"Kahuna" Distilling Hooch

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- A suprise raid conducted by The Real Kahuna on "Kahuna"'s premises yesterday uncovered a covert facility for the distilling of illicit liquor. The raid was conducted following the indication of a high level of activity on the spy satellite that monitors the compound. Initial suspicions were that "Kahuna" was building a "dirty" bomb despite numerous parties suggesting that his capabilities were far more limited.

The entire facility was deviously disguised as a cucumber-growing operation. However the lack of any form of vegetation in the "greenhouse" led to suspicion that there was more to the operation than met the eye.

Investigations at the hidden end of the 'greenhouse' revealed an elaborate system of tanks, pumps, filters and automated switches used for the distilling process. Attempts were made to photograph the equipment only to be met with a swarm of killer mosquitoes and guard-dogs who promptly drove us out of the premises.

It is unknown what the output of the brewery is. Although queries were made about maximum throughput, "Kahuna" refused to divulge any information. "Kahuna"'s dazed appearance at the time of the raid let to (as yet unconfirmed) speculation that he had been sampling the goods just a short while earlier.

Reference Pizza Announced

HARTFORD, Former Connecticut -- In a press release issued today, Kahuna hailed a decision by Italy to unveil the Reference Pizza. Reminiscing on disastrous pizza experiences at numerous restaurants, He said that it was about time action was taken to delete bogus pizza joints from the surface of the planet.

Locations known to have offered bad Pizza are Itza Pizza (the pizza machine broke down when customers ordered pizza), Latin Lizard (new name, same old pizza machine), the Pizzeria (required power-tools to cut the pizza and plates with brakes to prevent them from sliding around in the ambiance of force 6 winds) and of course the esteemed Pizza Hut franchise, where the most bogus pizza on the planet can be found.

In what was considered the last straw, Kahuna blacklisted Pizza Hut by an edict dated 19th January 2004:

I'm forced to issue this advisory after having the most bogus pizza on the planet at messers Pizza Hut. The seafood did not taste of anything having spent time in the sea and the chicken seemed to be more cheese than anything else. In fact the food matched the decor quite well in lack of taste. An autonomous fly buzzing around did not help matters either. Due to the above-mentioned facts, I'm hereby declaring Pizza Hut B-complete. This establishment is now black-listed.

If anyone dares to question this order, I will send a team of Menehune to deal with them.

By Order of Kahuna
[Temporarily operating from the Palace of the Revolution, Havana, Cuba]

The complete story on Pizza standards reported by CNN is below:

Friday, May 28, 2004 Posted: 0240 GMT (1040 HKT)

ROME, Italy (AP) -- Pizza-makers beware: Italy has issued strict guidelines to protect the real Napoletana pizza from bogus copies. The regulations touch on everything from size to ingredients to the type of oven -- and rule-abiding restaurants will receive a special label attesting that real pizza can be eaten there.

The rules, issued by the Agriculture Ministry, are part of Italy's efforts to protect its cuisine across the European Union, although it was not immediately clear what steps would be taken for enforcement.

The guidelines, eight articles printed Tuesday in the country's Official Gazette, rule that real Napoletana pizza must be round, no more than 35 centimeters (14 inches) in diameter, no thicker than 0.3 centimeters (0.1 inches) in the middle and with a crust of about 2 centimeters (0.8 inches).

"The texture must be soft, elastic, easily foldable," the guidelines say.

The norms also specify what kind of flour, yeast, tomatoes and oil must be used. They recognize only three types of real Neapolitan pizza: Marinara, with garlic and oregano; Margherita, with basil and mozzarella cheese from the southern Apennines; and extra-Margherita, with fresh tomatoes, basil and buffalo mozzarella from Campania, the region that includes pizza's hometown, Naples.

The dough must be rolled out manually and baked in wood-burning ovens that can reach the required temperature of 485 Celsius (905 Fahrenheit).

The regulations were approved after surveying pizza-makers in Naples and surrounding areas. Restaurants that abide by the rules will get a label saying their pizza is a "guaranteed traditional specialty."

"These norms protect one of the most ancient and most important gastronomic traditions," said Antonio Pace, owner of one of Naples' oldest pizza restaurants and the president of a pizza-makers' association.

"We don't want the others not to make pizza, only we want them to make it as we make it -- as it should be done," he said Wednesday.

The ANSA news agency estimated that of 23,000 pizza restaurants in Italy -- which make 56 million pizzas each week -- about 200 would seek the certification immediately.

But Pace said he expects the vast majority of restaurants will adhere to the rules to get the label.

Financial daily Il Sole 24 Ore, which like many other Italian newspapers devoted a front-page story Wednesday to the pizza rules, described the move as "an act of love, but a desperate one."

"Pizza is now a stateless, boundless, flag-less food," it said.

Kahuna Launches Photoblogging

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Hot on the heels of syndication, Kahuna has launched photoblogging for the Circus. Images can now be blogged directly to the Circus using Picasa's Hello software. Kahuna, regarded as a photographic menace, has declared this technology to be NB-complete.


Kahuna's experiments with slow shutter speeds using a Sony DSC-V1 (capable of subtracting the Holy Dark Frame) can be seen above. Posted by Hello

El Gordo Spotted in the Hills

PERADENIYA, Sri Lanka -- Unconfirmed sightings of El Gordo have been reported from this sleepy university town nestled in the hills of Sri Lanka. A person matching the de Broglie transform of El Gordo and identifying himself as Professor Gordon has been seen roaming the hallowed grounds of the university.

An eye-witness said that the bespectacled Gordon was clad in a white tee-shirt and "trying hard to look academic" as he traversed the faculty buildings in what was apparently a Hamiltonian circuit. Experts were at a loss to explain this behavior, but mused that finding such a circuit was an NP-complete problem, suggesting that more Gordon sightings were likely.

Attempts to contact the Vice Chancellor were unsuccessful, but his Gardner made a statement that given Gordon's considerable mass, he may be attempting to tip the Earth Orbit Interference (EOI) threshold by walking a Hamiltonian path. The Head of the Department of Mathematics, however, dismissed this idea as "ludicrous" and added that "We're all being taken up the garden path!" When asked if this path was also Hamiltonian, he turned a deep shade of purple and ended the interview abruptly with a series of wild hand gestures. Professor Gordon could not be located for comment.

El Gordo in Illegal Mining Bid

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Arch-villain El Gordo now known as the Patient, has been confined to his rural hideout once more due to a severe case of respiratory illness. A high-profile falling out with the Bacteria Congress over a botched attempt to incapacitate Kahuna is thought to be behind this latest bout of bronchial bogosity.

The report filed earlier today also indicated that the Patient has utilized the Inter-Cough Gap (ICG) to unveil the Ganemulla Institute of Technology (GIT), better known as Galtech. Although, the purpose of the institute was not immediately clear, sources indicated that the Patient was engaged in illegal quarrying and possibly mining bauxite in an attempt to cash in on the soaring aluminium futures market.

Monkey Business Exposed

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- Reporting on the continuing drama of the Temple of the Monkey, the Daily Bogon, regarded as the New York Times of the East, spake thus:

There was high drama on the eve of the election of a Deputy Speaker of Parliament today when Jathika Hela Urumaya MP Ven. Kathaluwe Rathanasara Thera who voted with the Government during the election of the Speaker on April 22 was mercilessly beaten up dragged out of his temple and abducted by a gang of six monks at Rawathawatta, Moratuwa last night.

Although, the fundamental components of the Temple of the Monkey were believed to be monks and monkeys (by the Monster's First Law) it has now come to light that the monks are indeed a hitherto undiscovered species of primate, distinct from and subordinate to Macaca sinica. The monkey, it appears is a far more evolved cousin of the monk, given publicly demonstrated instances of behavior.

In related developments, the collective noun for a group of monks was declared to be a gang.

Kahuna Syndicates the Circus

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In ground-breaking developments, Kahuna today announced the syndication of the Circus blog in partnership with Blogger, FeedBurner and Yahoo.

Under the new arrangement, Blogspot will provide an Atom feed of the Circus at the Site Feed URL, enabling any Atom client direct access to the blog.

The Atom feed will also be extracted by FeedBurner and republished in Really Simple Syndication (RSS) format allowing a multitude of clients seamless access to the blog.

Subscribe to the Circus feed through My Yahoo:


The RSS feed is available at:


Experts believe this latest development is part of Kahuna's aggressive strategy to consolidate his position and vanquish the dastardly master criminal El Gordo. When pressed for a comment, Kahuna responded with a hearty "BUWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Vandoofus Work Sloppy, Charges Kahuna

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In late-breaking news, Kahuna accused Vandoofus Technology Services of sloppy ad-concealment work, stating that His personal intervention became necessary to clean up the blog template. Sources close to Kahuna remarked that "They couldn't even get the color right and a little bit of the ad was sticking out."

Bauxite Demand Soars Amidst El Gordo Controversy

LONDON, United Kingdom -- The International Aluminium Institute today revealed an unexpected surge in bauxite demand due to primary aluminium production being driven to record highs.

Industry analysts suspected that this was a consequence of master criminal El Gordo’s attempts at world domination being foiled once again yesterday. A spokesperson for the Institute said that El Gordo should be thwarted more often adding that “It’s good for the foil business.”

However, a highly placed industry source disagreed, saying that the bumper harvest of Idaho potatoes and Kahuna’s cheese and potato food festival was more likely the root cause behind surging demand, as consumers scrambled to bake potatoes in their jackets.

The aluminium futures markets rallied strongly at midday and Kahuna, suspected to have extensive investments in bauxite mines, was widely expected to make a killing.

Kahuna Seeking to Increase Size

KAHUNAVILLE, NC - To compensate for the poor quality of the blog’s substance by its main contributor, Kahuna has invested heavily on improving its look-and-feel in a desperate attempt to increase the blog’s membership size. Thanks to Google’s new templates along with the new features, Kahuna has managed to give the blog a whole new life. The ugly green splattered all over your monitor among a hideous dark blue gives the blog a new feel. Its new features such as being able to blog via mail and having the ability to comment on the postings are attractive to the users and I am certain will be used extensively. However, we are yet to see if there will be a significant increasing in the participation or the size of the membership.

El Gordo Indisposed

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- Monstrous sources revealed that the False Prophet was confined to his rural hideout due to a some species of infection of the lower respiratory tract. Pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline has been implicated in providing life-support services.

Hidden Hand Revealed Behind Breakthrough in El Gordo Case

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In an unexpected twist to the El Gordo affair, it was revealed that the hidden (and presumably gloved) hand of latex magnate Maximillian Bartus was behind the uncovering of El Gordo's plans for world domination. Sources speaking on the condition of anonymity said that a long-running feud between Bartus and El Gordo was responsible for this latest turn of events. When contacted, the gloved one denied involvement and said his lips were sealed. El Gordo was leading the FBI in a high-speed car chase across state lines without hands-free capability and declined comment.

Circus Re-launched!

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In breaking news, the Circus has been given a re-launch using the latest technology from Blogger.com. It should be noted that some elements in the Bogusan Empire objected to the use of the color green in a previous template, raising questions in pachydermal circles.

FBI Manhunt for El Gordo - Scheme for World Domination Exposed

REDWOOD SHORES, Republic of California -- The FBI issued an APB for the fugitive known as El Gordo (aka the False Prophet, Real Kahuna, Softie) late yesterday, when it was discovered that El Gordo had ties to an international shipping scandal.

The covert operation, which could signal the swansong of courier giants Federal Express (NYSE:FDX), involved the random routing of packages back and forth between FedEx locations, in an attempt to interfere with the planet's orbit.

In a stakeout of a FedEx regional office in Southern California yesterday, which resulted in the capture of two Illegal Mexicans, a cache of polarity-reversed capacitors and a blow-up sex doll, FBI investigators found evidence that led back to El Gordo's rural hideout in Sri Lanka.

Apparently the criminal mastermind had devised a dastardly scheme whereby incorrectly addressed packages would be dispatched via FedEx, thus causing a recursive rerouting of said packages between various FedEx shipping locations. FBI analysts believe that if the number of such malicious packages inserted into the system reach a specific threshold value, the planet's orbit could be severely impacted, thereby causing a global catastrophe.

In a press conference later in the day, the FBI released a FedEx Routing Slip which was associated with one such package.

The contents of the packages are as yet undetermined, but it is believed that the blow-up doll was contained in one of the malicious packages.

Criminal experts speculate that this latest move from the notorious Gordo is in line with his plans for world domination and the renaming of his rural hideout Kendaliyaddapaluwa, Ganemulla as the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

El Gordo was unavailable for comment, given his recent fugitive status following his escape from a New York State Penitentiary where he was being detained on unrelated charges of vandalism.

Kahuna Denies Allegations, Strikes Back

TEMPLE OF KAHUNA, Jerusalem -- In a press release issued this morning, Kahuna categorically denied allegations of romantic interludes leveled by what he termed "malicious interests acting in concert." Adding that the allegations were vile, untruthful and completely baseless, Kahuna promised to bring the perpetrators to an untimely end. In what was considered a strategic move related to recent events, Kahuna has struck a deal with LoudCloud and will be testifying for the plaintiff in the sordid matter of LoudCloud v. Vandoofus. Vandoofus stands charged with promiscuous blogging in what is widely expected to be a long-drawn legal challenge. Legal experts cautioned that this latest move would be a blow considering Kahuna's knowledge of Vandoofus's [use of apostrophe approved by Strunk & White] reputedly colorful past. They added that Kahuna could indeed rock the boat and cause chaos. Vandoofus was holed-up with his legal team and was not reachable for comment.

The Words of the Prophets are Written on the Subway Walls?

MANHATTAN, New York -- An unidentified man calling himself the "Real Kahuna," was taken into custody last night by officers of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) on charges of loitering about 34th Street-Penn Station and defacing the premises with a can of spray paint. The so-called "Real Kahuna" insisted that he was fully justified in his actions adding that the words of the prophets were allegedly written on the subway walls. Officers of the MTA apparently refused to right-justify his beliefs and locked up the perpetrator pending a court appearance later today. The can of paint has been confiscated to prevent any further prophecies manifesting themselves. A spokesman for the MTA added that while the self-styled prophet's words were certainly profane, they were hardly profound and had no serious literary merit. Attempts to reach Paul Simon have been unsuccessful.

Kahuna admits to relationship

AP BREAKING NEWS, Colombo, Sri Lanka - In subsequent developments, Kahuna has admitted to the relationship with the female subject and has divulged her name. But for security reasons, - that is for the safety of the author – her name will remain unpublished.

Kahuna in a relationship?

AP-Colombo, Sri Lanka - Rumors have emerged that the Supreme command di-Area, carried out a secret rendezvous with a subject whom he has known since the days of his tertiary education. Despite the fact the subject was a female, It is possible that Kahuna may be in apparent relationship which could be romantic in nature. Although the rumors have been circulating for a number of years, these have become more frequent and informative over the last few days. A close acquaintance of both and Kahuna and the female perpetrator told AP in condition of anonymity, that the two have been meeting in locations around the city. According to unreliable witnesses the two were seen in compromising positions what would be generally regarded as uncharacteristic of Kahuna who spends most of his time conducting scientific experiments on animals.

Kahuna and the subject in question did not immediately return calls requesting further clarification and Kahuna has divulged little or no information on his blog site.

False Prophet Exiled

BOGUSAN EMPIRE, Colombo -- In a press release issued today, the subhuman resources division of the Bogusan Empire declared that the False Prophet aka El Gordo has been exiled to the 15th floor of World Trade Center with immediate effect. This latest move comes amidst collapsing ceilings and security concerns at the headquarters of the Empire. Sources familiar with the move said that the floor of the tower had been specifically reinforced to bear the considerable mass of the new occupant. Structural analysts criticized the move on grounds of shear weight and proposed a counter-balance consisting of the Goodyear Blimp. El Gordo responded with a "Bah!" in what was apparently C minor when pressed for a comment.

Sony's Talking Wonderbot

MANHATTAN, New York - When a Robot stands outside the NY tech center of one of the biggest electronic manufacturing conglomerates, you expect it to be … well, a robot. You would think it would be packed with semiconductor technology perhaps running artificial software with ability to respond and interact to simple external inputs. But not only did the dim-witted piece of machinery lack the sophistication of Asimo and the other futuristic humanoid robots but was also a fake. It also looked more like the colonel Sanders with the head replaced with a coconut. But despite its hideous appearance one would still expect the silly looking contraption to be a real robot capable of constructing a few words on it's own that would make it appear intelligent. It was with deep disappointment I discovered it was in fact a man inside a room with a set of cameras, a mic and a cheat sheet. One would expect more from Sony! Doesn't Sony make calculators? The man couldn’t even do simple division. Wonder what is inside my Sony digital camera? A high school dropout?

Vandoofus Technology Services Nets Deal

HARTFORD, Disputed Territories of Connecticut -- In late-breaking news, Vandoofus Technology Services Inc., have won a multi-million mega-buck deal to provide ad-concealing technology to the Circus. Banner ads will not be visible with immediate effect. While the precise terms of the arrangement have not been made public, industry insiders spoke of rumors involving a bumper harvest of potatoes and a shipment of Gorgonzola. A spokesperson for Vandoofus Technology Services refused to comment on these speculations, but added that they were indeed a big cheese. In related developments, titles have also been enabled for posts. May the farce be with us!

False Prophet a Charlatan, Says Kahuna

KENDALIYADDAPALUWA, Ganemulla -- El Profeta Falso aka "Real Kahuna" has proven to be a charlatan without access to even the Weather Channel. The False Prophet has now begun calling the general public in different parts of the island to determine if it is raining in the locality. A tropical storm has been diverted to Kendaliyaddapaluwa to dispatch the public nuisance. He won't see it coming. Heh heh heh...

Vandoofus Charged with Promiscuous Blogging

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- The supreme command of the LoudCloud Blog today filed charges of promiscuous blogging against Vandoofus. It was alleged that Vandoofus spent excessive time on other blogs, thus seriously compromising his fiduciary responsibilities to LoudCloud. Stay tuned for further developments.

False Prophet Causes Highway Pile-up

PELIYAGODA, Sri Lanka -- Police sources revealed today that the False Prophet was responsible for a three car pile-up that caused traffic chaos for hours on the main highway last week. The incident was quickly hushed up at the time and came to light only today. It is alleged the False Prophet rear-ended a vehicle at speed, causing it to slam into the vehicle in front. The Sri Lanka Police, acting in a non-bogus manner have confiscated the driver's license of the False Prophet and it is now believed that he will be hauled before a court of law on charges of reckless driving and poor understanding of Newton's laws of motion. Sources close to the so-called "Real Kahuna," have revealed that he is now driving around without a license in contravention of the highway code.

AP-KOTMALE, Sri Lanka - Breaking news coming to us from news sources in Kotmale area indicate that Kahuna has been involved in a unfortunate incident involving a fairly large bull. While on his expedition to Kotmale to research the bestiality between man and cow, Kahuna was reported attacked by the bull and have sustained injury. Kahuna is, however, in fair condition recovering at a nearby hospital. The circumstances of the accident are still sketchy and we will bring you more details as they are available. According to witnesses, Kahuna was wearing the black and white suit he was reported seen wearing earlier and a pair of bull horns. In a press briefing after the incident, a spokensman for Kahuna said he would continue his study on dogs after his return to Colombo. However, the spoksman added, he could not speculate when Kahuna will be well enough to travel back to Colombo.