Melancholy

Melancholy (Copyright (cc) 2007 B Kahuna)

DAMBULLA, Sri Lanka -- A Toque Macaque (Macaca sinica) also known as a Temple Monkey, stares sadly at Kahuna along the rear steps leading to the Dambulla Raja Maha Vihara.

Captured on 20^th July 2007 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/2.0) and a resulting shutter speed of 1/100^th of a second.

Darth Teddy's Dodgy Deliveries: Part 1 - The Horn of the Monkey

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Darth Teddy perpetrated Outright Buffoonery last Monday, when he had a dodgy birthday cake delivered to Kahuna through his emerging logistics network.

Despite the Bear's best laid plains, however, his logistics provider bungled the element of surprise by calling Kahuna the Saturday before. It seems they didn't quite trust the data provided by the Bear and wished to confirm Kahuna's identity and delivery address. This turned out to be a good thing since Darth Teddy's sinister plan was to have the merchandise delivered to Kahuna's workplace. Realizing that the anaconda keeper was up to no good, Kahuna promptly diverted the delivery to His abode to neutralize the threat. Buffoonery continued on Monday when the delivery types lost their way in the apparently labyrinthine road network leading to said abode. Another round of talks was held to extricate the clowns from the maze.

When the cake finally arrived at its destination (in the absence of Kahuna) it turned out to be a highly unorthodox construction replete with pointy bits sticking out of the container through a custom-built aperture geometry that would have intrigued Euclid. This is the highly suggestive sight that greeted Kahuna when He returned home:


El Cuerno del Mono (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

The container was opened to reveal what appeared to be a cake in the form of a monkey: specifically a horny monkey, presumably of the Pan corneolus darthii spp., as evidenced by the disgustingly happy grin on its face.






Up Close and Personal (Copyright © 2007 B Kahuna)

Darth Teddy was reportedly quite pleased with his antics, despite the hilarious misadventures of his burgeoning logistics empire, noting that "It's a horny monkey; what's not to love?" Meanwhile, Kahuna admitted that He had made incisions into the monkey's hindquarters and declared them to be quite tasty. He added that the Darth Teddy had become a bigger menace than anticipated, but assured that appropriate countermeasures were being planned. He remained tight-lipped when asked if these would be of an edible nature.

Kahuna's actual age is the subject of much debate, although, some—including the heavyweight de Gordonzola lobby—have concluded that He's practically a relic and any demise on His part would not be untimely. Kahuna, however, scoffed at these suggestions and indicated that He planned to hang around and make Himself a nuisance to the planet until further notice. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 24

Ah, I haven’t made a cake in years. Not since when I was in Sri Lanka. I made a cake for [the Confucius’s], but unfortunately it came out harder than rock.

- The Regulator, recollecting her early dabbling in culinary petrology.

Did you include Portland cement as a binding agent?

- Kahuna, launching an investigation into the Regulator’s cake mix.

It could have easily been used to globber someone – someone like you.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, proposing alternative use of her rock cake.

Clearly you were unable to follow a short recipe.

- Kahuna, taking the Regulator to task for bungling a cake recipe.

The best parts of learning are the stains.

- Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

I control the bananas in this republic.

- The Regulator, establishing her substantial credentials.

I'm off to a meeting – and to make more enemies.

- The Regulator, on what she does well.

It’s criminal to start a meeting at 0815.

- The Regulator, on the legitimacy of untimely assembly.

Plus there are people here who'll be happy to kill me, mostly the operators.

- The Regulator, justifying her reasons to have a short vacation.

My hand still hurts.

- Vandoofus, reporting a suspicious repetitive strain injury.

No, my balls are not ready to be pawned yet.

- Darth Teddy, declining to dine with Kahuna at the Hilton.

Mothers get along with me.

- Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

- Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

Can you help me find the Great Wall?

- Vandoofus, lost in China while Google sightseeing.

You might see some ice cream vans parked near the beach.

- The Regulator, announcing her banana republic’s response to B-52s parked at Diego Garcia.

Banana ice cream which almost tastes like Chunky Monkey^® is a definite threat.

- The Regulator, disclosing the threat level of her ice cream vans to Kahuna.

A Vermonster will settle your hash.

- Kahuna, proposing to deal with the Regulator using twenty scoops of ice cream, ten scoops of chopped walnuts, four ladles of hot fudge, four bananas, three cookies, two scoops each of four toppings, a fudge brownie and whipped cream.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

- Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

- Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

- Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

I will maroon you on a lonely planet if you’re not careful.

- Kahuna, charting a rough guide to Darth Teddy’s future.

If it ain’t in Wikipedia it didn't happen.

- Vandoofus, disputing Kahuna’s interpretation of Custer’s Last Stand as being when Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer tried to stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

How do I fix my cabinet file?

- Vandoofus to Kahuna, having bungled an installation of MSN Messenger.

You must hold a cabinet meeting.

- Kahuna to Vandoofus, having pored over to the Book of Apocryphal Solutions.

I’m now a lead [sheep]^[1] with subordinates.

- Darth Teddy, establishing his flock.

Are you suggesting you are some form of wide-area border collie^[2]?

- Kahuna, giving Darth Teddy the benefit of the doubt regarding his herding instinct.

Not to mention a case of prowling bear, hidden anaconda.

- Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy’s modus operandi.

I think it’s a personal best.

- Vandoofus, on sleeping in from 8pm to 8am.

Yeah, he was completely baffled.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on the outcome of her anonymous nuisance call to Darth Teddy.

Yes later I did, while he was vehemently denying that he booked a seat to fly out of Colombo I had to laugh.

- The Regulator to Kahuna, on being asked if she revealed her identity to Darth Teddy.

^[1] Darth Teddy made a sheep sound (in a Bernisdale dialect) at this juncture.

^[2] As an interesting aside, the Wikepedia has this to say: Border Collies are extremely energetic and require a lot of attention. They are better off in a household that can provide them with plenty of exercise and a job to do. Like most herding breeds, they will attempt to herd family members, cats, squirrels, bicycles, cars, or anything else that moves in the absence of other charges.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 23

I am currently de-toxing.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of intense liver function following a night of debauchery.

I have been abducted. I shall return as soon as possible.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, issuing an optimistic outlook.

The aliens have done well.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s abduction.

Bah! It was disturbing and the sibling is yum.

- Darth Teddy, making alarming references to Brokeback Mountain and HRH’s edible sibling in the same statement.

You're the one stockpiling whips and gags and I'm the pervert?

- Gordon to Kahuna, taking umbrage at being accused of depravity.

I'm finding it hard to swallow.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, declaring a state of tonsillitis.

And don't make any wisecracks.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, realizing too late the high potential for misuse in His previous statement.

He must have stepped behind some general and gone “buwahahah.”

- Gordon, learning of George W’s surprise visit to Iraq and proposing his modus operandi.

Nonsense, he couldn't handle the responsibilities that come with mine.

- Darth Teddy, on the heavy responsibilities of managing his assets.

However, your current responsibilities are limited to walking the dog.

- Kahuna, dismissing Darth Teddy’s purported responsibilities.

He knew some bogus sports stuff and helped us to become one before the last.

- Vandoofus, summing up Darth Teddy’s contribution at a quiz.

But my left paw is still functional.

- Vandoofus, issuing a statement on his shoulder injury before realizing he was not ambidextrous.

The source of this bogosity is 45 minutes from here. Perhaps I should drive up with a few rotten eggs.

- Gordon, proposing to visit Atlanta and lob a personal objection to a news headline by CNN.

I was merely giving him displacement from NJ to NY.

- The Monster, pleading guilty to providing displacement measurements to Gordon.

I will submerge you in the Black Sea and measure the displacement if you're not careful.

- Kahuna to the Monster, proposing an alternative means of measuring displacement.

You were misbehaving on a grand scale tonight.

- Kahuna taking Darth Teddy to task for operating in promiscuous mode during a Japanese meal.

Sequel Pasha is absconding. He may have executed an incorrect DDL statement and made himself vanish.

- Kahuna to the Monster, on the extended disappearance of Gordon.

We had a chat and decided that we would both get drunk and nuke you.

- Darth Teddy, informing Kahuna of his strategic alliance with Ching the Merciless.

Hang on; we are discussing your demise.

- Darth Teddy, putting Kahuna on hold to discuss strategy with Ching the Merciless.

You don’t even have that much sex.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s numerous daily conference calls.

The State of Georgia issues only one plate, for the rear. You can take this up with Sonny Perdue if you have issues.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the lack of a front registration plate on GITT Mk III.

How can you release 22 billion gallons by mistake?

- Kahuna to Gordon, questioning the release of water from Lake Lanier in Georgia as reported by CNN.

Your mere presence is causing a drought.

- Kahuna, holding Gordon accountable for the impending drought in Georgia.

I have great respect for one S Hussein who had the guts to shoot most members of parliament.

- Kahuna, expressing extreme annoyance about goings on in the Temple of the Monkey.

I'm sure the price of buffaloes must be on the increase.

- Gordon, speculating on the effect of rising oil prices.

This can be rectified. All I need are a few diodes.

- Kahuna, seizing an opportunity to dabble in semiconductors.

I will feed you to the crocodiles if you don’t watch it.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that the new Picasa Web Albums offer an RSS feed.

With your dietary advice, these crocodiles will end up diabetic.

- Kahuna, taking a dubious view of Gordon’s crocodile feed.

At least you can't get driving directions yet.

- Gordon, on Google Mars.

A couple of F-16s flew over the supermarket today.

- Gordon, reporting a secure shopping experience.

I used Navtech devices on Mk III earlier today to locate a fish n chips joint.

- Gordon, reporting the use of satellite navigation for nefarious purposes.

It's even voice activated. You say "I'm hungry" and it shows you all the restaurants in the vicinity. Say "go home" and it points you back to base.

- Gordon, explaining the operation of his satellite navigation system.

Good grief! Those are B-52's alright.

- Gordon, confirming Kahuna’s identification of a parked fleet of bombers on Diego Garcia.

Probably? I just counted 8 B-52s.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that Diego Garcia was probably well protected.

Panic() panic() panic().

- Gordon, discovering Sony’s foray into digital SLR cameras with the highly disturbing Alpha DSLR-A100.

Nonsense, you were counting B-52s parked in Diego Garcia.

- Kahuna, refuting Gordon’s claims he was too busy to blog.

You provided coordinates.

- Gordon, in his own defense.

The Low-Down in Westminster

CITY OF WESTMINSTER, United Kingdom -- Despite the perquisites and privileges rendered unto the monkeys, the Temple is indeed a perilous place. Fisticuffs and brawls are commonplace, as is the practice of silencing the opposition with a few well-aimed tomes or items of furniture that had the misfortune of not being securely anchored.

Thus is the decorum with which their elected representatives discharge the business of the people. Of late, nonetheless, assault below the belt has also been practised in the Temple of the Monkey, sinking the traditions of Westminster to all-time low.

A recent discussion between Professor Gordon and Kahuna featured the behaviour of the monkeys. The learned anthropologist Gordon conjectured that should this form of practice take place in the mother of parliaments, the British House of Commons, Outright Buffoonery (OB) would result given the close seating arrangements.

Naturally, this led to extrapolation of such an incident in true British style.

[We begin during Prime Minister’s Question Time]

Prime Minister : …Therefore, Mr Speaker, I firmly believe that the Honourable Leader of the Opposition must ask himself…

[Scuffle from benches]

Member from Wangford : [Interrupting] Mr Speaker, the Honourable Home Secretary has just grabbed me in a most unparliamentary manner!

Home Secretary: [Sotto voce] Bollocks!

Speaker : [Startled] Order please! Will the members please keep their fellow members’ members alone?

Member : Mr Speaker, I wish to raise private member’s bill regarding this most unparliamentary conduct of the honourable member!

Speaker : [Agitated] There will strictly be no raising of members!

Member : Mr Speaker, I must protest most strongly at this limitation placed on members!

Speaker : [Visibly flustered] Is the Honourable Member for Wangford attempting to rise to the occasion?

Member : Mr Speaker, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands if you do not permit my member’s motion!

Speaker : [Turning purple] This exchange is not very uplifting, I will have the offending member removed if you persist in this atrocious behaviour!

Prime Minister : Mr Speaker, will the Honourable Member for Wangford kindly put a sock in it?

Fellow Members : Hear, hear!

[Lot of nodding]

Speaker : [Relieved] We should perhaps break for tea at this point.

Prime Minister : Mr Speaker, I fancy a cuppa myself.

Speaker : [Greatly relieved] Splendid!

And thus concludes this episode in our continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy.

High Living at the Temple of the Monkey

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- It was no secret that the monkeys of the Temple were indeed a privileged lot, what with the subsidized cuisine and bullock carts free of duty. Even so, the discovery of a cannabis plantation on the premises has been quite a shock, as reported in today's Daily Mirror.

Given that the plantation was located on a terraced garden in the main building complex, it certainly gives a new meaning to the term plant pot. However, the discovery of the clandestine gardening operation is likely to put things out of joint for the perpetrators.

On hearing the news, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) issued a statement saying he felt fully vindicated by his decision in April last year to move the Bogotic North Pole of the planet from Sacramento to Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte. He added that the California State Legislature is never in an intoxicated state.

KNN will bring you updates of this developing story.

Circus Update - Buffoonery Continues

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- Bart the Oblivious and St Vandoofus have been re-exported to the opposite ends of the contiguous United States, considerably reducing local Clown Factor (CF) in Sri Lanka. The Peacemaker, however, is at large and appears to be on the offensive.

The Circus is now open for business with a new blog template that has considerably irked Professor Gordon. The portly one has purportedly discovered a thermocline in his bathtub and was not available for immediate comment. Despite these misgivings, the new template has been endorsed by both Vandoofus and the Monster. However, the Monster will be thumped with a large gamma-correction for suggesting that it is too bright.

In political news, enlightened members of the general public were seen armed with broomsticks to greet species of governing monkey of revolutionary disposition. The philosophy of comrade Lenin was ignominiously scuttled to make a hasty retreat and preserve the unholy posterior. Kahuna and Professor Gordon issued a rare joint statement applauding the public action and called for the establishment of the Most Noble Order of the Idala. Detractors, who criticized the statement as being tantamount to legalization of witchcraft, have been offered a knighthood in the proposed Order. The broomstick futures market sky-rocketed during the day's trading, prompting some investors to make a clean sweep.

In related news, Kahuna has proposed that all astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics be cast into the sea under a new memorandum of understanding entered into with Poseidon. Kahuna declined to provide further details of the arrangement, but indicated that His proposals were concrete. Analysts admitted that the medium-term forecast for the industry remained uncertain.

In other news, Utter Buffoonery (UB) has been reported from Menace Mansions, home of the newly betrothed Menace (aka Her Royal Highness) and Huggles. Attempts to construct the traditional milk rice in a rice cooker have been completely bungled by the non-standard use of the steamer attachment. A KNN camera crew which infiltrated the premises has obtained exclusive footage of the debacle. These will be revealed in due course at considerable risk to personal safety.

The Monkey Doctor – Academia Goes Ape

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In academic news, doctoral degrees in that most noble field of political science, are now handed out based on the prospective candidate’s oral aperture (measured in f-stops), vocal magnitude (measured in decibels) and MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) rather than intelligence quotient. Links to unsavory characters? Capital! Extra credits.

The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.

Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.

In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.

Unauthorized Clown School Draws Fire

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking developments, the existence of an unauthorized Clown School headed by a person calling himself the Jester (holy #@$%, Batman!) has come to light. Born in the Year of the Monkey, among the sordid interests of this person appear to be sex drugs. This interest appears to be unique within the blogging community and a rise in the sildenafil citrate futures market remains unlikely. The treacherous Monster also appears to be in league with this individual.

In comments to the media, Kahuna declared that the sublime arts of clowning and buffoonery were natural traits that could not be taught in schools. He added that cease and desist orders would be issued shortly and reserved His right to arm bears and scramble the flying attack porcupines.

KNN will provide unbiased coverage of the developing situation.

Monkey in Compromising Position with Mace?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Commenting on the theft of the mace yesterday, Kahuna said it was obvious that the deputy monkey in question was suffering from penis envy and considered the mace to be a phallic object. Given that it was not recovered for several hours, it is quite likely that the monkey was having its way with the mace in private. Kahuna added that while, this is typical simian behavior, it could easily be corrected with a either a 21-gun salute (aimed appropriately) or a firing squad à la Saddam Hussein.

The Monster Celebrates 24th Birthday

WORLD TRADE CENTER, Sri Lanka -- The Monster was made to (i.e., forcibly) celebrate his 24^th birthday today at the World Trade Centre, thanks to a elaborate plot hatched by his former partners in crime and the villainous El Gordo. The Monster was lured to the premises of the Bogusan Empire on the 15^th floor of the West Tower by El Gordo on the pretext of an unholy video-conference while the rest of the conspirators lurked at the Deli Market on the podium block. The plot was confounded by a) the poor organizing skills of El Gordo; b) the Monster deciding to work late; c) the inability to herd cats; and d) a non-cooperative bear. Kahuna's NB-complete nature was required to salvage the situation.

After several botched attempts, the Monster was greeted at the doors of the descending elevator by none other than Kahuna armed with a specially-designed party hat. Needless to say, the Monster was highly disturbed by the personal appearance of Kahuna, party hat notwithstanding (several innocent elevator users were also disturbed by Kahuna lying in wait). The victim was then forced to wear the hat and escorted to the premises of the Deli Market, where he was set upon by the aforementioned bear, suspected to have been in heat at the time. The Monster was seen hugging and kissing the bear, much to the disturbance of bystanders, but in well in line with his fetishes.

Gifts unveiled after the meal included a hand-puppet in the form of a monkey, a tee-shirt indicating that the wearer was the Chosen One (for alien abduction, that is) and a bikini several sizes too small. The Monster was seen exiting the WTC premises with the bikini in hand after the close of festivities.

Monkey Business Exposed

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Reporting on the continuing drama of the Temple of the Monkey, the Daily Bogon, regarded as the New York Times of the East, spake thus:

There was high drama on the eve of the election of a Deputy Speaker of Parliament today when Jathika Hela Urumaya MP Ven. Kathaluwe Rathanasara Thera who voted with the Government during the election of the Speaker on April 22 was mercilessly beaten up dragged out of his temple and abducted by a gang of six monks at Rawathawatta, Moratuwa last night.

Although, the fundamental components of the Temple of the Monkey were believed to be monks and monkeys (by the Monster's First Law) it has now come to light that the monks are indeed a hitherto undiscovered species of primate, distinct from and subordinate to Macaca sinica. The monkey, it appears is a far more evolved cousin of the monk, given publicly demonstrated instances of behavior.

In related developments, the collective noun for a group of monks was declared to be a gang.

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- The following decree has been issued by the Powers that Be lead by Kahuna after an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Board of the Universe, last night:

WHEREAS, there has been unilateral agreement on the Monster's First Law declaring the Parliament of Sri Lanka to be a Temple;
AND WHEREAS, the Smithsonian Institution has observed and recorded the behavior and politics of the Temple Monkey of Sri Lanka (Macaca sinica) for a period in excess of thirty years;
AND WHEREAS, such behavior and politics have been replicated with authenticity in the Parliament of Sri Lanka;
IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED that the Parliament of Sri Lanka shall henceforth be known as the Temple of the Monkey with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto with a member of the Holy Orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus) species being designated High Priest and Chief Incumbent with the right to Speak and Preach on behalf of said Temple;
IT IS FURTHER RESOLVED that the Peanut (Arachis hypogaea) shall be the Official Currency and Legal Tender of said Temple with One Hundred and Ninety Peanuts being the equivalent of One Sri Lanka Rupee.

So ordered and adjourned, sine die.

COLOMBO, Bogocratic Socialist Republic??? of Sri Lanka -- Foundations of Sri Lankan politics.

Axiom #1: Parliament => Temple.

Proof: Excerpt from a recent CNN.com news article, "... the all-Buddhist monks party has won 11 seats, making them one of the largest parties in parliament."

Concluding, the rest of the inhabitants are 'Monk'eys.