REDWOOD SHORES, Republic of California -- The FBI issued an APB for the fugitive known as El Gordo (aka the False Prophet, Real Kahuna, Softie) late yesterday, when it was discovered that El Gordo had ties to an international shipping scandal.
The covert operation, which could signal the swansong of courier giants Federal Express (NYSE:FDX), involved the random routing of packages back and forth between FedEx locations, in an attempt to interfere with the planet's orbit.
In a stakeout of a FedEx regional office in Southern California yesterday, which resulted in the capture of two Illegal Mexicans, a cache of polarity-reversed capacitors and a blow-up sex doll, FBI investigators found evidence that led back to El Gordo's rural hideout in Sri Lanka.
Apparently the criminal mastermind had devised a dastardly scheme whereby incorrectly addressed packages would be dispatched via FedEx, thus causing a recursive rerouting of said packages between various FedEx shipping locations. FBI analysts believe that if the number of such malicious packages inserted into the system reach a specific threshold value, the planet's orbit could be severely impacted, thereby causing a global catastrophe.
In a press conference later in the day, the FBI released a FedEx Routing Slip which was associated with one such package.
The contents of the packages are as yet undetermined, but it is believed that the blow-up doll was contained in one of the malicious packages.
Criminal experts speculate that this latest move from the notorious Gordo is in line with his plans for world domination and the renaming of his rural hideout Kendaliyaddapaluwa, Ganemulla as the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.
El Gordo was unavailable for comment, given his recent fugitive status following his escape from a New York State Penitentiary where he was being detained on unrelated charges of vandalism.
No comments:
Post a Comment