Kahuna Reports a Week of Buffoonery

LAS KAHUNAS, Nevada -- Reports from western Africa indicate the formation of a severe spatiotemporal anomaly merging parts of Ghana with Berlin, Germany. Spatial geometricians believe that the soft toy specialist, Huggles is behind the dastardly phenomenon. Space-time around the alleged serial hugger appears to be not merely curved, but bent completely out of shape. It is understood that Huggles intends to move Berlin to Ghana with the aim of acquiring the historic Berlin Bear for his personal use. Informed sources revealed that Huggles is particularly interested in the Berlin Bear’s tongue and speculated that the Teddybear may be next in line for a possible acquisition along similar lines. They added that Huggles intends to become the cuddliest and give the Teddybear a run for his money.

When pressed for a comment, Huggles merely sniggered and grinned, surpassing the Cheshire Cat by several megawatts. In related news, cocoa prices skyrocketed to five-year highs due to increasing levels of bogosity in the nearby Republic of Côte d'Ivoire.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, the Menace (intended Consort of Huggles) has resorted to forced-labor in order to construct complex containers from irregular polygons. It is envisaged that these will hold items of confectionery during a planned ritual in the near future. Throughput—measured in vector polyhedra per fortnight—remains infuriatingly low. Kahuna and others have threatened retaliation and a potential mutiny among the enslaved has not been ruled out.

Detractors have also drawn similarities between the aforementioned container class and a cauliflower (Brassica oleracea botrytis). This was, however, upgraded to a cabbage (Brassica oleracea capitata) after some debate. Previous critics of the cabbage family have included Gaius Julius Caesar, whose blistering culinary invective, “Oh, stuff your brassica oleracea capitata!” was expunged from the Senate record in or around 52 BC [1][2].

Kahuna notes that the hilarious rutabaga (Brassica napobrassica), considered one of the most inherently funny words in the English language, is also a member of the cabbage family. Kumquat anyone? Duck!

Outright Buffoonery (OB) took place at a Circus held on Friday at the Bavarian Barn to commemorate the birthday of Reference Menace and known deviant Timothy. The male guests were subject to the usual untoward attention of the birthday boy and none escaped untouched. Among the gifts was a soft toy of leonine nature, items of apparel and explicit literature entitled Tantra: The Art of Mind Blowing Sex. It must be noted that a volume on the dark arts of Tibetan origin was presented at a similar ceremony last year. While Timothy’s Clown Consort objected to the material on grounds of yet more sleepless nights, Timothy and Buffy both appeared to be enthralled by the text. The situation deteriorated rapidly when the fiend insisted on reading excerpts of the text to those within earshot. A hasty exit from the premises was effected to avoid the inevitable descent towards anarchy. Analysts suspect that the Baroness, along with Kahuna may have played a key role in the selection of gifts. Kahuna, nevertheless, insisted that the Baroness acted alone. The Baroness in turn categorically denied the allegations and threatened to turn Kahuna into a toad.

The Teddybear, who has not been heard from frequently, is recovering from hyperextension and exhaustion due to excessive cuddling. With his cuddliness being questioned in a Circus Poll, the Teddybear has been cuddling extensively to prove himself. While only 25% of voters believed that the Teddybear is cuddly, a phenomenal 58% of those polled wished to have a personal cuddle before deciding. Informed sources reveal that the Teddybear is also eyeing the Japanese market. The Nikkei 225 reacted by closing almost a percentage point lower at the end of trading today. St Vandoofus, a vehement skeptic of the Teddybear cuddliness was not available for comment.

Professor Gordon, who had been lying low during the last week, successfully blocked the Suez Canal late Sunday by sabotaging a Liberian-registered oil tanker. Maintenance crews are struggling to repair the stranded vessel and clear the canal. The master saboteur is now reputedly eyeing the Panama Canal with the intent of holding the global shipping industry to ransom. Gordon’s Global Cooling initiative is also expected to permanently close the Northwest Passage and further limit shipping options, as he ushers in the next Ice Age. Oil prices remained high at the close of markets Monday.

[1] Alea Jacta Est: Gareth Thomas' Asterix Site for Grown-ups
[2] The Asterix Annotations 3.0

Punxsutawney Phil Delivers on Agreement with Gordon

GOBBLER’S KNOB, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- Notable meteorological groundhog Punxsutawney Phil made good on his agreement with arch-climatologist Ebenezer Gordon yesterday and extended winter by another six weeks. Phil saw his shadow as he came out of his burrow and sealed the chilly fate of the planet.

Gordon is believed to have bribed Phil in early 2005 and entered into a five-year agreement to extend winter. Although, Phil delivered in both 2005 and 2006, Kahuna is suspected to have confounded plans in 2007 by concocting inclement weather conditions at the crucial moment.

Speaking to KNN, Kahuna said that Phil's latest action was "regrettable" and vowed to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative by any means necessary.

Gordon to Outsource Santa; Reindeer Launch Industrial Action

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- Professor Ebenezer Gordon, Chairman and Grand Poobah of Gordon Industries, Inc., today announced that he would be outsourcing this year's Christmas gift delivery operation to India. He cited the rising supply chain cost of his Santa Claus business, eroding margins and the deteriorating relations with his reindeer as reasons behind this unprecedented move.

Gordon indicated that this new arrangement would have a positive impact on his bottom line for 2007, while also maintaining his burgeoning waistline below forecast. However, he cautioned that the full impact of savings would only be realized in the coming fiscal year after the planned disposal of his North Pole complex. Market sentiment was mixed and the news was not warmly received by Gordon's reindeer who were seen picketing and calling for his immediate ouster.

Industry sources pointed out that Gordon was already embroiled in a bitter trade union dispute with his reindeer on the equitable distribution of milk and cookies. The situation has taken a turn for the worse with layoffs now expected thanks to the proposed business model. It is reliably learned that Gordon's new outsourcing partner would use a fleet of Bajaj three-wheeled vehicles for outbound logistics instead of the more traditional sleigh. This has proved to be a thorny issue during negotiations and a spokesdeer for the reindeer union said that talks had ended in a stalemate. He said that the union had expressed grave reservations regarding the environmental impact of Bajaj engines and called for an independent assessment by Nobel laureate Al Gore. The spokesdeer added that Gordon was vehemently opposed to this idea, allegedly fearing that Gore would reveal potentially inconvenient truths that might derail his dastardly plans.

When contacted by KNN, Kahuna said that Gordon was indeed moving forward given a conversation held shortly before:

Kahuna : You're up quite late. Are you doing a stock
         count of the toy inventory?
Gordon : Er no, I am backing up a database to be 
         sent to a clownette in Chennai.
Kahuna : The naughty and nice list for your 
         outsourced service provider no doubt X-(
Gordon : Bah X-(

He added that Gordon was counting on his controversial Global Cooling initiative to offset any impact on climate change.

In related news breaking from Connecticut, the Monster is expected to arrive in the tropics on the 25^th of December, fueling speculation that Gordon is handing over the reigns to his portly sibling. KNN has been unable to independently verify this claim with Gordon remaining tight-lipped about the matter.

Meanwhile, in tropical Colombo, Darth Teddy is believed to be searching for his Santa hat for upcoming festivities. The anaconda keeper had not ruled out turning up in his birthday suit should the quest for headgear be thwarted.

And on that rather dodgy note, the Circus wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Gordon Bribes Punxsutawney Phil, Prolongs Winter

GOBBLER’S KNOB, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- In completely unexpected developments, the dastardly Professor Gordon has thrown the planet into six more weeks of winter by bribing well-known meteorological groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, to see his shadow.

While Phil’s revelation was roundly booed by those gathered at Gobbler’s Knob, a jubilant Gordon announced that he had delivered a major blow to Kahuna’s efforts at ushering in the first thaw of spring. Gordon disclosed that he had entered into an exclusive agreement with Phil, under which winter will be extended by a six-week period, with the option for a further three-week extension, for the next five years. Adding that Phil was amply compensated, Gordon indicated that he was also in negotiations with Staten Island Chuck, Wiarton Willie and Shubenacadie Sam to further consolidate his positition.

Experts ruminating over Gordon’s coup suggested that the arch-climatologist may have resorted to this highly unorthodox approach after failing in his patented, High-bypass Turbofan Method of global cooling. Gordon was reportedly having trouble getting his array of jet engines off the ground due to a shipment of capacitors sourced from Bart’s Surplus (a wholly-owned subsidiary of BartCorp) failing to arrive at the crucial time. A spokesman for BartCorp denied allegations of foul play stating that the shipment was simply held up at Kahuna’s Customs & Excise.

Speaking to the media a short while ago, Kahuna said that today was indeed a dark day for the planet and vowed to counter Gordon’s plans by any means necessary, including but not limited to adjusting the axial tilt of the planet. Analysts, however, cautioned such moves on the grounds that they could be quite wobbly.

KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of Professor Gordon at every available opportunity.

Honeydew and Beaker Trounce Gordon for Top Science Honors

Honeydew and Beaker interviewed live on KNN

EXETER, United Kingdom -- In breaking news, the British Association for the Advancement of Science reported that Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker from Muppet Labs have been named the UK's top scientists. The pair easily defeated crackpot inventor and evil genius, Professor Gordon, another key contender for the award.

Speaking to KNN shortly after accepting the award, Honeydew who is better known as Dr Bunsen, said that he and his assistant Beaker were eminently suitable to receive the award as they had blown up far more things than anyone else. Beaker meeped in agreement. Commenting on his latest work, Honeydew said he is developing a large heater to counter Gordon's Global Cooling initiative. Disappointingly, no explosions took place during the interview.

A fuming Gordon told KNN he was not amused and added that he suspected the whole event was rigged by arch-nemesis Maximillian Bartus. Saying that the latex magnate was "out to get him," a highly-charged Gordon promised swift action against both BartCorp and Muppet Labs (a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Company).

KNN will provide highly biased live coverage of the event.