Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza: The Math Behind the Pizza

TROY, New York -- In His continuing research on pizza, Kahuna has unearthed Paul Clegg's Grand Unification Theory of Delivered Pizza originally published here in the Project Galactic Guide, August AD 1994.

While Paul Clegg is more commonly known for his work with Project Galactic Guide, what is not so commonly known is his work with the Grand Unification Theory.

The Grand Unification Theory, that is, of Delivered Pizza.

One particularly boring weekend, while gaming with some friends in the basement of one of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's lecture halls, one of Paul's friends had some pizza delivered. Upon receipt of the pizza, which was, apparently, on time but late as usual, Paul noted their response to the temperature of the pizza.

"It's not very hot," they said. Almost immediately, the clockworkings of Paul's brain, dusty though they were, set into motion, pondering the mathematics behind the delivered pizza.

"Is it any good?" Paul asked. And in reply, his friend, with a mouth full of not-quite-hot pizza, mumbled an unexcited affirmation.

Paul then thought that perhaps the quality of a pizza was somehow related to the temperature of the pizza. He also then theorized that the warmth of the pizza was, of course, indirectly proportional to the time it took for the pizza to arrive.

This set down the framework for one of the basic principles and formulas for determining the quality of a delivered pizza. In recognition for his brilliant discoveries in the field of Pizza Delivery Mathematics, the entire team of researchers working in the field named the unit of measure for pizza quality the "Clegg." Eventually, the quality equation was filled out to a more robust form, as shown below:

                             P T

                       Q = -------

                           t (1+I)

Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end.

I is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. I takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, and the scale has been named "The Toigo Scale," in honor of the man who added it to the equation, Mark Toigo, a chemical engineer at RPI. To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit.

An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale.

Amazed with this initial discovery, Paul and his compatriots, who may, or may not, have included Mark Toigo, Sam Blue, Deb Atwood, Kevin Allen, Shawn Havranek, Nigel Westlake, and Brian Moore, set out to derive some more mathematical truths behind delivered pizza. What you'll find below is a somewhat disjointed collection of the more important findings made on that glorious night.

1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation:

             Beta

         t = ----

              D



         Where Beta is a constant in m * s.

2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg):

                      P(avg) T(avg) Alpha

          lifetime = ---------------------

                             Q(avg)

Check the units. They work out.

3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza.

4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza.

5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity.

6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R_c is the "Deb Constant."

                                    R

                                     c

                         f       = -----

                          cheese   sauce

7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation:

            (sum(leftturns)-sum(rightturns)mv

thickness = ----------------------------------

                     f       m       a    R

                      cheese  cheese  car

8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly.

9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a Domino's Pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver.

9a. Corollary to the Blue Effect: A Domino's Pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time.

9b. Corollary to the Corollary: The average police response time is much much much greater than the response time of a Troy Ambulance.

10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120.

11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to:

                        2

                       n

                      e

12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant.

Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws.

There, it's a lot clearer now.

Pariganaka Thaakshanaya Ekasiya Eka (101)

ROSS ICE SHELF, Antarctica -- In unexpected developments, Professor Gordon and Kahuna have conspired to unleash Absolute Buffoonery (AB) upon the general public by founding the Kahuna-Gordon Institute for Modern Language.

Headquartered in picturesque Antarctica overlooking the Ross Sea, the vision of new institute is to completely bogotify language as we know it. To prove their point, the menaces to society have unveiled an excerpt of their Translation Look-aside Buffer (TLB) for the native tongue:

BASIC (Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code) = puhunukaruwan udesaa woo bahu-prayojanawath sankethaathmaka upades deemey sangnaawa

C# = ul C

CSMA/CD (Carrier-Sense Multiple-Access/Collision Detection) = kriyaakaari maadya sanvedi bahu labaageneema/getum seweema

COBOL (Common Business Oriented Language) = bahulawa thibena vyaaparikayan udesaa woo baashawa

CLR (Common Language Runtime) = podu bhaasha duwanaya

DMZ (De-Militarized Zone) = yuda batayingen thora pradeshaya

DOS (Disk Operating System) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

DOS/VSE (Disk Operating System/Virtual Storage Extended) = theti kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/adbhootha lesa gabada digukarana lada

FC-AL (Fiber Channel Arbitrated Loop) = kendi naalikaa samatha vatarauma

Firewall = gini-thaappaya

FORTRAN (Formula Translation) = soothra pariwarthanaya

HACMP (High Availability Cluster Multi-Processing) = bahulawa labaagathaheki pokuru bahu-sekaseema

HAGEO (High Availability Geographic Cluster) = bahulawa labaagathaheki bhoogoleeya pokura

IBM (International Business Machines) = anthar-jaathika vyaaparika yanthra

OS (Operating System) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya

OS/VS2/MVS (Operating System/Virtual Storage 2/Multiple Virtual Storage) = kriyaathmaka padhdhathiya/deveni bhootha gabadawa/bahu bhootha gabadawa

PABX (Private Automatic Branch Exchange) = pudgalika swayankreeya athu huwamaaruwa

PL/SQL (Procedural Language/Structured Query Language) = kriyaa patipata baashawa/piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

SSA (Serial Storage Architecture) = polimaakara gabada gruha nirmaanaya

SCSI (Small Computer Systems Interface) = kudaa pariganaka padhdhathi muhunuwara

SQL (Structured Query Language) = piliwelakata hedu prashna baashaawa

TCP/IP (Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Protocol) = vikaashana paalana piliwetha/antharjaala piliwetha

TLB (Translation Look-aside Buffer) = pariwarthanayedi ahakabalana bufferaya

Videoconferencing = veediyoe sammanthrana kereema

VM (Virtual Machine) = bhootha yanthraya

VM/CMS (Virtual Machine/Conversational Monitor System) = bhootha yanthraya/kathabas nirikshana padhdhathiya

VPN (Virtual Private Network) = bhootha pudgalika jaalaya

VPN Firewall = bhootha pudgalika jaala gini-thaappaya

In related news, the Surgeon General warned that excessive laughter may lead to shortness of breath and dizzy spells.

Catbert Ruffles Hair with Keyboard Styling Bid

LOS GATOS, California Republic -- Self-styled fashion mogul and Former Reference Clown Catbert rocked the fashion establishment last week by announcing his latest creation: keyboard styling. Denying he had melted half the keys on his notebook attempting to dry them with a hair dryer after a catastrophic beverage spill, Catbert touted them as the latest in fashion. Outraged fashion houses from Milan to New York demanded why Catbert required the use of a hair dryer and speculated if at all he knew how to operate one.

Initial indications from the Management Information Systems division of the Bogusan Empire suggested they were not pleased with Catbert's latest antics. The Head of the all-powerful division is reported to have offered Catbert a more ruggedized notebook in the form of a stone tablet and a chisel.

The Shiny-headed One was detained by Management Information Systems and not immediately available for comment.

The Dreamer's Desk

Geoffrey Bawa's desk looks out towards Sigiriya (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- The desk where the late master architect Geoffrey Bawa dreamed sits alone on the landing looking out towards Sigiriya.

Reflections in the Pond

Reflections in the pond at the eco-park (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna experiments with light and shadow at the eco-park with the sun almost directly overhead with an exposure of 1/200th of a second and an aperture of f/6.3. Other members of the expedition were consorting with reptiles at the time of this capture.

The Bell in Silhouette

Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel (Copyright © 2004 B Kahuna)

KANDALAMA, Sri Lanka -- Silhouette of the bell in the Dambulla wing of the hotel, captured against the western horizon a few hours before sunset using a Sony Cybershot DSC-V1 at 5MP, 1/400th of a second exposure and an aperture of f/8. Several large clowns were observed ringing the bell at various times during the expedition.

Kahuna Returns to the Woods

KAHUNAVILLE, Connecticut (Formerly MA) - Spokesmen for Kahuna told Associate Press, that a team of behavioral science experts headed by Kahuna himself, the world renowned animal behavioral science expert famous for his research on cows, has successfully concluded an expedition to Kandalama. This is was first time Kahuna has returned to the field after bizarre accident in Kotmale involving a bull sent him to the hospital. The incident almost prompted Kahuna to give up all research on cows. This time, however, Kahuna and his team managed to conduct the experiments without an incident. Kahuna said the expedition was a success and that the findings will be published shortly. He acknowledged the support of his team members and added the research on animals was specially rewarding when conducted with his fellow researchers. Other members of Kahuna’s team were unavailable for comments.

Reagan Remembered

ENFIELD, Connecticut – The director of postal services has released a memo saying the postal services will be suspended on Friday in respect to the death of the ‘President’. I assume he is talking about the former president since the current one is still alive. The financial industry also comes to a standstill on Friday as the last rites for the former president is conducted in Washington DC. The former president will be dearly remembered for his crack down on social programs, escalating spending on defense, Iran-Contra scandal, demolishing the wall between church and state, arming the Taleban and for being buddies with Saddam Hussein.

Parliamentary Terminology 101 - Part 1

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In this new feature, we look at some of the important terminology used in legislative assemblies.

filibuster, noun: a. The use of obstructionist tactics, especially prolonged speechmaking, for the purpose of delaying legislative action. b. An instance of the use of this delaying tactic. Complete definition.

buster, noun: A form of address used in some democratic assemblies of the Westminster tradition to attract the attention of a fellow legislator before unleashing physical assault upon that person (i.e., punching their lights out). Considered to be an advanced and more effective form of filibuster, particularly when lacking a majority and used in conjunction with the removal and hiding of the mace.

Monkey in Compromising Position with Mace?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Commenting on the theft of the mace yesterday, Kahuna said it was obvious that the deputy monkey in question was suffering from penis envy and considered the mace to be a phallic object. Given that it was not recovered for several hours, it is quite likely that the monkey was having its way with the mace in private. Kahuna added that while, this is typical simian behavior, it could easily be corrected with a either a 21-gun salute (aimed appropriately) or a firing squad à la Saddam Hussein.

Who Let the Monkeys Out?

SRI JAYAWARDANAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- [Quote] Suddenly, silence descended all round when a Member ran away with the Mace. After bolting from the Chamber, the MP is alleged to have had hidden the Mace. [End Quote] Full Story...

Circus Ready for Audioblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In highly disturbing breaking news, Blogger and Listenlab have launched audioblogging allowing audio posts be be blogged through the holy public switched telephone network.

Setup your Audioblogger account and call 1-661-716-BLOG. May the voice be with you.

Gordon in Cuba for Secret Talks

Gordon poses with Castro and Arafat after talks at the Palace of the Revolution in Havana

HAVANA, Republic of Cuba -- News leaked from the Cuban capital earlier today has bared secret talks between Cuban President Fidel Castro Ruz and crackpot inventor Professor Gordon. Sources wishing to remain anonymous divulged that Castro had offered Gordon the post of Chief Scientist, with a mandate to build a working model of a 1955 Chevy carburetor.

Experts were quick to caution the move saying that, while Gordon had an explosive history with polarity-reversed capacitors, his mechanical aptitude was untested with internal combustion engines. "This whole thing could blow up," they warned adding that a Cuban Carburetor Crisis could be brewing.

Gordon was last seen in the hills of Sri Lanka attempting to trip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path around the faculty buildings at the Peradeniya University. This plan had apparently been foiled by the Vice Chancellor's Gardener when he had cleverly diverted Gordon into a lily pond.

It was not immediately clear if Gordon had accepted the job, although, he did pose for a sketch with Castro and visiting Palestinian President Yassar Arafat. Arafat's visit was not believed to be linked to the carburetor agenda.

When accosted, Gordon refused comment, but did say he was visiting Santiago de Cuba for a vacation. A spokesman for President Castro vehemently denied the report and blamed it on a negative publicity campaign launched by Cuban dissidents in Miami.

Vandoofus Crash Again but Invited to Fly SpaceShipOne

Skylark Airport, CT – The second attempt at getting the Vandoofus Airlines off the ground, sadly, ended in yet another spectacular crash. This time the plane took off without an incident and flew for a few minutes over the airport field and above a car park. The pilot managed to keep the plane in control until a gust of wind threw the aircraft off course right above a group trees. In a desperate attempt to get back to the course, the pilot reduced power and made a sharp turn. This caused the aircraft to stall and fall on top of the trees. The entangled plane had to be recovered by a Turkish salvage company. No injuries were reported and the aircraft sustained no damage. Meanwhile a spokesmen for Paul Allen said, the SpaceShipOne is considering asking Vandoofus to pilot its first flight to space schedule for July. SpaceShipOne will be the first commercial spaceship to fly out of the atmosphere which is expected to win the X price reserved for the team that first build and launch a spaceship privately that is able to carry three people to an altitude of 100km, return safely to earth and repeat the trip in 2 weeks. Burt Rutan, aviation technologist and the head of the SpaceShipOne team said despite NTSB investigations on Vandoofus after his aircraft crashed a couple of times this month, he sees no one else qualified or skillful at this stage to carry out the experimental flight. Vandoofus who has returned from Gastonia, NC, after attending his friend’s wedding, was not available for comments.

FRC Commends the Circus

COLOMBO, Sri-Lanka -- Former Reference Clown (FRC) Cl.Catbert issued a statement over the weekend praising The Circus Blog as a source of high quality literary works.

The articles were declared to be of high news value and deemed outstanding literary creations. Cl.Catbert will no doubt be a frequent subscriber to the posts.

For reasons of Referential Integrity, the prestigious office of Reference Clown (RC) is now held by a much larger clown than Cl.Catbert. Readers interested in further details are referred to the International Standards Organization (ISO) who announced the changeover several years ago.

False Prophet Plunged into Darkness

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Greater Kendaliyaddapaluwa was plunged into darkness Saturday due to inclement weather. Initial reports from the region suggest that the False Prophet El Gordo was not responsible for the crisis. The Regional One of the Ceylon [Electricity] Board took a decidedly Newtonian view and explained the technical reasons behind the debacle saying "maha line eka wetila." He did not reveal any immediate plans to pick it up. Electricity was restored Sunday, minutes after the Monster reported the situation to Kahuna.

The Monster Celebrates 24th Birthday

WORLD TRADE CENTER, Sri Lanka -- The Monster was made to (i.e., forcibly) celebrate his 24^th birthday today at the World Trade Centre, thanks to a elaborate plot hatched by his former partners in crime and the villainous El Gordo. The Monster was lured to the premises of the Bogusan Empire on the 15^th floor of the West Tower by El Gordo on the pretext of an unholy video-conference while the rest of the conspirators lurked at the Deli Market on the podium block. The plot was confounded by a) the poor organizing skills of El Gordo; b) the Monster deciding to work late; c) the inability to herd cats; and d) a non-cooperative bear. Kahuna's NB-complete nature was required to salvage the situation.

After several botched attempts, the Monster was greeted at the doors of the descending elevator by none other than Kahuna armed with a specially-designed party hat. Needless to say, the Monster was highly disturbed by the personal appearance of Kahuna, party hat notwithstanding (several innocent elevator users were also disturbed by Kahuna lying in wait). The victim was then forced to wear the hat and escorted to the premises of the Deli Market, where he was set upon by the aforementioned bear, suspected to have been in heat at the time. The Monster was seen hugging and kissing the bear, much to the disturbance of bystanders, but in well in line with his fetishes.

Gifts unveiled after the meal included a hand-puppet in the form of a monkey, a tee-shirt indicating that the wearer was the Chosen One (for alien abduction, that is) and a bikini several sizes too small. The Monster was seen exiting the WTC premises with the bikini in hand after the close of festivities.

Monstrous Fetish Exposed!

The Monster examines the business end of Pumbaa

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In latest developments, the sordid soft-toy fetishes of the Monster have finally been exposed to the unsuspecting general public. Secret footage captured shows the Monster examining the rear-end of Pumbaa prior to what an eye-witness called "an orgy that would have been decadent even by Roman standards."

When contacted for his views, Kahuna said "There's more where that came from." The monster, however, was not available for comment.

Kahuna’s Voyeur Fetish Revealed!

KOTMALE, Sri Lanka -- The Kotmale Nature Photographers Association (KNPA) recently released a gruesome capture of the Kahuna that was incidentally taken during his recent expedition to the cattle fields of Kotmale. This visit was initially assumed to aid in validating the consensual aspect of bestiality by means of experimentation on cows, however from recent photographic findings it is evident that the so called Big Kahuna had a hidden agenda of his own. Click here for previous articles...

Sources also tell us that The Jerry Springer's show is to feature “Kahuna” on their next episode for they aim to “boldly go where no show has gone before”, Click here for more details...

NTSB Hearing Ends in Chaos

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The NTSB hearing into the Vandoofus Airlines crash ended in disarray today amidst serious allegations including:

1. Attempted Boeing 747 landings on aircraft carriers
   
2. Mysterious accidents on the Interstate
   
3. Schizophrenia and flying while intoxicated
   
4. Erectile dysfunction and a Viagra-induced orgy in the cockpit leading to mistaken flight controls (the stick in particular) at the time of the crash
   
5. Use of kitchen implements (a butter knife) for engine repairs (crankshaft replacement)
   
6. Use of a wooden foot ruler as a splint to keep the main wing stabilized
   
7. Forming dummy companies to evade tax, and
   
8. Attempting to obtain a Tupolev TU-144 through non-standard means.

The Pilot was also accused of attempting to sleep around with members of the NTSB investigation panel, and has been declared a land, air and maritime hazard and permanently grounded.

Allied Pilots Association Defends Vandoofus Airlines’ Pilot

Fort Worth, TX – An Allied Pilots Association press release reported that the association believes the Vandoofus Airlines crash was caused by a faulty navigation system and a defective main wing. The association also commended the pilot for doing an excellent job under the circumstances. The pilot’s maneuvers, the press release added, minimized the damage to the aircraft and prevented any casualty on the ground. Meanwhile, a spokesmen for Vandoofus Airlines said the company is disappointed with the out come of its first ever flight but said they are happy the incident did not cause any injuries to the pilot or anyone on the ground. The aircraft has already been repaired by the Vandoofus Engineers and is almost flight-ready. The aircraft’s crank shaft and the propeller was replaced and the engineers are awaiting a new main wing. The spokesmen said the airline is expected to resume schedule flights this week and is negotiating with NTSB officials to lift the flight ban on Vandoofus Airlines. The NTSB is expected to lift the restriction on Vandoofus Airlines once the aircraft is fitted with NTSB approved components. The pilot, who is on vacation in Gastonia, North Carolina, is expected to carry out the first test flight after the only aircraft of the Vandoofus Airline fleet has been repaired.

NTSB Grounds Vandoofus Airlines

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) grounded Vandoofus Airlines and launched an immediate investigation into the crash of its sole aircraft, Tuesday. Critics ridiculed this action stating that they were grounded without their only aircraft, anyway.

A spokesman for the NTSB Northeast Regional Office in Parsippany said that initial reports suggest that the aircraft was operating outside its performance envelope given the nature of the structural damage to the main wing. Stay tuned for this developing story.

Vandoofus Airlines Crash on First Flight

Damaged aircraft is expected to be repaired and flight-ready in days.

Skylark Airport, CT - Vandoofus Airlines which started service today crashed on its maiden flight. (Also on it’s second and third flights) The final, and the most successful flight was almost 10 seconds long and the aircraft is believed to have reached speeds up to 50 mph during the ill-fated final flight. The aircraft also reached an altitude of about 100 feet before the pilot declared emergency after loosing control of the aircraft. The black box which was later recovered at the crash site indicated the pilot cut off the power in mid-flight to avoid the aircraft from crashing to a building next to the airfield. The sudden loss of thrust resulting from this maneuver is attributed to the severe damage main wing of the aircraft received which ultimately caused the aircraft to free-fall to the muddy surrounding of the airfield. Reports from the airfield indicate that there were no injuries and the pilot was rescued from the crash site immediately after the crash. Spokesperson for vandoofus Airlines said the aircraft will be repaired and ready for test flights as early as this weekend.

El Gordo in Plumbing Disaster, Bungles Spy Mission

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a strongly-worded statement issued yesterday, Kahuna denied allegations of being involved in the moonshine business and accused the False Prophet aka El Gordo of industrial espionage. El Gordo infiltrated the premises on Sunday disguised as an agricultural expert and asked to see Kahuna's high-tech greenhouse complex. The greenhouses were between harvest cycles at the time and hence devoid of vegetation for good reason.

The agriculturist seemed unduly interested in the sophisticated array of level-triggered switches and pumps used in the complex. Suspicions were raised, however, when it transpired that the so-called expert was ignorant of the fertilization methods of tomatoes and bell peppers. The guard-dogs were released immediately to deal with the situation, but the impostors legged it and escaped before Kahuna could scramble the flying attack-porcupines. No mosquitoes, were involved in the attack although, a passing swarm expressed brief interest in the portly one.

Subsequent investigations have revealed the rationale behind the espionage mission. It has come to light that El Gordo had burned out his water pump as the water level of his well had dropped below the pump intake. Hence the interest in Kahuna's sophisticated technology including, but not limited to mercury-weighted float-switches and sprinkler systems of Israeli origin.

Kahuna promised swift retaliation, noting that the impostor's vehicle had been duly marked by His guard dogs and could now be targeted by His advanced ballistic missile system.