The Way of the Buffalo

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- The award of the 2007 Nobel Prize in Physics to Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg for their independent discoveries of the quantum mechanical effect of giant magnetoresistance is indeed most appropriate. There is no question that IBM's subsequent invention of the giant magnetoresistive head and resulting miniaturization of hard disk drives led to the boom in high-capacity consumer electronic devices including the ubiquitous iPod.

It also offers much needed hope that some day, the quantum electodynamic principle of giant cabinetics would be likewise recognized with an appropriate award, preferably decorated with cacti and presented rectally.

In this continuing series on parliamentary bogocracy, we examine the science (yes, there appears to be a method to the madness) behind the construction of a cabinet. The mammoth proportions of the national cabinet have of course been well documented previously, along with more transparent alternatives. The Monster's First Law has also established that the Temple of the Monkey consists of monks and monkeys. A giant cabinet G, can be expressed mathematically as G = S ∪ X, where:

M is the set of incumbents of the Temple;

B is the Bovino number: i.e., the quantum of buffaloes (Bubalus bubalis spp.) needed to generate sufficient methane in 24 hours to cause the inner sanctum of the Temple to ignite with a customary pop upon application of a lit taper. Empirical evidence has established that B ≈ 50 when |M| → 225;

S is a proper subset of M, such that |S| ≥ B;

X is the executive set such that |X| = 1 by definition.

By convention, a giant cabinet consists of the crème de la crème (i.e., the scum) of the Temple, properly termed buffaloes. While monkeys exhibit fermion behavior, buffaloes are bosons and obey Bose-Einstein statistics. Consequently, members of a herd tend to occupy the same quantum state (usually a mud hole) to chew the cud while surrounded by a swarm of flies. Any productivity is purely accidental.

A giant cabinet likewise occupies a single quantum state and hogs all available resources to keep productivity in check. An attendant swarm of deputy monkeys and non-cabinet monkeys provide ancillary services. In the process, greenhouse gases are generated to melt the polar ice and form more mud holes. Thus is secured the survival of the species. Some experts believe that given sufficient time, the bogosity of a single giant cabinet could usher in a new Dark Age, if not an industrial fertilizer plant.

However, another school of thought believes that a giant cabinet is a special type of non-rotating black hole, with attraction so powerful that not even money can escape. The controversial Black Hole Theory of Governance suggests that buffaloes chewing cud in a circle would create a singularity that causes valuables to gravitate towards it to be siphoned off into numbered bank accounts. While there seems to be some evidence of missing funds, experimental evidence of an actual buffalo singularity remains as elusive as the Higgs boson.

Critics of the theory have also pointed out that the Schwarzchild radius of such an object would be improbably large. However, these concerns have done little to prevent the proponents of the theory from hazarding that the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy is actually caused by the Galactic Senate trying to order lunch.

And so the debate rages on; however, one thing remains certain: there is absolutely no shortage of buffaloes. Interested readers will find more buffoonery in our previous stories about parliarmentary bogocracy.