The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 27 - A Dance to a Different Tuna

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Sometime in the murky depths of the past, Kahuna and Professor Gordon began bickering about SQL and ended up in a watery misadventure, the transcript of which is presented below in evidence:

Gordon (G): Are you handy with SQL?

Kahuna (K): !@$@#$@#$ Do I look like E F Codd? X-(

G: No you look like a cod, but that's a different story by Seven Seas.

K: You're packing the omega-3 fatty acids aren't you?

G: I'll whack you with a pike if you dont watch it.

K: This is not the time and plaice for this X-(

G: There's no need for roe comments X-(

K: You're fishing in troubled waters, I tell you X-(

G: I'm not falling for that bait X-(

G: This whole conversation stinks.

K: You've already swallowed it hook, line and sinker if you ask me.

G: You'll need a shark cage to protect you when I get my hands on you X-(

K: You might have to evolve fins first by Darwin X-(

G: Actually, I'll use the hammer-head approach.

K: A swordfish attack in the rear will change your tune X-(

G: I'm not going to dance to your tuna X-(

K: There's no need to whale about this.

G: You're the one spawning animosity X-(

K: And you're trawling for any dirt you can get X-(

G: Nonsense, I'm swimming against the tide to avoid conflict X-(

K: You're out of your depth here, give up.

G: On the contrary, you've sunken to an all-time low.

K: Keeping you afloat has certainly taken its toll X-(

G: Look who's talking, you're driving me to the drink X-(

K: You should be in Davy Jones's Locker X-(

G: And you should be on the menu at Joe's Crab Shack X-(

K: Unlike the cockles and mussels mentioned in that song^[1], you won't be alive when I'm through with you X-(

G: I'll plot with your mother to get you married off to that woman renowned for selling seashells by the seashore^[2] X-(

K: I'd prefer C Shells myself, thank you X-(

G: I'll put you on exhibit at Sea World if you don't watch it.

K: You're as persistent as a barnacle X-(

G: This conversation is getting quite stale :-l

K: It's gotten quite rotten by Unhygienix.

G: And it started with E F Codd :-L

K: By you X(

G: Nonsense, you brought Codd into the equation in response to a simple query (pun intended) X-(

K: I will have you tied up in an outer join X-(

G: You won't have a boy scout around to save your ass when the goons arrive. 

On that admittedly incongruent note, we must cast off.  Tune in next time when Gordon recounts of the hunt for Red October in his bathtub.

^[1] "Molly Malone," also known as "Cockles and Mussels," the unofficial anthem of Dublin, Ireland.
^[2] Fossil collector and paleontologist Mary Anning, the basis for Terry Sullivan's 1908 tongue twister, "She sells seashells." 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 26 - A Query Too Far

ALAMOGORDO, New Mexico -- About one year ago, Professor Gordon provoked an altercation with Kahuna over highly non-standard usage of Structured Query Language (SQL). Gordon's requirement was no mere convoluted outer-join, but the sort of relational hocus-pocus that might have rattled even the late E. F. Codd. Naturally, buffoonery followed:

Gordon (G): Can you do a bitwise-AND across rows in SQL?
Kahuna (K): Eh? WTF for? X-(
G: To derive system permissions.
K: Hmmm, I don't know if your platform can do this. You might need to write a stored procedure.
K: This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.
G: I will cursor you if you don't watch it.
K: I will invert your B-tree.
G: I will trigger your end.
K: And I will end your process.
G: I will drop a table on you.
K: If you can figure out the SQL.
G: No one will be able to trace you once I'm finished with you.
K: With your defective execution plan?
G: Nonsense, I'm quite optimized thank you.
K: There's a good chance you'll fumble and drop that table on your big toe.

Kahuna's proposal for intervention by the Patriarch of the Orthodox Church was not well received by Gordon, a known dabbler in the insufficiently lit arts.

Follow-up reports from the arch-zoologist's lair seemed to suggest that Gordon had implemented his nefarious SELECT statements using relationally-suspicious database technology spawned in the darkness of Redmond. This news is understood to have been met with considerable annoyance by Kahuna, who views Gordon as an affront to the known normal forms.

No data was duplicated during this production, although Gordon refuses to be dependent on his primary key.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 25 - The Great Lollipop Caper

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Today we bring you the much-anticipated pilot episode of Gordon, P.I., the new detective thriller starring arch-zoologist and percussive taxidermist, Professor Ebenezer Gordon.

It began like any other day in Alpharetta, but soon hit a rather sticky note when Gordon discovered mysterious lollipop smears on his piano, which were not deemed necessary for the normal functioning of the instrument. After pausing to break the silence with an explosive sound reminiscent of a diesel engine backfiring in the early hours, Gordon leaped into action and quickly surveyed the scene of the crime.

Satisfying himself that a hidden, albeit sticky, hand was responsible for the act of vandalism, Gordon meticulously listed the possible suspects and quickly eliminated the flying monkeys and the Easter Bunny using tried and tested methods handed down by Sherlock Holmes. Gordon concluded that, after eliminating the impossible, the evidence pointed to none other than his daughter being the mastermind behind the dastardly deed. Regular readers will recall that Gordon's daughter is quite a clown and her previous antics are documented elsewhere on the Circus.

Gordon recounted the incident to Kahuna after concluding his initial investigations and this is how the conversation went:

Gordon (G): My daughter has covered the holy piano keyboard in lollipop X-(
Kahuna (K): What flavor? X-(
G: @#$#@%@#%@$%@#$@#$@#$@#$ strawberry X-(
K: By the Tooth Fairy X-(
K: Have you taken her to task? X-(
G: Indeed, she has denied involvement X-(
K: Does she have an alibi? X-(
G: Nothing concrete: I threatened to return the device to the store if a repeat occurrence happens to which she responded, "Okay, okaaaaaay *sigh*."
K: So you're unable to make a case by the Boulder, Colorado Police Department? X-(
G: Indeed.
K: Have you removed the evidence?
G: Indeed, there's still a little left on the C# key X-(
K: And you propose to leave this?
G: Er no, this was cleaned too.
K: This fiasco may give the local ant colony a reason to invade X-(
G: Actually there are no ants in these parts.
K: A good enough reason to establish a local colony in which case.
G: X-(
K: Heh heh.
K: How many octaves did she cover? :-P
G: A complete octave from middle C X-(
K: She restricted herself to a single octave? X-(
G: Indeed X-(
K: By Wolfgang Amadeus X-(
K: And the device was operating when the incident occurred?
G: She turns it on every time she walks by, as she does with most household electronics X-(
K: This is most disturbing by Al Gore X-(
K: Perhaps you should install motion sensors to turn them on and off automatically. This will avoid touching with lollipop-stained hands :-P
G: X-(
K: Either that, or you'll have to shrink wrap everything :-P

Gordon's evidence in this case appears to have been mostly circumstantial and no "smoking lollipop" has been found. No charges have been filed to date and the Lollipop Bandit remains at large.

On that gummy note, we take your leave. Join us next time on Gordon, P.I., when our protagonist investigates the mysterious thermocline in his bathtub.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 24 - Switches and Routers and Modems! Oh, My!

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- During the winter of 2008, Professor Gordon shared his rising energy consumption statistics with Kahuna. The arch-technologist was still heavily reliant on Georgia Power for his electricity supply due to problems in commissioning his own reactor. A delay in receiving enriched Uranium from Kim appears to have bungled the project plan.

However, we digress. Here's what happened shortly after Gordon provided Kahuna with his electricity bill, complete with trend graphs:

Gordon (G): You will check the trend on page two.
Kahuna (K): @#$@#$@# Has Al Gore seen this? X-(
G: X-(
K: I thought not. You're siphoning energy off the grid for nefarious purposes?
G: I think the wife is.
G: Or maybe it's the Linux server in the coat closet :-D
K: You're using a Freon plant to cool it? X-(
G: Cooling is currently an issue.
K: I can see that X-(
G: The coat closet houses a gigabit switch, a wireless router, a VOIP cable modem, a cordless phone base unit and a server with two drives :-D
G: And a few coats :-D
K: And the broomstick?
G: That's in the laundry room.
K: I'm arranging an FCC and FAA inspection.
G: Go ahead X-(
K: The EPA might also want to join, not to mention the local fire department.

A preliminary inspection of Gordon's coat closet suggested that the permitted technology threshold had not merely been exceeded, but left biting the dust. While coats and coat hangers were indeed present, they seemed oddly out of place and appeared to be mostly for decorative purposes. Perhaps, even camouflage. The Linux server, an ominous sign of the rift with Redmond, appeared to house Gordon's integrated Lair Management System, allowing remote deployment of his porcupine defense—presumably by means of the Telnet protocol.

Kahuna explained to KNN that a technology concentration of this magnitude—in an enclosed space no less—was clearly illegal in Havana, adding that Raul would not be pleased. He said that the RF interference alone ought to have piqued the interest of the FCC had they not been otherwise occupied in hounding the last surviving analog television stations.

However, Kahuna also expressed relief that Gordon was not storing his broomstick, the B-82 Stratosweeper, in the closet. The temperamental craft was last seen during Halloween several years ago when it caught fire and caused Gordon to crash unceremoniously during a test flight. The resulting FAA investigation and altercation with the local coven of witches was believed to have grounded the portly one indefinitely.

When KNN attempted to contact Gordon for comment, he was found engaged in a rather heated summit conference with his HVAC consultant. After some provocation, Gordon admitted to exploring forced-air cooling options, while maintaining that, in the meantime, his closet kept his coats warm.

Readers can rest assured that KNN will continue to fabricate this developing story.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 23: The Way of the Highly Effective (Featuring Miss Piggy)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Greetings, carbon-based and other lifeforms! We're back after many months of peace and quiet—just when you thought it safe to venture out. While we apologize for absconding, we must point out in our own defense that global bogosity has reached unprecedented levels, necessitating a full manual override of the planet. This, you will no doubt appreciate, is a potentially perilous proposition punctuated by petulant porcupines. Not to mention cacti on ballistic trajectories and medical practitioners armed with flashlights.

Fortunately, despite these goings on, Kahuna and Professor Gordon found the time to have one of their infamous conversations last December. This time, they ended up defining a new unit of measure that was, in hindsight, desperately needed:

Kahuna (K): A clown looked at my National ID Card and commented that I look like KT Frog X-(
Gordon (G): This is appropriate.
K: X-(
K: Thump(), mode=miss_piggy
G: Hi-ya?
K: Precisely X-(
G: Are you in drag X-(
K: No X-(
G: I see; I was just curious given the Miss Piggy emulation.
K: That was merely to thump you; You have to admit she was quite effective.
G: Indeed.
K: This could be a unit of measure.
G: The Piggy?
K: The Piggy.
G: As a measure of effectiveness?
K: Hmm, or force.
G: Force is already established by Newton, Pascal et al X-(
K: So? X-(
G: There is no unit for effectiveness.
K: And how would this be defined X-(
G: If you get the job done, that's 1 Piggy.
K: Get the job done? X-(
G: Indeed. For example, B Obama's campaign manager gets 1.36 Pg.
K: And McCain's? X-(
G: -1 Pg
K: I see X-(
G: This HeatSync^® 2500 Mini-Client gets 1.223 Pg for creating tanha.
K: And GWB?
G: About 0.68 Pg, I think.

While Kahuna would question Gordon's unduly generous assessment of George W Bush, few would dare challenge the credentials of Miss Piggy—reputed to hold a pink belt in Pig Wan Do—when it comes to thumping people. Among her many victims have been Kermit and Gonzo, Tony Randall, an environmental inspector and even some cat burglers. It is, therefore, indeed apt that the Piggy (Pg) be named in her honor as the new international (SI) unit for measurement of effectiveness.

Unidentified, self-proclaimed pundits speaking to KNN said that this announcement could not have come at a better time given the prevailing heights of global bogosity. They added that Kahuna and Professor Gordon are no strangers to the dark art of quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. More than eight years ago, Professor Gordon formally declared the Kern (Kn) to be standard unit for measurement of Clown Factor (CF).

The Muppet Show, created by the late Jim Henson, is as funny today as it was when it debuted more than thirty years ago, long before the use of computers in animation and special effects. His characters also appeared on the long-running children's television series, Sesame Street. The muppets' tribute to Henson at his funeral was later described in a LIFE Magazine article by Stephanie Harrigan as an epic and almost unbearably moving event.

Here's to Jim Henson and his puppeteers!

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 22: The Way of Uranus (Featuring Dr Teddy)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Where will Google go next with the Earth, Moon and Mars already mapped? Kahuna and Professor Gordon pondered this very question and ended up in unchartered territories necessitating a flashlight:

Kahuna (K): Google Moon? X-(
Gordon (G): Indeed I saw this. Google Uranus is around the corner no doubt.
K: I was just thinking.
G: That must be a new experience.
K: You will experience Google Uranus firsthand with a proctologist, if you don't watch it.
G: No doubt you will too, with Dr Teddy in Haputale.
K: I believe Dr Teddy's interests lie elsewhere.
G: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
K: Indeed; I believe it has not got laid for a while X-(
G: There you go.
K: X-(

Despite Gordon's misgivings, Dr Teddy was quite mildly-behaved in Haputale. However, this appears to have been a temporary aberration and the allegedly cuddly one is now understood to be frolicking at an undisclosed location.

No proctologists were harmed during this production.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 21: The Order of the Bath

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Having a shower used to be a simple, perhaps even pedestrian activity that required no prior approval. Enter Kahuna and Professor Gordon, and we end up with an impromptu discussion about wave dynamics:

Kahuna (K): I will now take a bath.
Gordon (G): Approved.
K: You don't have approval rights for this activity X-(
G: Oh?
K: You've not been inducted into the Order of the Bath.
G: And you have?
K: You're trying to make waves again X-(
G: Would you prefer a ripple?
K: It's high time I squashed your amplitude X-(
G: To what gain?
K: I'm more interested in your loss.
G: You're trying to create total harmonic distortion?
K: Modulation will get you nowhere X-(
G: You're out of phase X-(
K: Better to be out of phase than to be high-frequency noise.
G: You're crackling now.
K: Nonsense, you're clearly out of tune.

The bickering was adjourned at that point and Kahuna finally absconded for His bath. Incidentally, Gordon is once thought to have discovered a thermocline in his bathtub. Details remain murky and it is not known if his rubber ducky was party to the proceedings. On that colorful note, we close for tonight.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 20: Of Tuning Forks and Chainsaws

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Hello, here we are once again. Kahuna is still incapacitated due to what has now been identified as a malfunction in cranial nerve V. He has been prescribed medication with side-effects seemingly more dangerous than His ailment, possibly an indication that the medical profession is out to get Him. The perception of sound a semitone lower than the actual pitch is among some of the more exotic of these side-effects. This bit of information led an early morning squabble with Professor Gordon:

Kahuna (K): Wallop()
Gordon (G): The bipolar tone-deaf idiot X-(
K: I will feed you iron filings and send you for an MRI scan X-(
G: I will drive you nuts with a tuning fork :-P
K: Do you know what I'll do to you with your tuning fork? X-(
G: Given your bipolar nature, it's quite difficult to predict :-D
K: Good, I'll have the element of surprise >:-)
G: Retard X-(
K: Heh heh heh.

Readers would probably be relieved to learn that Kahuna does not suffer from a bipolar disorder as alleged by Gordon. His perception of 261.626 Hz as middle C also remains unchanged at the time of writing. Despite a rather rocky start, the discussion soon moved into more important topics; namely, Gordon's plans to host a family reunion in the continental United States:

G: In other news PO, MO and Cl Sibling are plotting a visit to these parts.
K: What steps will you take to counterbalance the global CF^[1] shift?
G: The Monster may also converge on Atlanta.
K: Should I repeat my question? X-(
G: I might have to send Vandoofus to Madagascar to compensate.
K: Madagascar? I believe it is currently mucking about in New Zealand X-(
G: Ah, in that case we have balance.
K: A precarious one if you ask me: someone farting at the CNN Center could easily upset the whole thing.
G: PO's acquisition of a chainsaw sent his CF through the roof.
K: And you want Vandoofus to compensate? X-(
G: Vandoofus's CF was established sans power tools. If he gets a power tool, we'll have to cover him in concrete à la Chernobyl X-(
K: Are you sure PO won't pack his chainsaw? X-(
G: Er no, however, he might acquire upgrades at the Home Depot X-(
K: I didn't realize a concrete sarcophagus could contain CF X-(
G: Would you like to be encased in one to disprove the theory?
K: Bah, nonsense: the burden of proof is upon you; it will be joined by a medium-sized hippo if you're not careful.
G: Hippos are quite violent X-(
K: Precisely. I'm counting on it to take offence at the arrangements right from the outset.

[After a considerable pause]

K: Did it finish you off? :-P
G: Er no, I am gathering documents for the Hon Consul X-(

The discussion was adjourned, thereafter, on account of the late hour in Alpharetta. No hippopotomi were harmed during this production. However, Kahuna reserves the right to deal with Gordon using a badly tuned grand piano.

^[1] For the uninitiated, CF means Clown Factor, a quantification of the clown nature. The SI unit for measurement of CF is the Kern (Kn) and interested readers will find more details in ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 19: The Way of the Coconut

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- We're back again with another edition of the Kahuna-Gordon Messages, where we learn of the chaos perpetrated by Gordon in his latests nutty attempts at educating the populace of Georgia in the vernacular. To protect the guilty, we will refer to the protagonist behind this episode simply as 'P'. Translations are provided below for non-native language speakers:

Gordon (G): In other news, it is evident that P communicates using the YKMP protocol.
Kahuna (K): YKMP?
G: Indeed: Yanney Koheda, Malley Pol^[1].
K: Eh? Now what?
G: You ask it about X, it responds about Y.
K: @#$@#^$%%@#$@#$@#%@#$@#$@#$@#
K: Its L2 is corrupted obviously. You will thump it to reset its cache.
G: Indeed; I have updated the locals on YKMP terminology.
K: Oh?
G: Indeed; there was a mail forwarded claiming, "he's got coconuts in the bag again."
K: @$@#$@#%@#$^#$&$%$%@#%@#@#$
K: [FUME]
G: [ROTFL]
K: You're causing chaos X-(
G: No, P is.
K: You're nuts.
G: You're barking up the wrong tree.
K: An alavanguwa^[2] will sort you both out. Try translating that.
G: Potato bend?
K: Indeed.
G: Iti gediya.
K: Now, now.
G: Bambuwa^[3].
K: I will thump you with a visiketta^[4].
G: A manna pihiya^[5] might be more effective.
K: This looks like the proverbial monkey with the delipihiya^[6] X-(
G: You're attempting to cause kalabala^[7].
K: Oh? By Mawanella^[8]?
G: Exactly.
K: I should have eliminated you when I had the chance.
G: Mineemaruwa^[9].
K: Gas gemba^[10].
G: "Gus," I think is the correct term by Shell.
K: Bahu-jaathika buuwalla^[11].
G: Mee haraka^[12].
K: Uuru meeya^[13].

At which point, thankfully, the proceedings were adjourned sine die. No coconuts were smashed during this production, although, it is quite possible that the Anti-Pot may advocate such drastic measures in the coming months.

^[1] When asked, "Where are you going?" one responds, "I've got coconuts in the bag," demonstrating a total semantic disconnect between question and answer. In a Unix operating system, this form of behavior would qualify as a segmentation violation.
^[2] Literally, potato bend. A local species of crowbar used for drilling small holes in the ground or potentially, uprooting tubers or conceivably, rhizomes.
^[3] Literally a bamboo stem, used as an expression of annoyance.
^[4] Slasher.
^[5] Machete.
^[6] Straight razor.
^[7] State of disorder or, according to Gordon, a ruckus.
^[8] A small town in the Kegalle district, scene of communal riots some years ago.
^[9] Murderer.
^[10] Literally, tree frog.
^[11] Literally, multinational octopus. A slogan of choice often uttered by Marxist trade unions types during vitriolic diatribes against capitalism.
^[12] Buffalo.
^[13] Literally, pig rat. Refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) which apparently makes pig-like grunts while attacking.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 18: Bridge Over Troubled Water

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Arch-technologist Professor Gordon celebrated his n^th birthday today, where n was reportedly a fairly large integer. The BlueGene/L supercomputer at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory is believed to be busy solving for n, given the secrecy shrouding Gordon's biological age.

Kahuna hogged the international voice network a short while ago to convey felicitations and exchange threats. It transpired during the proceedings that Gordon was investigating the feasibility of building a bridge between the continental United States and Asia, given the rising cost of air travel:

Gordon (G): You see the case for my bridge now? X-(
Kahuna (K): This is a bridge too far if I ever saw one X-(
G: You are burning bridges X-(
K: Your span is getting me down; I should have you suspended X-(
G: You are stressed X-(
K: I'll have you gimbaled X-(
G: Don't make such riveting statements.
K: Would you prefer I get down to the nuts and bolts of this matter? X-(

Gordon's controversial plans purportedly involve the relocation of Iceland, a matter that may be met with some resistance from Reykjavik. Nonetheless, it is understood that Kahuna was not in favor of Gordon's bid to become the IK Brunel of the 21^st century.

In unrelated news, it is learned that Gordon had finally added his posterior to Facebook, voluntarily. This comes in the wake of an identity theft master-minded from the Republic of Ireland several months ago. Powerful clowns from Ireland are believed to have hijacked Gordon's identity and added him to Facebook, causing great annoyance to the portly one. Sadly, the matter was settled amicably.

On that note, we end today's post.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 17: The Wake of the Heavy

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Greetings good people of Earth and our esteemed alien readership! We're back with even more buffoonery after a short hiatus on account of the festive season. What better way to kick off a new year than with another edition of the redoubtable Kahuna-Gordon Messages?

Today we bring you a conversation between our two arch-clowns after Thanksgiving:

Kahuna : Have you gained mass during the 
         proceedings?
Gordon : Large quantities of turkey (Meleagris 
         gallopavo) have been consumed.
Kahuna : The wobble introduced into the Earth's 
         axial rotation over Atlanta led me to 
         suspect this.
Gordon : That might have been the Monster mucking 
         about near the Hoover Dam.
Kahuna : A likely story. I will resort to adding 
         the term "heavy" after your name in a 
         manner similar to the call signs of very
         large aircraft.
Gordon : I believe heavy refers to the level of 
         fuel on board.
Kahuna : Er no, it refers to the wake turbulence.  
         Heh heh :-P
Gordon : X-(
Kahuna : [ROTFL]
Gordon : It'll be "mayday, mayday" for you once I'm
         done with you X-(
Kahuna : Less chatter, Gordon 371 Heavy.
Gordon : Missile alert :-l
Kahuna : Indeed, you and gravity would be a deadly 
         combination X-(

Plans to declare Gordon a wake-vortex hazard and enforce minimum separation for trailing pedestrians is believed to be well underway. Kahuna is also reportedly eying both the Monster and Darth Teddy as similar hazards, given their expanding girths. The Monster was not available for comment. However, Darth Teddy quickly dismissed the allegations against his waistline contending that he was "petite." Kahuna scoffed at the Bear's petiteness, pointing out that Obelix had resorted to similar tactics in the well-known Adventures of Asterix.

In related news, certain budget airlines recently discovered that a fully-loaded Airbus A321 was indeed too heavy to manually push back from the gate when ground services were suspended due to non-payment of dues^[1]. While even clowns of average intelligence would certainly appreciate the folly in trying to thallu-start an Airbus using twelve able-bodied personnel instead of the more conventional practice of using a pushback tractor, room temperature IQs seem evident within the relevant decision-making bodies. Oh well, only in paradise.

On that note, we take your leave. Please note that no aircraft were manually pushed back during this production.

^[1] "Mihin Aircraft Gets Thallu Start." The Morning Leader. 2 January 2008.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 16: On Shaky Ground

ATLANTA, Georgia -- Arch-technologist Professor Gordon found himself all shaken up a few months ago thanks to the seismic research conducted by his daughter.

Regular readers will recall previous research established conclusively that hard disk drives do not operate when immersed in orange juice. Attempts to discover the speed of light in a greased optical medium were only narrowly averted. Given this context, we now disclose the buffoonery that took place during a conversation with Kahuna:

Gordon : My daughter has taken refuge under the
         table.
Kahuna : What on earth is she doing under the table?
Gordon : I have no idea.
Kahuna : I suggest you brace yourself for local 
         tectonic activity.
Gordon : Now what?
Kahuna : She might yank a strategic cable or 
         otherwise muck things up.
Gordon : @##%@#$%@#%@#$@#$@#$@ Gaaaaaaaah just as
         you provided that warning, she switched 
         on the massage function on the chair 
         causing great alarm.
Kahuna : [ROTFL] [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [FUME] You're causing remote alarms 
         BTBOTP.

While Gordon's own experiments with such things as pyrotechnics began at an early age, he appears to be in great danger of being outdone by his offspring. Who know what she might do next? Heh heh. On that disturbing note, we sign off for today.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 15 - The Way of the Frog

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- What do frogs and Richard Branson have in common? Not much, but if you leave it to Kahuna and Professor Gordon, anything is possible. Today we present a vividly chromatic conversation that went completely out of control and resulted in the manifestation of wildlife in a manner that defied probability.

To provide the right context, we ought to point out that Kahuna was in the habit of distributing interesting websites to Gordon and others. We begin just after Kahuna had passed on an yet another URL to Gordon, much to the latter's frustration:

Gordon : Looks like the link server is up :-l
Kahuna : Without me you'd be a FITW.
Gordon : And this is some sort of F2F network? X-(
Kahuna : F2F?
Gordon : Frog-to-Frog X-(
         Ribbit X-(
Kahuna : Apparently the correct way to make frog
         sounds is to go "BREK-KEK-KEK."
Gordon : From the frog’s mouth :-P
Kahuna : It is quite a good simulation by R P
         Feynman.
Kahuna : BTW, did you note the Branson's aircraft?
Gordon : Er, indeed.
Kahuna : Ethernet to every seat X-(
         And the flight entertainment system is
         running on Red Hat.
Gordon : Indeed. To entertain your black ass.
Kahuna : I believe you were caught red-handed
         engaging in black magic not long ago :-P
Gordon : White lies.
Kahuna : I see you're displaying the yellow feather.
Gordon : I'll show you the red card if you don’t
         watch it.
Kahuna : You're getting quite blue in the face
         aren't you?
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm quite close to giving you a
         black eye.
Kahuna : You're going green with envy X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm looking pink and fresh with
         apologies to Lieutenant Gruber.
Kahuna : You'll be quite pale and white if you don't
         watch it by Monsieur Alfonse X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'm quite alive by the Red Hot
         Chili Peppers.
Kahuna : You will end up embalmed in the Red Square
         à la Comrade Lenin X-(
Gordon : And for you, it'll be the Black Death by
         Speedy Gonzales.
Kahuna : The Yellow Submarine will be your tomb by
         the Beatles X-(
Gordon : Nonsense, I'll make a quick getaway in my
         Little Red Corvette.
Gordon : And I'll let the air out of the Pink
         Cadillac lest you follow :-p
Kahuna : Your getaway car will end up in the Blue
         Bayou :-p
Gordon : Nope, I'll be on Yellow Brick Road.
Kahuna : I will have you encased in amber X-(
Gordon : I'll set the Red Army upon you.
Kahuna : Blackguard X-(
Gordon : Red Indian X-(

[Considerable pause]

Gordon : Have you blacked out? :-D
Kahuna : Er no, a frog materialized X-(
         I'm trying to get rid of it.
Gordon : [ROTFL]
Kahuna : [FUME]
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : He's probably looking for a mate [SNICKER]
Kahuna : I will beat you black and blue X-(
Gordon : [GUFFAW]^100
         That was the most hilarious coincidence on
         the planet :-p This whole fiasco started
         with a frog.
Kahuna : Heh Heh, indeed [ROTFL]
         I believe this will be The Way of the Frog.

And so it was to be. A frog did indeed manifest itself in Kahuna's chambers, bypassing the security layer enforced by His household canine and feline subsystems. The intruder was, however, escorted out of the premises shortly afterwards in a container class.

This incident leads us to suspect that large clowns can influence reality by virtue of their clown factor. Kahuna intends to carry out further research into this phenomenon, this time with elephants instead of frogs. It was not immediately clear if the arch-zoologist Professor Gordon would also be taking part in the study.

Incidentally, Kahuna, who was known to speak fluent sheep, learned to croak a long time ago when He read a review of Richard Feynman's autobiography, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!^[1] in Discover magazine. Feynman himself had learned it from The Frogs, a comedy written by Aristophanes and first performed in 405 BC. Never one to stand on ceremony, Feynman recounts putting his croaking skills to good use after winning the 1965 Nobel Prize in Physics:

People told me that there was a rule in Sweden that after you accept the Prize, you have to back away from the king without turning around. You come down some steps, accept the Prize, and then go back up the steps. So I said to myself, "All right, I'm gonna fix them!"—and I practiced jumping up stairs, backwards, to show how ridiculous their custom was. I was in a terrible mood! That was stupid and silly, of course. I found out this wasn't a rule any more; you could turn around when you left the king, and walk like a normal human being, in the direction you were intending to go, with your nose in front.

I was pleased to find that not all the people in Sweden take the royal ceremonies as seriously as you might think. When you get there, you discover that they're on your side. The students had, for example, a special ceremony in which they granted each Nobel-Prize-winner the special "Order of the Frog." When you get this little frog, you have to make a frog noise. When I was younger I was anti-culture, but my father had some good books around. One was a book with the old Greek play The Frogs in it, and I glanced at it one time and I saw in there that a frog talks. It was written as "brek, kek, kek." I thought, "No frog ever made a sound like that; that's a crazy way to describe it!" so I tried it, and after practicing it awhile, I realized that it's very accurately what a frog says. So my chance glance into a book by Aristophanes turned out to be useful, later on: I could make a good frog noise at the students' ceremony for the Nobel-Prize-winners! And jumping backwards fit right in, too. So I liked that part of it; that ceremony went well.

There is no doubt that in addition to his contribution to physics, Richard Feynman was also one of the largest buffoons ever to walk the planet. His autobiographies^[1][2]—which deal with such eclectic topics as the Manhattan Project, lock-picking, safe-cracking, topless bars, bongo playing, Mayan hieroglyphics and the investigation into the Challenger disaster—are strongly recommended.

Meanwhile, Richard Branson has seen it fit to redefine the aviation industry in North America with his new airline, Virgin America. Not only will power outlets be provided at cruise altitude, but also USB and Ethernet. The competition can expect to have their collective asses whipped when widespread services commence.

On that disturbing note, we leave you for now. Please note that no frogs were harmed during this production.

^[1] Feynman, Richard et.al. "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!". New York: W.W. Norton, 1997.
^[2] Feynman, Richard. What Do You Care What Other People Think?. Boston: Unwin Hyman, 1988.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 14 - The Way of the Bog

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Regular readers know that Professor Gordon attracts loads of spam, thanks in part to his huge personal bogosity. We touched upon the subject of spam some time ago, during the Moses Affair.

It was during this time that Kahuna came across a hilarious piece on scambaiting, i.e., paying scammers back at their own game. This particular story was about Father Hector Barnett and the Holy Church of The Order of The Red Breast.

Clearly, this was much too good to leave alone and the foul exchange that took place between 'Father' Gordon and Kahuna quite literally stank to high heaven:

Gordon : I am from the Order of the Hole in the Ass.
Kahuna : Yes, I've heard of this X-(
Gordon : I'm sure you have.
Kahuna : X-(
Gordon : We operate out of a trailer park in 
         Martha's Vineyard.
Kahuna : You're trespassing aren't you?
Gordon : It's god's will.
Kahuna : Bah, your god is a clown.
Gordon : It takes all sorts to make the universe go
         round.
Kahuna : A decent spin is all it takes. Have you 
         prayed to your god today?
Gordon : The Order of the Hole in the Ass considers 
         farts to be prayers. In that light, yes, 
         I have prayed quite a lot today.
Kahuna : Yes, your flatulence is quite legendary. I
         believe it was reported that you were 
         considering such a propulsion mechanism for
         your Stratosweeper.
Gordon : Don't talk shit.
Kahuna : Well you started with this load of crap X-(
Gordon : Bullshit.
Kahuna : Poppycock X-(
Gordon : Rubbish.
Kahuna : Piss off.
Gordon : Asswipe X-(
Kahuna : Will you be using one square à la S Crow? 
         X-(
Gordon : No, we use water à la most Sri Lankans X-(
Kahuna : Polluter X-(
Gordon : Would you rather I roamed about with pieces
         of shit in my ass? X-(
Kahuna : What you do with your ass is not covered by
         federal jurisdiction X-(
Gordon : So why are you poking your nose up it?
Kahuna : You're trying to raise a stink here aren't
         you? X-(
Gordon : Incidentally, I need to take a dump X-(
         BRB X-(
Kahuna : An offering to your god no doubt? X-(
Gordon : You bet.
Kahuna : Praise the lord!

Father Gordon's plans to visit the inner sanctum, however, were not meant to be, for a diabolical interruption took place:

Gordon : My daughter just turned up and requested to
         be carried :-l
Kahuna : Oh shit!
Kahuna : [GUFFAW]
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : ROTFL.
Gordon : I will thump you with a diaper genie if you
         don't watch it X-(
Gordon : BRB X-(

Gordon eventually retired to his inner sanctum and returned after what appears to have been considerable prayer:

Kahuna : Have you prayed, my son? Do you feel the 
         relief? [GUFFAW]
Gordon : There is a god.

The next day, Kahuna sought an audience with Father Gordon once more:

Kahuna : Flush() Flush() Flush()
         Are you in 'Holy' Father?
Gordon : You're bogging me down X-(
Kahuna : You seem to be in deep shit, Father X-(
Gordon : I'm not taking advice from an old fart X-(
Kahuna : Temper, temper.  You're in a crappy mood.
Gordon : Bullshit.
Kahuna : Flush it X-(
Gordon : Why are you so uptight? Do you need a 
         laxative? X-(
Kahuna : Look who's talking.  You seem to be in 
         desperate need of prayer.
Gordon : Nonsense, I just prayed X-(
Kahuna : In the name of the Farter, the Bog and the
         Holy Bidet?

On that unquestionably septic note, we conclude this story. The die-hards among you who need further laughter can read the full Tale of the Painted Breast, replete with photographs.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 13 - Of Lochs and Monsters

The Standard of the Monster (Copyright © 2005 B Kahuna)

DRUMNADROCHIT, Scotland -- Due to compelling reasons, we bring you another edition of the Kahuna-Gordon Messages, immediately after the last.

News breaking from Scotland has disclosed new sightings of the fabled Loch Ness Monster. Naturally, this lead to bickering between the menaces to society:

Kahuna : In other news, Nessie has been sighted.  
         And I thought I brought the monster home 
         during my last visit X-(
Gordon : They should drain that bloody lake and 
         sort out the whole affair once and for 
         all X-(
Kahuna : That's the largest body of freshwater in 
         the UK X-(
Gordon : Bah.
Kahuna : It's quite deep as well.
Gordon : If they can build a tunnel across the 
         channel they can bloody well drain that
         tub X-(
Kahuna : Maybe we should pump the water to the 
         lakes in Georgia that were drained by the 
         Army Corps of Engineers X-(
Gordon : You're losing focus: there were no monster 
         sightings there X-(
Kahuna : I'm well aware of that and the fact that 
         you've assumed duties as Monster Pro Tem.  
         I'm trying to solve your water problem by 
         Sonny Perdue X-(
Gordon : I'll have you dunked in the Ganges if you 
         don't watch it.
Kahuna : And you belong at the bottom of the East 
         River with the concrete boot option X-(
Gordon : Murderer X-(
Kahuna : Tough loch X-(

Kahuna was quick to point out that the only monster he saw at Loch Ness during his last visit was Darth Teddy. However, He conceded that the Bear made a large nuisance of himself at the time, particularly in that quaint restaurant in Inverness with the highly edible waitress named Jill who, unfortunately, happened to have a boyfriend. Kahuna added that He escorted the allegedly cuddly one safely away from the surroundings of the loch.

Darth Teddy was busy nursing his hand after sustaining injuries consistent with suspicious digital manipulation. The Monster Pro Tem of Georgia was not available for comment, having absconded for a tour of the state's reservoir system in which he had expressed intent to wallow.

No plesiosaurs or waitresses were harmed during this production. 

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 12 - The Way of the Jungle

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- A few months ago, Professor Gordon and Kahuna had yet another of their notorious conversations. This time, it became a highly unorthodox discussion about microarchitecture, implicating flora and fauna in a manner that would have been frowned upon by Subrata Dasgupta, author of that definitive work, The Design and Description of Computer Architectures^[1].

This is a work of utter buffoonery and certainly not intended to be an affront to Professor Dasgupta, without whose works, Kahuna would have been a lesser clown.

Read on to find out what would happen if large clowns left unsupervised, designed processors.

Gordon : In other news, my daughter is attempting 
         speech synthesis.
Kahuna : Again? X-(
Gordon : Indeed.
Gordon : She executes for{int i=1; i<=10; i++} quite
         regularly, especially whilst climbing 
         stairs. 
Kahuna : #@$@%@!@#@!$%#$% 
Gordon : What, you prefer VB? X-( 
Kahuna : I'd prefer if you didn't teach your 
         daughter to code at this age X-( 
Gordon : Heh heh, be thankful it wasn't MOV AX,0 etc
         :-P
Kahuna : I will perform an LDIR[2] on your person 
         by Z80 assembly X-(
Gordon : Now, now, now.
         HALT.
Kahuna : RSET.
Gordon : JNZ LAKE X-(
Kahuna : LD CACTUS.
         PUSH CACTUS.
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Kahuna : Heh heh.
Gordon : That would probably have caused a cache 
         miss X-(
Kahuna : You think?
Kahuna : I can just imagine not finding the cactus 
         in main memory and a foray into the Arizona
         desert X-(
Gordon : Exactly.
Kahuna : This would incur a delay of several clock
         cycles X-(
Gordon : You could attempt a prefetch X-(
Kahuna : Are you suggesting that I cache cacti to 
         avoid going off-chip?
Gordon : Well the branch prediction may compensate.
Kahuna : If it predicts the wrong branch, it might 
         fetch redwoods. This could cause large 
         scale caching problems X-(
Gordon : I see your locale is en-US X-(
Kahuna : Indeed. Flagstaff, AZ to be precise.
Gordon : If your locale was en-ZA you might have 
         fetched a baobab.
Kahuna : #$@#$@#$ You will note said baobab caches 
         water X-(
Gordon : Indeed, large amounts of it too.
Kahuna : So you're suggesting we replace the L2 with
         a baobab?
Gordon : This is a possibility, yes.  You might 
         attract vultures, though.
Kahuna : Said vultures could introduce pipeline 
         stalls.
Gordon : In local news a clown zoo had lost its 
         vulture and was issuing instructions to 
         notify police if [we] saw a vulture flying
         by X-(
Kahuna : Yes, all we need now is a vulture flyby X-(
Kahuna : I wonder why they never thaught [sic] 
         processor design in this manner.
Gordon : Judging by that last sentence they'd have 
         been too busy checking spellings X-(
Kahuna : I will lock you up in baobab if you're not
         careful. "A very large, hollow boab [sic] 
         south of Derby, Western Australia was used 
         in the 1890s as a lockup for Aboriginal 
         prisoners on their way to Derby for 
         sentencing. The Boab Prison Tree still 
         stands and is now a tourist attraction."[3]
Gordon : You appear to have branched X-(
Kahuna : It was just a look-aside during translation
         X-(
Gordon : Someone should buffer you.
Kahuna : A staging latch could be used for this
         purpose X-(
Gordon : That's quite static.
Kahuna : Well as long as it's fast enough.
Kahuna : You will note it takes a large CF to 
         explain microarchitecture in terms of 
         cacti, baobabs and vultures X-(
Kahuna : By Subrata Dasgupta X-(
Gordon : Indeed. A hyena or two will add some 
         flavor.
Kahuna : I was thinking of a fossa.
Gordon : Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Don't remind me of that
         clown X-(
Kahuna : Indeed. That book was hideous X-(
Gordon : To this day I have no idea what he was 
         trying to say X-(
Kahuna : Indeed. The sentences were so long that you
         lost track of the subject and the predicate
         when you got to the end.

Professor Dasgupta's perfectly structured, elegantly mathematical English was lost on undergraduates desperately short of cache memory to buffer the entirety of his statements. Screaming and gnashing of teeth was not uncommon during CS301.

Gordon : Indeed, perhaps it was trying to explain 
         TLBs X-(
Kahuna : I think the whole book was a corrupted TLB.
Gordon : [GUFFAW]
Gordon : You're suggesting bad SRAM by Hyundai.
Kahuna : I'm suggesting that Dasgupta got his 
         pipelines a twist. It's a good thing he 
         didn't teach surgery for instance X-(
Kahuna : Argggggggggghhhhh! You will examine.
Gordon : BTBOTP, he looks like Cuthbert Calculus.
Gordon : He's in the Institute of Cognitive Science 
         of all places X-(
Kahuna : He's written a novel as well X-(
Gordon : Oh? X-(
Kahuna : Just imagine reading that X-(
Gordon : Perhaps that's what we had in the library 
         X-(
Kahuna : He's written more than one. Probably no one
         understood it. Or more likely, survived to
         tell the tale.
Gordon : [GUFFAW]

In all fairness, the most boring book of all time is Michael J Earl's Management Strategies for Information Technology^[4]. A bane of college students everywhere, the slim volume with its characteristic dark blue cover is known to induce coma with a single page. But, we digress.

Gordon : Perhaps he may have a chance now that 
         Sidney Sheldon is out of the way X-(
Kahuna : Yes, the general public is itching to read
         about his description of how staging 
         latches help during prefetch X-(
Gordon : :-P
Kahuna : You can almost feel the suspense when he
         describes a pipeline stall X-(
Gordon : You appear to be a great fan of his works.
Kahuna : Yes, I still remember the chapter on 
         microcode X-(
Kahuna : It took me years to get over it.
Gordon : Heh, heh.

The next day, buffoonery continued.

Kahuna : Zap() Clobber()
Gordon : Vulture()
Kahuna : A deceased wildebeest will sort you out.
Gordon : Assault with carcass? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed.
Kahuna : Good lord: "A group of vultures is 
         occasionally called a venue in literature. 
         When circling in the air, a group of 
         vultures is called a kettle."[5]
Gordon : A kettle? By Russell Hobbs X-(
Kahuna : Indeed X-(
Gordon : And literature? By S Dasgupta X-(
         What form of literature has references to
         vultures? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed.  Said clown would have described 
         the venue of vultures attending the 
         processor in quite unnecessary detail X-(
Kahuna : However, I'm still not quite clear what 
         role these vultures play in the 
         microarchitecture. Garbage collection? X-(
Gordon : Garbage collection.
Kahuna : And you propose to use elephants to manage 
         the data bus? Especially if your TLB 
         predicts we need a redwood.
Gordon : For data compression, yes.
Kahuna : Who's going to fetch the data? X-(
Gordon : Carrier pigeons.
Kahuna : Carrier pigeons? X-(
Gordon : Do you have a better suggestion? X-(
Kahuna : Let me get this right: we have pigeons
         bringing in the data from off-chip storage,
         then there's a ring of elephants around the
         baobab who stomp on the incoming data to
         compress it?
Gordon : Yes, and vultures cleaning up any 
         leftovers.
Kahuna : This compression appears to be lossy X-(
Gordon : The hyenas take care of interrupts.
Kahuna : By howling?
Gordon : Yup.
Gordon : Unless you get laughing hyenas, that is.
Kahuna : In which case? X-(
Gordon : They laugh.
Kahuna : This might annoy the elephants X-(
Gordon : This is all taken care of by the lions 
         manning the control bus.
Kahuna : Oh, there are lions as well? X-(
Gordon : Yes. This worries you?
Kahuna : No, I'm just wondering how the data is
         decompressed.
Gordon : That's a patented process.
Gordon : I forgot to mention the zebras that provide
         disk striping.
Kahuna : No doubt the elephants blow the compressed 
         data back up
Gordon : I cannot comment on that.
Kahuna : You're attempting to hide a patently lossy
         compression method X-(
Kahuna : These zebras operate on RAID 1+0 or 5?
Gordon : 1+0.
Kahuna : These are high-performance zebras, BTBOTP.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Is there a secretary bird in this 
         architecture?
Gordon : How did you guess?
Kahuna : Someone has to provide a clock signal X-(
Gordon : Er no, that's the cuckoo.
Kahuna : And pray tell what the secretary bird does?
Gordon : The secretary bird handles the storage
         abstraction layer.
Gordon : You just hand over the data and it's filed 
         on any available medium.
Kahuna : And the underlying zebras handle 
         redundancy?
Gordon : Exactly.
Gordon : And then there're the fireflies that read
         optical media.
Kahuna : X-( Yellow-ray technology?
Gordon : Er no, they were genetically modified to 
         glow blu(e). We try to adhere to standards 
         wherever possible.
Kahuna : There is no such standard X-(
Gordon : Haven't you heard of Blu-ray? X-(
Kahuna : I believe they're still bitching over that 
         and HD-DVD X-(
Gordon : Indeed; however, Blu-ray seems to be 
         winning.
Kahuna : Your alliances are noted X-(
Kahuna : We will need some adders to man the FPU.
Gordon : Did I mention we use water from the baobab 
         for cooling?
Kahuna : Er no, but I would imagine this to be 
         sensible.
Kahuna : Doesn't this architecture need monkeys?
Gordon : No they're unpredictable.
Kahuna : Yes, we wouldn't want this to become like
         parliament.
Gordon : I will now abscond for a bit to pay the 
         rent.
Kahuna : Why not hand it over to the secretary bird?

Sometime later...

Gordon : Douglas()
Kahuna : Gah.
Kahuna : Did you go off-chip? X-(
Gordon : Yes, I was peripheral.
Kahuna : I must ask the lions not to leave you to 
         your own devices.
Kahuna : On that note, I will swap myself out.
Gordon : To hibernate?
Kahuna : Indeed.
Gordon : Someone should shut you down if you ask me.
Kahuna : Bah, you've been trying for years.

Wait, there's more!

Kahuna : Hyena.laugh() elephant.stomp()
Gordon : By PKZIP.
Kahuna : At least PKZIP has a known inverse function
         X-(
Gordon : :-P
Gordon : When was the last time you recovered 
         anything squashed by an elephant then?
Kahuna : I haven't; this is why I'm waiting to see 
         your patent X-(
Gordon : Heh, heh, heh.
Kahuna : Your whole architecture could fall apart 
         X-(

On that ominous note, we take your leave. Gordon's new architecture will be detailed in the Jungle Book, coming soon to CS301 near you. Naturally, no flora or fauna was harmed in the course of this production.

^[1] Dasgupta, S. 1984 The Design and Description of Computer Architectures. John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
^[2] LDIR (LoaD, Increment, Repeat) is a block-transfer instruction in Z80 assembly which can rapidly copy a block of memory from one location to another. More information available here.
^[3] Wikipedia: baobab.
^[4] Earl, M. J. 1989 Management Strategies for Information Technology. Prentice-Hall, Inc.
^[5] Wikipedia: vulture.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 11 - The Cat, the Preacher and the Clown

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- The fallout from Darth Teddy's performance of Jessie at the Bogusan Idol contest continues. On the eve of the nuptials between the Baroness and the Ex-Dictator, Kahuna and Professor Gordon had one of their infamous conversations. This time, it was sparked off by a discussion about the cat Moses. The discussion rambled through recent spam received by Gordon and Kahuna's attire for the wedding before degenerating into a cheesy, late-night infomercial offering multi-protocol, transport-independent prayer in a heterogeneous environment. Read on:

Kahuna : Why would anyone name a cat Moses? X-(
Gordon : Speaking of which, Mrs Moses contacted me.
Kahuna : Mrs Moses? X-(
Gordon : You have to read this X-(

We should explain that Gordon had just been spammed by Mrs Celina Moses of Sierra Leone, now residing in Côte d'Ivoire, but with her email address apparently in Japan. The mail opened with the salutation "BELOVED" and went downhill from there. Mrs Moses had found Gordon's email address after a "desperate search on the Internet" and had then prayed over it. She was offering Gordon 6.5 million smackers of her late husband's loot for religious purposes.

Kahuna : Oh she's prayed over your email address.
         Bless your soul X-(
Gordon : Indeed.
Gordon : I didn't know Sierra Leone was co.jp X-(
Kahuna : Heh heh. I've heard it all now.
Gordon : Exactly. Will you be praying over your email
         address?
Kahuna : I will be praying for your soul.
Kahuna : You will now provide inputs to my attire:
         1. Dark red shirt + red tie.
         2. Gray striped shirt + silver tie.
Gordon : You will swap(ties, shirts).
Kahuna : Red shirt + silver tie? X-(
Gordon : Indeed or the other combination.
Gordon : The tie is meant to contrast, not be
         camouflaged X-(
Kahuna : Now, now.
Kahuna : Your contribution rate to UQ31 is quite high
         tonight X-(
Kahuna : Actually, the red shirt + silver tie looks
         good.
Gordon : Indeed.
Kahuna : Will you bless this attire?
Gordon : Indeed, and I will pray over your FTP server
         as well.
Kahuna : For what reason? X-(
Gordon : An added bonus.
Kahuna : Is this a one-time, never to be repeated
         special offer?
Gordon : That's right, but call now and we'll add a
         weekly prayer over your SAN for free.
Kahuna : Praise the lord.  Are your operators standing
         by?
Gordon : Absolutely.
Kahuna : Do I get a money-back guarantee if I'm not
         satisfied with your prayer?
Gordon : Yes a full refund, and we will pray that you
         come to your senses as well.
Kahuna : But what if your prayer is incompatible with
         my SAN switch?
Gordon : It's guaranteed to be compatible: one million
         satisfied idiots can't be wrong.
Kahuna : Herne protect us!

On that somewhat Pagan note, we end this story. Contrary to popular belief, the Red Sea was not partitioned during these proceedings; Gordon merely experimented in his bathtub. We must emphasize that the resulting overflow caused only a minor flood.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 10 - The Fall of Gordon

LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, Georgia -- Recently declassified documents have uncovered a conversation between Kahuna and Microsoft evangelist, Professor Gordon. It is thought that the deadly exchange was triggered when the arch-technologist suggested a website on ASP.NET:

Kahuna : Firefox has decided not to load that page.
Gordon : Indeed, you will be in the dark forever.
         ASP.NET 2.0 is really neat.
Kahuna : Bah. I will tie you to Ruby on Rails X-(
Gordon : I plan to visit Ruby Falls soon, actually.
Kahuna : A fall can be arranged.
Gordon : Tch tch. http://www.rubyfalls.com.
Kahuna : After the incident, I'll be creating
         http://www.gordonfalls.com.
Gordon : By David Livingstone X-(
Kahuna : Indeed, Go Daddy has parked the domain.
         I will use this to document your fall
         down Ruby Falls.

Kahuna's proposed actions have at least one historical precedent. In Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's short story, The Adventure of the Final Problem, criminal mastermind Professor Moriaty—arch-nemesis of Sherlock Holmes—falls to his doom down the Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland.

Kahuna and Gordon locked horns previously over ASP.NET in The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 6 - Way of the Asp, featuring Julius Caesar and Cleopatra.

Quality Assurance types from the planet Zork may have been harmed during this production.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 9 - Of Unbalanced Dictators and Emergency Services

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- What would happen if the unbalanced dictator of an oppressive regime called emergency services? Kahuna and Professor Gordon conducted research to find out. Here, Kahuna plays the role of the deranged dictator and Gordon, the dispatcher:

Kahuna : 911?
Gordon : Emergency, please provide your name and 
         address.
Kahuna : Kim Il-Jung, Pyongyang, North Korea.
Gordon : What is your emergency?
Kahuna : My nuclear weapon won't detonate.
Gordon : We can't find a match for you sir, is that 
         Kim Jong-Il?
Kahuna : This is an emergency, do you expect me to 
         remember everything?
Gordon : We've got a team on their way with a pack 
         of Viagra right now, sir.
Gordon : Your weapon will detonate.
Kahuna : I don't think you understand: I think the 
         plutonium I purchased is defective.
Gordon : Is that what you call it in Asia, sir?
Kahuna : How dare you insult the Dear Leader!
Kahuna : This is an outrage!
Gordon : You can't be as dear as you sound if you're
         soliciting Viagra.
Kahuna : You will need Viagra once we're through with
         you.
Gordon : There's no need to get abusive, sir.
Kahuna : Tchah! You'll probably turn up here without
         a Geiger counter.
Gordon : I'm told you have your own.

This production was inspired by a recent 911 call made by Professor Gordon. Emergency services responded in under than 5 minutes with one squad car, one ambulance and one firetruck. Clearly, they didn't trust Gordon with his description of the problem and decided to show up en masse. However, in their great haste, they forgot to bring a thermometer.

No weapons-grade plutonium or sildenafil citrate was proliferated during this production.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 8 - The Nuclear Chef

PYONGYANG, North Korea -- News breaking from Pyongyang early this morning has confirmed rumors of a sinister North Korean restaurant franchise: Kim's.

It is learned that nuclear proliferator Ebenezer Gordon has obtained exclusive rights to the franchise and plans to offer a delivery service to all continents other than South America. It is reliably understood that Gordon intends to leverage North Korean missile technology for this purpose.

Widely suspected to be involved in Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il's nuclear weapons program, Gordon has extensive experience in pyrotechnics ranging from polarity-reversed capacitors and missile technology to exploding carburettors. However, this appears to be Gordon's first foray into the restaurant business.

In an interview with Kahuna, Gordon outlined his plans and key challenges:

Kahuna : How is your franchise, Kim's?
Gordon : We're short of some key ingredients.
Kahuna : Enriched tofu?
Gordon : Indeed, and wonton wrappers.
Kahuna : What about the plutonium?
Gordon : That's in stock.
Kahuna : Not in one lot I hope X-(
Gordon : Stacked on top of each other :-P
Kahuna : You're making a critical error X-(
Gordon : Of course, the whole operation could go
         sky high.
Kahuna : This could lead to deadly fallout X-(
Gordon : At least we'll have enough mushroom for
         an entire region.
Kahuna : Your strategy is quite cloudy.
Gordon : On the contrary, we believe in atomic
         transactions.
Kahuna : This could get quite radioactive.

Analysts were quick to point out questionable safety practices and recommended that Gordon be subject to inspection by the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) before a "regrettable incident" occurs.

Gordon scoffed at his critics and announced plans to build a nuclear-powered automobile, taking over where Ford left off with their Ford Nucleon concept car of the 1950's.

KNN will continue to fabricate this developing story.