Fluke Invited to Join the Circus

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- In extraordinary developments reported from Kahuna's arid desert retreat yesterday, young Fluke Skywalker has been invited to join the Circus.

Kahuna made the announcement late last night after a hastily convened meeting of the Board of Buffoons. It was not immediately clear if any buffoons attended or if Kahuna had resorted to his pluralis majestatis to concoct a quorum.

Graffiti on Darth Teddy's wall had first brought Fluke to the attention of Kahuna, who had concluded that the initiate was quite a clown after a lengthy interview.

It is also understood that Darth Teddy had lobbied heavily for the inclusion, fueling suspicions that the anaconda keeper may be attempting to lure the unsuspecting Fluke to the dark side of the Farce. Kahuna sought to downplay these allegations maintaining that he had a contingent of mongooses on standby to deal with any eventuality.

KNN continues to monitor this situation will sling more mud as this story develops.

The Way of the Anaconda

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In news breaking from the tropics, it has been established beyond reasonable doubt that Darth Teddy is on the prowl:

Kahuna      : Good morning. Whip()
Darth Teddy : Why hello.
Kahuna      : *Gasp* You have awoken before the sun
              reaches zenith!
Darth Teddy : Yeah that.
Kahuna      : Would you like a dictionary?
Darth Teddy : I got my own thanks.  Always handy when
              you are in the vicinity.
Kahuna      : As are chastity belts when you are in
              the vicinity :-P
Darth Teddy : Obviously this is not the case
              considering my conquests.
Kahuna      : There are always those who don't listen
              to good advice.
Darth Teddy : This covers 99% of the population.
Kahuna      : Are you saying you did 99% of the
              population? X-(
Darth Teddy : Er no.  I am saying that many don't heed
              good advice.  In any form.
Kahuna      : A mongoose should sort you out.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense.  This is an anaconda not a
              cobra.  I will have the mongoose and
              his family for dessert.
Kahuna      : Might as well since your anaconda has
              not been fed for a while.
Darth Teddy : *FUME*
Kahuna      : *Grin* Bangkok?
Darth Teddy : Shouldn't we all :-L
Kahuna      : LOL. In your case, for the safety of
              others :-P
Darth Teddy : A fairly valid reason.
Kahuna      : Indeed. You're quite a handful even
              when you're not horny X-(
Darth Teddy : I try.
Kahuna      : I know X-(

Darth Teddy provided the anaconda used in this production.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 18

This conversation will be useful at your hearing.

- Gordon, collecting evidence against Kahuna on the fly.

A tent under the Great Pyramid might be considered suitable by some.

- Gordon, on being told that Kahuna would be provided suitable accommodation in Egypt.

The burial chamber of said pyramid, by others.

- Kahuna, taking a deadly view of suitable accommodation.

I'll thump you with a stuffed mongoose.

- Gordon, proposing to practice the dark art of percussive taxidermy on Kahuna.

How should I know the loopback address?

- Vandoofus, in his own defense in Vandoofus v Linksys.

Tsk tsk tsk… At this time of the night?

- The Regulator, encountering Kahuna online at 2:00am (GMT+6).

You should be chaperoned by Attila the Hun.

- The Regulator, considering sanctions against Kahuna.

Looks weird. Why would you need so many pixels?

- Vandoofus, evaluating the Hasselblad H2D-39.

Doofi, if you touch this blog template again, I will take the next flight to NY and thump you.

- Sinister message found in the Circus blog template.

Moses is required at this end.

- Kahuna, considering supernatural assistance to deal with His flooded garden after record rainfall.

Bogart?

- Gordon, hearing Huggles had named his automobile “Humphrey.”

Oh god, there goes the neighborhood.

- Vandoofus, learning of the impending arrival of Gordon in the Land of the Free.

Fortunately, the Land of the Free is very big.

- Vandoofus, making the best of a bad situation.

Does anyone know where he’s going to set up his evil stronghold upon arrival? Just so I can designate the area a level-5 biohazard quarantine region and unleash the killer prairie dogs.

- Bartus Maximus, taking proactive measures to deal with an elevated Gordon threat level.

Are you passionate about sulphur springs?

- Vandoofus, questioning Kahuna’s plan to take a sabbatical among the sulphur springs in Iceland.

It’s one thing I am passionate about.

- Vandoofus, on lunch.

We have imported bananas from South Africa. Used from behind, they can easily fool anyone. It can be used as a shotgun any day.

- The Regulator, proposing the use of imported bananas in lieu of traditional firearms.

Used from behind?

- Kahuna, questioning the use of a banana astern.

Well I can’t hold a banana to his face now, can I?

- The Regulator, defending her rearguard action.

In no time we are going to generate enough energy from rotten bananas to light up the city.

- The Regulator, planning to set up an unconventional power plantain.

What better way to give yellow light?

- The Regulator, on the conservation of chrominance during power generation.

We don't have a minimum height requirement.

- Kahuna, addressing the Regulator’s concerns about joining the Circus.

I'm trying to keep a low profile here.

- The Regulator, stating the obvious.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just leave me alone!

- The Regulator’s corollary to Albert Camus.

I'll have the cream and the whip separately on a plate, please.

- The Regulator, advocating the separation of cream and whip.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 17

What’s the loopback IP?

- Vandoofus, fourteen years and two degrees later.

I’m well aware of your sieve-like mind.

- Kahuna, providing the Regulator with the URL to the Circus for the N^th time.

Yeah, it only holds the important bits.

- The Regulator, revealing a fetish for the most significant bits.

So yours is a nominal banana republic?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, questioning the lack of indigenous bananas in her republic.

However, I can airdrop a container load of rotten fish.

- The Regulator, proposing to fish in troubled waters.

Dare I ask whether you ever consider tying the knot?

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on marriage.

And have my wife ruin the Balance of Ma'at?

- Kahuna to the Regulator, taking a controversial view on marriage.

Wait, wait, I am trying to configure the Linksys.

- Vandoofus, about to do battle with a wireless router.

Finally I am connected! Wahaha! Secure network!

- Vandoofus, declaring victory after a grim, daylong mêlée to seize the WEP key.

I see we are discussing religious topics now.

- The Monster, taking a biblical view of proceedings in the Circus.

Are you proposing a separation of church and state?

- Kahuna, questioning the Monster’s biblical view.

No, I am proposing the marriage.

- The Monster, proposing the unholy wedlock of church and state.

Bill was with Monica Lewinsky when the rights were established, hence they are void.

- The Monster, raising a point of law on being told his proposal to merge church and state would violate the establishment clause of the Bill of Rights.

It looks like a radical theocracy.

- Kahuna, on the Monster’s plan to form a government and declare himself pope.

The tub is about to overflow!

- The Monster, declaring an impending buffer overrun.

I intend to wash behind a lot of things.

- The Monster to Kahuna, on being told to wash behind the ears.

Is thermonuclear fission imminent?

- Gordon, on learning that Kahuna was running a temperature.

A lot of problems could have been solved if a mongoose was introduced into said garden.

- Kahuna to Gordon, proposing radical serpentectomy in Eden.

Nonsense, I’m up at dawn to make the sun rise.

- Kahuna to the Monster, dismissing accusations of late rising.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 15

Removal of the cranium will fix this.

- Gordon to Kahuna, proposing a highly invasive procedure to relieve a minor irritation of Cranial Nerve VII.

Seriously, drink something healthy. I would start with Coke if I were you.

- The Regulator, objecting to Kahuna’s consumption of green tea.

Are you asking me to unveil the Regulator?

- Kahuna to the Monster, querying the latter’s dubious motives.

Athigaru mugatipathythumagen awasaraii [May it please His Excellency the Keeper of the Mongoose].

- Kahuna, opening his State of the Circus Address.

Hiss!

- Gordon, objecting to Kahuna’s opening remarks with a blatant spirant.

I'm divine.

- The Regulator, establishing her credentials.

Your response time is the most bogus in the solar system. I'm getting better round-trip time to Pluto.

- Kahuna, taking an astronomical view of Gordon’s instant messaging response time.

Balls still frozen?

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, querying the temperature in New York.

I finally dug my car out. The street cleaning trucks dumped all the snow on the side, so it was buried in about four feet of snow.

- Vandoofus, reporting the weather from New York after record snowfall.

They are providing an armed escort for me to get out of this hole.

- Timmy, reporting on being at the receiving end of things for a change.

At this rate, we'll have to meet in Geneva for dinner.

- Gordon to Kahuna, after a particularly violent dinner planning session.

I strongly believe it’s been overlooked as a venue for solving international conflict.

- Gordon, on Barbados and the need to foster discord such that it may be resolved there.

Smooch my ass.

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, on receiving an unsolicited smooch on St Valentine’s day.

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

- Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

A one-inch screw and part of a hacksaw blade were extracted from the tyre this morning.

- Gordon, reporting significant overnight deflation.

You should be switched off if you ask me.

- Gordon, taking a decidedly hardline view of Kahuna’s existence.

Pissing on the statue might have been more appropriate.

- Gordon, on being informed that busts of the Scourges of the Nation had received a flatulent tribute from Kahuna.

I'm currently rotating polygons in confined spaces.

- Kahuna, reporting topological complexities in bathroom design using Visio.

Is that a technical term for jacking off?

- Gordon, arriving at a topologically obtuse conclusion from Kahuna statement.

No doubt you picked up a few terms from him and went and harassed the other vendors.

- Gordon to Kahuna, raising serious questions regarding the latter’s knowledge of cathodic protection.

Then again, you don't know your primary master from your secondary slave.

- Kahuna, accusing Huggles of a botched hard disk drive configuration.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 2 – The Way of the Ugguduwa[1]

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A recent commotion in the ceiling of Kahuna’s abode led to the following buffoonery that quite literally went to pot.

Kahuna : There's a rumpus in the SCA X-(
Gordon : Eh?
Kahuna : Suspended Ceiling Architecture
Gordon : Heh heh, I see
Kahuna : This may be due to a hothambuwa[2]
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : :=))
Kahuna : Or even a kalawedda[3]
Gordon : In addition to the one in your room :=))
Kahuna : #$!@$#@#%#$%#$%
Gordon : ROTFL
Kahuna : I will send a mugatiya[4] to deal with you
Gordon : You appear to be operating an unlicensed
         private zoo X-(
Kahuna : Look who's talking
Kahuna : Your illicit banana plantation in the
         Bahamas for instance...
Gordon : If I had holdings in the Bahamas,
         I wouldn’t be mucking about here
Kahuna : Obviously this is a front for tax evasion
Gordon : I will get the courts to stop this
         investigation[5] if you don’t watch it X-(
Kahuna : You’re using the proceeds from your banana
         empire to finance nefarious deeds X-(
Gordon : Such as?
Kahuna : The Blare GITT Project for starters
Gordon : You're the one growing genetically modified
         marijuana X-(
Kahuna : Ha! I knew it!
Kahuna : You’re in the pot business
Gordon : Bah

No polecats were harmed during the course of this production.

^[1] Common Indian Palm-cat (Paradoxurus hemaphroditus hemaphroditus).
^[2] Sri Lanka Ruddy Mongoose (Herpestes smithii zeylanicus).
^[3] Golden Palm Cat (Paradoxurus zeylonensis).
^[4] Common Sri Lanka Grey Mongoose (Herpestes edwardsii lanka).
^[5] A threat to invoke the supremely powerful Hambantota Maneuver.