Unquotable Quotes - Part 35

Gordon is grossly over-used.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, critiquing Gordon's substantial presence in UQ34.

Gah, I feel like Old MacDonald of farm fame: EIEIOO and a blank tile.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, expressing frustration at a highly bogus hand of tiles during an intercontinental game of Scrabble.

Now, when are you leaving your buffalo government and moving to Australia?

— Her Royal Highness, attempting to entice Kahuna to kangaroo politics.

I should take a large polar bear to swat the attendees of my next meeting.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pondering the rare use of an unarmed bear^[1].

Very soon she'll request business class.

— Kahuna, on learning that Gordon's offspring had turned up and requested laptop seating.

Of course this might be a new commode design; Richard Branson has those tilting trains: the Pendolinos; this could be the tilting bog.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on unexpectedly encountering pitch, roll and yaw at sea level while answering a call of nature.

Just in case, I have checked the airline off my preferred list.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on learning of Nepal Airlines sacrificing goats to fix a mechanical problem.

She now effectively executes a short message service and small object deliveries.

— Gordon to Kahuna, revealing his offspring's new solution offerings.

Just wait till she implements MIME support.

— Kahuna, warning Gordon of the things to come.

Perhaps someone should release a rottweiler in parliament.

— Gordon to Kahuna, proposing to deal with the root cause of the domestic dog tax.

Yes, intelligence reported that you lunched at Ahmedinejad's.

— Kahuna, on Gordon lunching at an Iranian restaurant.

Oh you noticed by the phallic style?

— Kahuna, on Gordon's prompt identification of Timmy the Ambidextrous in a photograph.

Did you talk to the other Kahuna? The real one?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, blatantly disregarding the One Kahuna Policy.

You might as well look for a private waterfall at those prices.

— Gordon, commenting on the high cost of Kahuna's bathroom renovation.

Have you finished paying for your dentist's new yacht yet?

— Kahuna, querying the state of Gordon's nautical endodontics.

Er no, we decided not to fund his yacht.

— Gordon to Kahuna, disclosing plans to bail on his dentist.

Try not to hump in the produce aisle.

— Kahuna, learning of a grocery shopping spree by Darth Teddy.

What else is the produce aisle for?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, offering a dubious interpretation grocery shopping.

I'm sure Darth Teddy will teach you all the naughty stuff.

— Kahuna, expressing confidence to Fluke about being appropriately indoctrinated by Darth Teddy.

You've been pointing the camera in the same direction as your anaconda.

— Kahuna, taking Darth Teddy to task for upskirt photographs during the Notting Hill Carnival.

This is a direct violation of our non-proliferation treaty.

— Kahuna, taking Gordon to task for unilaterally raising his speaker count to 65.

Well I need speakers: Placido Domingo et al., don't do house calls.

— Gordon, justifying his high speaker count to Kahuna.

You mean they are showing football?

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna on being told that in-flight entertainment on the Pope's new airline would be religious in nature.

I can't quite picture The Vatican Cardinals, no.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, downplaying the possibility of Benedict XVI mooting a soccer team.

It looks like you're quite capable of doing yourself a serious injury without my help.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy's latest run-in with a cricket ball.

Indeed, it shows that I have a cute butt, that I have conquered most of Europe and that you have a squirrel fetish.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, arriving at a highly unorthodox conclusion from the daily strip of Jef Mallet's Frazz that ran on August 25^th 2007^[1].

Yes, your competitive sporting escapades are well known across Europe.

— Kahuna, taking a dubious view about Darth Teddy's activities across the continent.

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

I couldn't bug you the last two days and am just making my presence felt.

— The Baroness to Kahuna, catching up for lost time.

Your demise by means of a pitchfork-wielding mob of dissatisfied guests is long overdue.

— Kahuna, announcing displeasure at the continued presence of the Baroness.

That idiot has never photographed a human in its life.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, on the Ex-Dictator.

This could spell doom for Durex.

— Kahuna, voicing concern that Darth Teddy would be in hibernation.

Ah, the board of directors of Durex will sigh with relief.

— Kahuna, on receiving new information that Darth Teddy would merely be taking a nap.

I can just picture Al Pacino starring in the story of your life: The Scent of a Bottle.

— Kahuna, discovering Darth Teddy hovering around thirteen crates of JD sent to Bartus Maximus.

^[1] Kahuna's unusual interpretation of the second amendment has been extensively documented.

^[2] This strip, which sadly is no longer available online, depicts a conversation between a kid at Bryson Elementary and Frazz. The kid says, "People love squirrels. People don't like rats. Never dismiss the public relations value of a cute backside." Frazz responds with, "I won't be commenting, please," and the kid adds, "That, and not wiping out the bulk of Europe with the plague."

Kahuna Retreats: Poses Fermentation as Front

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- In a recent turn of events Kahuna has been spotted far far away from the field of battle in a clear act of retreat. Upon this predictable act Kahuna was overheard to be mumbling "my response is fermenting: aging like a fine wine." This is taken to be a feeble attempt at stalling due to a obvious lack of assault tactics.

In other news you might recall Kahuna's dodgy expedition with a certain molecular biologist which was amusingly fronted as a squirrel watching expedition. Well, this past weekend Kahuna was spotted in Wadduwa with this very same molecular biologist. More on this story to come.

Please stay tuned to BNN.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 30

Tell him to bring the charger and come: an industrial charger.

— Vandoofus, challenging Darth Teddy's bid to become the Energizer Bunny.

He wouldn't be a challenge to me even without an initial charge.

— Darth Teddy, reacting to Vandoofus's highly charged challenge.

Indeed, it keeps you on your toes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told he was unmanageable.

The Wii is on the way, complete with strap.

— Kahuna, proposing to deal with Gordon's newly commissioned HDTV.

Very well, I shall check my paws on someone tasty.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being told to keep his paws in check.

Your activities on Mars are noted.

— Kahuna, accusing Gordon of answering a call of nature on Mars after NASA's discovery of recent water on the planet's surface.

Are you responsible for the developing situation in Fiji?

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in a military coup.

People like you should have their mouse confiscated.

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon had bungled a fund transfer by selected the wrong bank branch from a drop-down list.

The details of the plan are unknown: it appears the City's Finest will be counting on the element of surprise.

— Kahuna, informing Gordon of impending traffic bungling in Colombo.

Your refusal to distance yourself from Redmond is noted.

— Kahuna, on Gordon's Microsoft Only policy.

The WE_KNOW_WHAT_WE_ARE_DOING bit is set.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing great disturbance after reviewing Canon's Flash Work website.

They have taken a 64-bit register and set the whole thing, if you ask me.

— Kahuna to Gordon, quantifying the disturbance caused by Canon's Flash Work website.

Nonsense, I am only a risk to the females in the general public.

— Darth Teddy, qualifying Kahuna's allegations of being a risk to the general public.

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

You've soaked the funds in helium have you?

— Kahuna, learning that Gordon was about to transfer floating funds.

Various missives sent from Alpharetta via aircraft, have manifested.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, announcing the arrival of a propaganda from Gordon.

Speak English, man.

— Darth Teddy, exasperated with Kahuna communicating without conveying information.

He's sent a letter by airmail.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, reluctantly switching to standard English.

You mean you're in the garbage bin?

— Darth Teddy, learning that Kahuna was indisposed.

Why is that idiot building an airport in the middle of nowhere?

— Gordon to Kahuna, raising serious concerns about Weerawila International.

It's helping Hambantota. Now you can visit the Yala easily.

— Kahuna to Gordon, justifying Weerawila International.

I have been vindicated: squirrel research is mainstream.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, defending his research interests.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

Is this like Han Solo starting up the Millennium Falcon by beating on it?

— Kahuna, learning that Darth Teddy's was still starting up his computer.

Han Solo would be in hyperspace by now.

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Darth Teddy's continued absence.

Dubious Activity Towards the South

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- Amidst several attempts to syndicate this news item we at BNN have finally been able uphold justice through this exclusive. As may of you are aware the Kahuna (Big) has been posting a number of dodgy pictures portraying furry rat-like creatures known to some of you as squirrels. However, we at BNN have exclusive behind the scenes footage (amongst very wet conditions) of what actually transpired during this R-rated weekend of "squirrel photography."

Two weeks ago on an undercover dining expedition with Kahuna (Big) by one of our star reporters, Kahuna let slip some very interesting information about an expedition that he undertook, under very wet conditions. This expedition took him 45 minutes away from his abode (which is also in the depths of the jungle) further into oblivion to a location aptly named Ben(d)tota. The general public thus far has been tactfully subjected to images of these furry creatures as a front to the actual goings on.

Our start reporter, DT we shall call him, almost fell out (or was he pushed) of the vehicle he was traveling in at the time when Kahuna revealed sensitive information to the effect of not, I repeat NOT engaging in this expedition alone. *Gasp*

In order to negate any further suspense we can now reveal that Kahuna (Big) did in fact engage in this expedition with a thus unnamed Molecular Biologist. Unfortunately, we were unable to ascertain the name of this biologist. However, we must stress that a very noticeable blush was released right after Kahuna (Big) uttered the word "molecular."

Of course there were strong denials that anything slippery went on in the space that was shared within this squirrel and biologist infested arena. This was widely expected as almost no one admits to a good time with fur and molecules together.

Unfortunately, no further information could be squeezed out of the now blushing Kahuna (Big) due to recognition of his blunder. We at BNN will however attempt to follow up on this exclusive and try to gain much more juicy information.

We must stress that other than obscene imagery of the furry rat-like creatures, no squirrels were harmed during this expedition, but unfortunately no guarantee can be given to any molecules or biologists in question. We hope you have enjoyed this breaking news and until next time... good night.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 29

That's why they call me the Energizer Bunny.

— Vandoofus, establishing his credentials.

No, no, my snake was played with a while ago.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, pleading no contest to snake charming.

Unbloggable content usually implies me.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, attempting to amass rights to all questionable content.

Do you want half-naked pics of Darth Teddy posted on the Circus?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, lobbying for a private blog.

I don't want them posted anywhere.

— Vandoofus, vetoing Kahuna's bid for a private blog.

I see you're engaging in religious observances.

— Kahuna, noting Darth Teddy engrossed in premier league football.

Nonsense, your accusations are false: I never stopped.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, on being accused of being on the prowl again.

Your imagination should be put on a leash.

— Gordon, seething over Kahuna's latest defamatory posting.

You will note I am entitled to pay tax here, but not to vote.

— Gordon to Kahuna, taking a dim view of the land of the free.

Now all we need is to interface this with the ICBM guidance system.

— Kahuna to Darth Ching, proposing ballistic missile delivery to IP address using www.ip-adress.com.

Having an accident in the rain in a 150 mph device with a load of lithium-ion batteries could get quite interesting.

— Gordon, assessing the impact of a high-speed collision in a Tesla Roadster under wet weather conditions.

Will these batteries be made by the explosives manufacturer, Sony?

— Kahuna, querying the source of the Tesla Roadster's lithium-ion batteries.

Are you lighting the bonfires? No doubt you will be leading the cattle home shortly.

— Kahuna, seeking to implicate Gordon in an ancient Samhain ritual.

I have stockpiled chocolate.

— Gordon, announcing preparations for Halloween.

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

As whom are you dressing up tonight? Or will you be scaring people as is?

— Kahuna, questioning Gordon's Halloween dress code.

Your broomstick license has been approved; keep out of the no fly zones.

— Kahuna, announcing FAA clearance for Gordon's B-82 Stratosweeper.

Someone should stick a broomstick up your ass.

— Gordon, proposing to deal with Kahuna à la Rumsfeld.

You will also note that capacitor polarities are clearly marked on the board.

— Kahuna to Gordon, pointing out significant safety features of the Apple iMac G5 midplane.

Like a nuclear winter.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being asked about the weather in Tehran.

Did you try multi-party talks?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on being told of Gordon's refusal to negotiate.

Is that like an orgy?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on the definition of multi-party talks.

Oh, I was chatting with Gordon yesterday. He is still determined to pursue nuclear technology.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, noting a breakdown in multi-party talks.

A Plutonium Delight?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, suggesting a deadly dessert from Kim's.

Yeah, topped with caesium.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, selecting a decidedly explosive topping for the Plutonium Delight.

We will go for option one, option two seems too easy.

— Darth Teddy, opting for the Sour Cream Apple Pie with Streusel Topping rather than the Ice Cream with Rum Sauce for dessert at Kahuna's.

Keep an eye on the tart.

— DCI Kahuna, instructing DS Darth Teddy to place an apple pie in the oven under surveillance.

I'm taking a break from females.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, announcing an abrupt policy reversal.

Squirrels might not have been harmed, but I'm sure a few were blinded.

— Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of Kahuna's squirrel photography.

Hogwash. I've always been armed with a pencil and ruler.

— Kahuna, denying Darth Teddy's allegations of not knowing when to draw the line.

It looks like they've missed the polonium while they were confiscating liquids.

— Kahuna, commenting on radiation being detected aboard British Airways aircraft after the Litvinenko affair.

Now you'll be frisked with a Geiger counter at the airport and all those Rolex watches with radium dials confiscated.

— Gordon, predicting an elevated level of lunacy in air travel.

Do you think my portrayal of Kim in KGM9 is Oscar-worthy?

— Kahuna to Gordon, eying an Academy Award for his role as an unstable despot.

It's interesting that none of your bungles are included.

— Darth Teddy, accusing Kahuna of expunging His unquotable quotes from the official record.

Would you like me to align Saturn in a more favorable manner so you can proceed?

— Kahuna, offering to move planets to mobilize a procrastinating Gordon.

Squirrel Antics

 
 
 
 
 
 

Squirrel Antics (Copyright (cc) 2006 B Kahuna)

BENTOTA, Sri Lanka -- Squirrels frolic and pose for Kahuna at the Bentota Beach Hotel. More squirrel photographs posted to the Flickr Group Pool.

Captured on November 19^th 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority.  

The Kahuna-Darth Teddy Messages: Part 2 - The Way of the Squirrel

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- We now reveal a conversation between known squirrel-sympathizer Kahuna and Darth Teddy, a vociferous proponent of the anti-squirrel lobby:

Kahuna      : In other news, I visited Bentota during 
              the weekend.
Darth Teddy : Ah, I see.
Kahuna      : Indeed. The Bentota Beach Hotel to be 
              precise.
Darth Teddy : What for?
Kahuna      : To photograph squirrels.
Darth Teddy : I see X-(
Darth Teddy : Completely bogus.
Kahuna      : Now, now X-(
Kahuna      : I have NB-complete photographs of 
              squirrels.
Darth Teddy : Nonsense, all photographs of squirrels 
              are bogus by default.
Kahuna      : This is a highly contentious argument.
Kahuna      : You will explain your thesis X-(
Darth Teddy : It’s not as argument. It’s a fact.
Kahuna      : Nonsense, you do not have evidence to 
              establish an axiom.
Darth Teddy : Having to travel 45 minutes in wet 
              conditions to photograph rat-like 
              creatures is evidence enough X-(
Kahuna      : X-(
Kahuna      : I will take you on an expedition to the
              Sinharaja to photograph leeches if you 
              persist with your thesis X-(
Darth Teddy : At least I haven't been there.
Kahuna      : !@#$@#$#@$'
Kahuna      : You're getting to be a handful early in 
              the morning X-(
Darth Teddy : You are engaging in bogus expeditions.
Kahuna      : Bah! I have every right to engage in 
              photography of squirrels X-(
Darth Teddy : Indeed, I did not say that it was illegal 
              to be insane.
Kahuna      : You're quite unruly this morning X-(
Darth Teddy : This is all your doing.
Kahuna      : I think your anaconda is not getting out 
              enough X-(
Darth Teddy : I think yours hasn't gotten out at all.
Kahuna      : That's what you think.
Darth Teddy : You might want to blog this conversation.

The conversation become completely unbloggable from this point onwards and will be reserved for Kahuna's memoirs, significant chapters of which will be dedicated towards the antics of Darth Teddy.

No squirrels were harmed during the course of this production.

Scampering Squirrel

Scampering Squirrel (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2006)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A squirrel carrying a large piece of coconut husk scampers across the side of a polytunnel greenhouse.

Captured on 10^th September 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on aperture priority (f/5.6) and shutter speed of 1/1250^th of a second at ISO 400. The posted image has been post-processed to fix lighting and color.