Unquotable Quotes - Part 38

You speak as if you need to mount an expedition to the Andes on llamas.

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's lack of enthusiasm in locating important literary works lost in the depths of his lair.

Moistness comes to those who are patient.

— Darth Teddy's Patient Teddy Hypothesis.

May the cat o' nine tails feature prominently in your immediate future.

— Kahuna, raising hopes of a long-overdue disciplinary encounter for Darth Teddy.

No doubt your ancestor Obadiah Gordon was the surveyor in question.

— Kahuna, attempting to implicate Gordon in the border dispute between Georgia and Tennessee due to a 200-year old cartographic error.

Your relational algebra is getting me down.

— Gordon to Kahuna, expressing frustration with Kahuna's latest insinuations.

I should have sent you to find the serial number of the air starter armed with a candle in a methane atmosphere a long time ago.

— Kahuna, regretting not sending Gordon on a deadly quest after reading the antics of Dimi and the Chief.

I didn't realize Benedict XVI had such a position on his payroll.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the Pope's chief astronomer saying that life on Mars cannot be ruled out.

Each Mihin Air flight should also be dubbed a miracle once it lands.

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting that F-117 pilots dubbed themselves bandits, with each given a bandit number after their first flight.

I'm contemplating assigning you a bandicoot number.

— Kahuna, unveiling plans to enumerate Gordon in an arguably less flattering manner.

The anaconda may be fed on Tuesday or Monday.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, posting a new feeding schedule.

You can't just install Windows here; plus, Linux is better on lower spec hardware.

— Gordon to Kahuna, reneging on a lifelong pact with Redmond and admitting to dabbling in Linux.

Did you run the bug detector before you uttered that statement? I believe the central control room in Redmond just went into red alert.

— Kahuna, cautioning Gordon of possible reprisals from Ballmerville.

Maybe I'll just put my lens in my pocket and tell people am happy to see them.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing an alternative use for his telephoto zoom lens.

You will note that the root cause of this is the lack of prayer to the great god Baal with a cactus up one's ass.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the hazards of commencing projects without divine intervention.

Are you the chicken or the pig?

— Fluke, attempting to establish if Kahuna was merely involved or committed.

Neither; I'm the wolf who's got his eye on your ass.

— Kahuna to Fluke, disclosing a completely different agenda.

This is quite an unorthodox requirement; I suggest a meeting with the Patriarch for spiritual guidance.

— Kahuna, learning of Gordon's need to do bitwise AND across rows using SQL.

The database engine will evaluate the code and after it determines that you wrote it, it will twiddle its interrupts and count cache misses.

— Kahuna, explaining the personalized execution plan for Gordon's SQL code.

I understand you intend on unleashing the anaconda on foreign soil.

— Fluke, expressing concern over Kahuna's proposed visit to the Orient with Darth Teddy.

Imperial stock is on the rise, however; someone's been telling a lot of lies somewhere.

— Gordon to Kahuna, attributing market sentiment to fresh baloney.

These shares entitle you to attend the AGM and heckle the board.

— Kahuna, advising Gordon of his rights as an Imperial stockholder.

I am usually at one with pussy, mostly 'cause I haven't had the opportunity to be with two.

— Darth Teddy, postulating the Tao^[1] of Teddy.

You're the Bone of Contention; or more aptly, the Boner of Contention.

— Kahuna, expounding the Te^[2] of Teddy.

A banana is a dangerous construct; if the terminator is missed it could go on forever: bananananananananananananana...

— Kahuna to Gordon, illustrating the little-known hazards in handling bananas.

You need professionalalalalalalal help.

— Gordon, seeking to institutionalize Kahuna.

Oh, he's been offering furtive cuddles in exchange for your endorsement?

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of receiving kickbacks from Darth Teddy.

I operate in bright sunlight unlike some of us who are cuddling up to the dark side.

— Kahuna, accusing Fluke of dabbling in the dark arts.

I cannot resist the dark side of the farce; it is a calling I simply cannot resist.

— Fluke to Kahuna, admitting to being seduced by the dark side and more specifically by Darth Teddy.

If someone turns up for lunch after a 0640 arrival, I would greet them with a Howitzer.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on the correct protocol for dealing with idiots who might invite themselves for a midday meal after a grueling intercontinental flight.

Do you have access to this idiot's remote management port? You will replace its BIOS with the MP3 version of Help me Rhonda.

— Kahuna to Gordon, recommending a permanent fix for a chronic idiot.

Clowns in adjoining workspaces have come to ask what I'm laughing about BTBOTP.

— Gordon, admitting to workplace chaos during a conversation with Kahuna.

And you'll be using your rubber ducky as your scepter when you take over?

— Kahuna, expressing misgivings on Fluke being His potential successor.

More likely my Barrel-O-Slime.

— Fluke, confirming Kahuna's worst suspicions.

Oh, you'll be needing props?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Fluke's selection of accessories.

You would be nothing if not for connectivity.

— Darth Teddy's Connected Kahuna Principle.

You would be nothing without your snake.

— Kahuna's Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

The first mongoose to turn up will disrupt your business model.

— Kahuna's Corollary to the Slinky Teddy Hypothesis.

I will have you covered in topsoil if you don't watch it.

— Gordon, proposing to compost Kahuna.

This is no time for humus.

— Kahuna, unamused.

Teddy only knows things related to humping.

— Kahuna to Fluke, dismissing Darth Teddy as an authority on the merits of Ethernet switches versus hubs.

I will fit a turbocharger on your ass linked to a dynamo that will give you a jolt each time you fart.

— Gordon, proposing a rather anal Rube Goldberg mechanism to deal with Kahuna.

A magnesium flare shoved up your ass will help you see the error in your ways.

— Kahuna, retaliating with incandescent measures to help Gordon see the light.

Your paws tend to wander when unsupervised.

— Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

They also do when they're supervised. What's your point?

— Darth Teddy's Pointless Supervision Corollary to Kahuna's Unsupervised Teddy Hypothesis.

And will you squeal like a piglet if I send you a toy?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, plotting to distribute dodgy gifts.

^[1] Tao, (Chinese: 道; Pinyin dao; Wade-Giles: tao; audio) is a metaphysical concept found in Taoism, Confucianism, and more generally in ancient Chinese philosophy. While the character itself translates as "way," "path," or "route," or sometimes more loosely as "doctrine" or "principle," it is used philosophically to signify the fundamental or true nature of the world.
^[2] Te, (Chinese: 德; pinyin: dé; Wade-Giles: te; audio) is a key concept in Chinese philosophy, usually translated "inherent character; inner power; integrity" in Taoism.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 22: The Way of Uranus (Featuring Dr Teddy)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- Where will Google go next with the Earth, Moon and Mars already mapped? Kahuna and Professor Gordon pondered this very question and ended up in unchartered territories necessitating a flashlight:

Kahuna (K): Google Moon? X-(
Gordon (G): Indeed I saw this. Google Uranus is around the corner no doubt.
K: I was just thinking.
G: That must be a new experience.
K: You will experience Google Uranus firsthand with a proctologist, if you don't watch it.
G: No doubt you will too, with Dr Teddy in Haputale.
K: I believe Dr Teddy's interests lie elsewhere.
G: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
K: Indeed; I believe it has not got laid for a while X-(
G: There you go.
K: X-(

Despite Gordon's misgivings, Dr Teddy was quite mildly-behaved in Haputale. However, this appears to have been a temporary aberration and the allegedly cuddly one is now understood to be frolicking at an undisclosed location.

No proctologists were harmed during this production.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages - Part 21: The Order of the Bath

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Having a shower used to be a simple, perhaps even pedestrian activity that required no prior approval. Enter Kahuna and Professor Gordon, and we end up with an impromptu discussion about wave dynamics:

Kahuna (K): I will now take a bath.
Gordon (G): Approved.
K: You don't have approval rights for this activity X-(
G: Oh?
K: You've not been inducted into the Order of the Bath.
G: And you have?
K: You're trying to make waves again X-(
G: Would you prefer a ripple?
K: It's high time I squashed your amplitude X-(
G: To what gain?
K: I'm more interested in your loss.
G: You're trying to create total harmonic distortion?
K: Modulation will get you nowhere X-(
G: You're out of phase X-(
K: Better to be out of phase than to be high-frequency noise.
G: You're crackling now.
K: Nonsense, you're clearly out of tune.

The bickering was adjourned at that point and Kahuna finally absconded for His bath. Incidentally, Gordon is once thought to have discovered a thermocline in his bathtub. Details remain murky and it is not known if his rubber ducky was party to the proceedings. On that colorful note, we close for tonight.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 37

Those who can, blog; those who can't blog, comment; and those who can't comment, bellyache.

— Kahuna's First Law of Blogging.

Well I wouldn't complain if we could teleport say, Beyonce, in that mode.

— Gordon to Kahuna, supporting teleportation of the form illustrated in the Dilbert strip of April 22, 2008.

I am now in possession of the Subtle Knife and the Amber Spy Glass.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, admitting to surreptitiously amassing more dark materials.

This is in addition to your anaconda, no doubt?

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, trying to establish an accurate inventory.

You're messaging while waltzing?

— Gordon, on receiving a short message from Kahuna while at a party.

I am now in motion as prescribed by Newton after the unfortunate incident with the apple.

— Kahuna, informing Darth Teddy of His impending arrival.

At the rate you're falling ill, I suggest you join GlaxoSmithKline as a guinea pig.

— Kahuna, writing a prescription for Fluke.

Then again, you'll probably succumb to the next virus, or possibly a light crosswind.

— Kahuna, issuing quite a shaky prognosis for Fluke.

Will that be hand-luggage as well?

— Kahuna, on Darth Teddy's travel plans for his anaconda.

Hopefully someone else's, yes.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, proposing to stow his anaconda away in other people's luggage.

Your snake's tendency to poke around in other people's nooks and crannies is noted.

— Kahuna to Darth Teddy, taking a dim view of the situation.

Indeed, it is friendly.

— Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

I believe one George Armstrong Custer made a silly statement like that at his last stand and Sitting Bull made him sit.

— Kahuna, drawing parallels between Fluke's folly and that of Lt Col Custer at the infamous Battle of the Little Bighorn.

Uuru meeya is a bandicoot, you fool.

— Gordon, objecting strongly to Kahuna translating uuru meeya as a tree-dwelling rat^[1].

Your employment as a translator at the UN would ensure the outbreak of World War III.

— Gordon, casting serious doubt about Kahuna's language skills.

Nurse, get an IV, 13% ethanol by volume, stat!

— Dr Kahuna, finding Darth Teddy's blood alcohol content to be dangerously low in the ER.

I propose to line up both factions and have an elephant lob durians at them. You will check if Naalaagiri is available.

— Kahuna to Gordon, outlining a rather noxious proposal to deal with a split in the commies.

I would have imagined that a spider of the sort that accosted one L M Muffet would have made you run a mile.

— Kahuna, proposing to place Fluke on a tuffet.

At those prices they probably installed a force field.

— Kahuna to Gordon, on how the exclusive Taprobane Island might have escaped the tsunami.

What is that dildo on the right?

— Kahuna to Gordon, unmoved by the Logitech Driving Force™ GT.

That's the shift lever.

— Gordon to Kahuna, setting the record straight about his proposed acquisition.

You're back in Las Kahunas damn it; change your status.

— Fluke, pointing out an inconsistent status on Facebook after Kahuna's return from the subcontinent.

You would sell your soul to the devil if it allowed you to harass me.

— Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I already have an MOU with him.

— Kahuna's Infernal Cahoots Confession to Gordon's Diabolical Nuisance Conjecture.

I am willing my credit card to stay in my wallet.

— Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

This is like willing your anaconda to stay in your pants.

— Kahuna's Roaming Anaconda Retort to Darth Teddy's Solvent Teddy Proposition.

You should be watching consenting adults release their inhibitions at this hour.

— Gordon, objecting to Kahuna watching a surgical Carpal Tunnel Release procedure in the dead of the night.

I could improve the ambiance with an M1A1 Abrams if you like.

— Gordon, offering to enhance the experience of Kahuna's proposed visit to Ambiente along with Darth Teddy.

Do you think I could plug the Ella Gap with your posterior?

— Kahuna, attempting to make Gordon the butt of his latest plans.

Can I invite that dolphin here to lead all politicians out to sea?

— Kahuna to Gordon, upon learning of the dolphin who led stranded whales back to sea in New Zealand.

Haputale Kanda á la Brokeback Mountain?

— Gordon, drawing highly unnecessary parallels regarding Kahuna's proposed visit to the hills with Darth Teddy.

I will tie you to the bara baage and detach it from the propulsion system while on the incline.

— Kahuna, threatening drastic measures on the Haputale climb to silence Gordon.

By the Willies of Kahuna and Teddy?

— Fluke to Kahuna, hazarding a guess at the meaning of BTWOKT.

You're of course free to swear by our willies; however, the more conventional meaning is By the Whiskers of Kurvi-Tasch.

— Kahuna, enlightening Fluke on the correct meaning of BTWOKT as intended by Hergé in the fictional regime of Taschist Borduria.

Well it's not new; my willy has been the hot topic around the globe for a few years now.

— Darth Teddy to Kahuna, learning of Fluke's cocksure faith.

This is like blatantly stacking crates of uranium in the same room.

— Kahuna, learning of the Monster converging on Alpharetta to complete a gathering of Clan Gordon.

^[1] Literally, uuru meeya means pig rat. However, this refers to the Lesser Bandicoot Rat (Bandicota bengalensis) distinct from the Bandicoot proper (order Peramelemorphia).

Son et Lumière at High Noon

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Hot on the heels of their pottery exhibition in early April and the bullock cart protest just last week, United Pachyderms have announced an unconventional sound and light show at high noon on Tuesday, the 3^rd of June.

At the appointed hour, motorists across the island are expected to bring their vehicles to a complete stop in the middle of the road and protest against the rising cost of fuel by tooting their horns and flashing their lights for five minutes. At first glance this might seem, for lack of a better word, unsound. Had the aforementioned horns not been tooted and lights not been flashed, the net energy consumption around noon on Tuesday might in fact be less. Thus, one is compelled to conclude that this elephantine protest would not be very green.

However, closer scrutiny suggests a far more fiendish design behind this madness. Let us digress momentarily to the Big Apple. The shortest unit of time know to the human race^[1] is understood to be the New York second, sometimes called the taxi second. This is defined as the period of time between the light turning green on a Manhattan street and the cabbie behind you hitting his horn. Over time this has become a Pavlovian response, so much so that taxi drivers in New York honk their horns when the light turns green even in the absence of vehicles in front of them.

Back in tropical Colombo, all motorists are New York taxi driver equivalent and will honk their horns and flash their lights should a gnat fart two blocks away. In this context, the sheer deviousness of this latest pachydermal production becomes obvious. Motorists stopping their vehicles for no good reason will cause a massive chain reaction of irritated honking and flashing punctuated by appropriate vocalizations, hand gestures and even fisticuffs. Those who do not wish to protest would be forced to seethe and fume in silence as even the slightest toot would add to the chaos. The amount of time required to clear the resultant gridlock is left as an exercise to the reader.

Have the pachyderms got something right for once? Will their protest fall on deaf ears? Will it cause profound deafness? Will the price of fuel plummet like a budget airline on a wet lease? Will it create a persistent traffic jam of the sort encountered in Lutetia in Asterix and the Banquet^[2]? Your guess is as good as ours.

Stay tuned as we bring you the latest in this developing story.

^[1] The shortest unit of time known is actually the Planck time, defined as the time taken in seconds for a photon traveling at the speed of light to cross a distance of one Planck length. This works out to 5.39121 x 10^-44 seconds, but is believed to be considerably less interesting than the New York second.
^[2] Rene Goscinny and Albert Uderzo, Asterix and the Banquet, Revised (Orion, 2004).