being visited by Kahuna in the wee hours.

He shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a cow.

- Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, on being told that Huggles was constructing a milkshake.

You should not be letting [Huggles] near any electrical gadgets!

- Her Royal Highness, reporting a botched milkshake construction due to a blender bungled by the serial hugger.

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

- Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

I want Gordon.

- Darth Teddy, desperately seeking Gordon.

Holy crap.

- Darth Teddy, hearing that Kahuna planned to cook dinner.

Oh, it’s the grizzly.

- Gordon, realizing that Darth Teddy was at the remote end of an instant messaging session.

I prefer Kodiak please.

- Darth Teddy, indicating his preference to Gordon.

What the fuck are you doing in that idiot’s bedroom?

- Gordon to Darth Teddy, after unearthing the latter in Kahuna’s Chambers.

I always suspected you were a barbarian.

- Gordon, noting that the cheesecake constructed by Kahuna had been labelled a decadent dessert.

Your family is starting to login from various locations.

- Kahuna, filing a formal complaint on the global online presence of Clan Gordon.

You might be firing up the hounds of hell for all I know.

- Gordon, learning that Kahuna was firing up Google Earth.

Hogwash. You could carry many forms of rabies.

- Darth Teddy, declining yet another offer to be bitten by Kahuna.

What is the elevation?

- Kahuna to Gordon, after being told the latitude and longitude of the latter’s stronghold in Georgia.

Gmail will make it simpler by using the Google Earth API to provide the sender's ICBM locator. You can reply ballistically.

- Kahuna to Gordon, expounding His vision for advanced functionality in Gmail.

Select [ ] conventional, [ ] nuclear, [ ] chemical or [ ] biological?

- Gordon, extrapolating the new Gmail user interface.

There'll also be an [ ] I'm feeling lucky today.

- Kahuna, laying down user interface standards.

You are using this service at your own risk. You hereby agree that your actions may be in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and numerous United Nations resolutions on the non-proliferation of weaponry. Google does not guarantee that the delivery will only obliterate the intended location and damage/disturbance to neighbors will be at your own risk. This service is provided as-is and will be subject to the availability of silos.

- Gordon, proposing the new Gmail disclaimer.

You bought a camera didn’t you?

- Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna had succumbed to temptation.

So many windows madame, so little time.

- Darth Teddy, paraphrasing Giacomo Casanova in Lasse Hallström’s 2005 production, Casanova.

Be the flame – not the moth.

- Darth Teddy, emphasising a key message from Lasse Hallström’s Casanova.

I believe I’m still just a spark, not a flame.

- Darth Teddy, denying charges of deep market penetration across Asia and most of Europe.

We’re still trying to put out the fires you lit.

- Kahuna, smouldering at Darth Teddy’s highly flammable frolics.

During the meal, the household feline attempted to mate with it.

- Kahuna to Gordon, reporting Darth Teddy’s attempts at starting a fire with His cat.

You could be screwing too hard.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on inexplicable fusing of light bulbs at the latter’s premises.

It was never a problem before.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 18

This conversation will be useful at your hearing.

- Gordon, collecting evidence against Kahuna on the fly.

A tent under the Great Pyramid might be considered suitable by some.

- Gordon, on being told that Kahuna would be provided suitable accommodation in Egypt.

The burial chamber of said pyramid, by others.

- Kahuna, taking a deadly view of suitable accommodation.

I'll thump you with a stuffed mongoose.

- Gordon, proposing to practice the dark art of percussive taxidermy on Kahuna.

How should I know the loopback address?

- Vandoofus, in his own defense in Vandoofus v Linksys.

Tsk tsk tsk… At this time of the night?

- The Regulator, encountering Kahuna online at 2:00am (GMT+6).

You should be chaperoned by Attila the Hun.

- The Regulator, considering sanctions against Kahuna.

Looks weird. Why would you need so many pixels?

- Vandoofus, evaluating the Hasselblad H2D-39.

Doofi, if you touch this blog template again, I will take the next flight to NY and thump you.

- Sinister message found in the Circus blog template.

Moses is required at this end.

- Kahuna, considering supernatural assistance to deal with His flooded garden after record rainfall.

Bogart?

- Gordon, hearing Huggles had named his automobile “Humphrey.”

Oh god, there goes the neighborhood.

- Vandoofus, learning of the impending arrival of Gordon in the Land of the Free.

Fortunately, the Land of the Free is very big.

- Vandoofus, making the best of a bad situation.

Does anyone know where he’s going to set up his evil stronghold upon arrival? Just so I can designate the area a level-5 biohazard quarantine region and unleash the killer prairie dogs.

- Bartus Maximus, taking proactive measures to deal with an elevated Gordon threat level.

Are you passionate about sulphur springs?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s plan to take a sabbatical among the sulphur springs in Iceland.

It’s one thing I am passionate about.

- Vandoofus, on lunch.

We have imported bananas from South Africa. Used from behind, they can easily fool anyone. It can be used as a shotgun any day.

- The Regulator, proposing the use of imported bananas in lieu of traditional firearms.

Used from behind?

- Kahuna, questioning the use of a banana astern.

Well I can’t hold a banana to his face now, can I?

- The Regulator, defending her rearguard action.

In no time we are going to generate enough energy from rotten bananas to light up the city.

- The Regulator, planning to set up an unconventional power plantain.

What better way to give yellow light?

- The Regulator, on the conservation of chrominance during power generation.

We don't have a minimum height requirement.

- Kahuna, addressing the Regulator’s concerns about joining the Circus.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here.

- The Regulator, stating the obvious.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just leave me alone!

- The Regulator’s corollary to Albert Camus.

I'll have the cream and the whip separately on a plate, please.

- The Regulator, advocating the separation of cream and whip.

The Arch-Pyrotechnologist

 
The Arch-Pyrotechnologist (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

MOUNT LAVINIA, Sri Lanka -- Arch-pyrotechnologist Ebenezer Gordon, Director of the Ali Dong Propulsion Institute, armed to the teeth with high explosives in the Garden of Huggles.

Having studied explosives from an early age, be it while plugging in polarity-reversed capacitors into the national grid or fabricating incendiary devices with joss sticks as fuses, Gordon is a considered to be a big bang in the industry.

Captured on 1^st January 2006 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (2.5 seconds) with a resulting aperture of f/8. 

Pyrotechnics in the Garden of Huggles

Pyrotechnics in the Garden of Huggles (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

MOUNT LAVINIA, Sri Lanka -- A plastic bottle primed with a firework ruptures, discharging threads of fire in the Garden of Huggles. Yet another explosive masterpiece by Gunti the Curious and Timmy the Menace.

Captured on 1^st January 2006 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (2.5 seconds) with a resulting aperture of f/8. 

Dance of Fire and Light

Dance of Fire and Light (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

MOUNT LAVINIA, Sri Lanka -- A pinwheel lit by master pyrotechnologist, Gunti the Curious spins in a brilliant yet fleeting dance of fire and light, a few hours past midnight in the Garden of Huggles. An empty Pringles can used for purposes not recommended by the manufacturer bears silent witness.

Captured on 1^st January 2006 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on shutter priority (2.5 seconds) with a resulting aperture of f/8. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 16

Must be quite a view from the judges’ chair.

- Gordon, on learning that Anna Nicole Smith had argued her way up to the supreme court.

No, just grass.

- Gordon, on being asked if he was organizing a grassroots campaign.

For a cow, you're quite well armed.

- Gordon to Kahuna, after an exchange consisting of moo(), slaughter() and Uzi() function calls.

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

- Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

- Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

- Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

I am paying the gym dues. Does that count?

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being asked if he exercised.

You buy condoms as well, right? Does that mean you have sex?

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, attempting Rebuttal by Dubious Analogy.

I think you touch up your pictures.

- Vandoofus, taking a grim view of Kahuna’s photography.

Lets see… The winner of the Vandoofus [Prize for] Best Photographer… With 4 votes… The Real Kahuna! Clap clap clap clap clap.

- Vandoofus, announcing the winner of the controversial prize bearing his name.

This is rigged! I demand that Jimmy Carter [be] an independent observer!

- Kahuna, calling for free and fair elections with international moderation after learning the outcome of the Vandoofus Prize competition.

Why does my monster get so angry when you say something?

- Vandoofus, musing on the behaviour of his MSN avatar in the presence of Kahuna.

He's probably realigned a whole set of cruise missiles to point at cricket fields now.

- Gordon, pondering the consequences of George W Bush being hit in the head with a cricket ball, and surviving.

This is a direct consequence of bungling a lens cleaning operation.

- Kahuna to Gordon, on having to visit the Mumbler after catastrophic failure of surface-mount optics.

So, under the guise of a terrible breakdown, I kept it for a week.

- Her Royal Highness, confessing to laptop repair encroaching on eternity.

Beware of the porcupines of March!

- Kahuna, issuing a cryptic warning to Gordon.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 15

Removal of the cranium will fix this.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a highly invasive procedure to relieve a minor irritation of Cranial Nerve VII.

Seriously, drink something healthy. I would start with Coke if I were you.

- The Regulator, objecting to Kahuna’s consumption of green tea.

Are you asking me to unveil the Regulator?

- Kahuna to the Monster, querying the latter’s dubious motives.

Athigaru mugatipathythumagen awasaraii [May it please His Excellency the Keeper of the Mongoose].

- Kahuna, opening his State of the Circus Address.

Hiss!

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s opening remarks with a blatant spirant.

I'm divine.

- The Regulator, establishing her credentials.

Your response time is the most bogus in the solar system. I'm getting better round-trip time to Pluto.

- Kahuna, taking an astronomical view of Gordon’s instant messaging response time.

Balls still frozen?

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, querying the temperature in New York.

I finally dug my car out. The street cleaning trucks dumped all the snow on the side, so it was buried in about four feet of snow.

- Vandoofus, reporting the weather from New York after record snowfall.

They are providing an armed escort for me to get out of this hole.

- Timmy, reporting on being at the receiving end of things for a change.

At this rate, we'll have to meet in Geneva for dinner.

- Gordon to Kahuna, after a particularly violent dinner planning session.

I strongly believe it’s been overlooked as a venue for solving international conflict.

- Gordon, on Barbados and the need to foster discord such that it may be resolved there.

Smooch my ass.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on receiving an unsolicited smooch on St Valentine’s day.

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

- Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

A one-inch screw and part of a hacksaw blade were extracted from the tyre this morning.

- Gordon, reporting significant overnight deflation.

You should be switched off if you ask me.

- Gordon, taking a decidedly hardline view of Kahuna’s existence.

Pissing on the statue might have been more appropriate.

- Gordon, on being informed that busts of the Scourges of the Nation had received a flatulent tribute from Kahuna.

I'm currently rotating polygons in confined spaces.

- Kahuna, reporting topological complexities in bathroom design using Visio.

Is that a technical term for jacking off?

- Gordon, arriving at a topologically obtuse conclusion from Kahuna statement.

No doubt you picked up a few terms from him and went and harassed the other vendors.

- Gordon to Kahuna, raising serious questions regarding the latter’s knowledge of cathodic protection.

Then again, you don't know your primary master from your secondary slave.

- Kahuna, accusing Huggles of a botched hard disk drive configuration.