The Toast or How the Groom was Spared

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Much buffoonery was unleashed at the recently concluded nuptials of the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator. At the request of the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna made a keynote speech at the venue. Wide-ranging restrictions were placed on what Kahuna could actually say, thanks to the vast troves of photographic and other evidence gathered by Him over a period in excess of a decade. It is understood that an entire year was embargoed. However, most observers agree that the evidence was indeed decadent and might possibly cause tachycardia in assorted aunts.

Unfortunately for the groom, his sibling turned out to be a bigger menace than Kahuna. When a multimedia projector and screen mysteriously turned up at the the venue, the groom broke up in a cold sweat and feared the worst. To his credit, he did had the presence of mind to steal the video cable. This was only returned after guarantees that Kahuna had nothing to do with it.

But, we digress. When Kahuna reflected upon the set of all information about the groom and subtracted the set of embargoed topics, His Holy Venn Diagram returned a null set. Perturbed, Kahuna engaged the services of Vandoofus, Gordon, Huggles and Associates to put a spin on things. The global PR firm wasted no time and left no stone unturned in going about this task. They ended up with enough dirt to bury the groom. So much for that idea.

St Vandoofus in particular offered many unbloggable anecdotes about the Ex-Dictator's colorful^[1] past. Some, like stories of suspicious rock-climbing expeditions^[2] and exploding automobiles^[3] were decidedly aunt-unsafe^[4]. Others were profound in their uselessness. One conversation with Vandoofus went like this:

Vandoofus : The Ex-Dictator and I hit the charts with
            the release of our version of Banks of
            the Ohio.
Kahuna    : Banks of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Ya.
Kahuna    : A murder ballad? X-(
Vandoofus : I asked my love to take a walk.
Kahuna    : To take a walk? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, just a little walk.
Kahuna    : Down beside where the waters flow? X-(
Vandoofus : Yes, down by the banks...
Kahuna    : Of the Ohio? X-(
Vandoofus : Yup yup.
Kahuna    : And only say that you'll be mine? X-(
Kahuna    : Great, this is not what I want to picture
            X-(
Vandoofus : But, it was a hit.
Kahuna    : I'm sure.

Kahuna considers himself fortunate not being in the audience when the aforementioned duet was performed. Vandoofus finally decided to send a message of felicitation to the Ex-Dictator:

I hope this doesn't change anything between us.

Professor Gordon also sent felicitations and invited the newly betrothed to his stronghold in Alpharetta. His offer letter threw in an air-bed for good measure. Earlier in the day, Gordon had interrupted the registration proceedings with a personal phone call to the bride and groom. Huggles and Her Royal Highness meanwhile sent cryptic marital advice that appears to have been heavily influenced by the prevailing heat down under.

Kahuna finally decided to ditch them all and play it by ear without also incriminating Himself in the process. He ended up delivering a speech that He considered quite tame by His usual standards. The Ex-Dictator was nonetheless seen fidgeting and wiping his brow during the spine-chilling moments Kahuna spent with a microphone.

However in the end, everything went well. The groom survived the night and the aunts were spared. Catbert provided comic relief and Darth Teddy tried to get Kahuna intoxicated. On that note, we end this episode our continuing tales of buffoonery and mischief.

^[1] Best viewed in Kodak ProPhoto RGB color space, including imaginary colors.

^[2] Not mere geology, but geo-chemical-kinetics according to Vandoofus. This is apparently measured using a seismometer.

^[3] Details remain sketchy, but some form of combustion outside the engine manifold had taken place.

^[4] All things are either aunt-safe or aunt-unsafe when calibrated against a gang of known aunts. Aunt-safeness exhibits direct correlation with the weighted average notoriety of the gang of aunts in question. Most known aunts are believed to fall somewhere between Bertie Wooster's aunts Agatha and Dahlia, who define the opposite ends of the spectrum.