NTSB Hearing Ends in Chaos

PARSIPPANY, New Jersey -- The NTSB hearing into the Vandoofus Airlines crash ended in disarray today amidst serious allegations including:

1. Attempted Boeing 747 landings on aircraft carriers
   
2. Mysterious accidents on the Interstate
   
3. Schizophrenia and flying while intoxicated
   
4. Erectile dysfunction and a Viagra-induced orgy in the cockpit leading to mistaken flight controls (the stick in particular) at the time of the crash
   
5. Use of kitchen implements (a butter knife) for engine repairs (crankshaft replacement)
   
6. Use of a wooden foot ruler as a splint to keep the main wing stabilized
   
7. Forming dummy companies to evade tax, and
   
8. Attempting to obtain a Tupolev TU-144 through non-standard means.

The Pilot was also accused of attempting to sleep around with members of the NTSB investigation panel, and has been declared a land, air and maritime hazard and permanently grounded.