Chocolate Cheesecake and Berry-Knowles Equivalence

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In the early hours of Friday 24^th April, Professor Gordon spontaneously aged another year. Informed sources said that an unholy midnight feast was mooted to celebrate the event, attended by a decadent chocolate cheesecake. Speaking to Kahuna immediately after the binge, Gordon claimed that it was the "most non-bogus cake on the planet," suggesting extensive firsthand research into desserts.

Given its extreme calorimeter reading, Gordon claimed that the cheesecake was officially sanctioned by his autonomous wife. Gordon's autonomous wife is believed to rule the household with an iron skillet and restricts his refrigerator access outside of approved mealtimes. The infamous chocolate Danish affair during Gordon's reign at the Bogusan Empire is thought to be partly responsible for martial law being imposed in the pantry, dessert research notwithstanding.

After the customary exchange of threats and lipid profiles, conversation soon turned to other delicious topics, with Gordon re-iterating that Halle Berry is "probably the most desirable creature on the planet." A brief aside is called for at this point to explain Gordon's penchant for quantifying the hitherto unquantifiable. At around the time he quantified clown nature in the early 21^st century, Gordon also defined the Edividual Quotient (EQ). An edividual--short for edible individual--as the term implies, is one who is sufficiently delectable to be eye candy. Gordon defined Aishwarya Rai to be the Reference Edividual and consequently, the unit of measure for EQ was defined to be the Rai, with its namesake clocking in at 1.0 Rai. End of aside.

Last year, Gordon declared Halle Berry to have an EQ of 2.36 Rai, hence the aforementioned most desirable creature status. However, during the last conversation with Kahuna, Gordon also went on claim that Beyoncé Knowles would be "comparable" to Berry, leading to a formal proof of Berry-Knowles Equivalence. Kahuna is said to have advised Gordon to stash the detailed workings of his Berry-Knowles Equivalence Theory away from his autonomous wife, for reasons of personal safety.

At a press conference held today, Kahuna again warned that accidental disclosure may well result in this being Gordon's Last Theorem. He added that half the planet would probably kill to conduct further research in the area.

Answering questions from the media regarding the dearth of writing from other clowns in the Circus, Kahuna declared that most had fallen from their high errand and were now engaged in more pedestrian pursuits. He refused to rule out relaunching the Circus as His Personal Blog, but did confirm that the next edition of Unquotable Quotes would be published in the coming weeks.