PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Greetings, carbon-based and other lifeforms! We're back after many months of peace and quiet—just when you thought it safe to venture out. While we apologize for absconding, we must point out in our own defense that global bogosity has reached unprecedented levels, necessitating a full manual override of the planet. This, you will no doubt appreciate, is a potentially perilous proposition punctuated by petulant porcupines. Not to mention cacti on ballistic trajectories and medical practitioners armed with flashlights.
Fortunately, despite these goings on, Kahuna and Professor Gordon found the time to have one of their infamous conversations last December. This time, they ended up defining a new unit of measure that was, in hindsight, desperately needed:
Kahuna (K): A clown looked at my National ID Card and commented that I look like KT Frog X-(
Gordon (G): This is appropriate.
K: X-(
K: Thump(), mode=miss_piggy
G: Hi-ya?
K: Precisely X-(
G: Are you in drag X-(
K: No X-(
G: I see; I was just curious given the Miss Piggy emulation.
K: That was merely to thump you; You have to admit she was quite effective.
G: Indeed.
K: This could be a unit of measure.
G: The Piggy?
K: The Piggy.
G: As a measure of effectiveness?
K: Hmm, or force.
G: Force is already established by Newton, Pascal et al X-(
K: So? X-(
G: There is no unit for effectiveness.
K: And how would this be defined X-(
G: If you get the job done, that's 1 Piggy.
K: Get the job done? X-(
G: Indeed. For example, B Obama's campaign manager gets 1.36 Pg.
K: And McCain's? X-(
G: -1 Pg
K: I see X-(
G: This HeatSync® 2500 Mini-Client gets 1.223 Pg for creating tanha.
K: And GWB?
G: About 0.68 Pg, I think.
While Kahuna would question Gordon's unduly generous assessment of George W Bush, few would dare challenge the credentials of Miss Piggy—reputed to hold a pink belt in Pig Wan Do—when it comes to thumping people. Among her many victims have been Kermit and Gonzo, Tony Randall, an environmental inspector and even some cat burglers. It is, therefore, indeed apt that the Piggy (Pg) be named in her honor as the new international (SI) unit for measurement of effectiveness.
Unidentified, self-proclaimed pundits speaking to KNN said that this announcement could not have come at a better time given the prevailing heights of global bogosity. They added that Kahuna and Professor Gordon are no strangers to the dark art of quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. More than eight years ago, Professor Gordon formally declared the Kern (Kn) to be standard unit for measurement of Clown Factor (CF).
The Muppet Show, created by the late Jim Henson, is as funny today as it was when it debuted more than thirty years ago, long before the use of computers in animation and special effects. His characters also appeared on the long-running children's television series, Sesame Street. The muppets' tribute to Henson at his funeral was later described in a LIFE Magazine article by Stephanie Harrigan as an epic and almost unbearably moving event.
Here's to Jim Henson and his puppeteers!
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