PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Hello, here we are once again. Kahuna is still incapacitated due to what has now been identified as a malfunction in cranial nerve V. He has been prescribed medication with side-effects seemingly more dangerous than His ailment, possibly an indication that the medical profession is out to get Him. The perception of sound a semitone lower than the actual pitch is among some of the more exotic of these side-effects. This bit of information led an early morning squabble with Professor Gordon:
Kahuna (K): Wallop()
Gordon (G): The bipolar tone-deaf idiot X-(
K: I will feed you iron filings and send you for an MRI scan X-(
G: I will drive you nuts with a tuning fork :-P
K: Do you know what I'll do to you with your tuning fork? X-(
G: Given your bipolar nature, it's quite difficult to predict :-D
K: Good, I'll have the element of surprise >:-)
G: Retard X-(
K: Heh heh heh.
Readers would probably be relieved to learn that Kahuna does not suffer from a bipolar disorder as alleged by Gordon. His perception of 261.626 Hz as middle C also remains unchanged at the time of writing. Despite a rather rocky start, the discussion soon moved into more important topics; namely, Gordon's plans to host a family reunion in the continental United States:
G: In other news PO, MO and Cl Sibling are plotting a visit to these parts.
K: What steps will you take to counterbalance the global CF[1] shift?
G: The Monster may also converge on Atlanta.
K: Should I repeat my question? X-(
G: I might have to send Vandoofus to Madagascar to compensate.
K: Madagascar? I believe it is currently mucking about in New Zealand X-(
G: Ah, in that case we have balance.
K: A precarious one if you ask me: someone farting at the CNN Center could easily upset the whole thing.
G: PO's acquisition of a chainsaw sent his CF through the roof.
K: And you want Vandoofus to compensate? X-(
G: Vandoofus's CF was established sans power tools. If he gets a power tool, we'll have to cover him in concrete à la Chernobyl X-(
K: Are you sure PO won't pack his chainsaw? X-(
G: Er no, however, he might acquire upgrades at the Home Depot X-(
K: I didn't realize a concrete sarcophagus could contain CF X-(
G: Would you like to be encased in one to disprove the theory?
K: Bah, nonsense: the burden of proof is upon you; it will be joined by a medium-sized hippo if you're not careful.
G: Hippos are quite violent X-(
K: Precisely. I'm counting on it to take offence at the arrangements right from the outset.
[After a considerable pause]
K: Did it finish you off? :-P
G: Er no, I am gathering documents for the Hon Consul X-(
The discussion was adjourned, thereafter, on account of the late hour in Alpharetta. No hippopotomi were harmed during this production. However, Kahuna reserves the right to deal with Gordon using a badly tuned grand piano.
[1] For the uninitiated, CF means Clown Factor, a quantification of the clown nature. The SI unit for measurement of CF is the Kern (Kn) and interested readers will find more details in ISO Reiterates SI Unit for Clown Factor.
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