Monkey in Compromising Position with Mace?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Commenting on the theft of the mace yesterday, Kahuna said it was obvious that the deputy monkey in question was suffering from penis envy and considered the mace to be a phallic object. Given that it was not recovered for several hours, it is quite likely that the monkey was having its way with the mace in private. Kahuna added that while, this is typical simian behavior, it could easily be corrected with a either a 21-gun salute (aimed appropriately) or a firing squad à la Saddam Hussein.