Gordon, Kahuna to Leave Asia

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Another year has dawned with the passage of the sun from the constellation Pisces to Aries and dairy products were forced into a gaseous phase following the traditional lighting of the hearth. These activities were soon followed by a dangerous rise of the triglyceride level in the bloodstream. Further lunacy is expected later tonight in the profoundly dim-witted reversion to the standard time zone of GMT+0530.

In alarming news, Professor Ebenezer Gordon, MP, MTS, PN is expected to depart for the continental United States in a few hours with his Autonomous Wife and Semi-Autonomous Offspring, creating a massive imbalance in global CF. Analysts cautioned that CF in the United States could become extremely unstable given the current incumbency of St Vandoofus, Bartus Maximus and the Monster over and above the Shrub and Duck administration. Experts believed that Kahuna would need to take evasive measures to avoid a wobble being introduced into the axial rotation of the planet.

However, Kahuna issued a statement later today announcing that He would be leaving Asia on Monday to set up offices in Africa. Pundits suspected that Kahuna might be travelling to Africa to install a known elephant in Cairo such that the algorithm would terminate. However, no evidence has been found to independently verify this conjecture and known elephants were not among those scheduled to travel with Kahuna.

In His statement, Kahuna added that the Circus would now be represented on all major continents excluding South America and Antarctica. He added that it was only a matter of time before St Vandoofus would be relocated to the Ross Ice Shelf to keep watch over the hole in the ozone layer. The possibility of Bartus Maximus setting up a stronghold in the Andes was also not ruled out.

Following Kahuna’s announcement, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) warned of unusual weather and geomagnetic activity for the next few weeks until global CF re-balancing is completed.

KNN will continue to monitor this precarious situation.