COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- After a long and bogus day wrought with idiots, Professor Gordon and Kahuna decided to dine out and catch up on old times. In keeping with tradition, the collapse of the quantum wave function of the venue took place only a few minutes prior to actually having dinner. After discounting the Continental by scrutinizing the edifice from its entrance, the Galadari opposite the road was selected as the venue of choice. Access was accordingly gained through the side entrance. Contrary to the norms of the industry, the doors of this establishment are self-service, despite being staffed at the ratio of one doorman per set of doors. Navigating the obstructions placed in the corridors challenged even the most robust
OSPF routing algorithms.
Having arrived at the Coffee Shop and ascertaining that the buffet was indeed open at 10:30pm, Kahuna and Gordon wished to be seated in the non-smoking section of the restaurant. It was reassuring to note that industry norms were being observed here with the seating being neither functional nor comfortable. Kahuna made a note to self that restaurant furniture designers would be first against the wall when the revolution came.
Without further ado, the salad was duly consumed. It was declared to be non-bogus, apart from the sushi and sashimi. The former was devoid of taste and the consistency of the latter suggested that it was imported from Japan via the scenic route which happened to be the
Northwest Passage during an unexpectedly harsh winter. OSPF aficionados beware, for this is the perilous ground of the unbelievers.
Upon examining the main buffet closely, it became quickly evident that it consisted entirely of fish. Not simply seafood, but fish: grilled fish, baked fish, fish tikka and even vol-au-vents deviously concealing fish. While cuttlefish and crab were also among those present, they were sidelined by the fish contingent. After eliminating the impossible, not even Sherlock Holmes would have denied that some form of highly improbable, but true Fish Surprise had been stumbled upon.
While consuming the meal, what sounded like a crate of cutlery being dropped from the direction of the kitchen only enhanced the ambiance created by the band blaring bad music at an estimated 80 dB and the air-conditioning appropriately set to slowly bake the patrons in their jackets. The meal was quite tasteless other than for the cuttlefish and Gordon was seen resorting to the salt-shaker on more than one occasion. The question as to whether it contained salt-free salt was raised, but no answers were found. The attendant chef wiping his hands on his rear also added a distinct flavor to the proceedings.
After the meal, the dessert buffet was set upon. Coffee cake, watalappan and some species of cheesecake were present inter alia, flanked by the bread pudding. While serving, a cluster of bananas mounted within an aperture of a melting ice sculpture decided to plummet to a lower energy state, narrowly missing the watalappan. Fortunately, Kahuna and Gordon were sufficiently distanced from the debacle to elude the finger of suspicion. The incident nevertheless evoked fond memories of the hilarious
Rube Goldberg contraptions employed by that master of bungling,
Wile E Coyote of
Loony Tunes fame. It also prompted Gordon to quip that the buffet would self-destruct in ten seconds, à la
Mission Impossible, and a hasty retreat was made back to the table.
The service layer failed to clear the table until the pair was seated and attempting to reorganize the crockery to obtain sufficient contiguous free space for the dessert plates. Kahuna unilaterally declared the coffee cake to be bogus. While partaking of the dessert, the service layer approached with the bill and demanded payment. This unprovoked act of billing clearly demonstrated the proactive nature of the staff. The overall experience at this establishment was justifiably rated B-complete.
On the way out and back to the premises of the nearby Bogusan Empire, Kahuna was intrigued by some flagstones of the sidewalk that boldly carried the word ALCATEL. Alcatel was not known to be in this line of business and a closer examination was warranted. This revealed that the flagstones were also stamped with the words SEA-ME-WE-II. Thus was discovered the Path to the Light. And on that illuminating note, this story ends.
Disclaimer: This post was written while sipping green tea from a Loony Tunes mug defaced by Wile E Coyote, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian Devil (hence the term mug shot). The state of mind of the author is left as an exercise to the reader.
