The Law of the Circus - Part 1

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Difficult as it is to believe, more than three years have passed since the first publication of Unquotable Quotes back in March of 2005. The 37^th edition is expected to hit the streets sometime during the long weekend, barring an unforeseen act of Kahuna.

Unquotable Quotes—perhaps better known as UQ—is the original commentary made by the large clowns infesting the Circus. Over the years, these clowns have uttered many choice statements that have been converted by Kahuna into laws, principles, hypotheses, corollaries, lemmas and even a prayer or two.

In hindsight, it would seem that arch motorist Professor Gordon started the wheel rolling when he propounded his Law of Legislated Potholes in UQ10. Soon after, Gordon followed up with his Principle of Volumetric Ornithology after a pelican decided to relieve itself on his then flagship automobile, GITT Mk II. This incident also gave rise to an entirely new field of study.

However, we digress. Here for the first time is a comprehensive reference to the Law of the Circus, in order of publication date:

From UQ10:

Bad roads are caused by politicians.

— Gordon’s Law of Legislated Potholes.

From UQ11:

You only realize how huge a pelican is when they shit on you.

— Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican must be in orbit after loosing so much mass.

— The Monster’s Propulsive Corollary to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

The pelican briefs or lack thereof.

— Darth Teddy’s Lemma to Gordon’s Principle of Volumetric Ornithology.

May a whole bunch of white pelicans line up and group shit upon you when you try to take your next photograph!

— Kahuna’s Prayer for Obstructing Optics with Collective Linear Ornithological Bombardment.

Let he who is not distorted like a barrel cast the first shadow.

— Kahuna’s Principle of Rectilinear Umbrage.

From UQ12:

Teamwork is defined where the PM does nothing.

— The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

In that case the PM is wasting oxygen and should be put to death.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to The Monster’s Principle of Highly Defective Teamwork.

From UQ14:

Always waste other peoples’ bandwidth.

— Kahuna’s Doctrine of Hogging Other People’s Bandwidth, better known as The Pipe is Always Bigger on the Other Subnet.

From UQ15:

Real life does not proceed according to your bloody Gantt chart.

— Gordon’s Critical Path Observation.

From UQ16:

Why of course, you have to name a vehicle. Otherwise you tend to just think of them as objects. You have to understand that they have feelings.

— Huggles’s Vehicular Naming Monologue.

Can you explain why the blasted DB2 client needs so much space?

— Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

Because the installer has determined that you have way too much free space on your local disk.

— Kahuna’s Corollary to Gordon’s DB2 Lament.

From UQ19:

If you spell something wrong it just says, “not found,” then you have to search on Google and find the right spelling and then come back to Wiki.

— Vandoofus’s Principle of the Pursuit of Knowledge through Orthographic Enlightenment.

You think Wiki users should know how to spell everything they want to look up?

— Vandoofus’s Dilemma of Orthographic Ignorance.

There is no right way to spll [sic].

— Vandoofus’s Law of Defective Orthography.

From UQ20:

He should only be given blunt soft items, like boobies.

— Darth Teddy’s Generalised Huggles Theorem.

From UQ21:

These are two very enjoyable things: eating and screwing, not necessarily in that order.

— Darth Teddy’s Principle of Disorderly Pleasure.

From UQ24:

The best parts of learning are the stains.

— Darth Teddy’s Messy Knowledge Hypothesis.

Mothers get along with me.

— Darth Teddy’s Mrs. Robinson Principle.

Isn’t it strange that flights operate 24 hours and ticketing offices don’t?

— Gordon’s Confounded Air Travel Oddity.

I thought I was fairly docile this time.

— Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

You don’t have a docile bone in your body.

— Kahuna’s Anatomical Retort to Darth Teddy’s Docile Teddy Hypothesis.

UQ would be a total failure if it weren't for my selfless contributions.

— Darth Teddy’s Teddycentric Theory of Unquotable Quotation.

From UQ28:

Smooch is not equal to hump.

— Darth Teddy's Inequality.

I believe our fate is in the hands of the Big Bang.

— Vandoofus's Big Bang Hypothesis.

From UQ29:

It is anti-social behavior to turn away kids that may turn up at ones doorstep by E Scrooge.

— Gordon's Halloween Principle.

If your identity was known, it would be law enforcement turning up at your doorstep.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Gordon's Halloween Principle.

From UQ30:

Next time, it will be the Hounds of Hell on your person.

— Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

You'll never manage to get everyone's signature on the release order.

— Kahuna's Bureaucratic Obstruction to Gordon's Hounds of Hell Approach for Dispute Resolution.

Nonsense, I know El Diablo in person.

— Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

This would explain the sulfurous stench, yes.

— Kahuna's Malodorous Brimstone Corollary to Gordon's Diabolical Method for Red Tape Elimination.

Beware of tattooed philosophers bearing theorems.

— Kahuna's First Law of Dubious Philosophy.

From UQ31:

Darth Teddy is beyond undergarments; its dilemma is what hole to stick it in.

— Gordon's Holy Teddy Hypothesis.

The tie is meant to contrast, not be camouflaged.

— Gordon's Conspicuous Necktie Principle.

You are flawed.

— Darth Teddy's Defective Kahuna Hypothesis.

From UQ32:

Clowns build faster processors and Microsoft builds slower software; thus is equilibrium attained.

— Kahuna's Balance of Molasses.

I loathe stuff with an X in them unless there's three.

— Gordon's Triple-X Principle.

From UQ33:

The correct charmer will make any snake dance.

— Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

Your snake needs a charmer to calm it down.

— Kahuna's Corollary Darth Teddy's First Law of Snake Charming.

I believe my rear end is quite yummy.

— Darth Teddy's Tasty Tush Hypothesis.

From UQ34:

I'm going to slap you at the earliest available instance.

— Kahuna's Percussive Solution to the Boisterous Teddy Problem.

Your life would be boring without me.

— Darth Teddy's Tedious Kahuna Hypothesis.

Would this mean that I can call upon the great Kahuna whenever Darth Teddy rears his not so cuddly face?

— Fluke's Prickly Teddy Proposition.

From UQ35:

By my own admission I am irresistible.

— Darth Teddy's Corollary to Ohm's Law.

My pointy end has been the pleasure of many a fair maiden.

— Darth Teddy's Pointy Teddy Hypothesis.

From UQ36:

Your vociferous nature is directly proportional to the square of your distance from me.

— Kahuna's Vocal Teddy Principle.

I will also be casting astrologers, soothsayers and assorted mystics out to sea.

— Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

You will cast them without a compass.

— Darth Teddy's Directionless Corollary to Kahuna's Mystical Maritime Strategy.

And then there was the recruiter who said my resume was impressive because it was in PDF.

— Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

I will send a resume carved in marble to take care of them.

— Kahuna's Metamorphic Limestone Obstruction to Gordon's Portable Resume Hypothesis.

Once you get on, it's hard to get off.

— Darth Teddy's Mounting Teddy Hypothesis.

I will push you off the Aswan High Dam if you continue this line of discussion.

— Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

I will name you as the architect of the Three Gorges Dam and airdrop you in the midst of a resettled village.

— Gordon's Damned Unpopular Architect Defense to Kahuna's Rapid Decent Method of Conflict Resolution.

You will find yourself tied to the Ahmedinejad's reactor when the airstrikes start.

— Kahuna's Strong Nuclear Force Option for Misguided Ariel Bombardment.

Who on Earth would want to hire you?

— Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.

Anyone who wants a spanner in the works.

— Kahuna's Monkeywrench Solution to Gordon's Terrestrial Recruitment Conundrum.