COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- KNN has learned that the Vandoofus Expedition has returned to the metropolis after an unholy excursion into the depths of Hiyare, punctuated by attempts to disprove Archimedes' principle, planting certified trees, suspicious incidents involving culverts and attempted assault on wait-staff.
Members of the ill-fated expedition have since fallen out, after self-styled expedition big cheese, St Vandoofus, released dodgy photographs on Facebook. The prevailing situation led Kahuna to predict the imminent mauling of Vandoofus by means of 'savage wild animal' unleashed upon his person by the aggrieved party.
Vandoofus's legal counsel, thereafter, questioned if the definition of 'savage wild animal' would allow leeches. Kahuna's considered opinion on the matter is published below for the record:
It is abundantly clear that the leech (subclass Hirudinea) would fall within the definition of 'wild' and 'animal'. However, it is not immediately apparent if said leech would also be 'savage' within the conventional definition of the term.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines the adjective 'savage' as:
1. Not domesticated or cultivated; wild: savage beasts of the jungle.
2. Not civilized; barbaric: a savage people.
3. Ferocious; fierce: in a savage temper.
4. Vicious or merciless; brutal: a savage attack on a political rival. See Synonyms at cruel.
5. Lacking polish or manners; rude.
If we consider definitions 1 and 2, it is clear that the leech in question is not domesticated, cultivated or civilized. In essence, it would be 'wild' as previously established. A single instance of leech would probably not be ferocious, fierce, vicious or merciless. However, should a number of leeches decide to gang up on your client, it is highly likely that you could charge them all with ferocious, fierce, vicious and merciless assault. Particularly, if they were somewhat peckish at the time. If they didn't seek explicit permission prior to bleeding your client dry, you could also contend that they were indeed, rude.
Given this interpretation of facts, it would not be unreasonable to classify a leech as a 'savage wild animal'.
In our opinion, however, we would prefer that your client was mauled by large quadruped of class Mammalia (i.e., a wild boar, elephant or leopard) in heat.
We so advise.
The fate of Vandoofus hangs in the balance. Will he be fed to the leeches by his own lawyer acting hand in glove with his adversaries, reputedly armed with ballistic weapons? Or will he fall foul of his butler and be beaten senseless with a colander just before dinner?
Tune in and find out in the next episode of, The Vandoofus Files.
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