The Coming of Spring

GAILLIMH, Éire -- Today is the festival of Imbolc according to the ancient Celtic calendar. Although, the snow-covered northern hemisphere may suggest otherwise, spring begins today. It is believed that Kahuna will engage in ceremonies to bring forth the sun and thaw the planet.

In associated news, KNN learns that the notorious Professor Gordon is working feverishly to complete his array of high-bypass jet engines and prolong the winter. Experts were skeptical of the plans arguing that hell was more likely to freeze over prior to Gordon firing up his auxiliary power units. Gordon, however, provided a frosty reception to the media and remarked that his plans to end global warming were well on track.

KNN will monitor the highly liquid situation and provide live coverage.