Unquotable Quotes - Part 23

I am currently de-toxing.

- Darth Teddy, declaring a state of intense liver function following a night of debauchery.

I have been abducted. I shall return as soon as possible.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, issuing an optimistic outlook.

The aliens have done well.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s abduction.

Bah! It was disturbing and the sibling is yum.

- Darth Teddy, making alarming references to Brokeback Mountain and HRH’s edible sibling in the same statement.

You're the one stockpiling whips and gags and I'm the pervert?

- Gordon to Kahuna, taking umbrage at being accused of depravity.

I'm finding it hard to swallow.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, declaring a state of tonsillitis.

And don't make any wisecracks.

- Kahuna to Darth Teddy, realizing too late the high potential for misuse in His previous statement.

He must have stepped behind some general and gone “buwahahah.”

- Gordon, learning of George W’s surprise visit to Iraq and proposing his modus operandi.

Nonsense, he couldn't handle the responsibilities that come with mine.

- Darth Teddy, on the heavy responsibilities of managing his assets.

However, your current responsibilities are limited to walking the dog.

- Kahuna, dismissing Darth Teddy’s purported responsibilities.

He knew some bogus sports stuff and helped us to become one before the last.

- Vandoofus, summing up Darth Teddy’s contribution at a quiz.

But my left paw is still functional.

- Vandoofus, issuing a statement on his shoulder injury before realizing he was not ambidextrous.

The source of this bogosity is 45 minutes from here. Perhaps I should drive up with a few rotten eggs.

- Gordon, proposing to visit Atlanta and lob a personal objection to a news headline by CNN.

I was merely giving him displacement from NJ to NY.

- The Monster, pleading guilty to providing displacement measurements to Gordon.

I will submerge you in the Black Sea and measure the displacement if you're not careful.

- Kahuna to the Monster, proposing an alternative means of measuring displacement.

You were misbehaving on a grand scale tonight.

- Kahuna taking Darth Teddy to task for operating in promiscuous mode during a Japanese meal.

Sequel Pasha is absconding. He may have executed an incorrect DDL statement and made himself vanish.

- Kahuna to the Monster, on the extended disappearance of Gordon.

We had a chat and decided that we would both get drunk and nuke you.

- Darth Teddy, informing Kahuna of his strategic alliance with Ching the Merciless.

Hang on; we are discussing your demise.

- Darth Teddy, putting Kahuna on hold to discuss strategy with Ching the Merciless.

You don’t even have that much sex.

- Kahuna, commenting on Darth Teddy’s numerous daily conference calls.

The State of Georgia issues only one plate, for the rear. You can take this up with Sonny Perdue if you have issues.

- Gordon to Kahuna, defending the lack of a front registration plate on GITT Mk III.

How can you release 22 billion gallons by mistake?

- Kahuna to Gordon, questioning the release of water from Lake Lanier in Georgia as reported by CNN.

Your mere presence is causing a drought.

- Kahuna, holding Gordon accountable for the impending drought in Georgia.

I have great respect for one S Hussein who had the guts to shoot most members of parliament.

- Kahuna, expressing extreme annoyance about goings on in the Temple of the Monkey.

I'm sure the price of buffaloes must be on the increase.

- Gordon, speculating on the effect of rising oil prices.

This can be rectified. All I need are a few diodes.

- Kahuna, seizing an opportunity to dabble in semiconductors.

I will feed you to the crocodiles if you don’t watch it.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that the new Picasa Web Albums offer an RSS feed.

With your dietary advice, these crocodiles will end up diabetic.

- Kahuna, taking a dubious view of Gordon’s crocodile feed.

At least you can't get driving directions yet.

- Gordon, on Google Mars.

A couple of F-16s flew over the supermarket today.

- Gordon, reporting a secure shopping experience.

I used Navtech devices on Mk III earlier today to locate a fish n chips joint.

- Gordon, reporting the use of satellite navigation for nefarious purposes.

It's even voice activated. You say "I'm hungry" and it shows you all the restaurants in the vicinity. Say "go home" and it points you back to base.

- Gordon, explaining the operation of his satellite navigation system.

Good grief! Those are B-52's alright.

- Gordon, confirming Kahuna’s identification of a parked fleet of bombers on Diego Garcia.

Probably? I just counted 8 B-52s.

- Gordon to Kahuna, on being told that Diego Garcia was probably well protected.

Panic() panic() panic().

- Gordon, discovering Sony’s foray into digital SLR cameras with the highly disturbing Alpha DSLR-A100.

Nonsense, you were counting B-52s parked in Diego Garcia.

- Kahuna, refuting Gordon’s claims he was too busy to blog.

You provided coordinates.

- Gordon, in his own defense.

Welcome to Google Mars

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California Republic -- A careless remark by Kahuna about the inevitability of Google Mars as reported in UQ21 has come back to haunt Him. It seems that massive clowns at Google have been up to no good.

A visit to Google Labs this morning revealed the sordid existence of Google Mars in collaboration with NASA and the University of Arizona. The capability to view this in the Google Earth viewer is also in the pipeline ("Not yet, but we're working on it.")

While on the subject of Google Earth, the new Release 4 Beta has disturbing integration with the new Picasa Beta (not publicly available) that unleashes much anticipated web album support. It is now possible to geotag Picasa images using Google Earth. Double-clicking the longitude or latitude in Picasa then fires up Google Maps to provide information on how to get there. Of course, the geoencoding process also generates the necessary KML to update My Places in Goole Earth, along with a copy of the Picasa image.

Commercial air traffic can also be tracked in realtime on Google Earth in collaboration with fboweb.com. Click here to track inbound and outbound flights at major US airports. The altitude and airspeed of each aircraft is displayed in Google Earth. This is highly disturbing functionality. Proceed with caution.

Microsoft evangelist Professor Gordon was not available for comment.

Untimely Accusations Mar Unveiling of GITT Mk III

The Controversial GITT Mk III (Copyright © 2006 E Gordon)

ALPHARETTA, Georgia -- In news breaking from Georgia, crackpot inventor Professor Gordon has unveiled his new flagship automobile, predictably named the Gordon Industries Thirty Thousand (GITT Mk III).

The new vehicle will be replacing the Mk II, left behind in Asia during Gordon’s transit to the contiguous United States. At first glance, GITT Mk III resembles a run-of-the-mill Mazda6, replete with alloy wheels, Bose speakers and satellite navigation gear. This seemingly innocuous appearance, nonetheless, is rumored to be a sophisticated illusion created using a chameleon circuit acquired through dubious channels.

The true form of Gordon’s vehicle remains unknown, with some experts suspecting that it is indeed a disguised Caterpillar backhoe. While no definitive evidence has been established, GITT Mk III has on occasion been heard to make backhoe-like noises leading to speculation that its chameleon circuit may not be entirely stable. Gordon sought to play down these accusations saying that his muffler had merely sprung a leak.

Speaking to the media later today, Kahuna fueled further controversy by agreeing that GITT Mk III was clearly not what it seemed to be. However, He disagreed that the vehicle was a backhoe fitted with a chameleon circuit, suggesting instead that Gordon had stolen an entire TARDIS and not merely a chameleon circuit. The backhoe-like wheezing and groaning noises, He said was entirely consistent with a defective time-travel mechanism and could be temporarily corrected by percussive maintenance—a carefully calibrated thump to the main console.

Kahuna proceeded to accuse Gordon of unauthorized time-travel with the sole purpose of subverting the course of history adding that archeological evidence recently unearthed in Egypt show a remarkable resemblance between Gordon and the heretic pharaoh Amenhotep IV, later known as Akhenaten.

A livid Gordon shot back, denying accusations of heresy and pointing out that Kahuna’s recent visit to Egypt for the declared purpose of installing a known elephant in Cairo now had sinister connotations including, but not limited to falsifying the archeological record.

KNN will continue to provide fabrications of this developing story. 

Embrace of the Doofus – The Shocking Inside Story

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Local CF has taken a turn for the worse with the American having installed himself in this time zone. However, in response to recent slanderous blogging by Darth Teddy, it has become necessary to put the record um... straight.

St Vandoofus was indeed pursued and hugged^[1] by Darth Teddy at the Coffee Stop, much to the astonishment of non-clowns present at the time. While it was clearly a case of hug at first sight on the part of Darth Teddy, it was not immediately apparent if the American was a willing participant in the proceedings. However, he did seem less inclined to bolt as the evening progressed with intermittent hugs initiated by the allegedly cuddly one.

It is pertinent to note that Vandoofus was similarly hugged without provocation by a number of clowns including, but not limited to Huggles, Kahuna and the Monster during a rendezvous at the Coffee Stop last year. The holy one evidently did not escape that tryst unscarred, although he did express a wish to be hugged more frequently by Her Royal Highness.

For the meantime, damning developments have been uncovered by KNN. It has transpired that Darth Teddy was in a highly disturbed state at the time of accosting Vandoofus. Sources close to the situation divulged that Darth Teddy had watched Lasse Hallström’s Casanova and Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain (in that order) a few days prior to the incident. It is understood that the Bear was greatly taken up with the antics of Giacomo Casanova before being brought down firmly to earth by those of Ennis Del Mar. The cuddly one was heard making “highly disturbing” and “I’m officially disturbed” comments with reference to the cowboy flick, while also throwing in “shocking” for good measure. Heath Ledger playing the part of both protagonists has apparently done little to help matters as have the seven Oscar nominations. The award by MTV for the best on-screen smooch appears to have been the last straw.

Her Royal Highness would indeed be distressed to note that Darth Teddy has declared her sibling (yum) the Reference Edividual against this sordid backdrop. Nevertheless, it remains to be seen if Professor Gordon—the founder and proponent of the edividual calculus—would veto this choice. Experts were of the view that Gordon would weigh matters carefully before announcing his decision.

In light of recent developments, Darth Teddy’s fascination with multiple male orgasms is also most fascinating. Kahuna declined to elaborate on the topic adding that the Bear should be cautioned in the words of Casanova's Bishop Pucci that, “fornication on a massive scale leads to confusion.”

And on that illuminating note, we conclude this intentionally defamatory posting.

^[1] Zeno's Paradox of Motion (the one implicating Achilles and the tortoise) appears to have been put to the test here. The observations will be tabled at the next meeting of the Board of Buffoons.

The Full Moon

The Full Moon (Copyright © 2006 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Earth's solitary moon seen through the Eyes of EOS on Poson Poya Day.

Captured on 11^th June 2006 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 75-300mm 1:4-5.6 III) on ISO 400 at shutter priority (1/1000^th of a second) and a resulting aperture of f/5.6. Image cropped to about 80% of full size and sharpened in Picasa. 

Unquotable Quotes - Part 22

Unfortunately, I have to leave you gentlemen and go fine our newest operator.

- The Regulator, taking a short interlude to attend to business.

You won’t believe how difficult it is to set something on fire in this country.

- Vandoofus, announcing difficulty in destroying the damning Vandoofus Tapes.

I can't even practice my culinary skills without setting the darn thing off.

- Vandoofus, on the relationship with his fire alarm, particularly when preparing the Fillet of Salmon à la Carbon.

Or congress farting.

- Kahuna, offering an alternative explanation to gunfire heard at the Capitol.

GITT Mk III in da house.

- Gordon, announcing his new flagship automobile, the Gordon Industries Thirty Thousand.

The lack of registration plates on this car is noted.

- Kahuna, raising a point of interest for the FBI regarding GITT Mk III.

I have declared satellite navigation to be disturbing.

- Gordon, having outfitted his flagship automobile with GPS capability.

I will drop a NAVSTAR on GITT Mk III just to make a point.

- Kahuna to Gordon, threatening a more personalized satellite navigation experience.

The whole purpose of life without Danish is questionable.

- Gordon, ruminating on the unfairness of it all after being restrained from his daily chocolate Danish.

You're questioning the very essence of life itself. Scratch that, in your case it’s the flavor.

- Kahuna, making distasteful comment on Gordon’s rumination.

He thinks he had a choice. In reality, she makes all the decisions.

- Kahuna, on Gordon and his Autonomous Wife.

Try, and the Danish papers will be delivered to your wife.

- Kahuna, threatening to expose Gordon’s clandestine pastry consumption to his Autonomous Wife.

Tell him to get an appointment.

- Vandoofus, on being told Darth Teddy was anxious to meet him.

I can make you vanish by a single SQL query.

- Gordon to Darth Teddy, vying to become Sequel Pasha, the Gogia Pasha of the 21^st Century.

You will note one Mu'ammar was implicated in said series.

- Kahuna to Gordon, recollecting Libyan involvement in the plot of the CBS TV Series, Airwolf.

Are you doing a crosscheck on *f*?

- Gordon, questioning Kahuna’s motive for introducing Airwolf into the proceedings.

Were you involved in the original theft? Come to think of it you look like one C H Moffett.

- Kahuna, trying to implicate Gordon in the theft of Airwolf.

And you, like L M Muffet.

- Gordon, mounting a spirited defense by introduction of unrelated rhymes.

You've got your tuffet in a twist now. A large spider will sort you out according to tradition.

- Kahuna, proposing to unseat Gordon using unconventional methods.

Good grief! Five inches?

- Gordon, learning that the Presidential Limousine, Cadillac One is equipped with five inch thick ballistic armor.

Your availability has dropped many rating points this past week.

- Darth Teddy, keeping tabs on Kahuna.

May the bed bugs infest you.

- The Monster, itching to deal with Kahuna.

Nonsense, I have no reputation to protect.

- Darth Teddy, refusing to be blackmailed by Kahuna.

You just walk into office and thump me?

- Gordon, objecting to receiving a thump from Kahuna in the early hours of GMT+5.30.

Yes, it’s in my daily checklist.

- Kahuna to Gordon, defending his actions.

You will standby while the global bookmark service is accessed.

- Kahuna, putting Gordon on hold for del.icio.us purposes.

You could send your income to my bank account. I will credit the global merit pool on your behalf.

- Kahuna, offering Gordon a faith-based investment initiative.

You are trying to circumvent exchange regulations in the name of god.

- Gordon, taking an unholy view of Kahuna’s proposition.

Usually, this involves a transformer and two wires.

- Kahuna, taking a textbook view of Darth Teddy’s induction program.

Since I am big, I need broadband to transmit the pictures.

- Vandoofus, on the consequences of his allegedly large endowment.

I have years of experience that spans continents.

- Darth Teddy to Kahuna, establishing his credentials.

You also have high wear and tear on your mount point.

- Kahuna, challenging Darth Teddy’s credentials on grounds of erosion.

Of course not, it’s made with the latest hardware. Very durable.

- Darth Teddy, in his own defense.

Embrace of the Doofus – Part III

COFFEE STOP, Colombo -- The third release of a multi-part season occured earlier this week as the American at large, St. Vandoofus graced the shores of this fair region of the world. Shortly after landing he experienced the scintillating effect of being hugged in motion. To elaborate to those of you that are not familiar with the term "Hugged in motion" it means being hugged profusely while running around the coffee stop at one C. Grand. This motion hugging was carried out by one Darth Teddy who had been instructed by many to hug on sight, a request to which he duly responded at first opportunity. The hugging continued at regular intervals through the rest of the evening and at certain points the next evening during which Kahuna(Big) experienced the very first instance of MMO (See Below) ever recorded in the history of mankind. This was truly a unique experience (especially for Kahuna) and it be etched in the mind of those present for years to come. And also for those of you that have not had the pleasure of being enlightned of the first and the second releases of Embrace of the Doofus should directly contact Huggles (Release 1) and Aviation-man (Release 2) for graphic details. However we must warn you that Aviation-man seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth or so he has projected himself to be otherwise engaged so to speak.

In other news the inaugural webcam circus was held last night at the former residence of Her Royal Highness. This circus was conducted over webcam across continents and was brought to you by MSN Messenger. This event satisfied the condition of a minimum of three clowns ... infact very large ones ... namely Huggles, Her Royal Highness and Darth Teddy. Topics discussed included Aviation-man, Kahuna culinary skills, thieving wives, Poland, Return-dates, pregnancy and childbirth and of course the sibling now considered the reference edividual.

This has been a broadcast of BNN. We will bring you more entertainment news as it unfolds which is on a very regular basis.

*MMO - Male Multiple Orgasms