GOBBLER’S KNOB, Commonwealth of Pennsylvania -- In completely unexpected developments, the dastardly Professor Gordon has thrown the planet into six more weeks of winter by bribing well-known meteorological groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, to see his shadow.
While Phil’s revelation was roundly booed by those gathered at Gobbler’s Knob, a jubilant Gordon announced that he had delivered a major blow to Kahuna’s efforts at ushering in the first thaw of spring. Gordon disclosed that he had entered into an exclusive agreement with Phil, under which winter will be extended by a six-week period, with the option for a further three-week extension, for the next five years. Adding that Phil was amply compensated, Gordon indicated that he was also in negotiations with Staten Island Chuck, Wiarton Willie and Shubenacadie Sam to further consolidate his positition.
Experts ruminating over Gordon’s coup suggested that the arch-climatologist may have resorted to this highly unorthodox approach after failing in his patented, High-bypass Turbofan Method of global cooling. Gordon was reportedly having trouble getting his array of jet engines off the ground due to a shipment of capacitors sourced from Bart’s Surplus (a wholly-owned subsidiary of BartCorp) failing to arrive at the crucial time. A spokesman for BartCorp denied allegations of foul play stating that the shipment was simply held up at Kahuna’s Customs & Excise.
Speaking to the media a short while ago, Kahuna said that today was indeed a dark day for the planet and vowed to counter Gordon’s plans by any means necessary, including but not limited to adjusting the axial tilt of the planet. Analysts, however, cautioned such moves on the grounds that they could be quite wobbly.
KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of Professor Gordon at every available opportunity.
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