REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- In a press release issued a short while ago, Kahuna revealed that parties acting in concert were attempting to tarnish His spotless reputation.
Categorically denying the sordid allegations made by both Vandoofus and the Teddybear, Kahuna reminded both parties that He knew where they lived. Industry analysts viewed this as a serious threat, given the limitless reach of Kahuna's global logistics empire and His proven track record in practical buffoonery.
In a related strategic move, Kahuna revealed that He is considering the publication of His extensive memoirs, with more than several chapters devoted to the events at the Bogopolis by the Sea during the late 20th century. It is believed that these will feature the colorful escapades of Vandoofus in graphic detail. Experts familiar with the subject warned that Vandoofus would need a team of archeologists to dig out of this one.
When asked about the Teddybear, Kahuna said the rascal was not forgotten. The Teddybear would shortly be the proud recipient of a shipment of Energizer batteries to remedy the one that was not included in the last round of buffoonery. Industry insiders suspected this would give the Teddybear a buzz that would simply keep going and going.
Responding to reports that Vandoofus may be seeking to invade Boston, Kahuna scoffed at the idea saying that Vandoofus is attempting to gain political mileage from the first Red Sox win of the so-called World Series after 86 years. He further stated that any attempts to invade Boston would be met with stiff resistance including but not necessarily limited to armed bears, flying attack porcupines and squirrels bearing large nuts.
Vandoofus and the Teddybear were asleep (in separate locations) and not available for comment.
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