Kahuna Demands Probe into Battle of Trafalgar

LAS BOGAS, Nevada -- Kahuna held a press conference a short while ago and demanded that the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navanethem Pillay, institute a war crimes probe against British Vice-Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson. Kahuna said that Nelson, since deceased, should be investigated for his involvement in the so-called "Battle" of Trafalgar in 1805, where he brutally attacked Napoleon's fleet which was on its way to a picnic off Cape Trafalgar in Spain.

Kahuna charged that Nelson was responsible for the loss of thousands of lives and went on to note that the combined Spanish and French fleet lost 22 of their 33 vessels while Nelson did not loose a single ship. This He said, "is by far the clearest indication that Nelson executed a cunning and well-planned ambush against a fleet of unarmed vessels." Arguing that Napoleon's was fleet retrofitted to carry a cargo of wine and cheese, Kahuna remarked that, "they could only defend themselves with small arms fire and were hopelessly out-gunned." Kahuna also questioned whether Nelson had used illegal weapons to decimate the picnickers.

"People like Nelson have taken away the right of the people to peaceably picnic," Kahuna thundered, conceding nonetheless that wine in question, so soon after the French Revolution, would have been of rather dubious quality.

Kahuna urged Pillay to call a special session of the UN Human Rights Council to look into the war crimes committed by Nelson during the incident at Trafalgar in particular and throughout his career in the Royal Navy. "Nelson had a history of sailing all over the place and arbitrarily thumping people. Were it the West Indies, Corsica, Cape St Vincent or Alexandria, it was the same story; destruction lay in his wake," Kahuna said.

When questioned about plans to unseat Nelson's statue from atop its perch at Trafalgar Square in London, Kahuna said He fully supported the move and proposed that it be replaced with a statue of the Indian film actor, Rajnikanth.

Pillay was understood to be huffing and puffing elsewhere and was not available for comment.

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