ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Today we bring you the much-anticipated pilot episode of Gordon, P.I., the new detective thriller starring arch-zoologist and percussive taxidermist, Professor Ebenezer Gordon.
It began like any other day in Alpharetta, but soon hit a rather sticky note when Gordon discovered mysterious lollipop smears on his piano, which were not deemed necessary for the normal functioning of the instrument. After pausing to break the silence with an explosive sound reminiscent of a diesel engine backfiring in the early hours, Gordon leaped into action and quickly surveyed the scene of the crime.
Satisfying himself that a hidden, albeit sticky, hand was responsible for the act of vandalism, Gordon meticulously listed the possible suspects and quickly eliminated the flying monkeys and the Easter Bunny using tried and tested methods handed down by Sherlock Holmes. Gordon concluded that, after eliminating the impossible, the evidence pointed to none other than his daughter being the mastermind behind the dastardly deed. Regular readers will recall that Gordon's daughter is quite a clown and her previous antics are documented elsewhere on the Circus.
Gordon recounted the incident to Kahuna after concluding his initial investigations and this is how the conversation went:
Gordon (G): My daughter has covered the holy piano keyboard in lollipop X-(
Kahuna (K): What flavor? X-(
G: @#$#@%@#%@$%@#$@#$@#$@#$ strawberry X-(
K: By the Tooth Fairy X-(
K: Have you taken her to task? X-(
G: Indeed, she has denied involvement X-(
K: Does she have an alibi? X-(
G: Nothing concrete: I threatened to return the device to the store if a repeat occurrence happens to which she responded, "Okay, okaaaaaay *sigh*."
K: So you're unable to make a case by the Boulder, Colorado Police Department? X-(
G: Indeed.
K: Have you removed the evidence?
G: Indeed, there's still a little left on the C# key X-(
K: And you propose to leave this?
G: Er no, this was cleaned too.
K: This fiasco may give the local ant colony a reason to invade X-(
G: Actually there are no ants in these parts.
K: A good enough reason to establish a local colony in which case.
G: X-(
K: Heh heh.
K: How many octaves did she cover? :-P
G: A complete octave from middle C X-(
K: She restricted herself to a single octave? X-(
G: Indeed X-(
K: By Wolfgang Amadeus X-(
K: And the device was operating when the incident occurred?
G: She turns it on every time she walks by, as she does with most household electronics X-(
K: This is most disturbing by Al Gore X-(
K: Perhaps you should install motion sensors to turn them on and off automatically. This will avoid touching with lollipop-stained hands :-P
G: X-(
K: Either that, or you'll have to shrink wrap everything :-P
Gordon's evidence in this case appears to have been mostly circumstantial and no "smoking lollipop" has been found. No charges have been filed to date and the Lollipop Bandit remains at large.
On that gummy note, we take your leave. Join us next time on Gordon, P.I., when our protagonist investigates the mysterious thermocline in his bathtub.
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