Vandoofus Prize Announced

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- His Holiness St Vandoofus today announced the Vandoofus Prize for Photography after many weeks of wrangling with Kahuna vis-à-vis the technicalities of the award.

It is understood that Vandoofus had originally mooted the idea of a Kahuna Memorial Trophy to which Kahuna had raised strong objections, for the most part because He was not dead yet. Insiders believe that Vandoofus had offered to remedy the situation leading to a breakdown in negotiations. However, an apparent compromise had been reached subsequently, allowing the public announcement to be made.

Speaking to the media, His Holiness said that the Vandoofus Prize would be awarded to the best original photograph posted at the Circus and selected by peer review. Any number of original photographs may be entered and there is no restriction on theme or content. Photographs may be blogged using Picasa, Hello or the Blogger post editor, using the methods explained here.

The winner stands to pocket one million Circus Dollars^[1] and will be hosted to a meal by Vandoofus in New York City or Colombo--by Memorandum of Understanding with Kahuna^[2]. Vandoofus said that the frequency of the award would initially be dependent on blog activity, which is presently at an all-time low possibly due to an all-time high level of apathy.

Critics dismissed the announcement saying it was just another opportunity for an inter-continental food binge. They added that the whole process was doomed since the peers proposed for the peer review were "a bunch of clowns." Kahuna warned that He would silence detractors with a well-aimed cactus. Digital menace Professor Gordon hinted that he may be in the running for the Prize after an unsuccessful bid for the Ansari X Prize earlier this year.

KNN will provide live coverage of this new development.

^[1] The parity rates against internationally accepted legal tender are currently negative.
^[2] Airfare not included. Not redeemable in cash or kind. Low-fat meal provided on request. Void where invalid or expressly prohibited by law.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came...

- Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo

These are full lyrics of the unmistakable theme song from Cheers, the multi Emmy Award winning sitcom that first aired in September 1982 and ran for eleven seasons. You can read the story and listen to the song at www.garyportnoy.com.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 3 – The Way of the Spider

GANEMULLA, Sri Lanka -- Evidence has surfaced implicating the portly arch-zoologist Professor Gordon in a new web of intrigue involving high-speed automobile usage:

Gordon : Were you responsible for the large spider
         that manifested on my windscreen in the 
         midst of traffic? X-(
Kahuna : Indeed
Gordon : I thought as much X-(
Kahuna : Was it a very large arachnid?
Gordon : Quite
Kahuna : Then it was the one I commissioned
Gordon : You remember I sent a photo which scared 
         [the Teddybear] once?  One of that type
Kahuna : This is quite a large instance of said 
         object class
Gordon : The RSPCA will hear about this. Said 
         spider was subjected to winds exceeding
         100 kmph[1] X-(
Kahuna : The fact that you did not slow down despite
         said spider being exposed to a force 10 
         gale will be part of the RSPCA report
Gordon : I slowed down[2] when I saw it X-(
Kahuna : You will be charged with attempted 
         arachnicide X-(
Gordon : And you with criminal abuse of spiders
Kahuna : Murderer!

No spiders were harmed during the course of this production.

^[1] Incontrovertible evidence of a highway code violation.
^[2] Corroborating evidence of [1] above.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 9

One Berry has concluded flashing her assets.

- Ebenezer Gordon, Professor of Boobology at MIT, verifying that the assets in question were indeed present and accounted for in Catwoman.

So long and thanks for all the humps.

- Darth Teddy, issuing a parting shot.

Eh? Are you proposing a lens up your ass?

- Gordon to Kahuna, hypothesising the Carl Zeiss Recto-Sonnar lens during a highly refracted discussion on optics.

[The] potential difference dropped to 0V.

- Gordon, reporting an unexpected loss of electrical power in the wilderness of Kendaliyaddapaluwa.

Try climbing a coconut tree, the potential should increase. I'm arranging the thunderstorm.

- Kahuna, providing a highly charged solution to Gordon’s potential loss.

We are a technology firm. We use vacuum cleaners.

- Gordon, explaining his decision to replace the broomstick as a mode of transportation on Samhain Eve.

You know, pre-historic artillery might not work on these tiny islands. You might have to resort to something more accurate: like catapult.

- The Regulator, advising Kahuna on appropriate arms to invade her republic and install her as Despot.

For your information, Diego Garcia belongs to this banana republic. When I'm made Despot, I'm going to fight for that too. Using catapult of course.

- The Regulator, unveiling her decidedly ballistic foreign policy.

Before you came along, I was a simple, banana eating, law-abiding citizen of this la-la land.

- The Regulator, blaming Kahuna for her rise to power.

Do you know there are legal implications [with] people of your age being online at this time?

- The Regulator, raising a point of law after finding Kahuna online during the wee hours.

The opportunity to push [the Teddybear] off at two thousand feet also presents itself.

- Kahuna, on the advantages of hot air ballooning.

I will now lunch() mode=supervised.

- Gordon, on his first managed lunch after failing a lipid profile.

I'll introduce a pyramid and take the discussion into a whole new dimension.

- Gordon to Kahuna, upping the ante in a high-stakes game of Vertices and Edges.

Were you responsible for the large spider that manifested on my windscreen in the midst of traffic?

- Gordon to Kahuna, seeking answers to a mysterious increase in the arachnid count.

We have been subjected to unknown chemicals by the government BTBOTP.

- Gordon, taking issue with the Elections Commissioner’s pink indelible ink, since turned black.

Its high time someone announced an election result BTBOTP.

- Gordon, expressing displeasure at the non-disclosure of election results by 9:00pm.

Quantum Electodynamics (QED) 101

SRI JAYAWARDENAPURA-KOTTE, Sri Lanka -- With electoral bogosity in progress, we now take a scientific view of the proceedings to better understand the underlying principles of any election. The fundamental particle of an election is the ballotino. Ballotinos have zero rest mass and hence do not posses momentum. It is, therefore, quite difficult to actually do something useful with a ballotino. The particles, however, carry the quantum properties of color, promise, spin and strangeness.

Ballotinos are fermions and obey Fermi-Dirac statistics. Consequently, they are also subject to the Pauli exclusion principle. Hence, it is impossible for a group of ballotinos to occupy the same energy state (i.e., political platform) and act like a single entity as would a group of bosons.

Ballotinos carry color charge in a manner similar to gluons, with an anti-color carried backwards in time. However, the rules of ballotino interaction differ considerably from gluon exchange. In particular, ballotino interaction rules are highly political and may differ from election to election. Gluons on the other hand, follow fixed rules. In the current electoral environment ballotinos carry blue (with green in the reverse direction), red (antigreen) and green (antiblue or antired) color charge. Ballotinos with like color charges attract, while unlike charges repels. Unlike charges forced together in a strong talk show field tend to annihilate each other releasing vast amounts of noise.

Ballotinos also interact heavily with bogons. A ballotino may absorb a bogon and change color or recoil in a different direction. A high-energy ballotino may likewise emit a bogon and change color or recoil.

Ballotinos are full of promise, but empirical evidence suggests that these are mostly empty. Some ballotinos are quite strange indeed, even bordering on bovine. There are no known limitations to a ballotino’s strangeness. By virtue of promise and strangeness, ballotinos can put quite a spin on things.

It is common in some nations to use other fundamental particles such as bulletinos to disrupt and cause interference during ballotino interaction. The bulletino possesses mass and, therefore, considerable momentum particularly in the case of the heavy bulletino.

The existence of the anti-ballotino has been theorized, but remains elusive with no experimental evidence found using contemporary particle accelerators. It is rumored that crackpot inventor Professor Gordon may be constructing a purpose-built Ballotinotron or Large Ballotino Collider to discover the absconding anti-particle. Such a device is believed to be possible by arranging a large number of talk show hosts in a ring arrangement. It is feared that the discovery of anti-ballotinos would have the potential to spontaneously annihilate all known political activity.

When contacted by KNN, Gordon vehemently denied he was conducting experiments to discover the anti-ballotino. We continue to monitor the developing lunacy.