In Memoriam

For those who died in Asia on 26^th December 2004.

Do not Stand at my Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there: I did not die

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Gordon Exploits Cats' Paws in Power Bid

File photo of Augustus, Spartacus and Claudius (Copyright © 2004 E Gordon)

NEW ROME, Ganemulla – In late-breaking news, KNN has learned of sordid actives in the cat-infested headquarters of arch-zoologist, Professor Gordon. It has come to light that the crackpot taxidermist’s three cats, Augustus, Claudius and Spartacus hold portfolios in the newly formed Gordon Administration. The thug Spartacus has been appointed Gordon's Secretary of Defense, while the sadistic Augustus is reportedly Secretary of State. The insatiable Claudius has apparently taken over as Chief of Staff.

Political analysts predicted that the Gordon Administration’s foreign policy would be similar to the cowboy-style adopted by the Shrub Administration, but with more cats and less horses. Particle physicists strongly disagreed and said that cats tend to exhibit fermion behavior and resist herding in accordance with the Pauli exclusion principle. They added that Gordon’s was doomed from the get go, as his cats would be unable to agree on anything, including when to have a nap. Political analysts shot back saying this was all a load of bosons. No immediate condensate was likely at the time of blogging.

The rationale behind Gordon’s feline naming convention remains a mystery. However, sources close to the situation revealed that Gordon is trying to resurrect the Roman Empire and unilaterally declare himself despot and emperor under the name and style of Gaius Gordianus Maximus (i.e., Fat Gordon). He would be known in the common tongue as Gordian IV (Gordian III having been previously bumped off by the Praetorian Guard). Kendaliyaddapaluwa will become the New Rome (Nova Roma) of the proposed empire, the standard of which will bear the acronym GFQR (Gordianus Felisque Romanus) which translates as Gordon and the Cats of Rome. Historians mused that this bears an uncanny resemblance to the ancient SPQR (Senatus Populusque Romanus) or the Senate and the People of Rome, used during the days of the old empire.

Speaking to the media, Kahuna condemned Gordon’s proposed move and threatened to airdrop a container-load of catnip (Nepeta cataria) over New Rome to disrupt the senate session scheduled for later this evening. In response, Secretary Augustus spat back and threatened to invade Kahuna’s Republic of Boston in search of the fabled Cheese of Mass Destruction. Kahuna vehemently denied the existence of such a device and said that any act of aggression would be met with stiff resistance.

KNN will continue to provide highly defamatory coverage of this developing story.

Good Luck, Teddybear!

The Circus wishes the Teddybear all the best for his exams tomorrow. Of course, we would also like to remind the Bear that studying really hard helps too! Kahuna would also like to take this opportunity to share His favorite exam question:

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

However, we hope the Bear's exam won't require props other than pen and paper :-)

Cat Receives MBA – Academia Goes to the Dogs

SANTA CATALINA, California Republic -- Outright Buffoonery (OB) has been reported from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where a deputy attorney general’s cat has been awarded an online MBA. The report filed by the Associated Press and reported by CNN is reproduced in part below.

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania (AP) -- The Pennsylvania attorney general's office Monday sued an online university for allegedly selling bogus academic degrees -- including an MBA awarded to a cat.

Trinity Southern University in Texas, a cellular company and the two brothers who ran them are accused of misappropriating Internet addresses of the state Senate and more than 60 Pennsylvania businesses to sell fake degrees and prescription drugs by spam e-mail, according to the lawsuit.

Investigators paid $299 for a bachelor's degree for Colby Nolan -- a deputy attorney general's 6-year-old black cat -- claiming he had experience including baby-sitting and retail management.

The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average.

This latest academic lunacy follows simian doctoral awards made in Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, the Bogotic North Pole of the planet.

In a press release issued to the media, Professor Gordon revealed that the three cats residing at his known hideout had advanced degrees in catnapping, cataloging and computerized axial tomography. Kahuna responded by accusing Gordon of cat burglary and operating an unauthorized zoo. These claims have not been substantiated, although an above-average concentration of porcupines was encountered within the premises.

Catbert (a senior clown of feline persuasion from the Bogusan Empire) was not available for comment on these latest developments.

The Monkey Doctor – Academia Goes Ape

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- In academic news, doctoral degrees in that most noble field of political science, are now handed out based on the prospective candidate’s oral aperture (measured in f-stops), vocal magnitude (measured in decibels) and MTBE (Mean Time Between Expletives) rather than intelligence quotient. Links to unsavory characters? Capital! Extra credits.

The incumbents of the Temple of the Monkey are eminently suitable for this honor bestowed by an institution that is, in retrospection not merely open, but gaping. Geologists believe that this level of openness borders on faulty and eclipses the Strait of Gibraltar by several orders of magnitude.

Gibraltar is incidentally, the home of the Barbary Ape (Macaca sylvanus), the only semi-wild monkey in Europe. Its completely wild cousins may be seen in their natural habitat – the aptly named Temple mentioned previously.

In related news, Professor Gordon issued a statement suggesting that the world's energy needs could be completely met if the hot air and greenhouse gas output of all politicians was efficiently harnessed. In hurriedly presented counter-proposals, Kahuna suggested that all politicians be flug into space using a specially constructed mass driver.