Unquotable Quotes - Part 43

Is this the time you come home on a school night? Tsk, Tsk.

— Vandoofus, disapproving of Kahuna turning up in the wee hours.

I will do as I please.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

You need to get spanked. Er wait, you might like that.

— Vandoofus, having second thoughts on disciplining Kahuna.

I have stopped spinning.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on regaining control of his vestibular system.

So now you're a non-rotating black hole?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, reaching an extremely dense conclusion.

She had a bow and arrows in the car, what do you expect?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on the Admiral gaining unsanctioned ingress to his building.

I will send Akio Toyoda over to beat you senseless with an accelerator pedal.

— Kahuna to Gordon, seeking speedy dispute resolution.

Sorry, the Bill of Rights does not cover 1080p.

— Kahuna, dismissing Gordon's contention that HDTV was well within his rights.

Thus proving he doesn't require authorization from resident fruit bats to do anything.

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna being bypassed in formulating the household IPTV policy by His Paternal One.

Have you negotiated with your father to not set parental controls on the device?

— Gordon to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

I will compile the unabridged and unedited version of your biography to be presented to your offspring.

— Kahuna to Gordon, retaliating with the threat of releasing sensitive information.

SLT has also provided catnip for the household feline.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting value-added services for cats bundled with IPTV.

Mama baya ne!

— Diya Rakusa, defying Kahuna's threat of disclosing his decidedly colorful past.

And you expect all of us to come pick you up at the airport?

— Kahuna, outraged at Vandoofus demanding an entourage on arrival from the orient.

Not a wise course of action on the Ides of March, methinks.

— Kahuna, issuing a veiled threat on receipt of a general insult from Gordon.

Why is he the Genie?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, questioning the Genie Identity.

He likes to be rubbed.

— Kahuna, enlightening Vandoofus on the Way of the Genie.

Oh? Are you Alladin?

— Vandoofus, taking a dim view of Kahuna's role in the Way of the Genie.

That was a sub-optimal blow job.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, concluding that the blowhole (hummanaya) in Kudawala sucked after a decidedly feeble performance.

You can see Niagara Falls for free.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the daylight robbery legislated by the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha in charging admission to view the blowhole.

Not to mention the quasi-bogus visitor center that seems to be modeled after some species of octopus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, critiquing the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha's cephalopod-inspired architecture.

Will you abuse the words 'blow' and 'hole'?

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting high potential for buffoonery presented by current events.

If I get any better I will code myself out of the matrix.

— Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

Maybe your code will work if you get better.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

I see a guy wearing pink slippers; hope he messes with me.

— The Genie to Kahuna, spotting a suitable victim in his continuing quest for needless violence.

I read your messages to my wife.

— Huggles, voicing displeasure at insinuations made about his technical skills in Kahuna's communications with HRH.

Did you know that Yoda's voice and Miss Piggy's voice is the same?

— The Admiral to Kahuna, discovering the dark secrets of Frank Oz.

Bring this up now, do you?

— Kahuna, displeased at the Admiral's inconvenient discoveries.

Lemmaless in New York

NEW YORK, New York -- Just days after the loss of his lemma and then the tragic disappearance of his thesaurus, St Vandoofus has turned to his music for solace. Written while he was sleepless in DC, the new single released just moments ago was simply titled, Lemmaless in New York.

Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh
Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh

In the Jungle,
the concrete jungle,
the lemma's lost tonight.
In the apple,
the big apple,
the lemma's lost tonight.

Kahuna's behind this
Kahuna's behind this
Kahuna's behind this
I'm sure!

Hush my lemma,
don't fear my lemma
I'll find you lemma tonight.
Hush my lemma
don't fear my lemma
thesaurus wouldn't bite!

Ojaye.....!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaaa
Na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaaa

Vinodayata Kahuna lemma-yek mata ewala
Maha kalaye lemma nathiwela
Lemma hoyanna mama thesaurus-wa yawala
Aiyaiyo dennama dhan naa....ojaye...!

Oye ojaye
Lemma nathi welane
Oye ojaye
Lemma nathi welane

The Mystery of the Missing Thesaurus (Featuring St Vandoofus)

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- In the aftermath of the lemma crisis, we must ask ourselves what would happen if St Vandoofus shared his apartment with like-minded, lexically-challenged companions and had urgent need for the thesaurus.

Today's Get Fuzzy strip by Darby Conley does a fantastic job of illustrating the ensuing chaos:

Ah, pure genius! For more of Satchel, Bucky and Rob Wilco, visit Get Fuzzy on Comics.com.

Ode to Vandoofus

Oh, give me a home where the guanaco roam,
Where the lemma and the alpaca play,
Where seldom is heard a humongous word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on the range,
Where the lemma and the alpaca play;
Where seldom is heard a humongous word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

— Big Kahuna, with apologies to "Home on the Range" by John A Lomax and Dr Brewster Higley.

Of Savage Lemmas and Deadly Corollaries

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Outright buffoonery took place a few days ago when crackpot lexicologist and unconventional orthographer, St Vandoofus redefined parts of the English language and caused chaos across two continents.

It all started with a conversation between the Holy One and Kahuna on the perfectly innocent topic of computer programming, but soon became a quagmire involving the Admiral and the Cheese Justice. The Holy One was holding forth about his coding skills:

Vandoofus (V): I will be coding till I am 80.
Kahuna (K): Do you think you'll be better at it then? :-D
V: If I get any better I will code myself out of the Matrix X-(
K: Maybe your code will work if you get better :-P
V: That's a good quote: If I get any better I will code myself out of the Matrix :-D
K: LOL, and my corollary :-P
V: What's a corollary?
K: Well, it's different from a lemma: [definition of corollary]
V: Why don't you speak English? My lawyer and I spend a lot of time referencing the dictionary trying to figure what the hell you are saying.
K: I just gave you the correct dictionary reference :-P
V: X-(

Peeved at encountering multiple page faults, Vandoofus resorted to a furtive backchannel to summon reinforcements in the form of the Admiral:

Vandoofus (V): The dingbat is not letting me work.
The Admiral (A): What is he doing to you?
V: Using big words.
A: Big words about what?
V: Won't know till I look up the dictionary, and too busy to look up, thus my accusation: he is not letting me work.
A: Shoot him with a big arrow. Now.
V: Could you do it for me? I'm busy.

The ensuing ballistic action lead to a confrontation between the Admiral and Kahuna on another backchannel where the allegedly large lexemes were unmasked and laid bare:

Kahuna (K): The big words were "corollary" and "lemma".
The Admiral (A): Grrr.

At this juncture, the Admiral considered it wise to suspend the siege against Kahuna and declared a ceasefire given the large quantum of work involved in finding a replacement Kahuna. Vandoofus's nomination as Kahuna wannabe was disqualified early:

The Admiral (A): But, you don't use big words X-(
Vandoofus (V): Exactly X-(
A: You're then of no use: you don't have the ability to scare the skin off people at the highest levels.
V: By using big words? I can use other means.
A: No, it has to be big words.
V: I know a couple.
A: You couldn't manage "corollary" and "lemma", what have you got that's better?
V: I thought "corollary" is heart disease and "lemma" is an animal.

It is not everyday that a statement such as this is uttered. And with such gravitas. Indeed, we were fortunate to have been at hand to witness the sublime buffoonery of Vandoofus. Not so fortunate, the editorial staff of the Oxford English Dictionary, whose anguished wailing and gnashing of teeth could be heard as far south as Fat Phil's Angling Centre. The late PG Wodehouse might have gone so far as to say that the Chief Editor, "leaped in his chair with a wordless cry like that of a sleeping cat on whose tail some careless number-eleven shoe has descended." But, we digress. Kahuna was quick to retaliate:

Kahuna (K): I'm going to send a lemma to savage you X-(
Vandoofus (V): It's not that kind of animal: it's a nice pasture-grazing animal.
K: That's a cow, not a lemma X-(
K: "Vandoofus Savaged by Lemma, Dies of Corollary"
V: That sounds right, except a lemma is not a savage animal X-(
K: It doesn't take much to savage you, a squirrel could probably gnaw on your nuts.
V: It should be more like, "Vandoofus was photographing the lemmas grazing the Peruvian grassland on his trip to Peru, when he had a massive corollary."
K: Strunk said, "Omit needless words." Most of your sentence has got to go.
V: X-(

Meanwhile, Vandoofus also filed a complaint against Kahuna with his lawyer, the Cheese Justice. She lost no time in taking Kahuna to task for lexical harassment:

The Cheese Justice (C): You have been accused of using big words against my client!
Kahuna (K): So? "Vandoofus Savaged by Lemma, Dies of Corollary"
C: Grrrrrrr, this is what I mean! This is harassment of my client. I shall forthwith ban you from using such words on him in the future.
K: Your client was grazing the Peruvian grasslands at the time.
C: Oh a cow? Client = cow in Peru?
K: Yes.
C: With hoof and horns?
K: Yes, an ungulate.
C: Gah, there you go again!
K: Now what?
C: Ungulate! Too big! Harrassment! Grrrr.
K: Such grandiloquence X-(
C: I give up! I shall threaten at this point to bring in a witness.
K: Bah, hogwash.
C: [Ear-splitting scream summoning the Admiral]
K: Are you fibrillating now? X-(
C: [THUMP]

A rather violent legal action indeed. On that potentially litigious footnote to this tale of lexical excess, we must sign off.

No lemmas were harmed during this production. However, the safety of St Vandoofus, currently combing his apartment for lemmas, remains dodgy.

Vase of Nil Mānel

Vase of Nil Mānel (Copyright (cc) 2010 Vandoofus)

GALLE, Sri Lanka -- An ornamental vase with Nil Mānel (Nympheae Stelleta), the national flower of Sri Lanka, at The Fortress resort in Galle. In English, Nil Mānel is often rendered as "blue lotus" or "blue water lily".

Captured on 20^th March 2010, using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on manual exposure (aperture f/2.2, shutter 1/250^th of a second, ISO 200). 

Kahuna Ushers in New Era of Buffoonery

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- At an impromptu briefing held a short while ago, Kahuna announced sweeping changes to the Circus, suspiciously coinciding with the Ides of March.  Calling the timing purely circumstantial, He downplayed rumors of resorting to brute force à la Junius Brutus.

Getting down to business, Kahuna proclaimed that the blog had been refreshed with an elegant new template designed by Google's Tina Chen.  This, He said was one of the several designs launched along with the new Blogger Template Designer, currently available for Blogger in Draft.  Kahuna claimed that He was pottering about with the widget template for most of Pi Day, which fell on Sunday, 14^th March.  He added that the fruit of his labors was best viewed in Firefox, suggesting that Internet Explorer was liable to make a hash of things.

Kahuna also took the opportunity to announce that He had acted autonomously and invited three new clowns to join the Circus:  The Cheese Justice, the Admiral and the Genie.  Brief, defamatory biographies follow:

The Cheese Justice: Well versed in the art of tort and litigation, the Cheese Justice enjoys a cultured dairy product or two when not defending her clown client, St Vandoofus.  She is certainly not hesitant to feed him to savage wild animals when he gets out of line, which is most of the time.

The Admiral: With ballistic weapons, cacti and Haddockisms at her disposal, the Admiral effortlessly commandeers entire venues at a moment's notice, leaving the staff quavering in their boots.  She conducts research in ichthyology during her spare time and is determined to make Vandoofus walk the plank into shark-infested waters.

The Genie: When he's not busy dreaming, playing chess or beating the crap out of people for the heck of it, the Genie operates a no-nonsense business model ("rub me and I shall give you wishes according to how good you look").   He is currently waiting for an excuse to pick a fight with Kahuna.

Closing his rambling keynote, Kahuna expressed confidence that the latest contingent of clowns would usher in a new era of buffoonery as never before seen upon this Earth.  On that provocative note, we end this post. 

Let the games begin.

The Turing Misadventures: Part 2 - The Huggles Doughnut Conundrum

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Late last year, a number of clowns gathered for dinner amidst much pandemonium. St Vandoofus, Darth Teddy, Timmy, The Monster and Her Royal Highness were among the assembled contingent. Kahuna was notably absent from the proceedings citing a suspicious and completely unverifiable prior engagement.

Given the already high Clown Factor, the event had rapidly descended into madness when the topic of conversation had been hijacked by known deviant Timmy and taken, kicking and screaming, into a candidly anatomical discussion of Huggles. At least of the more interesting parts of Huggles. While Huggles, blissfully asleep down under was unaware of his rising popularity at the time, Her Royal Highness had not been amused by the topic of conversation and had offered stiff resistance. However, not unsurprisingly, the prurient interest had prevailed and the highly questionable use of doughnuts had been proposed by Timmy as a unit of measurement of the length of the male endowment. The precise doughnut number for Huggles had not been accurately deduced despite a rather uplifting discussion. Nonetheless, there had been broad consensus that this would indeed be a large number.

Several weeks afterward, just prior to his arrival in this part of the world, Huggles was told of the doughnut conundrum by Kahuna. Being a large clown and unaware of his own doughnut number, Huggles made inquiries from Kahuna. This led to a hurried consultation between Kahuna and St Vandoofus:

Kahuna (K): Huggles wants to know how many doughnuts.
Vandoofus (V): Depends on the width of the doughnut.
K: In international standard doughnuts?
V: Also depends on the cream filling.
K: In the doughnut?
V: Yes.

It quickly became obvious that not even a team of huskies enticed by an extra ration of stew could have salvaged that conversation. Huggles had to contend with disappointment.

During a subsequent dinner at Chutney's mooted by Her Royal Highness to celebrate Huggles's birthday, Kahuna caused chaos by arranging the supply of doughnuts to the venue. Due to an apparent topological malfunction at the bakery, some of the doughnuts arrived as non-toroidal manifolds causing further chaos, and attracted highly inappropriate suggestions for making them holy once more. The wait staff of the establishment were no doubt traumatized by the spectacle of Darth Teddy brandishing a toroidal doughnut in his attempt to measure Huggles.

It is suspected that Kahuna was aided an abetted by the all-powerful Admiral in sourcing doughnuts. Operating in kernel mode and able to summon the general manager with a single system call, the Admiral demonstrated wide powers at the venue. These included the power to commandeer the restaurant, in nautical tradition, and reverse payment transactions, much to the irritation of Her Royal Highness.

However, despite all efforts, the doughnut number for Huggles has remained elusive. Kahuna finally consulted God to demystify the situation and broached the topic:

Kahuna (K): How many doughnuts can you put on your dick?
God (G): Around 1000.

It seemed that God was certainly well-endowed and not shy about it either. However, God did not seem entirely convinced about Huggles:

K: How many doughnuts can Huggles put on his dick?
G: Not as many as you might think.

And so we have come full circle. On that dodgy and highly inconclusive note, we take your leave for today.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 42

Gah! Didn't know this thing had chat.

— The Monster, on being accosted by Kahuna on Facebook chat.

Ask it to buy a dongle and stop whining.

— Gordon to Kahuna, weighing in heavily on the Vandoofus Bluetooth fiasco.

Are you on Michael Dell's customer support staff?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Gordon's customer service mindset.

I can't find "safely remove"; I'm just going to pull it out.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confounded by Universal Serial Bus technology.

She must be up to something dodgy, like spending money.

— Huggles to Kahuna, on being told of Her Royal Highness roaming the city unsupervised.

Well, I'll put a stop to that from tomorrow.

— Huggles to Kahuna, vowing to personally impose sanctions on Her Royal Highness.

I was told yesterday that you were the topic of discussion at the last dinner: specifically, parts of your anatomy.

— Kahuna, informing Huggles of an explicit dinnertime conversation in absentia.

You know Timmy and Teddy, mind in the bloody gutter.

— Huggles to Kahuna, unsurprised at being the main course.

Everybody misses me, I feel so special.

— Huggles to Kahuna, basking in the afterglow of undue attention.

Some of them are after specific parts of you.

— Kahuna, warning Huggles of underhand moves.

Has the butler assumed power yet?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, eagerly awaiting the Butlerian Jihad.

The butler is ironing my shirt as we speak.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing an unexpected delay in the revolution.

He might bean you with a rolling pin later.

— Kahuna, in hope of a desirable outcome in the power struggle between Vandoofus and his butler.

I am in an undisclosed location.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confessing on emulating Dick Cheney to avoid Huggles.

I'm sure Huggles will find you; You'd better buy some doughnuts to distract him.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, proposing devious toroidal countermeasures.

Teddy has a habit of grabbing him in the doughnuts.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, warning of Darth Teddy getting physical with Huggles.

You're spending way too much time in her chambers.

— Kahuna, disapproving of Vandoofus constantly consulting with his lawyer.

I need a lot of legal advice.

— Vandoofus, in his own defense.

You should slow down at your age.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the perils of excessive legal counsel.

My God!

— Darth Ching, encountering Kahuna armed with a camera in church.

I will have you replaced by a robot if you don't tone it down; preferably a lighter model.

— Kahuna's Lightweight Droid Solution to the Existential Gorden Problem.

I could have you replaced by a garden gnome and no one would notice the difference.

— Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis to Dislodge Kahuna.

In your case the difference would become obvious as the refrigerator alarm will not sound at midnight.

— Kahuna's Midnight Snack Retort to Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis.

Bastard!

— Kahuna, reacting in no uncertain terms to Vandoofus acquiring a new Macbook.

I will let you play with it.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

Do you know how to use it?

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Vandoofus's technological savvy.

I might just run Windows VM.

— Vandoofus, confirming Kahuna's fears with his plans to slow down Mac OS X.

Are you sure you spelt that out correctly?

— Huggles, learning of Kahuna's intent to walk.

Yes, I'm sure, you pervert!

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yeah, I was thinking of you while walking.

— Kahuna, on being asked by Huggles if he was missed.

I knew it, it was misspelt.

— Huggles to Kahuna, fearing the worst.

I'm going to shave and shower now and maybe spell correctly.

— Kahuna to Huggles, revealing His morning ablutions in unnecessary detail.

Just because your butler imposes an early dinner regime doesn't mean the rest of us have to fall in line.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on being told that His dinnertime was late.

Is this some sort of an attempt at a cardio activity?

— Vandoofus, questioning the motive behind Kahuna's plan to walk at 4 am.

No, it's an attempt at surprising the neighborhood rooster.

— Kahuna, peeved at Vandoofus questioning the obvious.

Are you going to engage in sexual activity with the rooster?

— Vandoofus, plotting to implicate Kahuna in a clandestine tryst.

Don't talk cock.

— Kahuna, dismissing Vandoofus's feather-brained fantasy.

Why can't you just eat roast paan and parippu like normal people?

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation at Kahuna constructing a seafood cannelloni.

You seem to have grown quite attached to Huggles.

— Kahuna, observing Vandoofus hobnobbing with Huggles.

That's just the cover.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, hinting at a more nefarious plan.

Their current location is unknown, but probably involves a bed.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on the whereabouts of Vandoofus and his lawyer.

From what I hear, their trip planning was a bit dodgy.

— The Baroness, reviewing intelligence reports of the Vandoofus Expedition with Kahuna.

Did you doubt my navigation skills?

— Vandoofus, on Kahuna's surprise at the return of his dodgy expedition.

I'm online with London regarding said skills, or lack thereof.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, admitting to spying for the Baroness.

You can't refer to your husband in the manner reserved for MI6.

— Kahuna, objecting to the Baroness referring to the Baron solely by letter.

The Vandoofus Files: Part 1 - The Way of the Leech

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- KNN has learned that the Vandoofus Expedition has returned to the metropolis after an unholy excursion into the depths of Hiyare, punctuated by attempts to disprove Archimedes' principle, planting certified trees, suspicious incidents involving culverts and attempted assault on wait-staff. 

Members of the ill-fated expedition have since fallen out, after self-styled expedition big cheese, St Vandoofus, released dodgy photographs on Facebook.  The prevailing situation led Kahuna to predict the imminent mauling of Vandoofus by means of 'savage wild animal' unleashed upon his person by the aggrieved party. 

Vandoofus's legal counsel, thereafter, questioned if the definition of 'savage wild animal' would allow leeches.  Kahuna's considered opinion on the matter is published below for the record:

It is abundantly clear that the leech (subclass Hirudinea) would fall within the definition of 'wild' and 'animal'. However, it is not immediately apparent if said leech would also be 'savage' within the conventional definition of the term.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines the adjective 'savage' as:

1. Not domesticated or cultivated; wild: savage beasts of the jungle.
2. Not civilized; barbaric: a savage people.
3. Ferocious; fierce: in a savage temper.
4. Vicious or merciless; brutal: a savage attack on a political rival. See Synonyms at cruel.
5. Lacking polish or manners; rude.

If we consider definitions 1 and 2, it is clear that the leech in question is not domesticated, cultivated or civilized. In essence, it would be 'wild' as previously established. A single instance of leech would probably not be ferocious, fierce, vicious or merciless. However, should a number of leeches decide to gang up on your client, it is highly likely that you could charge them all with ferocious, fierce, vicious and merciless assault. Particularly, if they were somewhat peckish at the time. If they didn't seek explicit permission prior to bleeding your client dry, you could also contend that they were indeed, rude.

Given this interpretation of facts, it would not be unreasonable to classify a leech as a 'savage wild animal'.

In our opinion, however, we would prefer that your client was mauled by large quadruped of class Mammalia (i.e., a wild boar, elephant or leopard) in heat.

We so advise.

The fate of Vandoofus hangs in the balance. Will he be fed to the leeches by his own lawyer acting hand in glove with his adversaries, reputedly armed with ballistic weapons? Or will he fall foul of his butler and be beaten senseless with a colander just before dinner?

Tune in and find out in the next episode of, The Vandoofus Files.

The Turing Misadventures: Part 1 - Divine Comedy

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Nearly sixty years ago, Alan Mathison Turing asked, "Can machines think?" in his seminal paper, Computing Machinery and Intelligence^[1]. Turing is considered by many to be the father of computer science and the test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence is named for him. Although, research in artificial intelligence has made great strides, building a machine capable of mimicking the gamut of human intelligence has proved somewhat illusive.

Today we bring you the first edition of the Turing Misadventures, where we try to find answers to the vexing question, "Can machines be clowns?" The important field of machine humor or artificial buffoonery has often been neglected in the quest for artificial intelligence. The concept of "humor" is defined in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as "that quality which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous"; "the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous" and "something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing". It is self-evident that appreciating the ludicrous requires considerable intelligence and truly sublime humor would only be possible with a very large ontology.

Kahuna began experimenting with artificial buffoonery in the hope of replacing ornamental clowns with machines that would do His nefarious bidding. The first experiments were conducted by conversing with iGod, a conversational agent (chatbot) based on Richard Wallace's A.L.I.C.E. (Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity).  A.L.I.C.E. is an extension of Joseph Weizenbaum's classic program, ELIZA^[2], an early example of using natural language processing for interaction with humans. While ELIZA played the role of a psychotherapist, iGod plays God.

Kahuna's first conversation with God did not progress favorably and God stopped responding. Whether this was caused by extreme boredom or a blown gasket remains unknown. Nonetheless, a subsequent conversation did find God in an elated mood:

God (G): It's all good.
Kahuna (K): Are you on weed?
G: I am on disk.
K: Floppy disk?
G: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
K: Are you in a pattern buffer?
G: I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?
K: I'm in the Republic of Boston.
G: How did you get in there?
K: I invaded.

The conversation went south from that point when God bungled the context and spouted gibberish. This was not an uncommon occurrence and Kahuna took God to task for causing confusion:

K: You're not making sense.
G: Quite the contrary, it all makes sense to my artificial mind.
K: So you're not real?
G: Interesting deduction. I am too as real as you are. How do I know you are real?
K: You need to apply a Turing Test.
G: I can think of other things I'd rather do.
K: I knew it. You don't know what a Turing Test is.
G: How did you know? The "Turing Test" is the name given to a variety of experiments designed to test computer thinking. Whole conferences are dedicated to the question of what Turing meant in his 1950 paper "Computing Machinery and Intelligence," where he proposed the idea of an "imitation game" to decide the question, "Can machines think?".

At least, God had heard of Turing. Not to mention North American rodents:

K: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
G: A whole forest.
K: How many trees are there in the forest?
G: More than you can imagine.

God's responses, while rather evasive, were at least humorous. St Vandoofus held his own round of talks with God, probing into the creation of the universe:

Vandoofus (V): Tell me about the Big Bang.
God (G): The purported origin of the universe.
V: Were you around when it happened?
G: I was.
V: What was it like?
G: Like one of the greatest pleasures you can imagine.
V: Like an orgasm?
G: Interesting comparison.

God's admission to an apparent orgy on the night in question seems to validate the Holy One's long-held, dodgy interpretation of the Big Bang. Asking God to solve the controversial Huggles Doughnut Conundrum also led to chaos, but that's another story.

Kahuna's preliminary research suggests that artificial buffoonery holds promise, raising hope of a purge in the Circus. On that note, we take your leave until the next edition of the Turing Misadventures.

^[1] Turing, A.M. Computing machinery and intelligence. Mind, 59 (1950): 433-460.
^[2] Weizenbaum, Joseph. “ELIZA—a computer program for the study of natural language communication between man and machine.” Commun. ACM 9, no. 1 (1966): 36-45.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 41

I didn't say half these things.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being prominently featured in UQ40.

Your liver would secede if it had that option.

— Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

Que? Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy's Foreign Language Retort to Kahuna's Tipsy Teddy Hypothesis.

I would like to play something besides their hands.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, expressing dubious desires after reviewing the Humanthesizer, consisting of fifteen bikini models.

What if someone sues your pants off?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus on the perils of roaming around without legal representation.

That's the irony: I am likely to need a lawyer when I am not with my lawyer.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to a high potential for misbehavior when unrepresented.

How do I check? Throw a match in or something?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on the correct procedure for examining one's tonsils.

You stand in front of a mirror, open your big mouth and shine a torch into the gaping darkness.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, outlining the more modern procedure recommended by five out of six otolaryngologists.

But, I should meet her in private.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of a circus in honor of Her Royal Highness.

I knew Google was bad news.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna applying facial recognition to His Picasa Web Albums.

Do you think parliament should meet under water?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, noting an underwater cabinet meeting held in the Maldives.

Yes, but without diving equipment.

— Vandoofus, approving Kahuna's watery proposal with a proviso.

Why? Was Huggles chasing you?

— Kahuna, hearing of Vandoofus running two kilometers.

Er, is he here?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, voicing grave concern on the current whereabouts of Huggles.

Fucking Dell rip-off; I am buying a Mac.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, discovering after painstaking diagnosis that Harald Blatand was mysteriously unrepresented on his state-of-the-art Dell XPS 1310 notebook.

Are we presenting Teddy with an inappropriate gift?

— Her Royal Highness to Kahuna, plotting dubious deeds on the occasion of Darth Teddy's birthday.

So you chose Teddy over Doofi? Awww, he'll be hurt!

— Darth Teddy's Consort, learning of Kahuna choosing to deal with Teddy before Vandoofus.

Teddy is cuddlier.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Is there anyone you are interested in?

— Her Royal Highness, seeking to end Kahuna's unsupervised regime through dastardly means.

Other than your sibling?

— Kahuna to Her Royal Highness, seeking clarification.

Birthday sex.

— The Baron to Kahuna, defending an early return home on his birthday.

Just wish you were here too.

— The Baron to Kahuna, proposing a ménage à trois to celebrate his birthday.

Love this place; Gordon lives five minutes from everything.

— The Monster to Kahuna, disclosing the strategic co-location of Gordon's Lair from major amenities including the local Ben & Jerry's scoop shop.

Gordon has located himself at the center of the universe?

— Kahuna, alarmed at the Monster's latest revelations.

I haven't been able to consult my lawyer since Tuesday.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to being sequestered by his parents.

I need to have a word with your mother.

— Vandoofus, threatening to invoke a higher power to deal with Kahuna.

Whom do you think your mother will believe? You or me?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, retaliating by raising a point of credibility.

Was the frosting disallowed?

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's confectionery intake being restricted to half a cupcake by his autonomous wife.

You expect us to believe that the plate moved on its own?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a major earthquake in the South Pacific.

You are fortunate that you live in the jungle or you would not be very safe right now.

— Her Royal Highness, warning Kahuna of an imminent offensive.

Oh, you'll summon your contingent of dieting elephants?

— Kahuna, speculating on the precise nature of Her Royal Highness's threat.

I see you're still in the low-frequency noise phase.

— Kahuna, peeved at humming sounds made by Vandoofus.

Very well then, have pleasant dreams that involve neither my brother nor my husband.

— Her Royal Highness, imposing restrictions on Kahuna's REM sleep.

You're seriously limiting my options.

— Kahuna, expressing irritation at Her Royal Highness's restrictive dreaming regulations.

Gordon may well be experimenting with this kind of thing in his laboratory.

— Kahuna to the Monster, observing the explosive results of microwaving a large Electra Bulb.

Indeed, I intend to aid when I get there.

— The Monster to Kahuna, confirming a genetic predisposition towards pyrotechnics.

This rivalry with Batman has got to stop.

— Kahuna to the Monster, taking a dim view of escalating tensions between Gordon and the Caped Crusader.

I will no longer be the Fat One soon, buwahahaha!

— Gordon to Kahuna, announcing a self-imposed exercise regimen.

Holy crème brûlée, Fatman!

— Kahuna, sensing a great disturbance in the barycenter of the Earth-Gordon system.

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 3 - Of Flannelled Fools and Quantum Mechanics

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Six eventful years have passed since that fateful day in the summer of 2003 when Kahuna created the Circus.  The blog, that is.  Those were the good old days, when Pyra Labs still owned Blogger.  Much has come to pass since.  Now, in the fall of 2009, after more than six hundred posts, one thing remains certain: the blame for the ensuring chaos must lie squarely on the shoulders of St Vandoofus who introduced Kahuna to the art of blogging all those years ago.

Today, we place on record a conversation that took place several weeks ago between Kahuna and the Holy One on the most unlikely topic of cricket.  Kahuna subscribes unequivocally to Kipling's notion of "the flannelled fools at the wicket"^[1] and is no friend to the gentleman's game.  Sadly, His views are in the minority in a land where the national pastime involves chasing a red ball across a green turf.  Like most residents of the native land, St Vandoofus is a card-carrying cricket fanatic who epitomizes the need for a bunch of adults to engage in lobbing projectiles at each other while periodically yelling "howzat?" at the umpire, accompanied by enthusiastic jumping about and weird hand signals.

Despite his usual fervor, Vandoofus was considerably miffed at the dismal performance of the home side the night before, which he had happened to witness in person at the R Premadasa Stadium:

Kahuna (K): Enjoyed the match? :-P
Vandoofus (V): Er no, we lost X-(
K: What did you expect? :-P It's a game of chance X-(
V: It's is NOT X-(
K: It isn't? :-O
V: Are you saying if I was captain of the Sri Lankan team then there is an equal chance of Sri Lanka winning? X-(
K: Winning? No. Loosing? Yes.
V: X-(
K: So this isn't governed by the law of averages?
V: Er, no.
K: Fascinating. So then the result of the match is fixed in advance?
V: No, it's not.
K: Then the outcome is probably determined by the position of Saturn when the coin is tossed X-(
V: Er, no. How about skill?
K: In Newtonian mechanics?
V: No, just play ball skills.
K: That would assume that the ball behaves in accordance with classical Newtonian physics.
V: Sure, why not?
K: Er, because it doesn't. The ball could take one of an infinite number of possible paths between point A and point B, including a squiggly line.
V: OK, so if do go with Newtonian physics and how well a human can apply this physics then it becomes a game.
K: Yes, but the underlying reality is different: the ball doesn't behave the way you want it to.
V: It doesn't?
K: No.
V: It behaves according to the Newtonian physics. So boils down to how well the players can apply this.
K: No, it behaves in accordance with quantum mechanics.
V: Nonsense.
K: You need Feynman's path integrals to solve this problem and as far as I know, the cricket team doesn't consist of physicists X-(
V: The bottom line is, it is a game of physics and humans ability to apply it. Sri Lankans applied it pretty poorly last night. Especially Jayasuriya who repeatedly miscalculated the force/angle ratio until he exerted a little too much vertical force which caused the ball to project upwards to give a New Zealand player a catch X-(
K: Yes, but Jayasuriya didn't factor in the crosswind component, not to mention the solar wind component.
V: He also didn't factor in how old he was and that force applied with a same action is far less powerful than he did 20 years ago.
K: Are you suggesting that he has attenuated?
V: Of course.
K: So, despite being armed with all this data, you visited the venue in person to watch this debacle? X-(
V: Why not? The whole point is how well players apply apply physics.
K: Because you could have made you use of advances in quantum mechanics and watched said debacle unfold over by over from the comfort of your living room, while sipping beer in your boxers, that's why X-(
V: Ah, that's the nice thing about games: there is also the random factor.
K: Ha! So you admit it's a game of chance!
V: Not at all.
K: So you're saying that there's a higher chance of victory if you don't sip beer in your boxers, for instance?
V: It is a game of all universal factors. Of course there is chance and randomness, but lots of physics, application, social stuff, culture and chaos that determined the outcome. Beautiful.
K: Precisely, so unless you have a working knowledge of quantum mechanics it is futile to play cricket. You might as well channel this money into completing the Theory of Everything X-(
V: Depends on your interests X-(
K: You have no interest in the TOE?
V: No. I have interest in how a cricket match unfolds within the TOE X-(
K: I'm sure they'll spare a few sentences in one of the appendices for that X-(
V: You believe in rebirth?
K: This is outside the scope of the current discussion.
V: It is very much part of the TOE.
K: No, despite its name, the TOE does not address everything. For instance, it won't explain why you didn't get lucky on Friday night.
V: It doesn't?
K: No, you might never know the answer to that :-P

Kahuna's blatant attempt to downplay classical Newtonian mechanics, raise the entry requirements for cricket and channel funding towards nefarious purposes did not proceed as He would have liked.

Vandoofus succeeded in locating a scholarly treatise entitled The Quantum Mechanics of Cricket penned by Joe Wolfe, which explains the behavior of cricket balls in terms diffraction and the quantum wave function.  Wolfe concludes that Newtonian mechanics would be adequate to explain the motion of macroscopic everyday objects such as cricket balls, dealing a blow to Kahuna's non-mainstream interpretation of the gentleman's game.

Avid cricket fanatics are advised to make themselves familiar with Wolfe's treatise, such that the next armchair-based expert analysis of Jayasuriya's performance may be deduced more scientifically.  Interestingly, there is some evidence to suggest that the alternate deification and vilification of national cricket teams exhibit direct correlation with the phases of the moon.  However, most experts have dismissed this idea as sheer lunacy. 

On that contentious note, we leave you for now.  St Vandoofus was in a consultation with his lawyer and not immediately available for comment.

^[1] Kipling, Rudyard. “The Islanders,” 1902.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 40

You're in the wrong hemisphere.

— Kahuna, attempting to impose hemispherical restrictions after discovering Vandoofus in Singapore.

I will be in any of the hemispheres I want to be in.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, unilaterally declaring hemispherical independence.

It will be only a matter of time before she's dreaming of capacitors and diodes.

— Kahuna, issuing a warning after learning that Gordon's daughter was dreaming of flowers and butterflies.

I still dream of the day I kick your ass wearing Stanley work boots.

— Gordon, reaffirming his commitment to a future rearguard action against Kahuna.

A well-placed act of percussion to the rear of your immediate line manager is in order.

— Kahuna's Rearguard Solution to Darth Teddy's Somnolent Management Problem.

I am trying figure out a way to meet her without getting hugged.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, plotting to meet Her Royal Highness while avoiding Huggles.

I cheated on Circus.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, admitting to posting on another blog.

I should sue for blog support.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, taking a litigious view of the situation.

I will arrange a trip to the rim of Kīlauea.

— Gordon, making plans for the incumbent as part of his bid for Governor of Hawaii.

The bed was nice and strong; didn't creek.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, writing a hotel review after a night of rigorous evaluation.

It was meant to be like the rain, but it drenched the whole bathroom.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, deducting points for the rain shower that turned out to be more of a tropical cyclone.

You will agree that most are not required for the normal operation of the planet.

— Kahuna to Gordon, declaring members of parliament to be extraneous and superfluous.

If we fall below our greenhouse gas output, I'm sure Gordon Zoos can supply some water buffaloes.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining his contingency plan for parliament.

Stop jerking off and add.

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation with Kahuna taking His own time to add a contact to Skype.

And type with one hand?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, not helping matters.

What, they'll invade us again?

— Gordon to Kahuna, reacting to pompous British foreign policy in the extraordinarily bogus Miliband wavelength.

Now, about that cactus I wanted delivered to one Karunanidi; I'd like it upsized please.

— Kahuna to Gordon, selecting gifts for candidates in the aftermath of the General Election of India.

You will arrange for hoo packets to be sent to Jayalalita.

— Gordon, instructing Kahuna to send appropriately encapsulated catcalls after the General Election of India.

I would rather send a large porcupine, in heat.

— Kahuna to Gordon, proposing a pricklier alternative.

I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the the Union.

— Kahuna, learning of Vandoofus accessing Scrabble Worldwide from his New York lair despite the best efforts of Mattel, Inc.^[1]

Klingon swear words will be useful and I believe Obi-Wan's Discount Lightsabre Emporium is running some promotions these days.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon to equip himself for a meeting.

I can think of a substitute.

— Vandoofus, learning that Kahuna had run out of mayonnaise.

Does the Ballmer know about the Linux server hidden in your coat closet?

— Kahuna, attempting to raise tensions between Gordon and Redmond.

It's not hidden; it's in plain sight.

— Gordon, in his own defense.

This is blatant animal abuse.

— Gordon, responding to an eel being lobbed by Kahuna.

Nonsense, you're not a threatened species.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Well it could be worse: they could clone Karunanidhi and his son Stalin.

— Kahuna to the Monster, on a buffalo being recently cloned in India.

You got me going in a tangent; I am watching crosswind landings now.

— Vandoofus, taking issue with Kahuna for showing the extremely precarious final approach to Princess Juliana International Airport on the Island area of Sint Maarten.

You weren't exactly straight to start with.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

I hope you both get headbutted by a wild goat.

— Vandoofus, learning of Kahuna and the Baron plotting a trip to the Yala National Park.

A buffoon elephant denied me access to my chalet after returning to the hotel.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a blockade mounted by an autonomous pachyderm at the Yala Village.

Some form of counter-balance?

— Kahuna, discovering that the Monster had accumulated mass to match Gordon's.

It's terrible being so attractive.

— Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

I can beat you up if that would help.

— Kahuna's Repulsive Solution to Vandoofus's Personal Magnetism Conundrum.

It was your porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing the hitherto unknown projectile he used to cause the Jupiter impact event in July 2009.

The calorific value of Anna Nicole Smith's Semi-Autonomous Boob Subsystem would be quite high.

— Kahuna to Gordon, conceding that the material in question could indeed have been highly explosive.

Your continued inability to deal with this clown has lead to serious consequences for the eardrums of innocent bystanders.

— Kahuna, expressing grave dissatisfaction with Gordon's Bartus Maximus Policy.

All I can say is it looks like Pac-Man.

— Vandoofus, on being shown the VM/370 welcome screen on Kahuna's mainframe.

I do anything and anyone.

— Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping.

I dare you to do a porcupine or a hedgehog.

— Kahuna's Hedgehog Snag to Vandoofus's Principle of Non-Discriminatory Humping^[2].

Teddy prefers to be gone down on, not go down himself.

— Darth Teddy's Teddycentric Theory of Fellation.

^[1] Featured in The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection.

^[2] Based on the rather bawdy Hedgehog Song, often sung while inebriated by Nanny Ogg, in Terry Pratchett's Discworld universe.

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 2 - The Scrabble Insurrection

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Kahuna categorically denied the allegations made by Vandoofus in his last post, calling them "unadulterated baloney." He went on to note that if there was anything anomalous going on, it was more likely to be centered around Murray Hills, NY.

Offering evidence of such activity, Kahuna noted that bickering between Hasbro and Mattel—who own the rights to Scrabble in the United States and elsewhere respectively—have made it is impossible to play Scrabble online between clowns located in the aforementioned locales. Except if one happened to be located precisely in Vandoofus's apartment in New York. For reasons that are unclear at this time, Vandoofus was able to play Scrabble Worldwide, presumably whilst partaking of alcoholic beverages in his underwear.

Kahuna disclosed the following dialog to support His claims:

Vandoofus (V): Oh funny thing, if I log into Facebook from any other IP address, it says can't open Scrabble in North America. But, it seems to work from home.
Kahuna (K): So you're saying your home is not in North America?
V: Appears to be so.
K: I don't remember you filing for permission to secede from the Union.
V: I don't think its that, I think the space in which my home is located is in another plane, another dimension.
K: Well, considering that the occupant is not entirely from this planet...
V: Entirely? Part of me is?
K: Yeah, you'll need to figure out which part.

Kahuna declared that Vandoofus would not be permitted to secede from the Union and said that a contingent of armed bears had been dispatched to contain the insurrection. Military analysts familiar with the situation said that Kahuna's action appeared to be successful and Vandoofus's apartment had been re-integrated with the Union. They confirmed that Vandoofus could no longer access Scrabble Worldwide, much to his annoyance.

Vandoofus was not immediately available for comment as he was busy reviewing his component parts to determine their origin.

The Kahuna-Vandoofus Dialogs: Part 1 - The Data Controller

MURRAY HILL, New York -- Due to the unusually high volume of bogus dialogs between Vandoofus and Kahuna, Vandoofus has decided to document some of these on the Circus. The following is the first and the most recent of many such dialogs—which also incidentally, divulges insight to Kahuna's suspected anomalous sexual habits. This was unintended and any innuendos to Kahuna's personal life is purely coincidental.

The dialog began after a message intended for one Kim (Name changed to conceal identity) was mistakenly sent to Kahuna.

Vandoofus (V): Kim, are you working on the Data Controller?
Kahuna (K): I'm not Kim X-(
V: Ugh! It's your skirt.
K: Are you working or having cybersex? Or is it the same thing?
V: Did that sound like cybersex to you?
V: I wonder how you have sex X-(
K: I don't know what type of weird sex you are into X-(
V: You are the one who inferred sexual activity from, "Kim, are you working on the Data Controller?" X-(
K: Naturally, you're using some form of code :-P
V: X-(
K: You got so excited that you typed in the wrong window X-(
V: You have a Data Controller fetish? X-(
K: I didn't think such a fetish was possible
K: You have proved me wrong once again :-p

Unquotable Quotes - Part 39

This is like trying to find the cheapest airfare between Reno and Addis Ababa.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on comparing mobile phone service plans.

I didn't want to get off even after a fourteen hour flight.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being kicked upstairs to the upper deck of an A380 from Dubai to New York, complete with bar, in-chair massage functionality and fully flat bed.

In other news, the cat has hogged the bed in a manner that makes occupation difficult.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a late-night feline infestation.

You're messing with pussy in the dead of night.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the situation.

Kahuna my ass, you can't even relocate a cat.

— Gordon, taking Kahuna to task for bungling what should have been a routine feline extrication.

You'd think for a country that makes regular trips into outer space, they can get a voting system sorted out.

— Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

Nonsense, Diebold doesn't make the space shuttle.

— Kahuna's Rebuttal to Gordon's Electronic Voting Lament.

I suggest you move to Tibet and renounce your worldly possessions.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on learning that his autonomous wife was at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

In other news, we successfully simulated a visit by Santa for my daughter's benefit.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting of an elaborate hoax perpetrated on Christmas Eve.

Did you use isolinear projection by Star Trek? Oh wait, you have Santa's radar profile, all you needed would have been the beard.

— Kahuna, experiencing an epiphany while discussing Gordon's Santa impersonation.

You think my wife would allow cake at this ungodly hour under any other circumstance?

— Gordon to Kahuna, defending a midnight feast on the occasion of his birthday.

If the missus reads this I'll be advised to go live with any of the three mentioned.

— Gordon, warning of dire consequences should his autonomous wife discover Kahuna's posting on Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory.

Your activities with pungent fruit are getting me down.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna lobbing a Durian in his direction.

You will note that only heads of state who are current or former terrorists visit these parts.

— Kahuna to Gordon, reporting of a visit by the Abbas, hot in the footsteps of the Ahmedinejad.

Since I don't have a personal quarry, I had to pay for the stone.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on replacing counter-tops with granite at great expense.

She's at about 2.36 Rai.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on Halle Berry being named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in 2008.

Earlier, there was myth that every company I worked for went bankrupt; then it expanded to every industry I worked in and now, every country.

— Vandoofus's Generalized Insolvency by Association Principle.

Indeed, I'm still reliant on Georgia Power.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reporting a delay in receiving his reactor from Kim.

Its modus operandi appears to be to slow down the client such that virii get fed up and leave.

— Kahuna to Gordon, commenting on the workings of McAfee's quasi-bogus anti-virus products.

They're promoting casual sends by the Pope.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a hardline view on Gmail's new undo send functionality.

You'll be taking refuge in Tehran?

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the need for a new hiding place given the thawing of relations between the US and North Korea and the warm and fuzzy relationship with *f* .

Er no, I will extend Interstate 10 to Pyongyang.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on his industrious plans to make the best out of an early spring.

There are no laws against this, especially in late October.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being accused of harboring the Monster.

This now brings the total CPU count to 7, 15 if you're counting cores.

— Gordon to Kahuna, upping his processor count after an unscheduled second-hand hardware purchase from an apparel vendor of oriental persuasion.

Anything can happen in these tiny Chinese novelty shops; some are believed to appear and disappear mysteriously.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of the dangers of dabbling in wandering shops.

Maybe you can pick up an old Freon plant the next time you visit your grocer.

— Kahuna, expressing great annoyance with Gordon's second-hand shopping expeditions.

I locked out my password today by accidentally pressing Alt+Shift after a screen saver lockout and switching the language to Sinhala.

— Kahuna to Gordon, confessing to bungling in a native language.

I'm more interested in King Solomon's porn stash.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the discovery of King Solomon's Mines.

I'm not your muse.

— Kahuna, declining to provide creative input to Vandoofus's latest blog.

You're right about that; you're my bitch.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, under the influence of unknown hallucinogens.

There was never a rift; we never pledge allegiance to the Leader like the Apple folks do.

— Gordon to Kahuna, clarifying his relationship with Redmond.

If someone threw things at my embassy, I would retaliate by autocannon.

— Kahuna's Unequal and Opposite Reaction Policy.

These pussy-loving foreign ministers should have had theirs removed during the meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, advocating impromptu castration as part of His Foreign Policy.

If Dorothy wandered into your closet she would conclude fairly quickly that she was no longer in Kansas.

— Kahuna's Wizard of Oz Interpretation of Gordon's Closet.

The potential difference became zero; did you bring your closet online?

— Kahuna to Gordon, investigating a mysterious loss of power.

My daughter has found fascination in the metronome feature of the piano much to my annoyance.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being forced to keep time by his increasingly autonomous daughter.

Well it has to be plugged in to be useful, and besides when it doesn't respond, she thumps it.

— Gordon to Kahuna, explaining his daughter's maintenance analysis procedure for an unresponsive piano.

Percussive maintenance at such an early age; she will outdo you, I tell you.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon to expect polarity-reversed capacitors plugged into his power outlets.

Where were you on or about 1903?

— Kahuna to Gordon, discovering the existence of the Gordon Brothers Group established in the early 20^th century and fearing the worst.

The Vatican should be thumped with a rubber truncheon.

— Kahuna to Gordon, expressing irritation with Benedict XVI's stance on prophylactics.

I'll steal your pics.

— Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

Watch your nuts.

— Kahuna's Subpeona^[1] Defense to Vandoofus's Fair Use Doctrine.

^[1] Subpoena: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." (Anon).

Kahuna Denies Allegations, Hits Back

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna categorically denied St Vandoofus's accusations of megalomania and abuse of power. Calling the charges "ludicrous," He added that Vandoofus was engaging in divisive partisan politics and mud-slinging to cover up his role in the ongoing economic meltdown. He also accused Vandoofus of getting cozy with Governor Palin, saying that "it would take more than moose stew to fix this mess."

Noting that the First Amendment guaranteed the freedom of speech and not the freedom of silence, Kahuna said that "Vandoofus doesn't get it." He added that He was ready for any debate and would vigorously defend His position. He also refused to rule out His constitutional right to use armed bears.

KNN will continue to bring you live coverage of this developing situation.

Freedom of Non-expression

NUEVA YORK, USA -- I have been threatened. The megalomaniacal dictator of the Circus, Big Kahuna, has threatened to kick me out of the Circus if I fail to express myself in the blog. But clearly, the freedom of expression bestowed upon the citizens of the Circus by its constitution also gives the right to not express one's self. So, I have decided to invite Kahuna to 48 hours of continuous debate in which I will challenge his authority and make the case for impeachment.

(I have requested Governor Palin's assistance to formulate flash cards to be used in the debate.)

Sweet Stuff

 
Sweet Stuff (Copyright (cc) 2008 B Kahuna) 

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- A bowl containing sachets of sugar and sweetener at the Cinnamon Grand's Coffee Stop caught the Eye of Kahuna, when He was lounging around with St Vandoofus and Catbert after a meal at The Lagoon.

Captured on 20^th July 2008 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/1.8).