File photo of Augustus, Spartacus and Claudius (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)
NEW ROME, Ganemulla – In late-breaking news, KNN has learned of sordid actives in the cat-infested headquarters of arch-zoologist, Professor Gordon. It has come to light that the crackpot taxidermist’s three cats, Augustus, Claudius and Spartacus hold portfolios in the newly formed Gordon Administration. The thug Spartacus has been appointed Gordon's Secretary of Defense, while the sadistic Augustus is reportedly Secretary of State. The insatiable Claudius has apparently taken over as Chief of Staff.
Political analysts predicted that the Gordon Administration’s foreign policy would be similar to the cowboy-style adopted by the Shrub Administration, but with more cats and less horses. Particle physicists strongly disagreed and said that cats tend to exhibit fermion behavior and resist herding in accordance with the Pauli exclusion principle. They added that Gordon’s was doomed from the get go, as his cats would be unable to agree on anything, including when to have a nap. Political analysts shot back saying this was all a load of bosons. No immediate condensate was likely at the time of blogging.
The rationale behind Gordon’s feline naming convention remains a mystery. However, sources close to the situation revealed that Gordon is trying to resurrect the Roman Empire and unilaterally declare himself despot and emperor under the name and style of Gaius Gordianus Maximus (i.e., Fat Gordon). He would be known in the common tongue as Gordian IV (Gordian III having been previously bumped off by the Praetorian Guard). Kendaliyaddapaluwa will become the New Rome (Nova Roma) of the proposed empire, the standard of which will bear the acronym GFQR (Gordianus Felisque Romanus) which translates as Gordon and the Cats of Rome. Historians mused that this bears an uncanny resemblance to the ancient SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus) or the Senate and the People of Rome, used during the days of the old empire.
Speaking to the media, Kahuna condemned Gordon’s proposed move and threatened to airdrop a container-load of catnip (Nepeta cataria) over New Rome to disrupt the senate session scheduled for later this evening. In response, Secretary Augustus spat back and threatened to invade Kahuna’s Republic of Boston in search of the fabled Cheese of Mass Destruction. Kahuna vehemently denied the existence of such a device and said that any act of aggression would be met with stiff resistance.
KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of this developing story.
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